+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 30
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Posts
    5
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked
    0
    Reviews
    0

    Default Need advise, When Religion destroys your marriage.

    I'm an undercover hubber
    This is a controversial topic, I have no issues with God or the God anyone follows but I do have issues with the church, sorry if my post offends anyone but I'm not after a religion debate. I'm after some help. If you only have things to say regarding religion/church in a manner that won't help my current marriage problems then please retain from offering advise.


    My husband was bought up in a very strong Christian house hold, Assemblies of God (Hillsong, "Down to earth" Christianity if you will)
    Now it wasn't until I was 21 and didn't have many friends that I met a girl who got me into her church group, a long story short I became a Christian, a year later I met my husband in the church.
    After a year together, well Courting, we were married in the church..
    My husband was a virgin, I wasn't and had 5 sexual partners before him.
    This was ok because I was "Forgiven" by god but it proved to have it challenges.

    Now this is where our problem lays, how all that has effect us today.
    Both my husband and I are no longer Christian.
    After many things happened to us in the church that if I shared with you all I would be here all day and night explaining so please just try to take my word for it when I say there are strong reasons why we left our religion and the church.
    both of us have no intention of ever being involved with any form of church again. Ever.
    It was my husband who said he wants to stop with following the religion, I was having the same feelings but didn't tell him, so it was a mutual decision.
    He has admitted he only ever went to church because of his parents and never experienced the drive to want to be religious. In a nut shell he never made the choice to become Christian, but even with that being the case he was effected by the views of the church.


    before we were married we maintained a no-sex, no-cohabiting rule. We have both struggled to break away from the mental stigma from the church that have caused us to attach to sex and any affection.
    My husband especially is having a lot of trouble breaking down the mentality of sex as a ‘bad’ thing, He struggles to connect with me sexually because he feels guilty about it. We had sex sporadically in the first few weeks of our marriage, but since then it goes months between each time – and only ever happens if I initiate and ends in tears.
    We have not had sex for a long time now.


    My husband also went though something just before we were married that was completely blown out of the water by the church.
    He went away for a men's conference and in conversation mentioned he sometimes watched porn (I knew about this, I didn't really care, all i asked of him was to not let it effect out relationship, he did fine with that, we would sometimes watch it together, most likely because it was the only sexual connection we could have as a couple before marriage)
    Well the church sent him to healing rooms, christian counselors, prayer nights and got him re-baptized, told him he couldn't masturbate, if he did he had to pray for forgiveness and tell his pastor, tell me.. TELL HIS PARENTS, it was the biggest up in arms movement we had from the church every one was involved, It would have been so embarrassing for him buy because we believed half of it we followed the advise to bring our wedding forward to stop my husband being led into temptation, In our eyes how was my husband suppose to be around me, not touch me, be affectionate with me, and then not even masturbate until our wedding which was a year away then, so 3 months later we got married.
    We also lived together before marriage for quite some time, the church thankfully didn't know about this but obviously my husbands parents did, they were devastated and made it hard for us, another contributing factor to the short engagement. We just wanted to be together. The only way we could was if we were married, we were sick of being told we could only see each other as "Brother and Sister" before marriage.
    Sick of wanting each other but being afraid of disobeying gods commands.


    Now I didn't grow up with religion,
    So I haven't been effected to much over the sexual side of things in our marriage.
    My husband tears himself up over anything that is sexual, I really do not care if he needs to masturbate sometimes, but if he does it he will feel guilt, he thinks he has "Self indulged" he is frightened that I will be disappointed in him, he thinks it means he has failed in his marriage commitment to me, just things that aren't true. He hates the feelings he gets, I feel like he never got the chance to even explore himself sexually, never got the chance to have an orgasim with out feeling terrible guilt afterwards.
    For weeks he will be so torn up over it.
    With sex, 90% of the time he won't be able to get an erection, he will get one but when things heat up he starts getting nervous and it goes and quick as it came on, it's so frustrating for me, I always have calm discussions with him about it, some don't stay calm and my frustration shows and then in the end he will cry and get so upset and frustrated over it because he says he just can't get the thought out of his head that he has somehow hurt our marriage due to how everything started off, He blames himself all the time, when ever he gets close to me he starts feeling nervous and ultimately repressed.
    Many times we have both cried ourselves to sleep over this.


