I feel so awful.
About 4 days ago SIL told me she was pregnant. I was shocked, very shocked in fact! I really didn't expect this news at all, and I didn't handle it well when she told me (ran out of the room crying).
Problem is that my SIL is awesome. I love her to bits and we've gotten really close over the last few years. She knows all about our TTC troubles, 5 m/c, surrogacy rejections and the massive strain it's put on DH and I. She's been as understanding as possible about everything, and said if I need space she'll give me space - no hard feelings (see, awesome).
But I'm just not coping with it. I'm so, so sad. And I've canceled having Christmas at my house because I just can't hold myself together. I gave my family some half ar$ed excuse which I'm not entirely sure they believe, because DH didn't want me to tell them the real reason.
I'm not sure if DH has told his family not to come over yet though.
I love my in-laws, but I just don't want to see them yet. SIL is the first one in their family to be pregnant, and the only thing I can think is "It should be me." I've spent the last 3.5 years fantasizing about it (thoroughly) and I know every little knowing glance, or hushed whisper is going to break me down.... I know what it will be about. And DAMMIT, it should be me!!
I know logically that this is ridiculous, but I cannot stop feeling this way.
I really need more time to deal with this, I can't get over these feelings in 2 more days, I just can't. And I won't put myself in the position to cause a scene or ruin christmas for anyone, let alone make SIL feel like a piece of crap. But of course now I'm feeling really guilty about being absent on Christmas. I'm so full of guilt, anger, sadness, envy and I feel like I've been royally cheated... I'm pretty sure I'm about to explode!!!
DH and I have had a lot of other issues to deal with lately as well, and honestly, I just can't take any more. It's too much.
I'm not sure if I'm after advice, sympathy or just having a vent. Take your pick?