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  1. #1
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    Default Help regarding previous wife..

    Not sure if this is the right section...

    I am an old hubber undercover..

    My husband was married before me and we met 6 months after they had separated, we moved in together 2 months after we had met (big move across the country) and married three years later. There was a time while we were living together that I had found he was talking to her and lied to me about it, he also was talking to her throughout our argument about this and she asked him if she wanted to keep some money aside for him etc. As we were relevantly new into our relationship and she was his wife (although separated) I understood if he wanted to go back to her as they have two children together.

    I told him this, I also told him I am happy to leave and let him and her reconcile etc but he refused and apologized for not being honest and fast forward 6 years to a few months ago. We now are married and have a beautiful son and a baby on the way. We see his kids once a year (due to distance and Defence deployments) and have had our fair share of ups and downs regarding access and things (another thread)

    Just recently his ex has been causing quite some problems all of a sudden when he was on a training exercise for a month closer to her. (I am at this stage newly pregnant)
    Telling DH she still loves him.
    telling DH that when she talks to him the kids tell her they want them back together (completely natural for kids)
    Asking if him and I were separated.
    Offering him a flight to stay with her and the kids as a family and like old times.
    Telling him she wants to try again and is so sorry for hurting him while married.
    Asking him if he ever wanted a divorce and ever loved her.
    Asking if he enjoys s3x with me asking who was better and telling him the kids miss their dad etc.

    Just a few... He answered as honestly as he could and telling her what is her business and what isnt. I understand she was searching for closure but I feel weird about it all. Just recently after telling his kids that we are expecting another baby-- she sends him a text asking "who is the father?"

    Any advise what to do? I guess nothing as it is really his place to deal with this and I know I shouldn't let her get to me. I married him knowing he had been married before and I love his kids but sometimes I wish I didn't have this extra drama to deal with.

    Just after experience from anyone (1st & 2nd partners) on what to do?
    Thank you.

  2. #2
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    Firstly for being in that situation in the first place. I had a somewhat similar situation except my DH left his ex wife to be with me so I can understand how hard it can be especially when the ex wants to get back together.

    All I can suggest is to keep the lines of communication open with your DH. Tell him how you're feeling. I told my DH that I was feeling insecure about his ex-wife and he made every effort to reassure me that there was absolutely nothing to worry about. He had no interest in getting back with her and at the end of the day you have to remember that your DH left her for a reason. I highly doubt that 6 years later he would be going back to her.

    I don't know what else I can suggest really .. I guess you just have to remember that he is with you now

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    Nomorelies  (27-12-2012)

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    Default Help regarding previous wife..

    This isn't normal. Many years have passed, your DH has remarried and moved on. She has no right to try to get him back now. She should not be asking these questions or trying to destroy your marriage. My DHs exW asked him to get back with her three months after we started dating, after almost a year of separation. I told him I wasn't going to compete with the mother of his kids. He told me there was no need to as he'd told her in no uncertain terms there was zero hope. She did try one more time, after we'd moved in together. She was told to get stuffed!
    Basically the issue is not your DHs, it's his exW with the problem. He needs to tell her firmly what the boundaries are. She is behaving appallingly.
    All the best.

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    Ellymoe  (28-12-2012),Lovemyfam  (28-12-2012),Nomorelies  (27-12-2012)

  6. #4
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    Thank you! It is nice to know I am not the only one thinking this is not on!

    I feel DH could be standing up to her more and perhaps feeling a little flattered?

    Worse thing is there has been a few trust issues and feel he isn't telling me everything... Communication should be kept open and honest but him working away this is so hard to do?!

    She constantly bags me to DH (I have been nothing BUT nice to her) tells him the kids don't like me (which we know isn't true) and basically I am about to lose it! Now with all this on top of that I really want to say something to her but am holding back because I am the bigger person...

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    Default Help regarding previous wife..

    This situation seems odd to me, not usual for 6 yrs down the track.

    This is **** that goes on when you first get together NOT 6 yrs later

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    Nomorelies  (27-12-2012)

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    Default Re: Help regarding previous wife..

    How do you know all of this? Does your dh tell you? Or do you read txt/emails?
    I'd be soo ****ed at this *****!
    I was in a similar situation. Except no kids or marriage was involved. Just my ex bf was still talking to his ex and that's what ruined our relationship and I've still to this day have trouble trusting people.
    Wish ex's would just bloody move on!!!

    Sent from my GT-I9300T using BubHub

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    Nomorelies  (27-12-2012)

  11. #7
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    [QUOTE=Alicia92;6978146]How do you know all of this? Does your dh tell you? Or do you read txt/emails?
    I'd be soo ****ed at this *****!


    DH told me most of it, some I found on an email to which he confirmed.

    I am not comfortable with the secrets .. Makes me think there is more than what I know about--- he says there isn't and he is no way going back there which I believe but conversation wise I don't think I know everything. I do have the right to know don't I? Or being a little over the top with that request?

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    Default Help regarding previous wife..

    [QUOTE=Nomorelies;6978180]
    Quote Originally Posted by Alicia92 View Post
    How do you know all of this? Does your dh tell you? Or do you read txt/emails?
    I'd be soo ****ed at this *****!


    DH told me most of it, some I found on an email to which he confirmed.

    I am not comfortable with the secrets .. Makes me think there is more than what I know about--- he says there isn't and he is no way going back there which I believe but conversation wise I don't think I know everything. I do have the right to know don't I? Or being a little over the top with that request?
    You have a right to know everything & I would be suspicious too!!!

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    oh yeah she is way off. I would be calling her and telling her to get a f'n life and to leave my name out of her mouth but thats just me. Are the kids old enough to call him themselves? Why does she need to contact him at all unless it is for the kids to chat so easy solution dial the number put the kids on and walk away. He needs to really stand up and tell her to f off.

    My husband has an ex like this (no kids involved though so a bit different) so stupid she tried the whole I miss you bit when we first go together, then the guilt trip finally he blocked all ways for her to contact him and told her to take a leap. Her latest was writing him this sob story about her dying and having cancer and she is so glad he is happy. He didnt want to read it so asked me too and yeah basically some game she is playing. He told me to tell her to go die in a ditch but I worded it nicely as I could basically told her he didnt read it I told him what it said and he doesnt care and to leave him alone. We havent heard a word from her since.

    Some people dont get it until it is put firmly to them so she may be one that until he really gets snappy and just hangs up if she is calling and gets off the subject of the kids she may not ever stop.

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    Default Help regarding previous wife..

    First and foremost, try not to worry about your DH keeping secrets. He did tell you all of this remember, so if he still had feelings for her too, he would have kept it to himself.

    The exW is being very disrespectful, rude, manipulative, deceitful - the list goes on. She needs to be put back in her place after 6yrs and your DH should do this. If he can't/doesn't then by all means you have every right to 'defend your turf'. Do it in a calm way though, not b!tchy like she is.


 

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