I was walking out of the servo this afternoon when I bumped into a person I knew many, many years ago through school.
Back then he was a labourer with no plans for the future. Well, apart from surfing. And drugs.
As happens in life, we lost contact. And when we bumped into each other today, we exchanged cordial greetings. He was in a suit...and he drove an Audi...so I'm thinking (why, I don't know) that he must've won a surfing competition...
But no, he's a hot shot academic now. And I nearly died. I was truly shocked. He then went onto mention another person that we mutually knew who is now a property tycoon and I was speechless.
Then, for some inexplicable reason, I felt deflated and then deeply ashamed. As I got into the car, I carried the shame home and sat with it for a while, trying to work out why I was feeling this way.
And what I eventually worked out was this:
I shortchanged myself. And I am embarrassed that I have made nothing of my life. (This has nothing to do with DH and kids...that's separate...)
This "loser" had really made something of himself and here am I, surviving on the poverty line in a new town and no prospects. I had opportunities in the past and squandered them. And all I have to offer my family is a fortnightly welfare payment. This isn't self pity. It's like a hollowed out feeling. Like finding out there's a huge party on and you haven't been invited but everyone else has. Like I've been betrayed. Which I guess I have. I've betrayed myself.
Has anyone ever felt like this?
It's why I'm up so late. This incident today has really blindsided me.