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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mum2twoEs View Post
    Hey all

    Am needing some advice, information and just help in general.

    DD1 biological father has just decided after 2 and a half years he now wants to be involved in DD1 life. He is now married and has 2 other kids so he has realised what he has missed out on.

    I guess I'm still in shock about it as we don't know each other (was a drunken 1nighter) and even though we have met up a few times now I'm wondering if anyone else has been in the same situation.

    Me and his wife get on well, but part of me wonders if she is just being fake.

    They aren't pressuring me (yet) but have mentioned a few times about leaving her with them for an hour or two but tbh I don't feel comfortable yet. Iv pretty much been a single mum and I don't leave her with anyone apart from my mum.
    How long until I leave her? Will I ever feel comfortable about it? Does it matter if I don't know him to much as long as DD1 is treated right?
    They have invited me to stay at there's to meet the people she will and for her to know the house for when she goes alone should I go or is it weird meeting his family? I just want to do what's best for her and I'm worried about losing her or her gettin treated differently to the other kids.

    Sorry for all the questions I'm just so confused and scared about having to share her I guess and any help would be appreciated
    So, leaving out that he kind of vanished for 2.5 years(Which is pretty crap, imo, but something that can't be changed no matter what happens), I'll give advice. Though I know I'mma be shot for it.

    I don't understand why there would be nastiness from you or him? They seem like they have their heads screwed on right, for the most part. The "Leaving her alone for an hour or two" is a bit of an overstep, but could just be because they don't understand how it would affect your DD and not as a "trying to steal her" kind of way, iykwim??

    I think the best thing you can do atm is have an open and honest conversation with them both. Explain that you're happy to have meet ups with them for a few months and your DD, let her get used to them, and see how things go but before she stays over-night at their place that you'd like court orders or whatever in place, just so everything's upfront and clear and there's no confusion from anyone. Not that you don't trust them or anything, but simply so that it's all out, no problems or anything.

    I think it's actually very reasonable to request(not to EXPECT, but to request and suggest) that you stay at their place with her, before she starts overnights alone. It shows that they are thinking about your DD, her comfort and well being and they understand how difficult the transition would be.

    Honestly, as hard as it is, take a step back from the situation and look at it from all sides. Don't be defensive with how you feel about things, but try it with an open mind. You might find you can make decisions easier, and you won't be as paranoid.

  2. #12
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    I agree with Jennaisme. It will be good for your DD to get to know her father and siblings. I know he was absent for the past 2 and a half years and that sucks and I do believe he needs to be the one to make all the effort at the beginning just to show he's serious about having her in his life as you don't want this thing to happen for him just to walk away and leave your DD heartbroken.

    I wouldn't be leaving her alone with him until she knows him well and sees him constantly. I think after she knows him and has spent time with him in her environment it would be a good idea to spend time with his family.. you included at the beginning so that you can see how it works, etc.

    Also agree about the court orders. That way there's no confusion or anything like that.

    hope everything works out.

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackEyedPea View Post
    I am a single parent with a 2 year- old (was in a long-term relationship with his dad and he sees his dad).

    I think you need to drive this car without question - ie. you decide when and where he sees your daughter, and absolutely you should be present during the visits. Start off with just him, visiting at your place or a publicly agreed place/park for an hour here and there. This is a slow process and he has been absent for her entire life so far so you are in control of this no question!

    He shouldn't expect you to come over there, on their turf, with them all there straight away. This is unfair on you and will be confusing for your little girl. Like I said, alone at first so that he can get to know her gradually, at times that suit you. There will prob be times when it's tough emotionally on all of you so explain to him you need flexibility, time and space when needed.

    Its good for your DD he wants to be involved, although it's unfortunate he abandoned her in the beginning - he needs to make up for that, on your terms. If he's decent he will completely understand.

    Good luck with it all x
    I agree with this. Start off with him visiting and they can get to know each other. Did he move away from you and her? It makes in incredibly difficult with him being 12 hours away. I don't even see how every second weekend access could possibly work with such a huge drive between you.

    I'm not with DD's dad (though I've known him 10+ years) and it's bad enough with him living one hour away. FOB has been a part of DD's life from birth and at 15 months she now happily stays overnight at his place one night a fortnight (he remarried, too, and I get along really well with his DW).

    I'm all for children having a relationship with both parents, but I think your DD's father needs to be realistic given that he lives so far away. It really limits how often they can see each other.

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  5. #14
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    Default 2year old and father

    I'm a single mum, and if I were in your situation, I'd probably take up the offer of staying there. It sounds like he may have grown up and realised what he has missed out on. His wife may actually like you, if she doesn't perhaps she is being polite in the hopes of being able to get to know your daughter.

