Closed Thread
Page 10 of 43 FirstFirst ... 8910111220 ... LastLast
Results 91 to 100 of 426
  1. #91
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Posts
    1,206
    Thanks
    406
    Thanked
    323
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    Quote Originally Posted by Benji View Post
    Yours sounds ideal AppleIsleSMum.
    I hope it is, I think it's something we worry about on a daily bases.

    With so many awful story's of evil step mums, Disney dads, creepy step fathers, children not feeling "at home", the child feeling a difference between their half/step siblings and themselves, setting a good example of what a good relationship is so that the child doesn't accept less for themselves because that is what they have seen growing up - and all the other crap that can affect a small child! It's scary to think something we(us & BM) do could affect her for life(argh pressure!) lol

  2. #92
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Posts
    19,776
    Thanks
    5,212
    Thanked
    7,063
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by AppleIsleSMum View Post
    It's scary to think something we(us & BM) do could affect her for life(argh pressure!) lol
    Ahh we're all going to mess them up in some way There's nothing to say that just because parents aren't together that their children will end up worse off than had they stayed together and not become part of a blended family.

    I try as best as I can with the situation I was in (abusive FOB, forced due to no money to return to work early etc). I am by no means perfect but the important thing is we do our best, which it sounds like you all are. Nobody has all the answers unfortunately.

  3. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Benji For This Useful Post:

    AppleIsleSMum  (14-12-2012),MissMuppet  (14-12-2012),shelle65  (14-12-2012)

  4. #93
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    6,028
    Thanks
    5,463
    Thanked
    4,398
    Reviews
    20
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts

    Default Re: 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    Quote Originally Posted by Deserama View Post
    Yes I'd stay in a loveless relationship if I was still able to co-exist with my ex, indefinetly yes. And if I had that much respect and communication within that relationship I'd damn well work from that for as long as it took. Become roomates if need be!

    In a perfect world...leaving the past in the past would be easy. But people are human and it's unrealistic to expect them to pretend 24/7.

    A few weeks ago I was sitting with my daughter in hospital....and my ex and his wife (the women who broke up our family) were sitting there too. Over the past 7 years we've become more and more able to be amicable with each other, but this was the first time anything like this happened where I was forced to be in the same room with both of them at the same time. I had to sit there and repeat in my head over and over again "I am gorgeous and amazing" in my husband's voice like a tape recording looping over and over again. I felt so so small - STILL after all these years he is still capable of making me feel like that just by being in his presence.

    After all that, when I got in the cars after hours of enduring this atmosphere and me repeating "I am gorgeous and amazing" for hours on end.....I burst into tears started shaking, and had to take deep breaths to settle myself down. In front of them, and my daughter I was a pillar of strength, inside it took all my power to keep that facade and to be forced to do that on an indefinete basis is too much to expect....even for my kids.

    One just can't be expect to keep up with this pretence. It's unbearable and unrealistic. One can argue that one should do it for the kid's sake and be grown up about it, and I agree and I tried....but it's not human to keep it up. It's impossible to keep it up without cracking. And eventually the cracks would show and the atmosphere would be so tense you'd be able to cut it with a knife and I think kids would be able to pick that up and as much as one could try to 'pretend' for the kids, I think it would be damaging for the kids. My kids are so much better off with my ex and I co-parenting from a distance.

    In theory all parent should all get along...in theory this should work.....in theory. But lots of things work....in theory. People are human and it's unrealistic to expect people to act like rebots, void of emotion and feelings.
    Very well said

  5. #94
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Posts
    2,485
    Thanks
    849
    Thanked
    299
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts

    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    I HOPE it works, as we are doing it. I don't like it, but there is not much I can do because I know ex-DH wants to see as much of the kids as I do.

    They don't pack bags though. They have plenty of toys with both of us and plenty of clothes with both of us as well. They only thing we pass back and forth is the school stuff. And if they have something special they want to bring. But we get on well so even if they want something particular we will just arrange to meet up or we will pop over and drop things off for them.

