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  1. #241
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    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    Quote Originally Posted by Ana Gram View Post
    Yep, totally agree.

    We even went through a year of him being 5 minutes away from her school and me being an hour away. I went through several months of doing a four hour round trip every school day and barely seeing my child even though I was the custodial parent.

    Individual situations end up being very complicated sometimes.
    Can I asked who moved away from the original location? My view is that as long as both parents are equal players one parent choosing to move away shouldn't disadvantage the other. (Not that that is entirely applicable in your case as by the sounds of it you had majority custody.)
    Last edited by VicPark; 15-12-2012 at 22:44.

  2. #242
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    What if one parent choosing to stay disadvantages the other and disadvantages the child? A lot of people move a long distance from their friends and family for their spouse's work, should they be expected to stay somewhere forever, even if it means no job opportunities and no family, just because there has been a breakdown in the relationship?

  3. #243
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    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    Quote Originally Posted by faroutbrusselsprout View Post
    This is the exact reason my DH "let" his ex move over 2 hours away from originally being 10 minutes away.
    She had met a new partner and had lots of family and friends for support in her new area.
    How could she ever be the best mother possible being forced to remain away from her support network?
    DH had met and moved in with me and had moved on with his "new life".
    To not allow her to find happiness, support and love would be at the detriment of his son?
    There was no possibility of 50/50 care in our situation, so why make her stay somewhere for 2 days a fortnight?
    He sacrificed access and time in his son's best interest to have a happy, functioning, supported mother. With a lot of organisation he still managed to see his son once or twice a month anyway.
    Why was 50-50 not workable in your situation and what split did your dh have before his ex moved? It sounds to me like your dh's ex already had ties in the new community? Where was the original family location and who moved away first?

    Sorry for the questions but I can't understand how your dh just let his kid move from 10 minutes to 2 hours away.

  4. #244
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    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    Quote Originally Posted by Benji View Post
    What if one parent choosing to stay disadvantages the other and disadvantages the child? A lot of people move a long distance from their friends and family for their spouse's work, should they be expected to stay somewhere forever, even if it means no job opportunities and no family, just because there has been a breakdown in the relationship?
    Yes. If a place is good enough for you to move to with a spouse, it's good enough to live in without that spouse (as long as the x spouse is able to help out 50-50). Unless you live in someplace like Kalgoorlie there are job opportunities.

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    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Yes. If a place is good enough for you to move to with a spouse, it's good enough to live in without that spouse (as long as the x spouse is able to help out 50-50). Unless you live in someplace like Kalgoorlie there are job opportunities.
    You are joking right?!?! That just seems so totally off the planet to me.

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  7. #246
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Yes. If a place is good enough for you to move to with a spouse, it's good enough to live in without that spouse (as long as the x spouse is able to help out 50-50). Unless you live in someplace like Kalgoorlie there are job opportunities.
    there are loads of places with no job opps for unqualified people, mining towns etc. A lot of spouses move reluctantly for this thing called love. I do not believe it is in a child's best interest to live somewhere away from extended family and have one miserable and broke parent for the sake of "50%" care. I have never viewed my DS that way, that I somehow "deserve" time with him. I do what I think is best for him, even if sometimes it's not best for me (the inconvenience of travelling to a better school just as an example). If 50/50 care is detrimental to a child, sorry but it's not working!

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  9. #247
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    Default Re: 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    Quote Originally Posted by Pesca77 View Post
    I find it very hard to believe our Court would allow a fully breastfed newborn to be away from their mother for longer durations?? How would fob feed said baby?? The Courts can't 'force' me to express, nor could they legally authorize formula against the parents wishes surely?

    If they were able to do this then our system is a lot worse than I ever thought. Thankfully I won't have to worry about this, considering the main reason DH left was because I decided to keep this unplanned baby anyway.
    The Court won't make you bottle or express but it is likely to order two hourly visits three times a week.This is what the court appointed experts and researchers are saying is needed for a baby to bond with the non primary caregiver.Again this is a general guide and may not happen in every case.

    Sent from my GT-I9100T using BubHub

  10. #248
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    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    Quote Originally Posted by Lovemyfam View Post
    Ok so if the non custodial parent loves the children they then should give up time with them and pay more CS because they have done the right thing and not hindered the move?



    Of that 80% how many gave up because the ex made life miserable, tried to turn the kids against the non custodial parent, made life with the step parent and step kids living hell? These statistics and studies cant be accurate in just saying 80% of non custodial parents give up there is so much that can make someone give up



    Ok so to be a good non custodial parent you have to let the custodial parent do as they pleases and follow them around as they move? What of any other kids they have? Do they get to be parent of the year if they rent a moving van for the moving parent too? That is the craziest thing I have heard.



    I think what she was saying is that the mother doesn't have any more rights than the father.

    Wouldnt a good custodial parent make every possible attempt to stay put? If that means getting a job and not being on assistance and place the kids in daycare so that they can afford to live should a caring parent do that?
    Again your posts are so hypocritical and contradictory, they're laughable!

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  12. #249
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    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    What if the non-custodial parent is military and is posted every 2 years?
    Does mum/dad pack up and move towns every 2 years too? Or should dad/mum discharge so that they can keep being a good parent? Go on VicPark, tell us what this hypothetical split family should do
    Why can't you just concede that there is no black and white when it comes to primary custody?

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  14. #250
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    and all that the Lorax left here in this mess was a small pile of rocks with the one word...UNLESS
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    There's definitely no black and white here.

    A lot depends upon towns (ie. availability of alternate housing, availability of child care, availability of jobs and more), because with a relationship breakdown, these are probably the three main factors which might mean someone has to move away. When a relationship breaks down, the main care giver may need to get more hours (or a job, or a different job, or study - sorry didn't put that in my opening), whereas the secondary care giver will probably choose to continue in the same job they were in before.

    Getting more hours of work, dictate more care required (either day care or friend or family support which wasn't necessarily required before). A second house is needed, rentals are not always available in an area within a 2km (or whatever seems close) to the home that was shared prior to the relationship breakdown).

    Nitpicking individuals situations here will probably only show how much grey is here, not actually prove any points that have been raised.

    I certainly don't think there is a one size fits all solution. If a relationship has broken down the choice of reasons for that are multiple, and therefore the choice of where the parents go from there are also multiple.

    The idea of what's in the best interests of the child is often the hardest thing to determine as emotions are running high.

    One thing that I believe (and others may or may not believe) is stability is a key ingredient to helping the child cope and adapt as needed to a new situation. To gain stability, stress needs to be reduced in both the main care giver's life and the child's life. How that is achieved, can be very different in all situations. Stability may be better achieved when the primary care giver has more emotional support around, or it may be where they have better vocational or social support around. But the common denominator seems to be that stability is best achieved when the primary care giver is in a more stable situation.

    Sometimes it's not possible to remain in the pre breakup home, so stability has to be established elsewhere.

    The sad fact is that regardless of whether both parents were fantastic while they were together, it's likely care was not shared 50/50, and therefore how can stability be achieved by trying to get 50/50 care after a breakup? If one parent was working fulltime, but the other wasn't, then care certainly wasn't 50/50, as one parent was always there (either during the day if the child is pre school age) or for drop offs and pick ups at school, don't forget parent help at school or canteen duty, or watching children at assembly or whatever, so if you enforce the 50/50 rule, you could be actually causing more disruption to the child's known stability.

    In saying all of that, 50/50 may work for some people, however, as I've said there are too many variables to really figure where it will work. Some people here have given some great examples of where it can work, and I tip my hat to you

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