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  1. #21
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    Default 2year old and father

    The fact that the wife is threatening legal action already and that they're trying to move on this so quickly bothers me. Why now, after 2.5 years, is it so important that DD spend so much time with them? In my opinion they should be letting you go at a pace you feel you and DD would be comfortable with. DD is the most important person in all this, and as her father he should realise things need to be what's best for her.

    Go at your pace, enlist what help you need and best of luck! 😃

  2. #22
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    Default 2year old and father

    Quote Originally Posted by LauraH80 View Post
    The fact that the wife is threatening legal action already and that they're trying to move on this so quickly bothers me. Why now, after 2.5 years, is it so important that DD spend so much time with them? In my opinion they should be letting you go at a pace you feel you and DD would be comfortable with. DD is the most important person in all this, and as her father he should realise things need to be what's best for her.

    Go at your pace, enlist what help you need and best of luck! 😃
    This ^^

  3. #23
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    Default 2year old and father

    Quote Originally Posted by laurah80 View Post
    the fact that the wife is threatening legal action already and that they're trying to move on this so quickly bothers me. Why now, after 2.5 years, is it so important that dd spend so much time with them? In my opinion they should be letting you go at a pace you feel you and dd would be comfortable with. Dd is the most important person in all this, and as her father he should realise things need to be what's best for her.

    Go at your pace, enlist what help you need and best of luck! 😃
    this!

  4. #24
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    Default 2year old and father

    I understand you want to ease your child into visitation slowly so as to not cause any stress. You are right to try and work out a plan.

    I dont think its fair though, to wait until your child is 4 before there are overnight visits. That's too long and surely if there is proper integration a child should be able to cope with one night a time at least. Waiting until your child is 4 will alienate her further from her father.

    I don't think you can express concern about bio dad wanting to introduce your child to his big family and your child won't be ready. Children deal with playgroups, daycare, shopping malls... I think this is a bit of a flimsy excuse. Surely bio dad and his wife will notice if your child is upset and act accordingly.

    I also think its unreasonable to demand the bio dad travel to you each time because you have a small child. You both slept with someone you weren't prepared to raise a family with So you should both wear the consequences of that 50-50. Half the time he travels to you, and half the time you travel to him. Both of you will be inconvenienced because it is such a long way but I sort of think that is tough: you are both the parents and need to move heaven and earth to ensure your child has the best possible relationship with the other parent.

    As I mentioned before you are right to introduce your child slowly to access in order to minimise stress. Good luck working out a plan.

  5. #25
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    She can't just threaten legal action. It is a process that has to start with mediation in any case. The legal action is between you and the child's father, she would not be party to the proceedings in any case. She could submit an affidavit in support of her husband but she is still not part of the legal proceedings (hope that makes sense).

    I would go with your solicitors advice seems reasonable given your DD has not known her father long. Living 12 hours away is so different within the legal system than living close. My ex and I lived interstate from each other for 3 years. It came down to block visits and phone contact between times (my youngest was 18 months when this started).

    If his wife is threatening legal action I would not leave my child unsupervised with her father and wife until there were consent orders in place or at least interim orders. To do this you and the father would need to go to mediation and try and come to an agreement. You can then get this agreement turned into consent orders and therefore enforceable by the courts.

    In the first instance I would try and keep it amicable but the step mother has taken it past that in my view. Of course it is better to keep lawyers etc out of it, but sometimes it is the only way.

    Good luck

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  7. #26
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    Default 2year old and father

    Instead of going the legal hard nose route how about just talking to them?

    If the wife is encouraging legal action then chances are its only because they fear you are being obstructionist and will get in the way of a relationship with your/his child. Perhaps if you explain that you want your child to have a relationship with them and overnight visits... It's just that you want to work up to it so your child doesn't get stressed they might calm down.

    So as to make it crystal clear you are not being obstructionist you could say "how about we go to a child psychologist and let them come up with a plan for access/overnight visits. Let's go with what they say not what we want.". Then it's not about you controlling things or bio dad trying to rush things too quickly. It's about your child.

    Sorry I just think that removing the personal grudges and making it purely about an independent/unbiased view of what is best for your child will calm things down. If you go the huff and puff approach that will only aggregate things worse than what they are.

