+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 12
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Posts
    3
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked
    0
    Reviews
    0

    Default Just got a big kick to the groin!

    So, I just had the news broken to me by my wife and mine's CGH (IVF) doctor that I am unable to be a biological father due to me having balanced translocation.

    We as a couple (I am 35, she is 29) now have the difficult decision to make with regards to looking at other options which are:

    *donor sperm
    *adoption
    *be a childless couple

    As a man to be told you will never be a biological father has completely knocked me for 6 and although I would love a child, feel that I would struggle emotionally knowing that the baby is not physically mine. I would love and care for any baby that we may have as a couple from the other options available but there is a piece of me that is struggling to accept the news I have been given.

    I am a bit of a cautious person by nature and think about so many things that may or may not happen in the future.

    I would love to know if there are any Dad's out there that have adopted or had their missus use donor sperm and to share their thoughts regarding this subject.

    As of right now, I am leaning towards going childless and my frame of mind is "if it's not meant to happen it's not meant to be", the fact that we can't conceive naturally or through IVF given our rare situation with the genetic issues makes it hard to swallow.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Posts
    476
    Thanks
    146
    Thanked
    221
    Reviews
    0

    Default Re: Just got a big kick to the groin!

    Hey I know you asked for replies from guys but I'm in a situation where I have a child who is not biologically related to me and for me its completely not an issue.

    Your kid will still love you as much as any kid loves their dad and they pick up things like your mannerisms, sense of humour, interests and hobbies etc which will make you part of them and vice versa.

  3. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Candiceo For This Useful Post:

    Benham  (31-01-2013),Hokey Pokey  (31-01-2013)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Posts
    3
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked
    0
    Reviews
    0
    Hi April,

    Thanks for your reply.

    I should elaborate on my balanced translocation.

    I have chromozones 2 & 3 affected and we have done 3 rounds of CGH IVF and all embryos (14 in total) that made it to cell stage 5 that were tested were all affected, leaving us with nothing suitable to transfer. I got confirmation from specialist today that 100% of my sperm are affected which leaves us with no other options but for the above.

  5. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Posts
    28,229
    Thanks
    1,515
    Thanked
    992
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 postsDiamond Star - 20,000 posts
    Sorry to hear that, must be very hard news to get your head around

  6. #5
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Posts
    1,206
    Thanks
    406
    Thanked
    323
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default Just got a big kick to the groin!

    Bumping this post for the night crowd... Anyone's hubby able to help/connect with OP?

  7. #6
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked
    6
    Reviews
    0
    Hi Benham.

    I have Sertoli cell only syndrome, so we (eventually) conceived with donor sperm. We first tried my Dad's sperm so I'd be related, but that failed so we moved to anonymous donor sperm.
    Luckily for me the kicks in the groin were gradual. First "you're going to have trouble having kids" (I'm quadriplegic). Then "well at least it'll be related somehow". Then "at least I picked a donor that looks like me".

    I'm now the Dad to 2 gorgeous 4 month old twins conceived with donor sperm, but for a long time I really didn't think I could handle the not-being-related thing.

    Eventually what changed my mind was realising that all the good things I got from my Dad were learned, not genetic.
    His jokes, his enjoyment of history, his love of the ocean. All those came from spending time with him.
    The genetic things I got aren't important to me at all. His asthma, his heart attack risk and his atrocious cricket abilities.

    But now, looking at my kids, I wouldn't give it up for anything.

    My advice would be this:
    • Counselling. You've just suffered a trauma and you need to sort through it.
    • Get on the anonymous donor waiting list now. It's 3 years long and you may have changed your mind by then. If you haven't, you can always say no later.
    • Talk to your partner. The worst thing you can do is clam up. That's the sort of thing that ruins relationships.


    Edit: My wife informs me the waiting list is shorter now, but it's still good to get on it because you can wait at the top of the list until you're ready to proceed.
    Last edited by MrFelicita; 31-01-2013 at 18:45.

  8. The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to MrFelicita For This Useful Post:

    Addison  (30-03-2013),AppleIsleSMum  (31-01-2013),bokkie_wotwot  (12-03-2013),Candiceo  (31-01-2013),mrsjones  (31-01-2013),SpecialPatrolGroup  (31-01-2013)

  9. #7
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Posts
    3,521
    Thanks
    1,318
    Thanked
    1,574
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts

    Default Re: Just got a big kick to the groin!

