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  1. #21
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    Default Is it Ok for the child just to know ONE set of grandparents?

    My daughter only knows DH side of the family, and is really close with her nan and pop. I have no connections with my family, and my parents have made no effort to see her, so what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

  2. #22
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    I don't see why it's up to SIL to do everything. She probably has her hands full with the kids. I think it's up to your brother and mother to foster the relationship. If SIL was actually stopping this then I would see a problem. Dh's mum and dad are divorced and both of them live far away (one interstate). Dh calls and sends pictures to his parents and both sets of grandparents also call and send packages to our kids all the time.

  3. #23
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    Not really sure why you are blaming the wife? Of course she is going to make more effort with her own parents, just like the onus is on your brother to make an effort with his! It's easy to make your sil the scape goat but really they are all adults & equally responsible for maintaining relationships.

    I have a great relationship with my inlaws , i love them,but it is still hubby that calls them & takes their calls the majority of the time, remembers their birthdays etc, like he's been doing his whole life. And if he forgets his mum is cranky at him, not me!
    Last edited by Mathermy; 22-04-2013 at 17:33.

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  5. #24
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    While it is sad for your mum, it is perfectly alright for parents to choose who their children get to know.
    My children know my side very well and only kinda know my dh's. They have put no effort into coming to see us or ringing us so we feel they don't want a relationship as much as my family did who does make the effort.

  6. #25
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    If the grandparents are di@ks then yeah it's OK if the grandkids don't know them. If they are nice, then the lack of a relationship is a little sad.

    Assuming your mum fits into the 'nice' category then I think the responsibility for fostering a relationship falls on your brother... And mum (ie grandma). I don't think your SIL is to blame. In this day and age with phones, Skype, envelopes and stamps there is no excuse for a poor relationship other than apathy. Your brother and mum need to both pull their finger out. And if your mum doesn't then I don't see why you should be fighting the battle for her.

  7. #26
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    In reply to the original question, I think it's fine for kids to only know one set of grandparents. My DD does and she is definitely not missing out.

    In this situation though, it's sad for you mum as it sounds like she'd like to be a part of their life I think your brother needs to step up and make the effort though. I can't blame your SIL for not putting in the leg work.... it's his family after all?

    Can you Mum maybe call your brother and let him know how she's feeling? Maybe he just honestly doesn't realise and just needs a gentle reminder that your family would like to be involved too?

  8. #27
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    I agree with many posters - your SIL is not responsible for maintaining the link with her DH's family. It certainly works that way for us - I look after my side, he looks after his. I did cop a bit of flak from my DH's uncles and aunts about who did/didnt get invited to our wedding until I reminded them of this rule. DH made that decision on his own and if anything I encouraged him to include them.

    Its tough being in your SIL's position, we're not our DH's mothers or keepers. They are just as responsible for keeping those relationships with their families going after marriage/babies as they were as single blokes. We've already got one set of family we're managing (and I'm sure 99% of the time, the DHs are not actively fostering and contributing to that effort).

    And for the record, I hardly knew both sets of grandparents due to living in different countries. I will do everything in my power to stop that happening for my kids because it is something I very much wish had been different in my life growing up.

  9. #28
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    My inlaws live 6 hours away and my own parents 1 1/2 hours. I send emails and pictures to both of them. We have a weekly phone call from the inlaws and I think that is awesome. My husbands relationship with his parents had improved since having out daughter. He only ever used to call on birthdays and mothers/fathers day.

    My daughter is lucky in that she also has two sets of great grandparents in the same town as my parents. If we make the drive we make the effort to see them too as you never know how long they are going to be here for. I think it's great that she can form those relationships.

  10. #29
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    Answering the topic title...my kids only know my mum and have nothing to do with my il's. The reason being...my inlaws don't want nothing to do with us. Has your mum tried to be in contact with her daughter inlaw? Does you mum call the grandkids, send cards and show interest? My inlaws never did any of the above so as far as I'm concerned they don't care. Your SIL might feel the same way?

  11. #30
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    My mother is much more involved with DD than DH's parents. My mother doesn't work so watches DD a few hours a week, DH's parents both work full time and never see us during the week at all. My mother offers to help out, asks if we need anything etc, DH's parents are very engrossed with their other grandchildren and haven't once offered assistance or even just generally to be involved, not a single time.

    So while there's nothing wrong with them, they hardly see DD and I leave it up to DH to make most of the contact. I don't see any issue with the situation and would be very surprised if anyone else was up in arms about the disparity.

    There's an old saying - you have a daughter for life, and a son until he finds a wife. Sometimes I think there's some truth to that!


 

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