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  1. #1
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    Default HELP!!! 4 year old refuses to go to dads

    Hi
    I'm Victoria and am a single parent to a gorgeous 4 year old Ava! Me and her dad separated before she was born but to be honest were not really together for very long! This has always been a problem as we do not see eye to eye on many things involving Ava. He drinks a lot and pretty much his first priority is himself and not Ava... Like when she is at his house they watch car racing and not Dora because he doesn't like it. Although I do not agree with certain things he does I still know he loves his daughter and I would hope never do anything to put her in harms way. Since the beginning he has always had her in his life, I have always had an open door policy for him to come and see her outside of his allocated fortnightly weekend, but he has never done this. He also gets his mum to look after her a lot when she is staying with him so be can go out with his friends. Recently Ava has outright refused to go to her dads house and begs me not to make her go! I have tried to talk to him about this but he just blames me saying that I don't want to let her see him but that's not true I always explain to her that daddy loves her and misses her lots and she just keeps saying no! I haven't made her go the last few times but I know this cannot go on forever and I fear we will end up in court un necessarily as he is hopeless at communicating with me. Sorry that this is really long but I would love it if anyone could give me any advice on whether I should force her to go or not or back up her wishes

    Thanks

    Victoria

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    Default HELP!!! 4 year old refuses to go to dads

    I'd back her up 150%! Theres a reason your little girl is refusing to go ...

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    Default HELP!!! 4 year old refuses to go to dads

    My gut tells me that too... And like I said I've tried to talk to him about it but he just blames me my only fear is that If we go to court her wishes don't matter being only 4 and he will get her more and ill HAVE to make her go

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    Default HELP!!! 4 year old refuses to go to dads

    Quote Originally Posted by FirstTimeMummy2012 View Post
    I'd back her up 150%! Theres a reason your little girl is refusing to go ...
    ^^ ditto ... Don't make her go ... she's telling you no for a reason ...

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    My DS is almost 2 and a half, his father and I separated 5 months ago. His paternal grandmother had him one day for around 3 hours...he told me beforehand that he didn't want to go and against my better judgement I let her take him anyway. I was a wreck the whole time he was with her and he was upset and clingy for days afterward. I'd never do it to him or myself again.

    Maybe take her to see a GP or child therapist? Get her talking to a neutral party who can back you up if it does get ugly.

    Sorry you're in this situation, hopefully that was a tiny bit helpful

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    HugsBunny is offline Once upon a time there was a bunny.........
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    Default HELP!!! 4 year old refuses to go to dads

    Hi Victoria,

    It's a hard position to be in. Have you tried explaining to her that daddy loves her very much and it's good for her to spend time with him?

    Unfortunately, if it goes to court it won't look very good at all if you've not been sending her along to her dads. She's a child, you're the parent. It's up to you to encourage a relationship between child and father :-/

    It's heart wrenching though. My 3yo has at times clung to me and screamed for over half an hour at changeover - there are court orders in place though so I have to hand him over :-(

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    Default HELP!!! 4 year old refuses to go to dads

    In my opinion he either talks to you about his daughter being unhappy or she doesn't go at all.

    I would seek legal advice. And keep written records of everything, even if you think it's not important it can paint a bigger picture.

  8. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to ourbradybunch For This Useful Post:

    HugsBunny  (16-12-2012),LivinOnAPrayer  (18-12-2012),MoonMoon  (16-12-2012),Stiflers Mom  (16-12-2012)

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    Default HELP!!! 4 year old refuses to go to dads

    Thanks everyone so much for your replies I know that it was a long post to read... In response I do tell her constantly that he loves her and misses her and that it's ok for her to go there if she wants to, just incase she thinks that she can't go because it will upset me etc. and I have thought about the diary thing before but have never done it I really wish i did though and am defiantly going to start... I have my own opinion as to why she doesn't want to go... We live in a big house with 4 other adults one being my mum her nanna and my brother her uncle, both of whom she has a very close bond with. As well as two older gentlemen that she also loves and family pets that she spends a lot of time with. We spend a lot of time doing things that are just for her... Going to the park, the library playing her games etc. as a lot of parents do! At her dads it's just the 2 of them in a small unit with no outside play space and they mostly do things that are his priority and not enjoyable for her. Also I am very affectionate with her and she loves that... We snuggle on the couch and watch movies lots of kisses etc. but he's not like that with her, he isn't a very affectionate person at all and I think that's why she doesn't feel like he loves her and misses her like I do. I just wish he would communicate with me and listen to me instead of blaming me all the time... I have booked an appt with a counsellor from relationships Australia to discuss moving forward and to help me with ways of dealing with him effectively. I'm also thinking now that I need to take Ava to see a child psychologist to see if she will open up a bit more about it... Does anyone have any recommendations for one in Brisbane

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    brydz is offline blessed with everyone amazing in my life
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    Quote Originally Posted by avanicolesmummy View Post
    My gut tells me that too... And like I said I've tried to talk to him about it but he just blames me my only fear is that If we go to court her wishes don't matter being only 4 and he will get her more and ill HAVE to make her go
    Unfortunately in court that could very well happen. My partners son who was 5 at the start of court proceedings refused to go on some of the first times. It was ordered that he be forced to go and this once resulted in my partner having to physically put him in the ex's car while he was hysterical. And also they don't take the word of a 5 year old seriously at all.

    Even with a referral to counselling for anxiety over it all the big decision maker ordered against the child attending counselling and said it was ridiculous that it should be needed at 5 years old. Nevermind the complete change in behaviours including lack of concentration and increasing aggression at school and home and insomnia and nightmares and episodes of incontinence the poor boy was going through. hes only 5 what would he know..

    Only now nearly 12 months since court proceedings were filed is he a able to have a voice and start seeing someone to help him work through everything, thanks to a family report who backed up the referral and the parties agreeing on consent orders rather than the almighty judge making the final orders.

    court system scares the hell out of me.

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    it is so hard when they don't want to go...I went through this with DS too.

    We decided to go and meet at the park for drop off....i made sure that I had at least an hour to spare and no plans after.

    I sat back and let ex do the playing etc. Made sure ex bought along some food for them and I stayed an watched. When DS was feeling happy and settled...i would tell him i was going to do food shopping and that he could stay with ex and he would bring him home later.

    We did this for a few fortnights so ex just had daytime visits.

    Then, once DS was feeling happy again...we met closer to ex's house and they started speaking about a sleep over....and then after a few weeks DS was keen so they did.

    After that...it was fine again.

    It took a few months to be honest. But, it was worth it in the long run. It required time and patience and to listen to DS and let him lead the way for a while. He needed to feel safe and he needed to know that ex would respect his wishes to come home if he wanted to.

    I would at least suggest a day time visit if DD refuses to go over night. Have him meet you somewhere fun and gradually sit back further and further and let him bond with her.

    If you offer this (in writing) and he refuses...then it will show him to be the one not acting in her best interests and seeking contact.

    hug


 

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