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  1. #21
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    Default Tactful ways of refusing secondhand baby equipment...

    Maybe try saying that you & DF were really looking forwards to picking things out together as part of helping him feel more involved in the pregnancy.

    Definitely do what what was suggested about arming yourself with the latest safety regulations. She (hopefully) can't argue against wanting her grandchild to be safe! If she uses the 'Well we did it & DF never had problems' line, tell her you understand but make a self depreciating comment about it being your first & doing everything by the book.

    Good luck!

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    Quote Originally Posted by quietlyhopeful View Post
    If worse comes to worse and you can no longer be tactful I think it's your partner's responsibility to be the 'bad guy' and bluntly state that you do not want it. She may get angry at him, but she'll forgive her own son more quickly I think.
    Yes definitely this.

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    Default Tactful ways of refusing secondhand baby equipment...

    Some of you obviously have good mil. If mine thinks she's right then no about of factual data is going to change her mind

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    Quote Originally Posted by quietlyhopeful View Post
    If worse comes to worse and you can no longer be tactful I think it's your partner's responsibility to be the 'bad guy' and bluntly state that you do not want it. She may get angry at him, but she'll forgive her own son more quickly I think.
    Also agree with this. Also, make sure he doesn't say "sorry, DW(you) doesn't want these things" it has to be him saying HE doesn't want them. He has his mother's unconditional love and while it might hurt them both, it will mean you won't be painted as evil/ungrateful/etc for the rest of her days.

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    Default Re: Tactful ways of refusing secondhand baby equipment...

    Quote Originally Posted by jellybeanicecream View Post
    Wow, it is hard to deal with someone when their grip on reality is so tenuous, isn't it?!

    Even with a new mattress etc, I'd be testing anything that has been painted for lead paint). Might not have been new when she got it either. You can get a testing kit at the hardware store. And of course, no way anything would comply with safety codes.

    I predict this is the first of many battles you will have with her. If not unwanted baby items, it will be unwanted advice. She's living in the past and doesn't realise this is not a chance for her to relive her glory days of mothering, but your and your DH's time to be parents.

    It doesn't sound like tactful or gentle is going to work, since she hasn't listened to your objections.

    I wonder if Kidsafe (or similar body in your state) might be prepared to check them over. You could say, "We've decided to accept your generous offer, as long as you don't mind KidSafe checking them to make sure they're safe. I'm sure you won't mind as your grand baby's safety will be important to you".

    No way it will pass and an expert might get through to her
    We've already had to say this about the car seat, since she insists she still sees cars driving around with the same kind of seats in them. I got lucky last night, a work friend have me her car seat, only two years old as her daughter grew out of it. So I can honestly say we already have one now!

    The rest, I will look at when I go tip her house at xmas. I think I may just have to accept it all and accidentally break things in transport. Just so I know they won't be used at her house.

    Thanks for all the suggestions guys. I like my mil, but have known for years that our parenting styles won't match up. This is just the first of many battles.

    Sent from my GT-I9100 using BubHub

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    Default Tactful ways of refusing secondhand baby equipment...

    I'd not mention anything to her about the stuff avoid subject as much as possible or change subject if she keeps on.say its such a lovely gesture and thought but I've actually already got stuff and that I know u mean well I just wanted to buy what I liked and if there's anything I dnt have ill just have off you . Standards are very strict now and explain the safety of the child if not in a new and approved seat etc but if she still won't take no be very firm but nice about it if it was me I'd say straight away thanks but no thanks Im really looking forward to picking out everything I need. Good luck

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    Default Tactful ways of refusing secondhand baby equipment...

    Quote Originally Posted by Stiflers Mom View Post
    "No thankyou, this is baby is mine and DP's and we are really excited about selecting the baby equipment that we want."
    This is nice and polite also it's what you want to do ! My mil is pretty similar thinks I need to get things second hand not new... We have already purchased things thankfully!

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    There's secondhand, and there's old and dirty. I am not above second hand but a mattress that mice have likely been having their babies in...no thanks. I would just say "thanks for the offer but those items no longer meet standards. I know they were great when you used them but I owe it to my baby to give him/her the benefit of years of refining the standards to where they are today".

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    Default Tactful ways of refusing secondhand baby equipment...

    Thinking about it I would avoid safety aspect as her comeback would be I've had two kids who have used this stuff and they're fine.
    Some people don't get that standard change they just see it worked for them

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    Default Tactful ways of refusing secondhand baby equipment...

    Quote Originally Posted by Plan2bamummy View Post
    Thinking about it I would avoid safety aspect as her comeback would be I've had two kids who have used this stuff and they're fine.
    Some people don't get that standard change they just see it worked for them
    This is my issue at the moment. My mum has offered me the bassinet that I had when I was a baby (just need a new mattress) I told her that we are going to test it for lead paint and she turned around and told me I am over thinking things and I was fine in the bassinet (and a few other things). She can't seem to understand that just because I was fine in it doesn't mean that I should use it. If the test shows that it had lead in the paint I am hoping that my dad will back me up in not having it.


 

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