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  1. #1
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    Default i cant handle my 2yr old:(

    my 2yr old was a very difficult baby. I knew she would be a handful once our ds was born (everyone gave me their opinion on how to deal with her, give her attention, get her involved, keep her in routine, make her feel loved...ive heard it all) but i did not even imagine it would be this hard.

    She has very few words (we are seeing a speech pathologist) so we cant communicate with her in the worst of times which escalates everything.
    Basically, everything is a huge deal for her and everthing requires a tantrum. Getting dressed, choosing clothes, putting shoes on, getting out the door, walking to the park (i let her walk, she wants the stroller. I put her in stroller, she wants to walk - i cant win). I give her limited choices. Im patient with her - to a point.
    ds's feeds are constantly inturupted because she screams which turns into crying hysterially. Ds pretty much doesnt exist when she is around and i feel sorry for him. He's pretty much left to be during dd's waking hours. (thank god he's a good baby)
    I ask for help but this isnt helping us in the long run.
    I just dont know how i should be handling her. She is going thru a very horrible stage.
    I want to set some boundries with her - like no hitting or kicking
    ATM she does what she wants and if she cant, her world falls apart and everyone suffers. We are sick of revolving around her moods.
    We are sick of having to put her needs first.
    We have been patient with her for long enough and this is going nowhere, i feel its time to step up and set her straight, for instance - i NEED to feed ds, screaming while i do this is not on. No matter what i set up for her while i feed, special activity, all her toys are accessable, tv is ignored and always has been, she constantly throws books and toys at me while i feed ds (some actually hit ds) she just turns feral. After i have fed, i cant even praise any good behaviour - because there was none!! Ds is put in his bassenette (safe grounds) and all my attention is on her again and the tantrums are still going so i end up walking away and she cries hysterically.
    We just dont know what to do with her. Dh is even admitting she's gotten worse as last night after her bath she kicked and hit him because she didnt want to get dressed. So DH put her on her bed, naked untill she calmed down (bout 5 mins) i heard dh say "are you ok now? daddy doesnt like being hit and kicked, i get very sad. c'mon lets get your pj's on so we can read our book....". She then started up again after she was dressed and had picked out a book, for no reason that we could see. We just put her straight to bed for an early night. DH was a bit shocked she behaved that way and felt awful with the way he had to deal with her (which i thought was quite appropriate). I said to him i deal with that 27 times a day and i just cant keep my cool all the time, i admit i end up yelling at her at the 10th time she has thrown a meal on the floor.
    Im scared of going out in public with her while i have ds because i feel i have no control over her.
    She goes to playgroup and it's a hit and miss with her tantrums there.
    I take her to toddler time at library and she is horrible there, we end up leaving after 10mins.
    She goes swimming and screams all the way home, everytime.

    i know it's possible all stemming from communication issues but we are woking on that atm. Im just at my wits end with her and really not enjoying being around her.
    What can i do?

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    I would get a play pen and put her in it while you are feeding DS. Give her limited toys and if she throws them out then she has to wait until you are finished feeding DS. Make sure you talk to her while she is in there and explain why she is going in there and when she starts behaving better she wont have to go in there, but for the time being you need to keep DS safe while he is feeding.
    Praise all good behaviour no matter how small and maybe try a very simple behaviour chart where she earns stickers for doing the right thing. Once she has 10 she can go to the park, once she earns 20 she gets to go on a special outing etc.

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    I felt so sad reading this...I went through something similar when my second was born. It was a horrible horrible time.

    i wish I had some advice or a solution for you but I don't. It took time, a couple of months, and me crying every day until things improved. My relationship with my eldest returned to normal and she began to accept her baby sister.

    How old is your ds? And I'm guessing your daughters behaviour was not like this before he was born?

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    Oh you poor thing That sounds absolutely horrible.

    Have you looked into a program like 1-2-3 Magic or something like that? I have heard good things from people I now... I don't know if it would work in your situation but you never know.

    I really hope things improve

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    Default Re: i cant handle my 2yr old:(

    What about an occupational therapist? They might be able to help with behavioural strategies for her AND for you. I've considered taking dd1 for similar reasons tho she is older (5 now). We muddled through somehow so I didn't end up going, but it could be worthwhile for you. Massive I know how hard it is.

    Btw dd1 is oppositional like that, it's really pronounced when her diet is bad but much better when we keep her off additives. If you are interested google "Failsafe" and see if that rings any bells.

    ETA by "bad diet" I don't mean to suggest you are feeding her unhealthy foods. For us it was a case of switching brands, eg swapping cooking oil, bread etc for brands that use minimal/no additives, or additives that don't cause behavioural problems.
    Last edited by Gothel; 31-01-2013 at 13:45.

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    Default i cant handle my 2yr old:(

    I second 1-2-3 Magic (I've used it in the classroom). Also, I just read a great book - Politically Incorrect Parenting by Nigel Latta which has some great strategies IMO. It's available as an iBook too. A crucial message in each book is the importance of all caregivers being on the same page...

    Hang in there, and I hope this stage passes for you soon!

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    Default Re: i cant handle my 2yr old:(

    123 magic is a great program but isn't it only for the over 3'a? I think they only recommend it from that age up, and I know when I tried it with dd2 before that age, it was useless because she just didn't understand any of it.

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    Daycare. I'm not joking. My DS1 is very similar to your daughter. Incredibly full-on. And we had a DREADFUL time for the first few months of DS2's life. We did all the "right" things, consistent, giving choices, giving positive attenton, praise for right behaviour, 1-2-3 timeout etc and his behaviour was consistently dreadful. He would pick fights all day long for no reason and we'd all be miserable.

    The good news is he has recently suddenly come out the other end and back to his usual behaviour, he still has normal toddler tanties occasionally but he's no longer an angry miserable little boy causing trouble every second of the day. It appears it was just a phase we had to suffer through.

    Daycare. Daycare. Daycare. Save your sanity.

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    sorry i forgot to add my ds is almost 5 weeks old. i guess it's just going to take us some time. She has always been difficult, head strong, short fuse. We have always had our fantastic days and our awful days. Since ds it seems she has become more angy and the violence has started. She understands every single thing we say to her, she's not dumb!! its just that she doesnt speak, so it must frustrate her amongst other things right now. I hate being in tears daily, i hate seeing her so upset.


 

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