    He is a very honest man and has said many of times he wants to be with me, he wants to just be able to have sex with me, show affection to me, that he is extremely sexually attracted to me but it's just been set in his mind since birth that you can't do that with a woman, he was always told he could do it with his wife, but no one ever told him about the GOOD things about sex, only the BAD things to stop him from "Sinning" before marriage.
    No one ever said how good sex would be with his WIFE it was always don't fall into temptation, whenever you have sexual thoughts of any kind you need to get closer to god, ask for forgiveness, tell people about your troubles so you can repent.
    To say his teenage years were hard on him would be an understatement.


    We have been married for 5 years now, we have been out of the church for 4 years.
    We both love each other, nothing in me tells me he might not love me, he knows that I love him too but we both agree we got pushed into marriage to quick.
    We don't want a divorce but we both know that's where things will end up if things don't change.
    It makes me so upset to see my husband being torn up over something so dam natural!
    It's made him resent his parents, oh so many things..
    I'm not perfect in all this either! I feel bad over little things that I know the church didn't condone and feel like I have to hide things from my husbands side of the family, we have to lie to them all the time to keep the peace.


    We both want to work this out, we have tried and things are good for a bit then it all comes back.
    I do think if we weren't pushed into marriage we still would have ended up together, just not so quickly.
    We talk about this often.
    We kind of wish we had met under different circumstances.


    I want to help my husband as I know how upset and frustrated he gets that he can't follow his natural desires to want me, I get upset as it obviously takes its toll on me as well!
    I want to feel that desire I know my husband has for me, I'm sick of feeling like we can't move forward.
    He want's help, he wants to go to counseling, but he has said he is worried about what a counselor will think of him (yes this is how much it's effected him, he thinks a counselor will judge him)
    I have been to counseling in the past, the last time being was when I had PND and I know how much a counselor can help.
    Another thing is money, we really don't have extra cash to see one right now, its been tough financially lately, I know we need to go, but I'm afraid we will miss sessions because we really can't afford it


    We have been through so much in such a short period of time.
    We need help. We needed help long ago, we don't want to loose each other but it's slowly happening against our wishes due to obvious problems.


    How much does a marriage counselor cost?
    How many times do you go?
    Did it work for you?
    I'm really just wanting to get this off my chest as no one else knows about all this, Im after some advise and I'm just feeling sad that I have a wonderful husband, he is beyond an excellent father who puts so much time into me and our child, but it just makes me so sad that everything is slowly being destroyed by this repression and past mind drilling teachings that have caused us to have some depressing habits and thoughts towards sex.


    If you have gotten this far I thank you for taking the time to read this.
    I'm sorry if I offended any one, but i just wanted to truthfully say how I'm feeling in order to gain better advise.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Posts
    272
    Thanks
    3
    Thanked
    103
    Reviews
    0

    Default Need advise, When Religion destroys your marriage.

    First I am so sorry this has been happening to you. When I did counseling I spoke to my doctor about it all and I got the free/ discounted counseling sessions. When we had used these up it cost 120 per session.
    I don't know if this is something you might want to talk to your doctor about but if you do you go on a mental health plan. It is affecting your marriage and both you and hubby your self. I would also suggest your hubby do some sessions by himself as he will need help to over come these issues.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    1,581
    Thanks
    748
    Thanked
    733
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default Need advise, When Religion destroys your marriage.

    Ok big hugs that was a really long post so I think I got the general idea.

    Is it possible for you to buy/borrow some self help books if counselling is a little expensive? However as pp stated there is mental health plans available thru your GP.

    I'm just thinking books ( google for suggestions ) may be less confronting for hubby & you can both take your time, read & discuss. It's a start anyways good luck x

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Location
    Brisbane Bayside
    Posts
    875
    Thanks
    12
    Thanked
    408
    Reviews
    3
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default Need advise, When Religion destroys your marriage.

    The GP mental health plan for bulk billed sessions is a really good idea, or you could contact relationships Australia for marriage counselling; these sessions are subsidized according to your family income and number of children, but if you discuss your financial concerns with the counsellor in the first session, often they will find a way to make it more accessible for you because ultimately they want to help you, not contribute to financial trouble. Please get your husband to talk to someone outside of any religious influence, it sounds like he hasn't adjusted very well to 'civilian' life at all

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Posts
    166
    Thanks
    26
    Thanked
    30
    Reviews
    0
    sorry i couldn't read and not say anything i hope that both of you are able to get the help you need as it sounds as though you both are very much in love with each other.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    in a wormhole
    Posts
    2,769
    Thanks
    4,600
    Thanked
    2,802
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Would your husband agree to seeing a psychologist who specialises in s.exual issues? If he sees a GP he may be able to get a mental health plan drawn up and subsidised psychologist sessions. This is affecting his life and family so may be eligible for assistance. Some workplaces (most govt depts) offer a certain number of free psychologist visits - totally confidential, doesn't get relayed to work.