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  9. #27
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    Default 2year old and father

    The bio dads wife can carry on all she wants but she will not be able to participate in mediation which is 100% the very first step.

    If they want to get started involving lawyers let them as it will be costing them $$ & not you.

    Without making this a rant about CS is that an underlying reason why he now wants access??

    I don't know how you solve this problem but it seems very wrong to me that after 2? Yrs of being only in your care your DD is now to be expected to drive 12 hrs to see people she does not know???

    And that's coming from ME & I'm BIG on equal rights for BOTH parents

  10. #28
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    Default 2year old and father

    The courts will see it as you both slept with someone you weren't willing to raise a family with knowing the possible outcomes regardless of if it was a one night stand from alcohol. So then you are both responsible equally to making sure your DD has a relationship with the other parent.

    The court will look unfavorably if you don't try to go out of your way to make that happen regardless if he hasn't had anything to do with her previously he does now and that's what is important. A child over the age of 2 is allowed to spend overnight visits without the other parent present.

    My dad (a family court solicitor) says there is always 3 sides to every story how he sees it, how you see it and the facts. So maybe they are seeing it as you being obstructive and you're seeing them as threatening legal action when it could be trying to get it all sorted properly through a neutral party legally.

    I would suggest contacting legal aid and organizing a mediation through them to getting parental orders in place.

  11. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Instead of going the legal hard nose route how about just talking to them?

    If the wife is encouraging legal action then chances are its only because they fear you are being obstructionist and will get in the way of a relationship with your/his child. Perhaps if you explain that you want your child to have a relationship with them and overnight visits... It's just that you want to work up to it so your child doesn't get stressed they might calm down.

    So as to make it crystal clear you are not being obstructionist you could say "how about we go to a child psychologist and let them come up with a plan for access/overnight visits. Let's go with what they say not what we want.". Then it's not about you controlling things or bio dad trying to rush things too quickly. It's about your child.

    Sorry I just think that removing the personal grudges and making it purely about an independent/unbiased view of what is best for your child will calm things down. If you go the huff and puff approach that will only aggregate things worse than what they are.
    I actually agree with this (and your above post).

    I am in a similar situation in that my DD is the result of a brief 'fling' with her dad. I had known him nearly 10 years but we cooled it off before I even got the BFP. Thankfully he has been involved from the start and she started staying overnight every fortnight from 13 months.

    I can relate to the feelings of feeling worried about handing your child over. FOB met a new woman while I was pregnant, and I had to overcome a lot of negative feelings during that time. I could easily have been a b!tch about it, but I decided that it was in the best interests of my baby to suck it up and play nice. FOB has since married that woman, and we are all great friends still. DD is loved by her whole extended family, and life really is so much easier being nice.

    It sounds to me like he just wants to be involved, and I can't really see a good reason why you wouldn't just try to be nice. Don't you think it would be easier and less stressful for your child if you all tried to get along? Why does it have to go to court??

  12. #30
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    Default Re: 2year old and father

    Thanks for all the advice.

    I haven't threatened anything and they have never paid any child support at all and I have never asked as my husband took dd on as his own from 12 weeks pregnant and now they have come back on the scene without any warning and there first email to me was that they "didnt want to take her away from me, cause any upset or negatovity in her life".

    Yes I am in some ways being an overprotective mother but dd is a very sensitive child and gets upset very easily. It worries me that after meeting them 4 times she is wetting the bed and being more clingy than usual which is why I want to take things slowly for her. Its going to be confusing enough with having 2 dads in her life.

    I wanted to use the solicitors views as a starting point and work it out from there as I dont want to be coming across as unreasonable but as proved I don't know him, his partner or how they bring up there children (although I know from a few things they have said it is very different from me)

    Also about her being introduced to his family, I do think I have reason to worry o think its to soon nd shouldn't be done straight away until she knows him better as they are all strangers to her.

    I don't know what to expect from this but hoping eventually everything will settle down. I am her mother and know her but that doesn't mean that I am trying to keep her from him.

    I have contacted a child psychologist and also counsellors and am going to see what they say as well but since they threatened me I am trying to keep it civil but also am being more cautious

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