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  1. #11
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    Default Need advise, When Religion destroys your marriage.

    Thank you all so much for this.

    I do think separate counseling would be the best.
    I know that I can get on a health care plan due to past depression and PND but I'm not sure about DH.
    However even if it was once a month to start with its better than nothing, we can afford it in a few months time, it's just it's that time of year when every single bill comes at once, anything that empties our bank does.
    I really feel like its at a breaking point right now and if we don't get help ASAP counseling won't even be something we would consider IYKWIM, so we might just have to make it work no matter the cost.
    He can't go on like this, husband or not what he is feeling is just heartbreaking.

    I'm going to have a talk to him tonight and try and find out what he is thinking, I don't think he will seek counseling himself, he is to afraid but I will ask him if I was to arrange everything would he go.
    I kind of owe it to him as he did the same for me with the PND.
    I hope if I just try and talk to him a bit differently he might open up a little more, if not then that's ok.
    But I just feel so distant from him that until counseling is arranged I can only try my hardest to try and understand how he is feeling more.

    I will be sure to keep you all updated on this.
    I never would have thought a group of people and beliefs could have such a negative impact on some people.

    It also doesn't help ease my worry when I hit up google and read stories like mine and most end in divorce
    I also wonder how many others are secretly living lives like me and my husband

  2. #12
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    Default Need advise, When Religion destroys your marriage.

    Quote Originally Posted by kalgirl View Post
    Biggest hugs. I'm so sorry that this was your church experience. I really admire that you're both sticking this out and asking for help and to heal and recover your intimacy together. Lots of good advice so far. I do know of a couple that required help along the same lines as you after leaving a church that left them feeling victimised. This was at least 5 years ago and I do not know if the service is still provided or can be found in your state.

    My friends were referred to another Christian counsellor who specialised in people leaving that particular church; he was in no way linked to that church, he just assisted people who needed to heal after their poor experience. Apparently there were/are quite a few, such is the consistent damage experienced by ex members.

    For my friends, the counselling was not so god centred as to make them feel that this counsellor was hoping to sweep them into his church. They still do not attend church and that was completely fine with their counsellor. I think he absolutely respected that their experience had left them bruised and understood that a new church was not what they needed.

    I mention this avenue as it was free. Also because perhaps your husband still needs a Christian centred approach to healing, rather than a purely psychological approach? If you google 'ex members of hillsong' or 'help after leaving hillsong' you might find a support group or someone that can refer you to a counsellor that is aware of the particular needs of ex hillsongers and who would suit you both or your DH.
    Thank you!!
    I will look into this.
    Thank you.

  3. #13
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    Oh I am so sorry you are both going through this.

    I was also bought up in a religion that shamed sexual thoughts/feelings etc. No sex before marriage etc etc (don't want to go to much into detail).

    This is not his fault it is the fault of the way he has been treated by people within the church. He needs understanding help from a counsellor that specialises in these sort of areas.

    I also recommend going and getting a mental health plan and getting cheaper visits. There are some community organisations that do counselling without a mental health plan at a cheaper rate.

    He would not be judged nor made to do anything he is not comfortable with. I would think he would need counselling alone before counselling together with you. He needs to heal himself before he can heal the issues between you two.

    I am so sorry this is happening to you

  4. #14
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    Default Need advise, When Religion destroys your marriage.

    Quote Originally Posted by escapee View Post
    I can't really offer much in regards to the mental side of trying to solve this but was thinking would it work to take the pressure he feels (intended or not) to have s.ex away? Go back to holding hands, kisssing, then moving on to touching, nothing leading to sex. Doesn't get rid of the mental thoughts but might ease the pressure to just enjoy eachother for a while. Or is even those acts "to much"?
    The other thing I was thinking is to build up his confidence and self worth. Getting him to discover who he is without church, parents etc expectations.

    As with any fear or phobia you have to determine if they are real or not (for him). It takes alot of self assessment and hard work/drive to overcome.
    No he is fine with holding hands, cuddling, kissing he is fine with too but the moment we start kissing he will get turned on, which is great, but then it leads to s3x and then that usually turns into a disaster.
    It's almost made me to afraid to kiss him because I don't want to hurt him and I hate the feeling of being rejected at the same time.

    I've been trying to build up his self confidence more lately, but it had been hard when I have feelings of hurt as well.

    All my friends complain about their husbands and how "I can't keep him off me" or how they have to wear appropriate attire to bed so their husbands don't pester them all night.
    I get so jealous of them.

    It really has become me now fearing sex even starting because I know how the night will most likely end and its just taken its toll on me emotionally as well.

    I'm sorry if all this is just sounding dumb.

  5. #15
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    Default Need advise, When Religion destroys your marriage.

    Deleted due to it being too personal to share on a public forum; OP I wish you all the best and I hope DH and yourself can access the support you need
    Last edited by gonnabeaGR8mum; 12-01-2013 at 06:37.

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    Default Need advise, When Religion destroys your marriage.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cheerilee View Post
    Oh I am so sorry you are both going through this.

    I was also bought up in a religion that shamed sexual thoughts/feelings etc. No sex before marriage etc etc (don't want to go to much into detail).

    This is not his fault it is the fault of the way he has been treated by people within the church. He needs understanding help from a counsellor that specialises in these sort of areas.

    I also recommend going and getting a mental health plan and getting cheaper visits. There are some community organisations that do counselling without a mental health plan at a cheaper rate.

    He would not be judged nor made to do anything he is not comfortable with. I would think he would need counselling alone before counselling together with you. He needs to heal himself before he can heal the issues between you two.

    I am so sorry this is happening to you
    Thank you for sharing.
    I'm about to go see if their is any sort of support groups around us that might be able to help him, or help me help him.

    I'm more than happy to stand by him for however long it takes for him to accept himself and for healing to come from his self blame.
    I'm just unsure if I can say I will stay with him in another 10-20 years time and things haven't improved at all.
    I also have to think of my children and I most definitely want them to see mum and dad show affection, I don't want them growing up having the same guilt their dad gets over something so natural.

    I just go through so many emotions going from angry, to sadness, to wanting to help him to thinking there is no point,
    It all comes back to if we were to ever end I would like to feel as though I did try everything.
    I don't want this to destroy us, I know it will take a long time for both of us to heal from all this.
    But if I don't start trying now it will never get any better.

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    Default Re: Need advise, When Religion destroys your marriage.

    OP, would he consider talking with Mensline as a starting point?

    They do telephone and online counselling (a bit of anonymity does wonders sometimes ). This may be a helpful way for your partner to begin the process of talking.

    Here is a link, http://www.mensline.org.au/Home.html



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  8. #18
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    Default Need advise, When Religion destroys your marriage.

    I couldn't read and not post, nothing helpful but some big hugs and that I hope you can both get through this

  9. #19
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    LifeInShadesOfGrey is offline Just a little bit silly :)
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    Default Need advise, When Religion destroys your marriage.

    Quote Originally Posted by sjay View Post
    I couldn't read and not post, nothing helpful but some big hugs and that I hope you can both get through this
    Same here. I hope that you both can worth through this and move forward in a positive area.

  10. #20
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    Default Need advise, When Religion destroys your marriage.

    I just wanted to say that I think you are an incredible person!
    Your dh is so luck yto be married to someone like you who has so much compassion.
    I "pray" (not to any god as i am not religious) that you and your husband can get the help that you both need.


 

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