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  1. #1
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    Default I am a new mother and I am feeling blue.

    I am feeling quite blue recently. Some days I feel that I am in control and things are well but some days I feel otherwise.

    DS1 is 7 and recently been very testing. He seems to challenge my every instruction. When I told him to come bathe he would say he has important things to do, and whether he can bathe the next day. When I say no he would protest. When I say come I read you a book now (usually during bed-time before DS2 arrived 3 months ago), I would try to slot it in the day when bub doesnt need my attention. He would try to delay too. He has 101 things he wanted to do nowadays...using the internet, watching tele, drawing, playing etc. I tried telling him that when his bro doesnt need my attention, I need to get him bathed and read him a book etc etc cos I wont be able to do so when bub needs me. He says he understand what I mean but he reacts otherwise. Very often my requests and his protests end up in a sort of squabble. I must really insist then he would relent but would give me this glare.

    We have DS1 for 7 years now, he has had every attention from DH and me. It was a long journey before we have DS2. I am so happy to be a mother again. But at the moment, I feel very lousy. I feel like I am losing my big boy. I feel like I am losing control over him. Is this normal behaviour for a 7YO? Or is he reacting because of his brother? He says he finds his bro cute but we can see that he is jealous too. He helps out with his bro whenever I ask him to.

    I feel very inadequate at the moment. I was on cloud nine a while back but suddenly I feel quite down. I feel like I am not a good mum to DS1 but I want to be with DS2 so much. I never expected myself to feel this way cos we really wanted to have another baby, a sibling for DS1 to grow up with.

    During these 3 months, DH had spent time out with DS1 and I have also taken DS1 out shopping on my own. We still cuddle him as much as we can, read him books and play board games with him. I definitely spend most time with bub, it cant be helped. He does get reprimanded a fair amount but we also affirm our love for him all the time.

    My question is, do kids behave this way at this age? Or is it an issue with jealousy and insecurity? What else should we do?

    Please dont judge me as what I have written is just a gist. I cant be squeezing so much content here. It is also like a vent. I know I probably do better with professional counselling and I am thinking of seeing one, but I would love to hear any mum's story which can encourage me.

    Thanks.

  2. #2
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    Default I am a new mother and I am feeling blue.

    So sorry you feel like that.. I don't have a 7 year old, but to me it sounds like he's trying to take a little control back.. Before, when it was just the 3 of you, he (possibly) had more say about what he'd do, or when... And knew that you were both always there for him when he wanted you... Now, this little thing (that is cute, but boring! Lol) has taken your time, and he's having to share you, as well as possibly a feeling of having less flexibility (or control) in his own day to day life..
    My DS is 3.5, and DD is 12 weeks, and I've had the same type of issue. I'm (trying) to make an effort to have 'special' time each day with him - he gets to choose the activity, DD gets dragged along (this girl will have seen more trains than most kids her age!), and then I just try for flexible and everything with plenty of warning (reminding about bath before dinner, rather than waiting till I have time free and expecting him to drop everything then and there..) so it doesn't seem like I'm saying 'ok. I have time for you now that bub is asleep/otherwise happy'
    Maybe this is too simplified for a 7 year old, but I just thought I'd reply and let you know you're not alone with a newly difficult child x

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    Mom2TwoDSs  (17-01-2013)

  4. #3
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    Hi,
    It is probably a mixture of things but it also sounds like Mr 7 has developed independence and his personality is shining through. My ds is 5.5 years and his sister is 8 months old. At first there was a bit of jealousy from my son and he wouldn't listen to what I wanted him to do but now he is settled. Maybe recognising that your big boy doesn't need you to do some things for him will help the situation. You could lay out his jamas and turn the shower on for him but he can get his towel ready and shower himself. There could be negotiated rules around tv and the internet. For example letting him have 30 minutes each day but if he doesn't shower himself he loses minutes. Perhaps letting him help decide on his routine will give him some control and allow him to decide on what needs doing. At the moment it sounds like he is having to fit into baby's and your routine. Give him some control and see what happens.

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    Mom2TwoDSs  (17-01-2013)

  6. #4
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    Thank you.

    Yeah thanks for telling me the part about fitting him into bubs schedule. I didnt realise that. I was thinking since he is 7 he can understand that mum's busy with LO so she is spending time with him whenever she can.

    This morning I told him I really need to come up with a schedule even though it is the holidays for him. He has plenty of time now and yet he tells me he has lots he wants to do. He fights going to bed every night (goes down at 930pm) and wakes at 630am. I feel that he is not having enough sleep.

    His defiance scares me and saddens me at the same time. He wasnt like that so I am totally unsure if it is a phase for a 7YO or is it due to his baby brother.

    I think it is an excellent idea to let him come up with a schedule so he can have a bit of control and I can have a bit of order and obedience around the house.

  7. #5
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    Default I am a new mother and I am feeling blue.

    At 7 he can understand why you're busy, but doesn't mean he needs to be happy about it!
    I'd think that if he's been a reasonably happy and compliant child before his brother was born that a lot of the defiance now is probably jealousy and/or attention seeking... So maybe a little of ignoring the bad (when you can) and (extra) praising the good behaviour might encourage more cooperation as well. Or maybe a rewards chart..?
    Good luck with creating a schedule!

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  9. #6
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    Thank you.

    Life's so busy right now it's crazy, sometimes no time to even speak properly!

    So this morning DS1 has come up with his holiday schedule. I will just have a look and slot in the timings. Shall see how it goes from there.

    Thank you again!

  10. #7
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    Default I am a new mother and I am feeling blue.

    Sounds great! Try not to put in too many times - maybe just the important things like waking up, meals, bath and bed time... Your bubbas routine isn't yet a set routine (as I'm sure you'd know! ) and if you allow for some flex in times, it'll reduce stress for all of you
    Enjoy!


 

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