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  1. #141
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    Quote Originally Posted by HugsBunny View Post
    I also don't understand how it can possibly be beneficial for the kids who have previously always been in mums care and never in childcare to suddenly have to go to care on dads week so that dad can work, but that childcare placement would still then need to be paid for on mums week regardless of whether it was needed or not.
    I think in the case you outline, it isn't better for the kids. *Sometimes* I think it can be a power play by the non custodial parent and I've also heard of some fathers who have admitted they wanted 50/50 so they didn't have to pay as much CS.

    I think it can work, but I do believe it can be detrimental to the child who has no sense of home. I think it needs to be a case by case basis rather than a blanket rule of automatic 50/50

  2. #142
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    This is sad. Is anyone able to effectively co-parent with their ex in order to raise a healthy and happy child? (not blaming mums where it doesn't work, it takes 2 to tango).
    In our case, it was going reasonably well until I had to move interstate. As circumstances has changed (and it is completely clear that I am not going to re-enter a relationship with him), the parenting relationship often breaks down. It's terribly frustrating.

  3. #143
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    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    This is sad. Is anyone able to effectively co-parent with their ex in order to raise a healthy and happy child? (not blaming mums where it doesn't work, it takes 2 to tango).
    We do.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SimplyMum View Post
    No, I don't think 50/50 is realistic. I don't even like the idea of every other weekend.
    How often do you think the child has a right to visit the non custodial parent?

    Quote Originally Posted by Atropos View Post
    My DH has always worked around his kids.
    In DHs situation both he and the exW worked full time, kids were in care and school and 50/50 was going fine for the kids until exW decided to up and take the kids and disappear. Criminal charges were laid on her for assaulting my DH and myself in the process, she was medicated for mental illness and not at all rational. Yet when the court day came, though she was chided for her selfish actions, the magistrate allowed her to keep the primary carer role. She has yet to provide them with a stable home environment, moving 6 times in four years and so on.This is just one example of a court favouring a mother for no valid reason- it certainly wasn't in the best interests of the children.
    That is horrible, see why wouldnt they just let him have sole custody? He is doing whats best for the child and she is not thinking of the child when she steals him away.

    Quote Originally Posted by Benji View Post
    I think after separation life should be kept to as close to normal as possible, for *most* young children this will mean residing with mum and spending time with dad after work and/or on weekends, just as they would have while together.
    So does this mean that ideally the dad would be able to come around to moms house every night then spend 2 days a week all day if thats the days off he had?

    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    This is sad. Is anyone able to effectively co-parent with their ex in order to raise a healthy and happy child? (not blaming mums where it doesn't work, it takes 2 to tango).
    I think those that can let things go and just think about the child can. Its when people break up and hold onto the anger, hurt, or feelings for the other person it gets turned into a battle field with stray bullets hitting the poor kids.

    Quote Originally Posted by MsTruth View Post
    There are always exceptions to the following, particularly where arrangements are by consent, but the Family Court (at least in WA) tends to make orders about shared care after a child reaches the age of 4. The reason for this is that social research on attachment, shared care etc is finding that a child cannot really deal with shared care until after this age.


    Attachment to who because wouldnt it be better to embrace attachment to both parents?

    Quote Originally Posted by MsTruth View Post
    I have found in my work that parents who make shared care work are those who put the children first at all times (you would be surprised how often this is not the case). They each have clothes,toys etc for the child at their home so the only thing that goes between homes are school bags.
    I think a lot of people have a hard time letting go so it makes it harder for some.

    Quote Originally Posted by MsTruth View Post
    The research is only now starting to emerge on how the 2006 changes to the family law are affecting children/parents/court process so it is possible that the presumption of shared care may change again in the future.
    Its going to be hard to decide how it is going if most cases dont get turned into shared care where it doesnt seem like a lot of people do it

    Quote Originally Posted by MsTruth View Post
    As for the off topic discussion, having worked in family law for 10 years I am adament that I will do everything possible to keep my marriage together because of my son. There would only be a couple of scenarios in which I would leave my DH, violence (physical/sexual/financial/emotional)towards me or towards my son and drug/alcohol abuse that puts my son at risk. If none of this exists then I will stay and make it work until my son is an adult - and my DH agrees with me on this (thankfully we are happily married but no one knows what the future holds).
    Unfortunetly relationships have fallen into the same category as items if its broke just throw it away and get another.

  5. #145
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lovemyfam View Post

    I think those that can let things go and just think about the child can. Its when people break up and hold onto the anger, hurt, or feelings for the other person it gets turned into a battle field with stray bullets hitting the poor kids.
    I actually agree. Sometimes this means a custodial parent that is angry and makes access difficult. Sometimes it means a parent that demands 50/50, not for the good of the child, but to stick it to the ex. I think in some cases 50/50 is not good for the child, especially when they are young. A good parent recognises it's all about the child, and barring any safety issues let the other see lots of the child. But it can't be one size fits all. Having a blanket 50/50 rule is going to be damaging to some children for a variety of reasons and refuses to acknowledge that. Sometimes 50/50 just isn't the best for the child and I worry a blanket rule with leave the child open to being used by the non custodial parent to control and hurt the custodial.