    I would try even meeting up a few times for a few hours (picnic or BBQ lunch or play centre or something). You'll probably get a reliable gut feeling. Don't let your hesitation stop your baby glad from getting to know her dad. It's wonderful if he wants to know her.

  6. #15
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    Default 2year old and father

    Don't go the aggro "why now" "go see a solicitor" "wah wah wah" approach if you can avoid it.

    It sounds like they outreaching to you which is a good thing. If you can have a cordial relationship with the bio dad it will benefit your child.

    If you don't know him well enough yet then visit them or have him visit you (staying in a hotel).

    Regarding the 12 hour bit be flexible with solutions. Your child has a right to know her bio dad.

    Even though the dad has been absent for a couple of years it's awesome he wants to be involved now. Your child will benefit having a father that wants to be involved.

    It's your job to be inconvenienced, to go out of your way to ensure your child has a relationship with their bio parent.

    Good luck.

  7. #16
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    Default 2year old and father

    I agree with what everyone else is saying, my dd1 hasn't had any contact with her "father" for 3 years now, she was 4 in October and in her first year he probably spent maybe 6 months all up with her. DP is her daddy and that's exactly how he treats her, she knows no difference. What everyone has said is very reassuring for me if the sperm donor decides he wants back into her life!!

    Oh and he lives about 10 minutes away from me last I heard!!

  8. #17
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    Default 2year old and father

    I think it's great he wants to be involved again. But I think you should be there until dd is comfortable around them. If you are willing to let dd go there (not sure I would to begin with) then I think you should go there to see where they live and who will be there, I'd do that a few times as the first few are likely to be fake.

    Even though he hasn't been around for 2.5 years he has a right to be around now. You really don't want to go through the courts if you can sort it out on your own.

  9. #18
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    Default 2year old and father

    I agree with pps. You need to sit down with him and his wife and discuss visitation. Then set up a parenting agreement, signed and witnessed by a JP. If you need to go further legally, this will help when you go to mediation and/or court.
    Definitely need to start off with the Dad coming to spend at least an hour with your DD in her own environment or at neutral place ie McDonalds or a park for a few months. You can increase the time if you feel your DD is ok with it all. After a month or two you could organise that the Dad and his family spend a few hours with you and your DD. Then make it all day visit. This may mean they come to you or you go to them. Might be you alternate so fair on everyone.
    If you feel comfy then, you can start over night stays with you and your DD at their place. But maybe make it that you leave them with your DD for the day part and you come back at dinner time. That way when your DD goes to sleep she feels secure you're there as well.
    I think in your discussion with the Dad you need to discuss maintenance as well especially when do up the parenting agreement.

    Good luck and I hope it all stays civil for your DD's sake.

  10. #19
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    Default Re: 2year old and father

    Hey all
    Thanks for the replies. Things turned nasty yesterday after I asked him to slow down a bit as my dd is getting a bit overwhelmed.
    We are going to try and do a parent plan but need ideas of what is a reasonable time to start with? He does live over 12 hours away and I'm not sure how often he will be able to visit but I know he wants to move quicker than I think is good for dd. (eg wants to take her for a week in a few months, wants to introduce her to all his family in the next few months)
    Things like this worry me, as she has only really known me and my mum so isn't used to big groups (his family is big) and as he is a stranger to me I guess I am worried. His wife is threatening legal action for no reason and has already said dd will be fine to be left with them already after only 4visits.
    The visits they have had so far have been approx 4-5 hours in a park playing.

    I am wondering what is reasonable? Anyone know what courts would recommend?
    I'm trying to not be selfish as much as this is killing me as she is so unsettled and he just seems to want to rush and doesn't seem to be caring about her feelings. I have spoken to a solicitor and she recommended the following _

    6 months at a few hrs over 2 days supervised
    6 months at a few hours half supervised half not
    He only come to me as I have another small child and she shouldn't be taken out of her environment either
    No overnight stays until she is at least 4

    I am just wondering if this sounds ok or to harsh as I am worried about my dd but also want to give father a chance as well although I am glad about the no overnight

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  11. #20
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    Default 2year old and father

    Let her threaten; it would be a good wake up call for her to be told they're out of line by a court.

    Honestly? Go at your pace, you are not being harsh, you are accommodating them without compromising your intuition when it comes to your daughter. You know her, they don't, and by the sounds of things you don't know him from a bar of soap. Seek your own legal counsel, or talk to a children's psychologist about what they'd recommend for contact at her age and as she and her relationship with them grows

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