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  1. #61
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    Default Learn your place?

    I agree and also disagree with your post.
    I think it's an unrealistic expectation to think that step parents should treat kids equally.
    I think the term "equal" gets thrown around a lot and people are jumping up and down thinking there is some sort of injustice.
    I feel really strongly about people being allowed to be open and honest that all children from a blended family are different. The love and bond each parent has with each child is a seperate entity.
    I know I 'click' with one of my three children more so than the other two. It's just a personality thing.
    I don't feel guilty about it and nor should I.
    Just like I don't feel guilty about never clicking at all with my SS.
    It's a taboo subject that needs to be addressed sometimes.
    I don't have anything close to a meaningful relationship with him and I never will.
    I will not be held responsible for the way my step son "blooms into adulthood" or his happiness (which he is). It has no relevance on my feelings toward him.
    He is a product of his conception and circumstances. The truth is he will never be "equal" to my children in what life has to offer.
    Just like my children will never be "equal" to other children who experience even greater financial freedom, travel etc etc.
    He will be never be equal to the way I feel about the children I birthed.
    And this is all Ok and fine. He will be absolutely fine.
    He will have no lasting effects just because his step mother didn't love him.
    Life isn't all roses especially in step families.
    Life is tough and people need to stop crying about the poor step children.

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  3. #62
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    I'd be so hurt if my son's FOB had more children and treated DS like a second rate citizen. Unfortunately, I have no doubt this would be the case but it would hurt none the less. Equally, I'd be devastated if I had a child with DP and he showed obvious favour for our biological child and made my DS uncomfortable.

    I do think it's unfair that he has such a crappy dad. I will never stop feeling bad for that.

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  5. #63
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    Default Learn your place?

    I think children who are by and large loved and feel secure have a certain amount of resilience and can cope with some hurts and so on. But I think it is the responsibility of an adult who takes on, and it's ALWAYS by choice for the adult, a role in a child's life to ensure the child feels valued and accepted.

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  7. #64
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    Default Learn your place?

    Quote Originally Posted by Benji View Post
    I'd be so hurt if my son's FOB had more children and treated DS like a second rate citizen. Unfortunately, I have no doubt this would be the case but it would hurt none the less. Equally, I'd be devastated if I had a child with DP and he showed obvious favour for our biological child and made my DS uncomfortable.

    I do think it's unfair that he has such a crappy dad. I will never stop feeling bad for that.
    That's absolutely understandable.
    I hope you didn't think my post was condoning any of those situations.
    Given life's circumstances DH has been unable to form an "equal" bond with his first son compared to his subsequent children.
    Due to distance and the events surrounding SS's conception it just doesn't even compare to then choosing to have children in your 30's with the person you have married.
    And I'm saying this is all ok.
    DH does the absolute very very best he can with all his children.

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  9. #65
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    Default Learn your place?

    Quote Originally Posted by Chew the Mintie View Post
    I think children who are by and large loved and feel secure have a certain amount of resilience and can cope with some hurts and so on. But I think it is the responsibility of an adult who takes on, and it's ALWAYS by choice for the adult, a role in a child's life to ensure the child feels valued and accepted.
    And that can be done in various ways. It doesn't mean I must force myself to love and bond with a child. He would assume that I do love him just because I'm his step mother and I would never tell him otherwise.

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    Default Learn your place?

    I agree, nobody can force feelings etc .... I mean some people don't even feel a strong bond with their own biological child! But I think as adults we need to be aware of creating a secure home for children, so they feel confident about their place etc... In my situation dh and I met when my daughter was 9 and she is now 14 in a few days, it's obviously never going to be the same dynamic as people who've been in a parent child relationship from birth or very early

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  12. #67
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    Quote Originally Posted by faroutbrusselsprout View Post
    That's absolutely understandable.
    I hope you didn't think my post was condoning any of those situations.
    Given life's circumstances DH has been unable to form an "equal" bond with his first son compared to his subsequent children.
    Due to distance and the events surrounding SS's conception it just doesn't even compare to then choosing to have children in your 30's with the person you have married.
    And I'm saying this is all ok.
    DH does the absolute very very best he can with all his children.
    I get what you mean Equality between the children is extremely important to me as a protective mumma bear, I was young and naive and stupid when I had DS but I really want him to have the same opportunities as DP's and my future babe - the difference here is that DS lives with us so this is possible. It wouldn't be possible if he lived with his biological father, actually he'd probably be destined for a pretty crappy life, so I do see there can be differences.

  13. #68
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    I'm not putting anyone at fault by saying this.....

    But reading this thread makes me realise why so many young people struggle to find their place in the world

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  15. #69
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    And that can be done in various ways. It doesn't mean I must force myself to love and bond with a child. He would assume that I do love him just because I'm his step mother and I would never tell him otherwise.
    Can I be frank? I find it really hard to believe that he wouldn't know. It seems like it's more than a simple case of 'not bonding' with the child, from your many posts about him you appear to truly detest him, how can you think that he wouldn't pick up on your animosity towards him?

    I feel very strongly that step parents have a super heavy burden and empathise greatly with the struggles that they inevitably face, but it's hard not to worry about the welfare of any child who is detested by one of his primary care givers. Were you this vocal about your dislike of him during your courtship? I honestly don't know how any good parent could marry someone that hated their child

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  17. #70
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    Children can still be loved and accepted without identifying the person as their mother or father...calling them by name is not an insult to this! It goes without saying that a step-parent/partner should unquestionably accept and care for their new partner's children. But unless they have raised them as their own then they are not their parent and should not expect to be identified as so. And it's highly disrespectful if the step-parent was to encourage it!

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