    There was a study done, I think in Aust but not positive, that found 80% of men who wanted more access and who won in court, saw their kids only a couple of times in the next few years by their own choice. The study very clearly said it proved it had been dragged thru court to control and upset the ex.

    I'm def not saying every parent that wants 50/50 is doing so for their own nasty reasons, far from it. But when we stop looking at it case by case and just give automatic rules, it may well be the child the suffers...
    Last edited by delirium; 15-12-2012 at 08:34. Reason: typo

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  7. #146
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    I'm def not saying every parent that wants 50/50 is doing so for their own nasty reasons, far from it. But when we stop looking at it case by case and just give automatic rules, it may well be the child the suffers...
    Absolutely. Blanket rules ended up making it more difficult. A blanket rule would never have worked in our situation as I had to move interstate.

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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    I actually agree. Sometimes this means a custodial parent that is angry and makes access difficult. Sometimes it means a parent that demands 50/50, not for the good of the child, but to stick it to the ex. I think in some cases 50/50 is not good for the child, especially when they are young. A good parent recognises it's all about the child, and barring any safety issues let the other see lots of the child. But it can't be one size fits all. Having a blanket 50/50 rule is going to be damaging to some children for a variety of reasons and refuses to acknowledge that. Sometimes 50/50 just isn't the best for the child and I worry a blanket rule with leave the child open to being used by the non custodial parent to control and hurt the custodial.

    There was a study done, I think in Aust but not positive, that found 80% of men who wanted more access and who won in court, saw their kids only a couple of times in the next few years by their own choice. The study very clearly said it proved it had been dragged thru court to control and upset the ex.

    I'm def not saying every parent that wants 50/50 is doing so for their own nasty reasons, far from it. But when we stop looking at it case by case and just give automatic rules, it may well be the child the suffers...
    I still think it should be assumed that it will be 50/50 and let the court decide if its not the right choice for the child. So for example Barb and Joe break up. Barb has taken care of the children while Joe works. It should be that Joe has the right to see the kids as often as he likes until the court date and then let the court decide if it is best for the child to do 50/50 but something has to be done about the custodial parents that are not on the up and up and are avoiding the relationship between the non custodial and the child. Just as if it is found that the non custodial fought for 50/50 but rarely sees the child then that too needs to be addressed.

    Its just absolutely boggles my mind how someone can just drag kids around, move hide from the non custodial parent. I know everyone is different but I can give two ****s what an ex is doing. I had my kids dad call me to tell me that he was getting married and asked if the kids could come I said yup no problem they would prob love to see you. I had my ex call once and ask if he could spend a week with the kids at my house. I said yup T has a bunk bed you can stay in his room he never showed the point is we as a parent have to just let **** go for the kids ( abuse is different) they don't care that Daddy cheated on mommy they don't care that mommy fell out of love with daddy they care that they have two parents that love them and they care that they can talk to and see both parents when they want.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lovemyfam View Post
    ...they have two parents that love them and they care that they can talk to and see both parents when they want.
    How does this work in your case then? Still dictating how other people should behave, but ignoring your own situation.

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  11. #149
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stiflers Mom View Post
    How does this work in your case then? Still dictating how other people should behave, but ignoring your own situation.
    If the kids father wanted to be in their lives then I would have stayed where I was but when he tells you to go and hadnt seen them in 9 years even though he knew where we were at all times we always kept him updated of where we were and numbers etc then we did just that what was best for the kids and he agreed. He hadn't seen them in 9 years, he called maybe 1 time a year never asked to speak to the kids only asked me how they are doing. He asked to come stay with us for a week over Christmas I said sure and got his bed ready and cleared out a drawer for his clothes he didn't show and called 2 years later to see how the kids were. The last time he saw our son T was 18 months about he is now 12 and his dad asked to talk to him 1 time in all that time that was last year he told T that he was going to come pick him up and take him for a week so I got T ready and packed he never showed up.

    So see we did what was best for the kids. We talked and he thought it was good for the kids to go, they had a father figure and he thought it would be great for the kids to move here.

    You keep bringing this up but the bottom line is I have never done anything to destroy the relationship between the kids and their dad. If he would have taken them 50/50 I would have been happy, so get off this kick of coming into every thread like this pointing this out when it was best for the kids, I know that and he knows that. If he would have said no way don't take the kids, I wouldn't have. I am not out to screw him or destroy his relationship with the kids. Hell if I could figure out how to get him over here to be closer to the kids I would but not like he would ever show up to see them anyway

  12. #150
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    Now that I think about it though maybe there needs to be more than just courts involved, seems to me if they got professionals involved that work with the children and have hands on experience with the individual child that could help that way you dont have one parent saying why it would be so bad and one parent saying its best for them and letting a judge decide because we can always make things seem worse than they are so if we are really looking at what is best maybe a 3rd party that is a professional would be a good thing to have.


 

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