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  1. #71
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    Default Learn your place?

    Quote Originally Posted by Mathermy View Post
    Can I be frank? I find it really hard to believe that he wouldn't know. It seems like it's more than a simple case of 'not bonding' with the child, from your many posts about him you appear to truly detest him, how can you think that he wouldn't pick up on your animosity towards him?

    I feel very strongly that step parents have a super heavy burden and empathise greatly with the struggles that they inevitably face, but it's hard not to worry about the welfare of any child who is detested by one of his primary care givers. Were you this vocal about your dislike of him during your courtship? I honestly don't know how any good parent could marry someone that hated their child
    Yes, you can be frank. As I am reagrding this issue. His welfare is fine. Thanks for your concern.
    Please don't assume that because I don't love him that I therefore must detest him?
    He doesn't know. Myself and my husband are 100% certain of that.
    I do my very best to make sure he doesn't.
    I don't "hate" him and resent you thinking that my husband shouldn't have married me because I didn't love his child. Life isn't that simple I'm afraid.
    Obviously being vocal and honest about my blended family on BH has once again been taken with accusations and assumptions.
    Last edited by faroutbrusselsprout; 10-12-2012 at 13:32.

  2. #72
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    Default Learn your place?

    Quote Originally Posted by Jarylee View Post
    I'm not putting anyone at fault by saying this.....

    But reading this thread makes me realise why so many young people struggle to find their place in the world
    It's sad isn't it.
    I'm so glad my husband and I are at peace and work together as a team to make sure all our children never feel like that.
    I'm lucky that we are such great communicators and constantly talk about our blended family. I really feel for those families that can't work together.

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  4. #73
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    Yawn. His welfare is fine. Thanks for your concern.
    Please don't assume that because I don't love him that I therefore must detest him?
    He doesn't know. Myself and my husband are 100% certain of that.
    I do my very best to make sure he doesn't.
    I don't "hate" him and resent you thinking that my husband shouldn't have married me because I didn't love his child. Life isn't that simple I'm afraid.
    Obviously being vocal and honest about my blended family on BH has once again been taken with accusations and assumptions.



    You are habitually vocal about your feelings about step parenting and your step son, you don't seem shy in the slightest about your feelings which is why I felt you wouldn't mind answering the question. It doesn't seem like you care what people think so why get peeved when asked about it?

    My question was what makes you so sure that he doesn't know?

    I don't think your husband shouldn't have married you , I asked if you were this open about your feelings before you were married or if this was an issue that developed after the fact because like I said, I don't understand how you could sign up for a lifetime with someone who severely resents your child.

    I'm sorry that I have misinterpreted your posts, I've seen so many over the years and nothing to suggest you find anything redeeming about the child at all, which is why I had the perception that you hated him. I've only heard you say how much you dislike him, and why.

  5. #74
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    hmmmm personally I just think a child only has one mum and one dad and noone else should be called mum or dad but that child's real parents that they know as their parents.

    My brother hasn't seen 4 of his kids for 5yrs, yes he has been a crap of a father but he is still their father, 3 of the 4 kids don't call their mum's boyfriend who have been part of their lives for years now dad because he isn't their dad although he has raised them during this time. But he is he only dad the 4th child has known so he calls him dad which is different because he has never met his real dad, doesn't know him.

    Step parents can be very involved in the upbringing of their step children without them having to call them mum or dad.

  6. #75
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    Default Learn your place?

    Quote Originally Posted by Mathermy View Post
    You are habitually vocal about your feelings about step parenting and your step son, you don't seem shy in the slightest about your feelings which is why I felt you wouldn't mind answering the question. It doesn't seem like you care what people think so why get peeved when asked about it?

    My question was what makes you so sure that he doesn't know?

    I don't think your husband shouldn't have married you , I asked if you were this open about your feelings before you were married or if this was an issue that developed after the fact because like I said, I don't understand how you could sign up for a lifetime with someone who severely resents your child.

    I'm sorry that I have misinterpreted your posts, I've seen so many over the years and nothing to suggest you find anything redeeming about the child at all, which is why I had the perception that you hated him. I've only heard you say how much you dislike him, and why.
    I get peeved when people misinterpret what I write and say things that are just not true.
    I don't "hate" him. Do I hate how difficult life can be as a step parent? Absolutely.

