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  1. #121
    Ana Gram's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chew the Mintie View Post
    This is what confuses me.

    If you love someone, and also have respect admiration and friendship, why would you stop loving them?

    I feel that anyone older than a teenager can kind of realise that is a good working relationship ESP for raising children.

    I guess some people get an overwhelming sense of something missing in life... And don't want to be in a relationship at all.
    Well, in my case, I didn't love him, so there was no love lost. I stayed for 3 years despite this and it was awful.

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  3. #122
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ana Gram View Post
    Even if I had respect, admiration and friendship (which there wasn't), I couldn't keep it going without love. If there is no love, there is no relationship for me.
    That's how I felt/feel, and it's why I left my ex. I was not prepared to live in a love-less marriage purely for my DS. I felt I deserved to be in a relationship where I was in love. I am actually happy being single and am not actively seeking a relationship, but no way was I going to stay in that marriage for DS. I don't think that teaches kids about healthy loving relationships, and I'd rather he see me as happy as I can be, even if it means being single and not in a relationship with his dad.

    To answer the OP, I really don't feel comfortable with the idea of 50/50 care. I'm sure it can work, but reading some of the replies from people who were in that situation as kids has really put me off. I personally think it's better if the kids have a main home and see the other parent regularly.

    DS goes to his dad's house every weekend, and if I have a family celebration on or something to take him to then I can have him on those days. It works well for us and DS never goes more than 5 nights without seeing his dad. ExH and DS have a very strong bond and exH is a very good father so I never have to worry, plus we do get along well which helps.

    DD goes to FOB's house every second weekend (different dad to DS), and at 14 months she has just started overnight stays and it's going really well. This situation works well for everyone and I'm happy with how well DD is coping.

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    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    I guess people are talking about situations in which they never feel warmth or fondness or attraction

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    Quote Originally Posted by Chew the Mintie View Post
    I guess people are talking about situations in which they never feel warmth or fondness or attraction
    Yes, definitely. I was no longer attracted to exH at all. If I had been, then I wouldn't have left him, I guess. I don't know anyone who has stayed living with someone 'for the kids' who has been totally happy. Something's got to give at some point.

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  7. #125
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    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    I pretty much hated my XH by the time I left.

  8. #126
    Ana Gram's Avatar
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    Yep CTM. Another element is s.ex. If you are still in a relationship despite not feeling attraction or love, there can be pressure of s.ex to deal with. That was the entire 3 years for me until I couldn't take it anymore.

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    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    Quote Originally Posted by AppleIsleSMum View Post
    What about if the father has another child? Why would those siblings be denied the right to spend and build a relationship?
    This is an issue for us, we are planning a baby, how does DS have a close relationship with this sibling. My bio kids are with us 12/14 nights, she is with us 2/14. Doesn't seem fair to me

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  12. #128
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    Quote Originally Posted by Benji View Post
    I think they get the 'rough end of the stick' because generally it's the mother who does the day to day caring for the child when they're together. IMO it is completely unfair for a young child to be primarily with his/her mum, and cared for by mum, to be pawned off in a 50/50 scenario. If the child is young, it's generally mum who has given up her career in order to stay at home and raise the child, or find better working hours.

    When I split from ex there is no way in HELL I would have allowed DS to be forced into a 50/50 situation when I was at home raising him - why should he go into child care? Why should he have been separated from his mother with whom he was still breastfeeding?

    I do agree it's case by case, because as AppleIsleSMum mentioned some situations there are siblings involved, and as they get older what the child wants has to come into play (although sadly a lot would choose the more negligent parent because there wouldn't be as many rules applied).

    That isnt entirely fair because in most cases when its the mother at home with the kids the father is at work providing for his family. But I'm referring to fathers that share the caring and are very hands on. Such as my dh, we both work, we both cook and clean, we both run around after the kids, we are both very active with them, we both get up to sick kids at night, we do everything 50/50 so if we ever split (thankfully we never would because we love each other dearly still after 18yrs together) he would have a right to have the kids 50/50 in my opinion. That's only fair.

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    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    This is sad. Is anyone able to effectively co-parent with their ex in order to raise a healthy and happy child? (not blaming mums where it doesn't work, it takes 2 to tango).

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    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    This is sad. Is anyone able to effectively co-parent with their ex in order to raise a healthy and happy child? (not blaming mums where it doesn't work, it takes 2 to tango).
    Yep, my ex and I do it very well. We are much better parents apart than we were together


 

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