+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 26
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    1,935
    Thanks
    393
    Thanked
    1,325
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default Do you think this is unfair? *long*

    I need some additional opinions here.

    I just had my 5th baby a week ago. So in addition to a 14 year old I have 4 under 5.

    Dh and I also work full time our business from home. Our 4, 3 and 2 year olds go to daycare 4 - 5 days.

    Anyway due to all this being very hectic I wanted to get an au pair to give some live in help. Dh then had the idea or getting his brother over from Fiji to help instead.

    I was against this as he is an unknown without quals etc
    And I didn't feel i would be comfortable asking him to do things.

    So my preference was very much to get someone here already who had experience etc (and female). However due to never making up our minds basically we ended up getting his brother - we paid and organised for his visa and plane fares so out about a grand immediately.

    I have never net the brother before and dh has met him twice though his sister knows him better (different mothers)

    So he gets here a week ago and it's all very uncertain as clearly dh has not explained to him what he should be doing . Basically he has been doing a couple hours cleaning a day and a small amount of helping dh with the kids. I ended up with an emergency c- section and dh has a bad knee and not in the best health currently so has been struggling.

    As far as I am concerned I think this is not working and we should get a professional as I just want to be sure the kids are looked after properly. I would like to take them out of daycare one more day a week and stagger the care that day with the nanny (I have to work too) and can't see it happening on this scenario.

    Yesterday he asked if it was ok for him to go to a cousins and dh said yes. He said he wod be back this mornings but still hasn't returned.

    This has been tough for dh as he is so tired he is falling asleep where he sits which isn't safe when in charge of children and I am obviously breastfeeding a newborn, a week out from c sec and tired myself.

    I don't know whether we owe it to the brother to press on go the to make it work or whether its best to cut losses and interview and take on someone new, which will be awkward as we will need his room

    Please advise!!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    5,276
    Thanks
    3,697
    Thanked
    3,090
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    I understand things can get very difficult where family is concerned, but I would say to cut your losses and take on someone new.

    From the sounds of things, that's what you wanted all along. You've given this scenario a shot, and it's not working out for you. With 5 kids, your own home business, and recovering from surgery, I think your first priority should be yourselves - and whatever makes life easier for you.

    I understand that you may feel some responsibility toward the brother, but the impression I get is that you need some immediate assistance and respite - and you're not going to get that unless you can hand over to someone qualified who you trust and feel comfortable with.

    Do what works for you here. It's a bit like the analogy they give on aeroplanes: you have to put your own oxygen mask on before you can help other people.

    Hope that makes sense, and that you can get some help soon.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    1,935
    Thanks
    393
    Thanked
    1,325
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default Do you think this is unfair? *long*

    Thanks girl x ... I feel like a b1tch but I need things running smoothly .

    It's hard as I don't feel we can just pack him off back to Fiji

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    6,311
    Thanks
    2,387
    Thanked
    4,599
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts

    Default Do you think this is unfair? *long*

    Quote Originally Posted by Girl X View Post
    I understand things can get very difficult where family is concerned, but I would say to cut your losses and take on someone new.

    From the sounds of things, that's what you wanted all along. You've given this scenario a shot, and it's not working out for you. With 5 kids, your own home business, and recovering from surgery, I think your first priority should be yourselves - and whatever makes life easier for you.

    I understand that you may feel some responsibility toward the brother, but the impression I get is that you need some immediate assistance and respite - and you're not going to get that unless you can hand over to someone qualified who you trust and feel comfortable with.

    Do what works for you here. It's a bit like the analogy they give on aeroplanes: you have to put your own oxygen mask on before you can help other people.

    Hope that makes sense, and that you can get some help soon.
    I agree with this.

    If you do feel guilty about your BIL then perhaps get your hubby to give him a very clear outline of what you expected from him - if he isn't up for that them cut your losses and find someone who can help you the way you need.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    5,276
    Thanks
    3,697
    Thanked
    3,090
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    You're not being a b1tch at all. I think you've gone above and beyond in trying to give his brother a shot, when you've just had a baby and have lots of things to juggle!

    You've paid for his flights, so it doesn't sound as if he would be out of pocket.

    If ever there's a time to look after yourselves and what makes you feel comfortable (and helps you survive) then it's right now! You're sounding like super woman to me.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    1,496
    Thanks
    28
    Thanked
    94
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default Do you think this is unfair? *long*

    Could he stay with other relatives if u put him off and hire someone new? Maybe say while ur out here have a bit of a holiday sorry it didn't work out, how about u stay with .....?

  7. #7
    SpecialPatrolGroup's Avatar
    SpecialPatrolGroup is offline T-rex is cranky until she gets her coffee.
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    In the messy house, Brisbane
    Posts
    9,481
    Thanks
    2,180
    Thanked
    5,405
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    I agree with Girl x. Would he want to stay and make a new life here? Can your Dh give him so support in finding work and a place to live.

    I would talk to your BIL - he may be feeling it is not working for him too?

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    1,935
    Thanks
    393
    Thanked
    1,325
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default Do you think this is unfair? *long*

    Yes I told dh perhaps explain to him we really need a nanny and he can stay on the couch in the office if necessary or hopefully with someone else but I guess I feel we need to take some responsibility for the situation as expectations weren't made clear. (We are giving him an allowance too and obviously room and board )

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    10,618
    Thanks
    905
    Thanked
    1,482
    Reviews
    19
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    It is really tricky but I think you really need to cut him off and get a professional. Perhaps if your DH sits down with him and tells him it isn't working, thank you for coming and so sorry to have put you out but we really need someone more experienced etc. He might be feeling overwhelmed with the tasks, hence disappearing for a while, and could feel quietly relieved to be going back to Fiji.
    It obviously won't be easy but sounds like things can't go on as they are.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    1,935
    Thanks
    393
    Thanked
    1,325
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default Do you think this is unfair? *long*

    He wouldn't be able to stay here as aus is very hard on Fijian visitors - I had to provide my bank balances, marriage certificate and all sorts of things just to get him a visitor visa


 

Similar Threads

  1. *spin off* How long were before engagement and then how long until marriage?
    By KillerHeels in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
    Replies: 157
    Last Post: 02-06-2013, 23:45
  2. Am I being unfair?
    By babyla in forum Issues with Family Members
    Replies: 25
    Last Post: 08-11-2012, 11:59
  3. Fair Or Unfair?
    By London in forum General Chat
    Replies: 74
    Last Post: 15-08-2012, 00:14

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Einsteinz Music
Make music at Einsteinz Music in age-appropriate class in Sydney's Inner West, Eastern Suburbs or North Shore. For ages 6 mths - 4 yrs. All music is live! Christmas Gift certificates available for full term or casual classes. Call 0431 338 143
sales & new stuffsee all
True Fairies
True Fairies is the first interactive website where children can engage and speak with a real fairy through the unique webcam fairy portal. Each session is tailored to the child, and is filled with enchantment and magic.
Visit website to find out more!
featured supporter
Heinz Baby Basics
Our BPA Free range offers you a choice for every stage of your baby’s feeding development. You’ll love our brilliant colours, inspired designs and innovative features. Heinz Baby Basics caters for your baby’s needs!
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!