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  1. #131
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    Quote Originally Posted by Atropos View Post
    I don't know, I can't see that working long term. I feel once a relationship is over you both have a right to move on, you know? You'd eventually have to stop living together anyway, why delay the inevitable? My DH did actually try this with his exw (well before meeting me) and it just caused even more friction. Had he still been doing this when I met him I'd never have gone out with him tbh.
    Yeh that's what I said to chew the mintie in an earlier post. I guess you are delaying the inevitable because one of both of you would want to move on at some point. I don't think you'd do your kids any favours by depriving yourself of moving on with someone new just so you can stay living in the same house as your child's other parent. But I guess it'd work for as long as you're able maybe? I don't know...just seems the ideal thing to do if you've still got all the respect and the admiration there to just live in the same house and parent together until you need to move on...certianly save money. *shrugs* But who knows? I guess it's an option for those couples in the interim.

  2. #132
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    This is sad. Is anyone able to effectively co-parent with their ex in order to raise a healthy and happy child? (not blaming mums where it doesn't work, it takes 2 to tango).
    Yes I can effectively co-parent. I like to think we're doing ok so far. It's not perfect by any stretch but nothing ever is.

  3. #133
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chew the Mintie View Post
    This is what confuses me.

    If you love someone, and also have respect admiration and friendship, why would you stop loving them?

    I feel that anyone older than a teenager can kind of realise that is a good working relationship ESP for raising children.

    I guess some people get an overwhelming sense of something missing in life... And don't want to be in a relationship at all.

    There's love and there's LOVE I guess. That old "I love you but I'm not in love with you" as lame as that is....it may sum up how some feel they can admire and respect and love someone but still not LOVE them....no chemistry, just the feeling's gone I guess.

  4. #134
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    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    I love my dh, but often don't respect, admire or feel friendly to him, lol!! Heh

  5. #135
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    Some info on shared care that some may find useful.

    Shared parental responsibility - means parents having equal say in respect to long term decisions about a child. This usually falls into 3 areas, education, serious medical treatment and religious upbringing.

    Shared care - means where a child will live and who is responsible for day to day decisions/care/welfare. Shared care is anything over 5 days per fortnight with both parents, so it does not have to be an equalnumber of nights to be considered shared.

    There are always exceptions to the following, particularly where arrangements are by consent, but the Family Court (at least in WA) tends to make orders about shared care after a child reaches the age of 4. The reason for this is that social research on attachment, shared care etc is finding that a child cannot really deal with shared care until after this age.

    Shared parental responsibility and shared care is the presumption when a case comes before the Court, but, and this is a big but, it will only be ordered if it is in a child's best interests and if it is practicable. When deciding whether shared care is practicable the Court looks at things like how far apart the parents live, each parents work, special needs of a child, age of the children, siblings etc

    I have found in my work that parents who make shared care work are those who put the children first at all times (you would be surprised how often this is not the case). They each have clothes,toys etc for the child at their home so the only thing that goes between homes are school bags.

    The research is only now starting to emerge on how the 2006 changes to the family law are affecting children/parents/court process so it is possible that the presumption of shared care may change again in the future.

    As for the off topic discussion, having worked in family law for 10 years I am adament that I will do everything possible to keep my marriage together because of my son. There would only be a couple of scenarios in which I would leave my DH, violence (physical/sexual/financial/emotional)towards me or towards my son and drug/alcohol abuse that puts my son at risk. If none of this exists then I will stay and make it work until my son is an adult - and my DH agrees with me on this (thankfully we are happily married but no one knows what the future holds).

