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  1. #1
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    Default 2year old and father

    Hey all

    Am needing some advice, information and just help in general.

    DD1 biological father has just decided after 2 and a half years he now wants to be involved in DD1 life. He is now married and has 2 other kids so he has realised what he has missed out on.

    I guess I'm still in shock about it as we don't know each other (was a drunken 1nighter) and even though we have met up a few times now I'm wondering if anyone else has been in the same situation.

    Me and his wife get on well, but part of me wonders if she is just being fake.

    They aren't pressuring me (yet) but have mentioned a few times about leaving her with them for an hour or two but tbh I don't feel comfortable yet. Iv pretty much been a single mum and I don't leave her with anyone apart from my mum.
    How long until I leave her? Will I ever feel comfortable about it? Does it matter if I don't know him to much as long as DD1 is treated right?
    They have invited me to stay at there's to meet the people she will and for her to know the house for when she goes alone should I go or is it weird meeting his family? I just want to do what's best for her and I'm worried about losing her or her gettin treated differently to the other kids.

    Sorry for all the questions I'm just so confused and scared about having to share her I guess and any help would be appreciated

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    Default 2year old and father

    Sorry not a single parent, but have a close friend in a similar position. I would definitely be making sure YOU and your child feel comfortable with him and his family before leaving her unsupervised. You don't know them, you have no idea how they will treat her, what their parenting style is, you are effectively leaving her in a strange environment with strangers. I would suggest he takes the time to get to know her first in her environment, that he spends a few months visiting in your home, supervised by you, then maybe you visit with her a few times before even considering leaving her. I would so get some legal visitation agreements drawn up too. Goodluck!

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  4. #3
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    Default Re: 2year old and father

    Anyone else/

    What if the dad lives 12 hrs away any ideas then?

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    Default 2year old and father

    So your daughter is 2.5 yrs old? No way would she be mentally or emotionally mature enough to be away from you. You need to see a family law solicitor and discuss with them what your responsibilities are in regards to her birth father, especially as he lives so far away. He and his wife can't make you do anything without a court order. Just say no, not until we have both gotten legal advice

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    Default Re: 2year old and father

    I have let him meet up once but I was there and just to talj with him and see what he wanted and he does want her in his life which scares me as I was hoping this day wouldn't come.

    I don't want things to get nasty between us as scared he could get 50/50 custody which I don't want but I know he has rights which sucks lol

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    Default 2year old and father

    I'm not a single parent either but I agree with pp. he made the choice to not be in your life for the past two years, why should you make the effort to drive 12 hours to see him when he hasn't made the effort to see his daughter grow up. It is great that he wants to get to know her, and I think that if your daughter wants to get to know him then she had every right to get to know her father. However, dropping her off at a strange house with people she doesn't know would be quite intimidating. As pp said I think he should visit her at your house in her own environment first to get to know her, then once she feels comfortable maybe she could go round to his house, and you could go get a coffee nearby. I think you will be the best judge of what sort of people they are, and from your post it sounds like they are not being too pushy or demanding, so hopefully if you take it slow and get to know them first things will work out ok. Good luck

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    Default 2year old and father

    I would be very hesitant. If if two years time fob of my kid wants to start getting to know it Id honestly tell him to shove off. However in your case I agree with your first commenter that he should come to you until your DD is comfortable enough with him and knows him, and then you can start working on taking her to him and you staying until she's comfortable there. Get legal visitation orders drawn up so he can't pull any funny stuff.

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    Default 2year old and father

    If this gets to court, the first question the fob is going to be asked is 'why now?'
    Men don't get off lightly for ignoring their children for 2 years. I saw a lawyer about my ex recently and when I said he has had minimal communication and one short visit in an 18 month period (he's out of the state but he has a phone) my lawyer laughed. Said he would be dragged over the hot coals for that. I don't think a court would force you to do shared custody at this time in your life, and your ex would have to log a lot of visiting hours and phone calls and Skype before he'd be taken seriously

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    Default Re: 2year old and father

    Quote Originally Posted by Mum2twoEs View Post
    I have let him meet up once but I was there and just to talj with him and see what he wanted and he does want her in his life which scares me as I was hoping this day wouldn't come.

    I don't want things to get nasty between us as scared he could get 50/50 custody which I don't want but I know he has rights which sucks lol

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    In my opinion and I haven't been in this situation but, the judge would be very unlikely to grant 50/50 when he hasn't been around for 2 yrs or so. They would not or should not put a child in a situation where the child doesn't know these people and make her stay with them half the time. I agree with pp, make him come to an environment she feels comfortable in to get tobknow him. It may take a little while for her to understand/feel comfortable with the situation and HE needs to understand/respect that it will take time. I've been told children can read people really well so watch how she reacts when he/they are with her. But no way should she be going to their place unsupervised. I'd have a lawyer ready incase he does want to turn nasty. He will get visitation and the lawyers will find a solution that will meet everyone's needs but mostly the child's needs.
    Good luck op I hope the outcome is a good one

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    I am a single parent with a 2 year- old (was in a long-term relationship with his dad and he sees his dad).

    I think you need to drive this car without question - ie. you decide when and where he sees your daughter, and absolutely you should be present during the visits. Start off with just him, visiting at your place or a publicly agreed place/park for an hour here and there. This is a slow process and he has been absent for her entire life so far so you are in control of this no question!

    He shouldn't expect you to come over there, on their turf, with them all there straight away. This is unfair on you and will be confusing for your little girl. Like I said, alone at first so that he can get to know her gradually, at times that suit you. There will prob be times when it's tough emotionally on all of you so explain to him you need flexibility, time and space when needed.

    Its good for your DD he wants to be involved, although it's unfortunate he abandoned her in the beginning - he needs to make up for that, on your terms. If he's decent he will completely understand.

    Good luck with it all x

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