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  1. #1
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    Default Is it fair to push for this?

    For those of you unfamiliar with me... I'm 26 and have a 7.5-year-old-daughter. I've been with DP since mid-2008 and he's not DD's father, obviously, but has taken on that role. He works full-time and earns a decent amount in a fairly stable career, and I've just started working too, after studying. DP is 2 years younger than I am.

    Anyway...

    I want a baby. I've wanted a baby for years... I've wanted another since DD was 2, basically, but her father didn't want another, and we split up (thankfully) before any more babies happened there... and then I had to "start again," in a relationship and work towards the baby thing again.

    DP and I will have been together 5 years in June. I'm 27 this year, he's 25 soon.

    We didn't want to have babies until we were in a position (mostly financially) to have one, and of course I have to take into consideration the fact he is younger than I am. I'm now working, and all going well I'll be continuing to work from here on out.

    I'm thinking of saying that, sometime next year (when he's 26 and I'm 28 - DD will be 9 that year), that we TTC. If it takes a few months first, etc etc... it basically means that by the time we actually have a new baby, he'll be 27, I'll be 29 and DD will be 10. That's still far too much of a gap for my liking, but I'm happy enough with it. It gives us time to plan, me time to work in my career so I can return to it easily enough afterwards if I want to, etc. It enables that financial preparation that we had wanted.

    DP, so far, wants kids... but it seems to be a "sometime," thing... rather than a "by X date," kind of thing for him. I wouldn't care much, except that I've already got DD, and the longer I draw this whole having kids thing out, the longer I am going to be heavily depended on by a child. Even if she's living with us when she's 18, I can still go out without her, kwim? I suppose one benefit of having a baby when she's 10 will mean that if I need to duck to the shops when she's 15 or so, I could always ask her to watch her 5-year-old sibling... or something.

    Also keep in mind that DP maybe wants 2 of his own (if he wants more, too bad... the cut off for me is 2 more... lol)... so there's still another to follow after this one, possibly.

    I want to travel. Yes, you can do that with kids, but if I do, I want to do it with older kids, not little kids... but I don't want to be in my 60s and doing that. So for me, there's a bit of a time clicking away... I didn't get to do it as a young person, so my only option is once my kids are self-sufficient enough to either come with us and enjoy it, or stay at home cos they're adults.

    So do you think I should be able to bring this idea to DP and really push for it to happen. He's so lazy with plan-making that he will be reluctant to agree, even if he's actually okay with the idea... so I will have to push for it.

    I basically just need you guys to tell me if it's a reasonable thing to push for or not... because I have anxiety and wuss out easily, basically. lol.

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    Default Is it fair to push for this?

    I think it is very fair to bring up! I think you will know from his response how much you will push it. You might be surprised and find after you explain the above reasoning, that he agrees with you. I know my DH never thinks about these sorts of things so when I talk about timelines and planning he begins to see things pretty much the same way. I'd at least start the conversation with him and see where it goes from there, maybe don't go into it thinking you'll have to push for it, you might not

  3. #3
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    I think 'push' is the wrong word. I think its totally fair to sit down and have the conversation about it and for you to let him know you want to get started on this. If he is still only just toying with the idea and thats not good enough for you then you might need to look at parting ways (obviously thats the worst case scenario).
    You both need to be on the same page and I dont think there is ever a bad time to have a conversation about what you want out of a relastionship...its better to know and work towards common goals together than to 'wait and see' and possibly miss out.

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    Default Is it fair to push for this?

    I don't think it's unreasonable at all for you to push this.
    I think all the same things as you, or I did. About the travel etc.

    I'm 27 and have a 7 year old, he was 4 when I met my now DH and I said I wanted to be finished having kids by the time I'm 28. So that I wasn't traveling when I'm an old lady etc. I want the kids to be grown up and off doing their own things do I had that freedom. DH took some convincing but we just had DS nov 2011 and DD in December and I turn 28 in jan!

    I think if you put all the points to him and express how important this is and has always been to you he might be more open to setting a 'date'. And not only will you be happy but it's benefiting him also because he's going to be traveling etc with you once the kids are grown!

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    I think it's perfectly reasonable. I think you need t write out some dot points just so you have the factual info at hand - age of you DD in different scenarios etc.
    It seems you are both planning a life together and he just may not have thought about these things in terms of ages - you and your DD and also having 2 of his own kids in terms of both your ages having them.

    You wouldn't be being pushy or unfair wanting to chat about this. Even just chatting about it will get the ball rolling and you can both put a plan of action into place and know where you are both headed and what direction you want to take together.

    Good luck.

    I love squishy bubby babies.

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    Default Is it fair to push for this?

    It took over a year for my DH to feel like he was ready for another bub. He has two from his first marriage, and I have one. I wanted one of "ours", iykwim? Dd2 is 17 wks old. I had told him I didn't want to be too old, and 32 was a cutoff age for me. I am 31 now, and DD1 is 10, I have an 8 yo DSS and an 11 yo DSD, and I must say, the big gap is awesome, the kids are so helpful!
    Anyway, back to you

    I think it is very reasonable to raise this with him. I think you should indeed tell him what you want, and when. He needs to know how important it is to you, and when you'd like to do it. I think you have to be open to compromise, of course, as its such a big decision, but I don't think it is in any way unreasonable for you to want to know that it will happen, and when.

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    Default Is it fair to push for this?

    When me & DH got together I said I definetly DIDN'T want more kids.

    A year in I realized I'd changed my mind after ALOT of tears I told him, he said he needed time to think about it. He came back said he was on board but only 1 more.

    Long story short 2 + yrs later we are still working towards number 1.

    We are fairly comfortable with what will be will be which is probably a little odd after 4 x ivf & 1 major surgery.

    I think my point is its wise to plan in advance, we never know what the future holds. First step is knowing your on the same page & making plans from there

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    Default Is it fair to push for this?

    I think it's fair for you to open up the conversation and suggest a plan, but not fair to push your plan as 'the only plan' that is valid.

    IMO 24 is too young for a man to be thinking about having kids, certainly too young to push him into it.

    Let him know what you're thinking and see what he says.

    Good luck

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    Default Is it fair to push for this?

    Yes I think you should definitely talk to him about it. I 'pushed' DH for our bub. But it was the best thing we ever did, we both agree on that. And I completely understand all of your reasons.

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    Default Is it fair to push for this?

    Completely reasonable!!!!


 

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