    What a difficult challenge for you both to have to deal with. I have a friend who had a similar issue and her DH saw a good psychologist and it really made a difference. The psych recommended one on one counselling first, before couples counselling.

    Good luck.

  7. The Following User Says Thank You to MissMuppet For This Useful Post:

    moongazer  (11-01-2013)

  8. #7
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Posts
    834
    Thanks
    157
    Thanked
    520
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    I feel so bad for him that he has been made to feel guilt over such a natural beautiful thing. You sound like an amazingly supportive and understanding wife.

    Perhaps he should see a professional by himself first? He may be able to speak more openly without you there. His GP is a good place to start.

    Best of luck.

  9. #8
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Posts
    321
    Thanks
    153
    Thanked
    249
    Reviews
    0

    Default Need advise, When Religion destroys your marriage.

    Biggest hugs. I'm so sorry that this was your church experience. I really admire that you're both sticking this out and asking for help and to heal and recover your intimacy together. Lots of good advice so far. I do know of a couple that required help along the same lines as you after leaving a church that left them feeling victimised. This was at least 5 years ago and I do not know if the service is still provided or can be found in your state.

    My friends were referred to another Christian counsellor who specialised in people leaving that particular church; he was in no way linked to that church, he just assisted people who needed to heal after their poor experience. Apparently there were/are quite a few, such is the consistent damage experienced by ex members.

    For my friends, the counselling was not so god centred as to make them feel that this counsellor was hoping to sweep them into his church. They still do not attend church and that was completely fine with their counsellor. I think he absolutely respected that their experience had left them bruised and understood that a new church was not what they needed.

    I mention this avenue as it was free. Also because perhaps your husband still needs a Christian centred approach to healing, rather than a purely psychological approach? If you google 'ex members of hillsong' or 'help after leaving hillsong' you might find a support group or someone that can refer you to a counsellor that is aware of the particular needs of ex hillsongers and who would suit you both or your DH.

  10. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to kalgirl For This Useful Post:

    moongazer  (11-01-2013),onkybear  (11-01-2013)

  11. #9
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    44
    Thanks
    25
    Thanked
    19
    Reviews
    0
    I can't really offer much in regards to the mental side of trying to solve this but was thinking would it work to take the pressure he feels (intended or not) to have s.ex away? Go back to holding hands, kisssing, then moving on to touching, nothing leading to sex. Doesn't get rid of the mental thoughts but might ease the pressure to just enjoy eachother for a while. Or is even those acts "to much"?
    The other thing I was thinking is to build up his confidence and self worth. Getting him to discover who he is without church, parents etc expectations.

    As with any fear or phobia you have to determine if they are real or not (for him). It takes alot of self assessment and hard work/drive to overcome.

  12. #10
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    1,496
    Thanks
    28
    Thanked
    94
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default Need advise, When Religion destroys your marriage.

    I'm so sorry you guys are having such a hard time. Big hugs. It sounds like you both really love eachother and have the drive to work it out. I agree with PP about seeing GP and getting mental health plan. I think it's 6 free sessions and then you could probably work out an arrangement with the councillor from there. I really hope things get better for you both and that you can move through this. Hugs again


 

Similar Threads

  1. Online shopping destroys Christmas magic?
    By babynomad in forum General Chat
    Replies: 21
    Last Post: 02-12-2012, 12:42
  2. whats your religion??
    By cocobambino in forum Religion / Spirituality
    Replies: 143
    Last Post: 29-08-2012, 23:22
  3. Replies: 0
    Last Post: 10-04-2012, 14:01

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Springfree Trampoline
Give the Ultimate Christmas Gift Springfree Trampoline
The World's Safest Trampoline™ is now also the world's first Smart Trampoline™. Sensors on the mat detect your every move and your jumps control fun, educational and active games on tablet. Secure the Ultimate Christmas Gift today!
sales & new stuffsee all
Pea Pods
Buy 2 Award Winning Pea Pods Reusable One Size Nappies for only $38 (in your choice of colours) and receive a FREE roll of Bamboo Liners. Don't miss out, we don't usually have discounts on the nappies, so grab this special offer!
Special Offer! Save $12
featured supporter
Be In Blossom
We offer physiotherapy run pregnancy Pilates, pregnancy Aerobics, and Mummy Pilates & Baby Massage classes with a focus on optimising posture, body awareness, pelvic floor support, back care and maintaining fitness, aiming to assist women prepare and recover from their birth.
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!