So i guess ive had the morning from hell. I had to get to the supermarket for a few things this morning. Its going to be hot today so thought id get out before the heat and the crowds.
Was in the car ready to put keys into ignition when i realised - Locked my keys inside the house. Im 38 weeks pregnant and had to break into my house thru a window i left ajar. DD was screaming her lungs out in the car while i did this.
She scremed all the way to the shops. She scremed in the stroller while i zoomed around the supermarket. I got her a yoghurt as a snack but she saw it and wanted it immediately - i just wanted to get out of there so i didnt give it to her. More screaming. Line at express checkout 5 deep. More screaming. Lots of stares.
Finally get out of the shop, we sit down, take dd out of stroller (as she's half out anyways) and give her yoghurt and a plum. Refuses to go back in stroller. More screaming. I kept my calm and said "ok then let's walk back to the car.." (dd holding onto stroller) then she goes walk abouts. I guide her back to stroller but she cracked it. So i picked her up. Bad move.
I got slapped and kicked in public by a 22mth old. i was so embarrassed and humiliated. With one hand pushing the stroller and the other holding dd (who is still slapping and pinching me) i get to the car as fast as i can waddle, pushing back my own tears.
I was bit rough with her, getting her into her car seat as she was resiting me. Finally we get to head home. my tears roll and roll down my face.
Get home, put dd into bed - no eye contact, i didnt even say a word to her except "goodnight" and i shut her door.
I slumped on the couch and just cried and cried...infact im still crying with all these thoughts running thru my hormonal mind:
- i could have handled that better
- i lost it with her, i still cant handle her and soon i'll have another
- she obviously was tired and we should have skipped the stupid shops and stayed home.
- why the truck should i have to put up with her hitting and slapping me in public?
- This is bringing back PND memories/feelings
- i want dh home, im so tired, i try my best but i just cant do everything anymore, im 38 weeks pregnant for trucks sake.
- i want help around the house, i dont want visitors every weekend.
- does the baby know im upset? can it feel/hear me crying?
- when will i have this baby?
- Ive been on such a pregnancy high for so long, i think reality has finally hit - that i may note cope (mentally) as well as i thought once this baby is here. At least i can admit that.
So, this was just me letting off steam and clearing my thoughts. Im a bit of a mess today. I dont expect any replies to this, as it's very rambled and confusing. Just getting it down helped.