  6. #136
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chew the Mintie View Post
    I love my dh, but often don't respect, admire or feel friendly to him, lol!! Heh
    Oh the irony! LOL

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  8. #137
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    I have 6 year old son who is now in a blended family and my ex and I have 50/50 shared care of him.
    we have set days that we pick him up and he knows exactly what those days are.
    we separated and finally divorced when my son was 11 months old, we had been together since high school prior to this.
    in my situation my ex was sleeping with the neighbour and she regularly visited our home.
    obviously initially I was angry, hurt and bitter.
    but at the end if the day, I want what is best for my son and that is to have a loving and meaningful relationship with his dad and now his dads girlfriend and their 3 year old daughter, who my son adores.
    personally I think to stay in a relationship without love is really sad, and your children miss out on seeing what 2 people in love should be like.
    my son loves all of his now extended family, my husband his children my ex and his girlfriend get together on special occasions and get along well.
    my son thinks this is normal and he is a happy loving well adjusted child.
    everyones situation is different but ours works well.

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    HowCrazyCool  (14-12-2012)

  10. #138
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    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    I may not have any experience in family law... But I must say, as the child of a woman who stayed, "for the kids," I totally disagree with taking that path.

    Your kids get to an age where they can feel the tension, tell that Mum is miserable even if she tries to never ever let on, etc. There was no violence. No extreme circumstances that she put up with... She was just a doormat for a chauvinist... And she hated it. As a small child I couldn't tell... As a teenager I became much more observant and aware. I didn't have to witness fighting, hear shared words or have her come right out and tell me to know that she hated being in the relationship.

    All it's done is eff me up tbh. A stronger role model who says, "no, I do not need to put up with this crap... I deserve happiness!" Would have been much more beneficial for me. I've found myself putting myself in the doormat position, and I see my brother has learnt how women are meant to be treated from my parents relationship. It did us no good.

    As for 50:50 care... It just would never have been something I would consider. She's always been MY child. I did the raising. He occasionally did some menial task if I nagged enough. He wasn't out earning a living for most of our relationship... He didn't want to financially support either of us so he worked... For himself. All money I got was from Centrelink... Which, for most of our relationship paid for DD and myself... He contributed little towards her.

    When we split and he had visits maybe once every 3 weeks... And the pathetic level of care he offered in an overnight visit made me see red... Like cutting her little fingers because he had her on the bench picking at watermelon as he cut it... With his chef knives. Like burning her hands in hot oil cos he told her to warm them over a pain of cooking bacon. Like leaving her peed in carseat and pants in the car... Putting her in it the next day... Giving her chocolate on the ride home and when she got it all over herself what did he clean it up with? He peed on pants from the day before. All while sitting in her wet, peed in carseat. So no, I would have never allowed him to take care of her 50% of the time. He couldn't even do a good job overnight.

  11. #139
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    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    Quote Originally Posted by Deserama View Post
    Yes that's what I think as well. Like if you can be friends and be able to communicate and respect each other...hello!!!! Perfect reason one would think you'd want to work on the relationship before splitting up! We all split up for a reason! Just doesn't make sense that if one was capable of all that, why they wouldn't be together?
    Because sometimes you can be friends with someone but it's not the right kind of love. Just because something isn't wrong - doesn't make it right either.

    My exH and I get along wonderfully. We can go to things together for the kids - genuinely enjoy having a chat during pick ups and drop offs and I even watched him gig last night with the new guy I have just started seeing (we've been apart for 2 years now).

    At the end of the day both of us are much happier. The only issue that arose was how our marriage ended (which was him having an affair with my best friend whilst I was pregnant with our second child and they have been together since).

    The thing is we were great as mates and possibly could've stayed together for the sake of the kids. But everyone else would've been happy but us. We wound have been 'fine' but not happy.

    Despite what's happened in the past I'm still very grateful that he is the father of my children. He is a wonderful dad and a good co parent and we communicate well as a team for the boys. But I count my lucky stars every day that he is no longer my husband.

  12. #140
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    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    My husband and I are in the process of separating. He has shared care of his 2 sons from previous marriage so they were my step sons for 5 years. He wants our son 50/50 and I said he can have 43/57 which is the split with his other kids. I am also pregnant with his child and due in 7 weeks but he won't be getting any substantial time with her until she is a bit older. I am happy for her to eventually get to shared care but not for a few years. We don't agree so looks like its mediation then likely family court for us.


 

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