I'm an undercover hubber
This is a controversial topic, I have no issues with God or the God anyone follows but I do have issues with the church, sorry if my post offends anyone but I'm not after a religion debate. I'm after some help. If you only have things to say regarding religion/church in a manner that won't help my current marriage problems then please retain from offering advise.
My husband was bought up in a very strong Christian house hold, Assemblies of God (Hillsong, "Down to earth" Christianity if you will)
Now it wasn't until I was 21 and didn't have many friends that I met a girl who got me into her church group, a long story short I became a Christian, a year later I met my husband in the church.
After a year together, well Courting, we were married in the church..
My husband was a virgin, I wasn't and had 5 sexual partners before him.
This was ok because I was "Forgiven" by god but it proved to have it challenges.
Now this is where our problem lays, how all that has effect us today.
Both my husband and I are no longer Christian.
After many things happened to us in the church that if I shared with you all I would be here all day and night explaining so please just try to take my word for it when I say there are strong reasons why we left our religion and the church.
both of us have no intention of ever being involved with any form of church again. Ever.
It was my husband who said he wants to stop with following the religion, I was having the same feelings but didn't tell him, so it was a mutual decision.
He has admitted he only ever went to church because of his parents and never experienced the drive to want to be religious. In a nut shell he never made the choice to become Christian, but even with that being the case he was effected by the views of the church.
before we were married we maintained a no-sex, no-cohabiting rule. We have both struggled to break away from the mental stigma from the church that have caused us to attach to sex and any affection.
My husband especially is having a lot of trouble breaking down the mentality of sex as a ‘bad’ thing, He struggles to connect with me sexually because he feels guilty about it. We had sex sporadically in the first few weeks of our marriage, but since then it goes months between each time – and only ever happens if I initiate and ends in tears.
We have not had sex for a long time now.
My husband also went though something just before we were married that was completely blown out of the water by the church.
He went away for a men's conference and in conversation mentioned he sometimes watched porn (I knew about this, I didn't really care, all i asked of him was to not let it effect out relationship, he did fine with that, we would sometimes watch it together, most likely because it was the only sexual connection we could have as a couple before marriage)
Well the church sent him to healing rooms, christian counselors, prayer nights and got him re-baptized, told him he couldn't masturbate, if he did he had to pray for forgiveness and tell his pastor, tell me.. TELL HIS PARENTS, it was the biggest up in arms movement we had from the church every one was involved, It would have been so embarrassing for him buy because we believed half of it we followed the advise to bring our wedding forward to stop my husband being led into temptation, In our eyes how was my husband suppose to be around me, not touch me, be affectionate with me, and then not even masturbate until our wedding which was a year away then, so 3 months later we got married.
We also lived together before marriage for quite some time, the church thankfully didn't know about this but obviously my husbands parents did, they were devastated and made it hard for us, another contributing factor to the short engagement. We just wanted to be together. The only way we could was if we were married, we were sick of being told we could only see each other as "Brother and Sister" before marriage.
Sick of wanting each other but being afraid of disobeying gods commands.
Now I didn't grow up with religion,
So I haven't been effected to much over the sexual side of things in our marriage.
My husband tears himself up over anything that is sexual, I really do not care if he needs to masturbate sometimes, but if he does it he will feel guilt, he thinks he has "Self indulged" he is frightened that I will be disappointed in him, he thinks it means he has failed in his marriage commitment to me, just things that aren't true. He hates the feelings he gets, I feel like he never got the chance to even explore himself sexually, never got the chance to have an orgasim with out feeling terrible guilt afterwards.
For weeks he will be so torn up over it.
With sex, 90% of the time he won't be able to get an erection, he will get one but when things heat up he starts getting nervous and it goes and quick as it came on, it's so frustrating for me, I always have calm discussions with him about it, some don't stay calm and my frustration shows and then in the end he will cry and get so upset and frustrated over it because he says he just can't get the thought out of his head that he has somehow hurt our marriage due to how everything started off, He blames himself all the time, when ever he gets close to me he starts feeling nervous and ultimately repressed.
Many times we have both cried ourselves to sleep over this.
He is a very honest man and has said many of times he wants to be with me, he wants to just be able to have sex with me, show affection to me, that he is extremely sexually attracted to me but it's just been set in his mind since birth that you can't do that with a woman, he was always told he could do it with his wife, but no one ever told him about the GOOD things about sex, only the BAD things to stop him from "Sinning" before marriage.
No one ever said how good sex would be with his WIFE it was always don't fall into temptation, whenever you have sexual thoughts of any kind you need to get closer to god, ask for forgiveness, tell people about your troubles so you can repent.
To say his teenage years were hard on him would be an understatement.
We have been married for 5 years now, we have been out of the church for 4 years.
We both love each other, nothing in me tells me he might not love me, he knows that I love him too but we both agree we got pushed into marriage to quick.
We don't want a divorce but we both know that's where things will end up if things don't change.
It makes me so upset to see my husband being torn up over something so dam natural!
It's made him resent his parents, oh so many things..
I'm not perfect in all this either! I feel bad over little things that I know the church didn't condone and feel like I have to hide things from my husbands side of the family, we have to lie to them all the time to keep the peace.
We both want to work this out, we have tried and things are good for a bit then it all comes back.
I do think if we weren't pushed into marriage we still would have ended up together, just not so quickly.
We talk about this often.
We kind of wish we had met under different circumstances.
I want to help my husband as I know how upset and frustrated he gets that he can't follow his natural desires to want me, I get upset as it obviously takes its toll on me as well!
I want to feel that desire I know my husband has for me, I'm sick of feeling like we can't move forward.
He want's help, he wants to go to counseling, but he has said he is worried about what a counselor will think of him (yes this is how much it's effected him, he thinks a counselor will judge him)
I have been to counseling in the past, the last time being was when I had PND and I know how much a counselor can help.
Another thing is money, we really don't have extra cash to see one right now, its been tough financially lately, I know we need to go, but I'm afraid we will miss sessions because we really can't afford it
We have been through so much in such a short period of time.
We need help. We needed help long ago, we don't want to loose each other but it's slowly happening against our wishes due to obvious problems.
How much does a marriage counselor cost?
How many times do you go?
Did it work for you?
I'm really just wanting to get this off my chest as no one else knows about all this, Im after some advise and I'm just feeling sad that I have a wonderful husband, he is beyond an excellent father who puts so much time into me and our child, but it just makes me so sad that everything is slowly being destroyed by this repression and past mind drilling teachings that have caused us to have some depressing habits and thoughts towards sex.
If you have gotten this far I thank you for taking the time to read this.
I'm sorry if I offended any one, but i just wanted to truthfully say how I'm feeling in order to gain better advise.