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  1. #1
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    Default Ungrateful family members?

    So, I'll admit off the bat that this is a vent.

    My mother in law is driving us nuts. My partner - usually a very calm person and able to put up with a lot - has gone off at her twice in the past few weeks and doesn't know how much more he can take. I'd love to tell her what I think, I don't mind being the bad guy, but I know it wouldn't help matters.

    So a bit of background. MIL has been through some tough things in her life - relationship breakdowns, domestic violence, being a single mother, death of a partner, becoming a single mother AGAIN when her eldest was independent, and now she's seriously ill.

    So at the moment, she's having a rough time. Even before most of this though, she was always a self-centred person. he's one of those people who feels the world owes her, and despite all the support from family and friends it's never appreciated and it's never enough.

    We're having a hard time ourselves at the moment. A very fussy new baby, lots of trouble breastfeeding, a lot of pressure on my partner due to his business, and earning very little money. Despite this, we're well aware that her situation is more serious and we're doing everything we can to help.

    She has no car on the road (long story, largely due to poor financial decisions and a refusal to sell her car because "it's been good to her"), so my partner is doing a lot of driving her around. She lives 15 minutes away, so even the simplest thing usually requires at least an hour of his time. For example, she keeps asking him to take her shopping at a place near to where we live (so a minimum 30 minutes to get her and drop her off, an unknown amount of time attempting to work at home while she shops, then another half hour to get her and take her home). She wants him to do this because it's "cheaper". WE don't even shop there, despite preferring it, because neither of us has the time at the moment to go to more than one place to get food. It ends up being just a transfer of wealth anyway... with the time and the cost of driving her around, we might as well give her the money and she could put that towards shopping locally.

    Speaking of money, she borrows money regularly. Usually small amounts like $20, which she pays back within a week. This is generally because she's spent all her money - and she buys plenty of unnecessary things - and then realises she "needs" money for something more important. She also has a debt of about $500 with us which has accumulated over the past few years.

    Now to recently... due to everything that's been happening at home, my partner has been getting an average of maybe 4 hours sleep in a 24 hour period. He usually goes to sleep sometime during the morning, and gets up late morning/early afternoon (unless he's taking his mum somewhere, in which case he gets about an hour's sleep before leaving). He literally spends ALL day working, doing things around the house/for the baby, doing things for his mum or occasionally sleeping. Out of 24 hours he MIGHT have a total of an hour where he doesn't - this is spent eating, showering and occasionally relaxing. This is 7 days a week - no break with his business. He still takes her places, we look after her 10 yo... etc etc. As much as we can manage.

    A few days ago it was his mum's birthday. As requested - he took her to an event she wanted to go to (2 days prior) as a birthday present. He also took $250 off of what she owes us (as she stresses about paying it back), and took her to the hospital for an appointment the day before her birthday so that she didn't have to take public transport. He was also going to ring her on her birthday. At 2pm on her birthday (he'd been awake for an hour), she rings him accusing him of forgetting her birthday, saying how she had to spend it all alone, how he doesn't care about her and never does anything for her. I was furious! I can't believe she doesn't realise/doesn't care how much stress she's putting on him. Even worse - what can he do about it?

    So what would you do in a similar situation? Keep helping as much as possible, despite the strain it's putting on your family and the fact that it's not appreciated? Stop helping and live with the guilt?

    On a similar note, how do YOU deal with ungrateful relatives in your life?

    (Apologies for how disjointed this is...written over a few hours in between attempting to get a hungry, gassy, spewy, VERY overtired baby to sleep)

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    Sounds like my life... MIL is horrible and after years of dramas we came at breaking point a couple of months ago, we haven't spoken to her in those months with the exception of her coming over to visit DH after he wasn't well. It's been the best 2 months ever! No drama no stress, its also made DH realize that she really mustn't care that much about DD because otherwise she would have apolagised or tried at least!
    Honestly I would cut back on the helping, its hard expeccially when there's young siblings involved (here too!) but if no one ever tells "them" that their behaviour is unacceptable then "they" never learn.

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    Default Ungrateful family members?

    I do have ungrateful family and I cut them out. We moved overseas and I'm tired of being the only one making an effort so bye bye mum and siblings. I think you just have to do what is best for you in the long run. I made my decision for my mental health and its one of the best I ever made. To be honest I don't think they even realise they've been cut out they care so little!
    Big hugs and I hope this all gets sorted xx

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    I'd cut her off for 2 weeks. I'd say to her right at the start "You don't appreciate anything we give you, or the time that we spend running around for you. So you're going to experience what it's like when we REALLY do nothing for you!" and see how long it takes her to get the hint.

    I might be a bit mean but I can't stand being used and abused and then having that person not appreciate it.

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    Default Ungrateful family members?

    It makes it hard because I get the impression that your MIL is terminally ill so cutting her out of your lives is something that if doing you full understand that while you don't have her in your lives she may pass away and that is something that you have to understand and live with....if not then just bite your tongue and live with it she won't be around for ever....

    I don't understand why in some circumstances people have in their head that thy HAVE to put up with people's **** just because they are family.. I don't and I am a happier person for doing so ...family or not don't take **** from anyone in laws or not ...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Eko View Post
    I'd cut her off for 2 weeks. I'd say to her right at the start "You don't appreciate anything we give you, or the time that we spend running around for you. So you're going to experience what it's like when we REALLY do nothing for you!" and see how long it takes her to get the hint.

    I might be a bit mean but I can't stand being used and abused and then having that person not appreciate it.
    Yeah I would say do this. Then if she still doesnt get it cut her off longer, then longer again.

    I cut people out easy though. YOUR family comes first. Meaning you, your DP and your child. She is causing problems in your house so flip her off until she realises. If not, do it for good.

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    Quote Originally Posted by missie_mack View Post
    Because most mothers love their children unconditionally... I just think family deserves more patience than one affords a stranger. Not to say you can't cut them out of your life if it is toxic...



    from a galaxy far far away...
    Seems to me this mother doesnt though. Sounds like she is taking advantage of a great son and driving him to a mental break down, along with his partner and child.

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    Default Ungrateful family members?

    I think setting some boundaries is the way to go, e.g. Tell her your partner will take her shopping once a week on a Friday. He'll be at her house to pick her up at 10am and will pick her up from the shops at 11:30am. That's the only time he'll be available to take her. She'll just have to get used to that as its her only option!

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    Default Ungrateful family members?

    Quote Originally Posted by JR03 View Post
    I think setting some boundaries is the way to go, e.g. Tell her your partner will take her shopping once a week on a Friday. He'll be at her house to pick her up at 10am and will pick her up from the shops at 11:30am. That's the only time he'll be available to take her. She'll just have to get used to that as its her only option!
    I agree with this. Setting up boundaries would be my first step. She sound like she is very unappreciative of your DP and that's not on. Boundaries might help her realise how much he really does!! Failing that I would put my foot down and say enough's enough. Your partner can't keep functioning like this it's not good for any of you. Big hugs and I hope you can find a solution that works for you xx

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    I agree with setting boundries also

    You cant just cut her off, it sounds like you are all she has ( im in a similar situation with my MIL) but your dh needs to balance his time between you guys, his mother, his business and having some time to relax.

    If she gets up set about boundries in place then theres not much you can do. Explain the strain your DH is under and then leave it at that. You are clearly doing your best to help her so you have nothing to feel guilty about


    All the best x


 

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