    It is hard for me but the kids really do seem fine, and they have such a close bond with their Dad they didn't have previously. Now he is also the one making their lunches and doing school drop off and pick up and taking them to activities.

    I am HOPING that moving houses won't be too bad for them. I was the opposite as a child (never moved house) and I really don't adapt we'll to situations at all. I find change incredibly hard. So I just watch them and hope they will cope easier with the changes of life than I did. I kind of have to look at the positives with it because I don't get much of a choice anyway. It is how it is.

  6. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to chameleon For This Useful Post:

    Gothel  (14-12-2012),Lovemyfam  (15-12-2012),shelle65  (14-12-2012)

  7. #95
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Posts
    8,806
    Thanks
    7,267
    Thanked
    9,720
    Reviews
    5
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts

    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    Quote Originally Posted by Benji View Post
    I should just add to this, that if a dad were a SAHD and the mother worked long/child-unfriendly hours, chances are that the children would stay with dad. Fact is, not many dads are SAHDs, or work their hours around school pickups and whatnot so it's just the way the cookie crumbles until more dads start taking on the majority of the parenting duties.
    My DH has always worked around his kids.
    In DHs situation both he and the exW worked full time, kids were in care and school and 50/50 was going fine for the kids until exW decided to up and take the kids and disappear. Criminal charges were laid on her for assaulting my DH and myself in the process, she was medicated for mental illness and not at all rational. Yet when the court day came, though she was chided for her selfish actions, the magistrate allowed her to keep the primary carer role. She has yet to provide them with a stable home environment, moving 6 times in four years and so on.This is just one example of a court favouring a mother for no valid reason- it certainly wasn't in the best interests of the children.

  8. #96
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Posts
    8,806
    Thanks
    7,267
    Thanked
    9,720
    Reviews
    5
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts

    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    Quote Originally Posted by Deserama View Post
    Yes I'd stay in a loveless relationship if I was still able to co-exist with my ex, indefinetly yes. And if I had that much respect and communication within that relationship I'd damn well work from that for as long as it took. Become roomates if need be!

    In a perfect world...leaving the past in the past would be easy. But people are human and it's unrealistic to expect them to pretend 24/7.

    A few weeks ago I was sitting with my daughter in hospital....and my ex and his wife (the women who broke up our family) were sitting there too. Over the past 7 years we've become more and more able to be amicable with each other, but this was the first time anything like this happened where I was forced to be in the same room with both of them at the same time. I had to sit there and repeat in my head over and over again "I am gorgeous and amazing" in my husband's voice like a tape recording looping over and over again. I felt so so small - STILL after all these years he is still capable of making me feel like that just by being in his presence.

    After all that, when I got in the cars after hours of enduring this atmosphere and me repeating "I am gorgeous and amazing" for hours on end.....I burst into tears started shaking, and had to take deep breaths to settle myself down. In front of them, and my daughter I was a pillar of strength, inside it took all my power to keep that facade and to be forced to do that on an indefinete basis is too much to expect....even for my kids.

    One just can't be expect to keep up with this pretence. It's unbearable and unrealistic. One can argue that one should do it for the kid's sake and be grown up about it, and I agree and I tried....but it's not human to keep it up. It's impossible to keep it up without cracking. And eventually the cracks would show and the atmosphere would be so tense you'd be able to cut it with a knife and I think kids would be able to pick that up and as much as one could try to 'pretend' for the kids, I think it would be damaging for the kids. My kids are so much better off with my ex and I co-parenting from a distance.

    In theory all parent should all get along...in theory this should work.....in theory. But lots of things work....in theory. People are human and it's unrealistic to expect people to act like rebots, void of emotion and feelings.
    On one hand, you'd stay in a loveless relationship, on the other, you can't keep up the pretence?
    They are both pretences IMO. I wouldn't stay in a loveless relationship. I think it's important to set a good example to my daughters of what a marriage really is. Jmo.