    Hi Benham, if you don't mind I will answer on behalf of my husband. I am not familiar with your condition but my hubby has severe MFI which is deteriorating rapidly. We have decided we will do ivf until it's gone. He does not want a child that is not biologically his so donor or adoption are not an option in his mind. He has been adamant it's what he wants since day one.

  10. #8
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Posts
    3,666
    Thanks
    1,426
    Thanked
    1,431
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts

    Default Just got a big kick to the groin!

    Benham, I'm really sorry to hear of your news. Whilst I'm not male, I do have a DH with similar issues.

    I highly recommend you seek counseling - as PP said, this is most definitely a trauma and you may need help processing it.

    Please don't make any rash decisions while feeling highly emotional. You may be pleasantly surprised how you will feel in a few weeks/months time about your other options.

    Lastly, please always remember that DNA isn't the be all and end all. You only need to read through the Single Parents posts in this forum to see that being a bio Dad doesn't automatically make you a great one! Children learn from watching/interacting/feeling from their parents, the way you love your child is the most important aspect - not where the DNA comes from.

    Good luck X

  11. The Following User Says Thank You to Pesca77 For This Useful Post:

    mrsjones  (31-01-2013)

  12. #9
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Posts
    973
    Thanks
    70
    Thanked
    301
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    I think DH's lack of cricketing abilities are environmental not genetic, since his dad tried to teach him but was apparently worse than John Howard himself.

    A couple of things from my family helped us realise anonymous donor was the way for us and that bonding would not be an issue.
    1. My third grandfather. He was not related to me by birth or marriage - but he was the one that did the job. We chose to use his surname as our son's middle name.
    2. My dead dad. Growing up I would say that I didn't have a dad because he died when I was 3 years old. It's not genetics that makes the family, it's the function of the members.
    3. (Already applies to many people ...) We bonded with our pets as part of the family - and they're a completely different species.

    I also felt the need to grieve the loss of genetic relatedness to DH as we received each of our gradual kicks in the groin.

    We went through IVFA. In 2009 we were told to expect a wait of 1 year for donor sperm - but perhaps it felt like 3 years to DH. We got to the top after 9 months and just quietly sat there without choosing a donor while we tried a few more cycles with FIL's samples. Their wait time is now shorter than that. Some other clinics don't have any waiting list at all.

    I think you need 10 posts to be able to send or receive PMs. If that's true and you want to PM MrFelicita you can send it my way (he has only made 2 posts).

    Take the time to make the decision that's right for you and your partner, and good luck with whatever you decide.

  13. #10
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Posts
    299
    Thanks
    14
    Thanked
    43
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by Benham View Post
    I would love to know if there are any Dad's out there that have adopted or had their missus use donor sperm .
    You are narrowing the field there! Few enough Dads here at all.
    I'd be telling myself that its much better me being infertile than the Mrs.
    Donor eggs are so hard to get. Adoptable babies are hens teeth.

    First choice would be a family sperm donor, ideally a brother who already has kids of his own.


 

Similar Threads

  1. Groin pain
    By Bulbasaur in forum Second Trimester Chat
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 02-11-2012, 08:32
  2. Groin rubbing...
    By sandrew in forum Discipline & behaviour
    Replies: 12
    Last Post: 16-07-2012, 10:05

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Softmats
With so many amazing reversible designs, the soft and cushioned Premium Bubba Mats are the perfect space for all the family. Not only do they look fantastic; you can also enjoy the quality and comfort for years to come.
sales & new stuffsee all
Wendys Music School Melbourne
Wondering about Music Lessons? FREE 30 minute ASSESSMENT. Find out if your child is ready! Piano from age 3 years & Guitar, Singing, Drums, Violin from age 5. Lessons available for all ages. 35+ years experience. Structured program.
Use referral 'bubhub' when booking
featured supporter
Cryosite Family Cord Blood & Tissue Bank
Cryosite has been providing Cord Blood Banking services for over 12 years, and is the trusted choice of Australian families. To discuss the benefits of banking your baby's cord blood & tissue stem cells call us on 1800 220 410.
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!