    I can honestly say. I have never once said I dislike my SS.
    I am very open about the fact that I don't love him, nor have a connection with him.
    Very different in my opinion.
    To answer your question.
    I am an adult who is very aware of my feelings and therefore am able to articulate appropriate behaviour and actions around my SS to prevent him ever knowing that I don't love him or enjoy being in his company.
    I also have a very open and honest husband who I am able to communicate and talk through issues regarding our family.
    I have never connected with him and my husband is appreciative of how well I deal with it and how well we both make it work despite my lack of feeling toward SS
    As I have mentioned previously, life isn't all roses. My husband fell in love with me, warts and all. The fact I never connected with his child is one of those warts.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jarylee View Post
    I'm not putting anyone at fault by saying this.....

    But reading this thread makes me realise why so many young people struggle to find their place in the world
    children not finding their place in the world is a consequence of a lack of nurture from the adults in their life. This is not the exclusive domain of blended families, it can happen in any family!

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    babybumblebee  (10-12-2012),Benji  (10-12-2012),Izy  (10-12-2012)

  10. #77
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    Default Learn your place?

    Quote Originally Posted by BlackEyedPea View Post
    children not finding their place in the world is a consequence of a lack of nurture from the adults in their life. This is not the exclusive domain of blended families, it can happen in any family!
    So true! Won't somebody think of the poor poor step children!

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    Default Learn your place?

    I think it would be something that evolves over time.

    In my own situation part of the reason I married dh is that I believed he would be an excellent step father and he has a,ways been very loving to her. Unfortunately it wasn't that simple, for example I wouldn't let him discipline her for things because I could see it was confusing for her (and probably me) so it made her feel like her new step dad was angry at her which is scarier than a father who has been there from birth.. Anyway so I sort of constrained him from stepping fully into that role. Also because we went through a bad patch he probably wasnt sure about his place in my life sometimes, let alone hers.

    I think it's all quite uncertain and it's harder to negotiate the different boundaries and relationships, a 'straightforward' nuclear family situation (when it's a functional and health one) is a bit more clear cut.

    Maybe it would be a good idea if people could access some guidance on how to set up this stuff from the get go instead of trying to muddle it out blind,

  12. #79
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    Quote Originally Posted by faroutbrusselsprout View Post
    I get peeved when people misinterpret what I write and say things that are just not true.
    I don't "hate" him. Do I hate how difficult life can be as a step parent? Absolutely.

    I can honestly say. I have never once said I dislike my SS.
    I am very open about the fact that I don't love him, nor have a connection with him.
    Very different in my opinion.
    To answer your question.
    I am an adult who is very aware of my feelings and therefore am able to articulate appropriate behaviour and actions around my SS to prevent him ever knowing that I don't love him or enjoy being in his company.
    I also have a very open and honest husband who I am able to communicate and talk through issues regarding our family.
    I have never connected with him and my husband is appreciative of how well I deal with it and how well we both make it work despite my lack of feeling toward SS
    As I have mentioned previously, life isn't all roses. My husband fell in love with me, warts and all. The fact I never connected with his child is one of those warts.
    Fair enough.

    Honestly, I don't know you from a bar of soap and have nothing against you personally so no reason to want to tick you off, it was seeing the things that you have written (I don't mean today, I mean cumulatively over time) that gave me that impression.

    I guess bubhub feels like a safe space for people to vent their less hearts and roses feelings, but if that's all people are seeing than it can lead to assumptions and an inaccurate view of a situation.

    I apologise, but am glad that I asked because honestly who wants to think there are kids out there who are hated by those who are entrusted with their care? I don't care whose child it is, they all deserve to be treated with love, compassion and kindness.

  13. #80
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    Default Learn your place?

    I agree. I had no idea that I would never ever love my SS. I waited and waited and it just never happened.
    Maybe my husband was hoping the same.
    However nearly 8yrs later we both accept that it's as good as its going to get.
    I just use BH as a good venting board to let some of my feelings out that I keep so well hidden IRL!


 

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