  9. The Following User Says Thank You to Atropos For This Useful Post:

    Lovemyfam  (15-12-2012)

  10. #97
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Posts
    19,776
    Thanks
    5,212
    Thanked
    7,063
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 posts
    I think after separation life should be kept to as close to normal as possible, for *most* young children this will mean residing with mum and spending time with dad after work and/or on weekends, just as they would have while together.

  11. #98
    HugsBunny's Avatar
    HugsBunny is offline Once upon a time there was a bunny.........
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    6,603
    Thanks
    4,531
    Thanked
    1,966
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts

    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    Quote Originally Posted by Benji View Post
    I think after separation life should be kept to as close to normal as possible, for *most* young children this will mean residing with mum and spending time with dad after work and/or on weekends, just as they would have while together.
    Exactly. Before separation, my XH barely saw the children. He was gone from the house for 2 weeks before my 5yo even asked 'is dad sleeping at work again?' Simply because he was so used to dad not being around.

    After separation, my XH asked me to give him the kids full time - he would continue to work the long hours and the kids would be in before and after school care and full time day care. How could that possibly have been in their best interests? Even to go 50/50 would have meant the kids were away from me for far too long and wouldn't have spent any 'quality' time with XH anyway as they'd have been in care more often than they were in his care.

    Yes kids need to be able to have a relationship with both parents but too often it's not the kids that this suits best but the parents. I'm currently trying to adjust the days my XH has with the kids because its not working for the one that's in school. I've explained this to XH but he won't listen because 'he wants' to be able to drop DS at school. Nevermind the fact that DS has told both of us that it upsets him too much for his dad to drop him at school.

    I get so ****ed off at being painted the bad guy when all I'm trying to do is what's best for my kids. If standing up for them makes me a biatch then so be it.

  12. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to HugsBunny For This Useful Post:

    Benji  (14-12-2012),Deserama  (14-12-2012),HappyBovinexx  (14-12-2012),Stiflers Mom  (14-12-2012)

  13. #99
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    5,005
    Thanks
    1,052
    Thanked
    3,524
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts

    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    Quote Originally Posted by Deserama View Post
    Yes that's what I think as well. Like if you can be friends and be able to communicate and respect each other...hello!!!! Perfect reason one would think you'd want to work on the relationship before splitting up! We all split up for a reason! Just doesn't make sense that if one was capable of all that, why they wouldn't be together?
    Because you don't love each other?

    I realise this isn't possible in all circumstances I.e abusive relationships.

    But I do think parents should be able to put their personal crap aside for the sake of kids. I think it's appalling when I hear mums bad mouthing the dad to their kids (and I would think the same vice versa of course!)

  14. #100
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Sautéed with bacon
    Posts
    6,070
    Thanks
    271
    Thanked
    2,695
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts

    Default 50/50 Shared Care: Do you think it is realistic?

    Another honest point I could make is that I believe it would be detrimental to my step son if we had 50/50.
    I have made my feelings very clear about how I feel so I won't rehash that. But because I do actually care about his well being, I think it would be best for him to remain in the care of his mother and step father for the majority of the time.
    It would not only be detrimental to him but to my children and my marriage.
    Definitely not for us.


 

Similar Threads

  1. Adivse: RWH- shared care
    By madi83 in forum Seeking a Maternity Hospital
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 01-11-2012, 11:24
  2. Shared care and PHI
    By miniriz in forum Seeking a Maternity Hospital
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 27-09-2012, 14:58
  3. Shared care and PHI
    By miniriz in forum Seeking a Maternity Hospital
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 27-09-2012, 14:42

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
BAE The Label
Versatile, premium maternity wear that you will love throughout pregnancy and long after. Cleverly designed for for all stages of motherhood so that you can 'Just be you (+1)'.
sales & new stuffsee all
Bub Hub Sales Listing
HAVING A SALE? Let parents know about it with a Bub Hub Sales listing. Listings are featured on our well trafficked Sales Page + selected randomly to appear on EVERY page
featured supporter
Baby Monitors
Looking to buy a baby monitor? :: Read viewer reviews of baby monitors BEFORE you buy :: Buy at a local or online Baby Nursery Shop
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!