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  1. #131
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    I can't imagine how I'd bring it up with DS that his step mum doesn't love him as one of her own... that would be awkward. She doesn't have her own though thankfully.

    Unfortunately for my DS he doesn't have two biological parents who would move heaven and earth for him - he has a mother and 'step' father (we're not married) who would do that, and a dad who couldn't give a poo. I do think that in situations where children have two very involved parents a step parent could take a supporting role, as opposed to taking the child on as his/her own. I really feel if I had support from ex with regard to discipline, schooling, life choices, etc I wouldn't need to rely on DP so much for it.

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    SassyMummy  (11-12-2012)

  3. #132
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    I am not a step parent but was a step child for many years. My step father came into my life when i was about 9/10. My father had/has always been a major part of my life and an amazing parent even when living a fair distance away.
    At no time do I ever remeber having the expectation that my step father should love me. We lived with him, we spent time together as a 'family', he helped us with our homework etc but I never expected to be loved by him as he wasn't my dad. So I honestly don't think it is a horrible thing if FOBS's SS does know that she doesn't love him. It is unrealistic to think that every step parent is going to love their step child, just as it is unrealistic to think we should love every adult in our lives. Some people just do not click in that way. I very much like the fact that FOBS is honest about her relationship with her SS. I can't imagine how many step parents out there are feeling guilty because they can't 'make' themselves love their step child. Life just isn't that simple.

    I also think step parents who 'claim' step children as theirs is wrong in some instances and yes they should learn their place. In the instance where there are 2 loving parents and the step parent is relatively new on the scene, has very little to do with the actual child raising it is wrong. For instance my mothers new husband took my 15 year old sister to his work after having met her 30 mins before and introduced her as 'our daughter'. this was very very wrong. I think the example op is wrong and feel for the mother. I also feel very strongly about step parents who ask or expect their step children to call them mum or dad if the bio parent is still on the scene, i think it is disrespectful and would be very hurtful to the bio parent.
    Last edited by jb23; 11-12-2012 at 21:28. Reason: spelling errors

  4. #133
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    I have wanted to ask this question for a while, but haven't for fear of offending, but I'm going to lol This is not a dig, or trying to offend but rather the opposite - just trying to understand the SP POV.

    Most SP's (I would think) know they don't love the SK's before they marry or have kids to their partner. I agree, it's very common for them to not love the SK, and I also agree with some points that there are so many pressures and expectations to love them, and when you don't there must be something wrong with you..

    So to the question to those that don't just not love their SK but kind of dislike them..... when you married/went defacto with your partner, surely you knew you disliked them and hated the SP role? Yet many go on to marry anyway. Is it bc you thought the feelings would change? that you could overcome things? has it gotten worse after getting married?

    I guess I'm just trying to politely understand why people enter marriage and babies with someone who already has kids they dislike and they hate being a SP? I hope I didn't word that badly lol

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    Cleigh  (12-12-2012)

  6. #134
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    threechooks is offline If my spelling annoys you that's your problem.... I have better things to do than proofread !
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    Delirium - I always hoped it would get better. But SK doesn't visit often, so she is not a big part of our lives. It still might get better. When she is an adult and less under the influence of her mother we might have a better, different and more open relationship.

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    delirium  (11-12-2012)

  8. #135
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    Default Learn your place?

    Like 3chooks, I just hoped "I'd get over it" and grow to love him... But I just didn't.
    It was extremely naive of me to think it would just happen. It's just gotten harder and harder over the past 7.5 years.
    I'm not sure why exactly but he just grew further and further away due to considerable distance and me creating my own family and having more babies. He just didn't register in that "creation" if that makes sense? Not through anything malicious, it just didn't occur to me.
    Like when I write a card people it actually never occurred to me to put his name on it
    I just write Brusselsprout, DH, DS1, DS2 and DD.
    And I still don't depending on the card. Things just never became automatic and never evolved.
    Does that make any sense??

  9. #136
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    Yep it makes sense I appreciate you both replying with such honesty, ty

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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    I have wanted to ask this question for a while, but haven't for fear of offending, but I'm going to lol This is not a dig, or trying to offend but rather the opposite - just trying to understand the SP POV.

    Most SP's (I would think) know they don't love the SK's before they marry or have kids to their partner. I agree, it's very common for them to not love the SK, and I also agree with some points that there are so many pressures and expectations to love them, and when you don't there must be something wrong with you..

    So to the question to those that don't just not love their SK but kind of dislike them..... when you married/went defacto with your partner, surely you knew you disliked them and hated the SP role? Yet many go on to marry anyway. Is it bc you thought the feelings would change? that you could overcome things? has it gotten worse after getting married?

    I guess I'm just trying to politely understand why people enter marriage and babies with someone who already has kids they dislike and they hate being a SP? I hope I didn't word that badly lol
    With my ex partners son He was a cutie and I liked him, but when we became a family the reality sunk in that he wasn't this cute angel lol.

    I did love him and raised him like my own but I think things change when you actually become a family and the every day stresses, then add in ex's that sometimes meddle with the kids and I can see where it can be very difficult.

  11. #138
    HugsBunny's Avatar
    HugsBunny is offline Once upon a time there was a bunny.........
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    Default Learn your place?

    FOBS do you think it would have been different if he'd lived with you?

    I often wonder if the step mums feel that way because the kids are usually only there every second weekend, and perhaps it's easier for step dads to form that bond because they end up spending more time with the kids.

    Is it a time factor more than anything?

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  13. #139
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    Quote Originally Posted by threechooks View Post
    Delirium - I always hoped it would get better. But SK doesn't visit often, so she is not a big part of our lives. It still might get better. When she is an adult and less under the influence of her mother we might have a better, different and more open relationship.
    Quote Originally Posted by faroutbrusselsprout View Post
    Like 3chooks, I just hoped "I'd get over it" and grow to love him... But I just didn't.
    It was extremely naive of me to think it would just happen. It's just gotten harder and harder over the past 7.5 years.
    I'm not sure why exactly but he just grew further and further away due to considerable distance and me creating my own family and having more babies. He just didn't register in that "creation" if that makes sense? Not through anything malicious, it just didn't occur to me.
    Like when I write a card people it actually never occurred to me to put his name on it
    I just write Brusselsprout, DH, DS1, DS2 and DD.
    And I still don't depending on the card. Things just never became automatic and never evolved.
    Does that make any sense??
    Do you think that would be different if the children lived with you and only visited the BM? Maybe the not having a lot of time to get to know them?

  14. #140
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    Default Learn your place?

    Quote Originally Posted by HugsBunny View Post
    FOBS do you think it would have been different if he'd lived with you?

    I often wonder if the step mums feel that way because the kids are usually only there every second weekend, and perhaps it's easier for step dads to form that bond because they end up spending more time with the kids.

    Is it a time factor more than anything?
    Possibly? If he had lived with us full time from day one, I may not have still connected with him on personality level but probably would feel like we had a relationship.
    I barely saw him for the first 2 years as I worked w/e's.
    And he was/is raised incredibly different to my children. His mother and I are polar opposites in everything.
    He doesn't eat the same food as us and has very different life experiences which have moulded him etc etc
    To see a child a few hours every month whom you have nothing in common gives no foundation to create any type of r/s.


 

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