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    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    I think it's realistic if the bio parents have rules/guidelines in place & they follow them.

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    Quote Originally Posted by missie_mack View Post
    I actually think the ideal scenerio would be to have the kids living in one house and the parents changing a week about- of course most people wouldn't be able to manage it and it is probably unrealistic but I think it would suit the kids best.
    I have a friend whose parents did this. She was 12 when they split (her sisters were 10 and 8) and they had a beautiful family home they had lived in all their lives. When the parents split up, the mum spent every week with the girls in the home and every weekend with her boyfriend on his farm (they got together shortly after the split and have recently married after 15 yrs of 'dating'). The dad spent the weekends in his apartment in the city and every weekend and half holidays with the girls.

    The parents each had their own bedroom with ensuite in the house that they locked when they left.

    It has also only become apparent recently that the parenting/friendship relationship between the mum and dad wasn't always exactly amicable - in fact, they really don't like each other at all. This was a huge shock to my friend, as she never once saw any ill feelings between either parent while growing up. All three girls have strong relationships with both parents now - though I would say they are probably closer to their mum but that is probably more due to personalities than anything else.

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    As someone who is actually coming from the perspective of a young child in the situation, I'd really like to hear the perspective of others who were in this situation as children who's patent's had 50/50 custody? And how did you find this arrangement?

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    Without reading anything more than the OP... No, I don't, not in most situations and certainly not for older children.

    I would have HATED this kind of arrangment as a teenager. It was bad enough being shipped back and forth for holidays/Wednesday nights/every 2nd weekend.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackEyedPea View Post
    As someone who is actually coming from the perspective of a young child in the situation, I'd really like to hear the perspective of others who were in this situation as children who's patent's had 50/50 custody? And how did you find this arrangement?
    Probably won't get that many. This 50/50 arrangement, although been around for a long time, has only really only become enforcable (is that the word?) within the last 10 years, but I'd be interested in hearing what kids have to say as adults.

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    There was a good story on 50/50 custody arrangements on the 7.30 Report a couple of years ago. Unfortunately the video is no longer available, however the transcript can be accessed here.... http://www.abc.net.au/news/2008-06-0...-apart/2459210.

    A psychologist they spoke to did a small study of kids in 50/50 arrangements (only 260 families) and found 28% were suffering "acute emotional distress", which is over a quarter of the children in the study! One mother thought her children were learning to compartmentalise their lives and not talk about anything that happened at the other parents house.

    they also spoke to a family it is working for.

    This article is interesting. http://www.abc.net.au/news/2009-08-2...hurting-childr. It refers to 2 further studies being commissioned by the Federal Government.

    I must admit I dont know many families in this situation (2 to be exact). one family i know had a 50/50, week on/week off arrangement, and after about 5 years of this, the child decided at the age of 13 that she would spend majority of the time with her Mum, and visit her Dad on weekends. When the child was with her father, he would not let the mother call, nor let the child call her Mother, which I think would be distressing for any parent and child. The other family is a situation where 2 girls, 9 & 11, spend one week with Mum and her hubby and their 2 kids, then the next they are with Dad and his wife and their 2 kids. Seems to be working at this stage.

    i personally don't believe moving between 2 houses would be the best outcome for a child however that said I really don't know what is the best way to deal with the issue and i hope and pray that I am never in a position to find out.
    Last edited by GirlsRock; 14-12-2012 at 07:19.

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    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    Friends of DH and I have shared care 50/50 of their DD who is 2. Personally while the parents seem happy with the arrangement I do think it is very unstable for their DD. There is absolutely no consistency in routine or discipline between the two parents - dad doesn't believe in routine and lets dd stay up till 1am sometimes, where mum is trying to stick to an early bedtime. Mum does time out, dad doesn't believe in any discipline. Dad was saying today he is toilet training but when I asked, apparently this isn't happening at mum's house. My DS is around the same age and I know something as simple as altering his nap routine can throw him out of whack and make him grumpy.

    I think kids thrive on consistency and knowing what to expect. I'm not sure how this works when they constantly being moved from one house/one parent to another.

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    Default Re: 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    I would too as my exdh wants 50/50 and im willing to compromise but am worried about the ramifications on my kids.


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    Works for my sister, ex BIL and their kids.

    Mums place ... Monday and Wednesday nights
    Dad's place ... Tuesday and Thursday nights
    Alternate Friday, Saturday Sunday nights with alternate parents.

    They started the arrangement when my neice and nephew were 5 and 7 - they are now 14 and 16 and I have to say that they are two of the most secure, settled and happy teens that I have met in a very long time.

    My sister and ex BIL parent together. They agreed on how to parent, what boundaries etc were non negotiable and then just spent their lives loving their kids, just in seperate houses. The kids adapted very quickly and BIL went from a workaholic to a man that made sure he finished early on the days he had his kids. They have had quality time and care from both parents and both parents trust each other to always do the very best for their kids.

    There have been new partners etc, even a little brother (and little sister, sadly born sleeping *rest peacefully sweet Grace*), and through all of these changes, the other parent has been respectful and never caused strife or spoken ill of their ex or new partner. They have made their children a priorty and it has worked.

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    A psychologist they spoke to did a small study of kids in 50/50 arrangements (only 260 families) and found 28% were suffering "acute emotional distress".
    See this is the thing for me. I don't know how accurate that would be. What other factors where there for the 28%? I just can't see how an accurate study could be done? Because nothing happens in a vacuum, there ALWAYS other circumstances at play. And I just wasn't willing to play with my kid's emotions like that. Although I don't know how different I would have felt had mine and my exh's relationship had been different? And how that would have affected our children. But at that point, I couldn't see it working, all I saw was chaos and a major upheaval for the kids when they've already suffered enough through the break up.

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