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  1. #1
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    Default 11yr old attitude...

    So my 11yr old boy has his fathers attitude "whatever", "i don't care", nothing bothers him, nothing phases him and he just lives life, doesn't care about anything that happens good or bad and doesn't accept consequences for his actions..... i can't 'punish him' because for example if i ban him from tv and ps3 etc then he just sits and draws and reads - he doesn't care...

    it annoys the hell out of me, and the more he grows up the more he's like his father... (his father and i DO NOT get on!!!)

    i've always worked hard and my husband works hard and we try and show ds that you need to work hard to buy things you want and to accept things that happen in life and use them as a lesson...

    we started a job chart for him before xmas, and said if he does his jobs then he'll get pocket money... but he has to do ALL the jobs to get paid, it's all or nothing!!! so he's been doing his jobs and we've been paying him and i thought it was working great because he even started talking about saving up for things eg. he said "in 3 weeks i'll have enough money to buy the ps3 game i want!!"

    so yay! i thought we were on a win.... however, this morning, i asked him to do his jobs and he said "can i not do them and just not get paid??"

    what the?!?!..... i don't want him to have this attitude... what do i say to that???

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    Say "no dice, son. When you are old enough to hold down a job, do you think you will do nothing and get paid for it?" Be firm, but smile too. (They hate that )

    It's a really difficult age- I teach that age and deal with this type of attitude every day. Do you and he share any interests? If you start taking an interest in his hobbies/ interests it will give you a common ground to share. Ask him questions, involve yourself (even if he doesn't want you to at first! lol) and create a dialogue.

    I think a lot of time the 'whatever' attitude is just this huge barrier they put up because they are starting to want to do things for their own/ on their own OR.. they are feeling a little insecure.

    Keep plugging away at it, and don't let him see that his attitude is getting to you...

  3. #3
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    You see that attitude as your son's father? I see that everyday as my daughter. HORMONES! The shrug response is the most irritating. Makes me feel like shouting "Speak child!"
    I think it's important to just stay constant, when my DD said she didn't want to do chores anymore (even though she gets PAID for them as we use it to teach work ethic and that money really doesn't grow on trees after all) finally I'd had enough and my response was to sit down all day and say "Me neither"
    "What's for lunch?"
    "I don't work for you anymore"
    "Oh okay, I guess I'll make it"
    "What's for dinner?"
    "I don't work for you anymore"
    Amazing how quickly her chores were done, she even helped me get dinner ready (peeling and cutting vegetables). She hasn't asked about not doing chores since, but she sure as heck has to be reminded about it and does it with iPod attached and deadpan look bordering on distasteful look on her face.
    BTW I never wanted her to have an iPod until she was at least 13, it was given to her as a gift, so I now steal it from her everytime she becomes a sadsack or unsociable, she also pretends not to care and just draws or reads, but she sure snatches it up again when it is returned.
    There has to be something he really doesn't want to part with.


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    the thing is.. the attitude comes from his dad... his dad is in and out of jobs every 2nd week... in and out of relationships all the time... if its too hard, he walks away. it's all about him and no one else. if he doesn't want to do it, he won't.

    my hubby and i are hard workers. we try and explain that he needs to work hard to get a good job to provide for his future and family etc... we say it, we do it, but he sees his dad doing the complete opposite and that's the path that he's taking.... each year, i've seen his dad come out in him more and more, and yet he's only with him every 2nd weekend... i can't stand his dad, and to know that he's growing up the same way scares me!!!

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    I think this age they really want a say in what they have to do etc. So getting them to come up with a list of chores, or rewards and consequences for good behaviour- that way when they misbehave and they are getting consequences- they cant say it isnt fair as they implemented that consequence.

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    I think you need to accept it as a normal stage and not put the blame on his bio dad.

    Most kids want to be able to not do work and still get all the stuff they want lol It is very normal and a great learning moment.

    I would approach it very simply...he does the chores and gets paid...or doesn't do them, and only gets the very basics at home (ie 3 meals, plain snacks, bedding and school supplies).

    I sometimes get a very similar attitude from my 8 year old...and his bio dad, step dad, and I are all very hard workers.

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    I think you should be really careful comparing your son negatively this way. Seeing negative aspects about a man you don't like in your child instead of the positive ones can add to any tension he may be feeling anyway. Children at this age are moody and have a whatever attitude. That needs to be accepted as normal, while being highly irritating. My DD is a right royal little moody princess/witch at times and both of her parents and grandparents are hardworkers, no slackers here, yet still she is wearing her pyjamas!
    They are also very clued in to atmospheres that surround them. If you see the bio Dad as that way, a man you state you dislike immensely, those same behaviours should not be pointed out to your son, or around him or about him. For your sake, and your son's try to see something in him, that is like his bio dad that you DO like. Stay positive because it only becomes more of a rollercoaster from here for the next few years, I don't know about you but I've already had it with the teen in a tween attitude and am scared witless by the thought that she is ONLY 11!!!!!



 

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