Ally, I could have wrote your post. All your thoughts have been my thoughts and sometimes still are. I promise you it slowly gets easier. Your love for Angus is always there, always just as strong, but the pain and fear of the pain---you slowly learn how to cope with it and not let it consume you. I'll PM you today ok. Be kind to yourself and do whatever you need to to help yourself feel better. Don't worry about what others think. I bought tiny little red shoes the other day because I just needed them. I told a friend it was because they were neutral and they were super cute and I could use them if/when we have another baby. But really I was buying them for Clem. I should be buying things for her right now because she should almost be here. It made me smile buying those little shoes. Do whatever you need to do to help keep your heart calm.