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  1. #121
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    and all that the Lorax left here in this mess was a small pile of rocks with the one word...UNLESS
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    The tricky thing is when the bio parents are still in the picture. I've been in my step childrens' lives since they were 2 and 4 (they're now 17 and 19). My own two children feature very differently in my life. My children only have 2 parents to give them love, whereas my step children have a mother, a father, a step mother and a step father. From that, it would almost seem unreasonable for me to treat my step children the same as my own as they do still have a mother of their own.

    It's a very different situation when one of the bioparents is no longer around.

    FTR, I do still involve my step children in our lives but now they're teenagers, it's become less, but the relationship is different.

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    Default Re: Learn your place?

    We're trying to get my teenage (18 & 16) step children to be less "clingy," more mature, responsible and to do normal teenage stuff like visiting friends, hanging out at the shops or skate park, getting a part time job, etc.

    The problem is their mother is the primary care giver (we have them every other weekend & at other points in the year) and she doesn't allow or encourage them to do these things - she even lets them stay home from school whenever they want - which seems to be at least 1 day per week if not for several days at a time!

    My husband (their father) speaks to them every night they're not with us on the phone, and we are both so frustrated at the excuses they give for not being at school and not making an effort. We are both very much on the same page about the importance of their education, but we cannot seem to convince their mother to stop allowing them to slack off. The boys have admitted it's very easy for them to get her to let them stay home; we've asked them countless times not to - tried reward systems and everything but it continues.

    She only works a few hours a week on a casual basis (and not every week either) so her centrelink doesn't get affected; but basically lives off a combination of her single parent payments, maintenance we pay and the carers support pension she gets for our eldest who has a disability. She even has his disability support pension paid straight into her bank account. All up she gets paid around the same that I do working full time - it's such a poor example for the boys of a work ethic. And yes, with all the funding and support services she gets for the eldest, she could easily work full time herself - there are no excuses in this case.

    Obviously it's not an abusive situation and the teenagers are getting what they want (only going to school when they feel like it), but we're concerned this will negatively affect their futures. We've all heard the saying "mother knows best", but what if she doesn't and refuses to listen? How do you cope and stay sane when you feel that the bio parent isn't doing the right thing by the kids??

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    Default Learn your place?

    Obviously it's not an abusive situation and the teenagers are getting what they want (only going to school when they feel like it), but we're concerned this will negatively affect their futures. We've all heard the saying "mother knows best", but what if she doesn't and refuses to listen? How do you cope and stay sane when you feel that the bio parent isn't doing the right thing by the kids??[/QUOTE]

    There's almost nothing you can do, we deal with this on a regular basis. We now focus our efforts on encouraging the kids to do the right thing with very specific instructions.

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    Arlais  (11-12-2012)

  5. #124
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    Default Re: Learn your place?

    We're trying to get my teenage (18 & 16) step children to be less "clingy," more mature, responsible and to do normal teenage stuff like visiting friends, hanging out at the shops or skate park, getting a part time job, etc.

    The problem is their mother is the primary care giver (we have them every other weekend & at other points in the year) and she doesn't allow or encourage them to do these things - she even lets them stay home from school whenever they want - which seems to be at least 1 day per week if not for several days at a time!

    My husband (their father) speaks to them every night they're not with us on the phone, and we are both so frustrated at the excuses they give for not being at school and not making an effort. We are both very much on the same page about the importance of their education, but we cannot seem to convince their mother to stop allowing them to slack off. The boys have admitted it's very easy for them to get her to let them stay home; we've asked them countless times not to - tried reward systems and everything but it continues.

    She only works a few hours a week on a casual basis (and not every week either) so her centrelink doesn't get affected; but basically lives off a combination of her single parent payments, maintenance we pay and the carers support pension she gets for our eldest who has a disability. She even has his disability support pension paid straight into her bank account. All up she gets paid around the same that I do working full time - it's such a poor example for the boys of a work ethic. And yes, with all the funding and support services she gets for the eldest, she could easily work full time herself - there are no excuses in this case.

    Obviously it's not an abusive situation and the teenagers are getting what they want (only going to school when they feel like it), but we're concerned this will negatively affect their futures. We've all heard the saying "mother knows best", but what if she doesn't and refuses to listen? How do you cope and stay sane when you feel that the bio parent isn't doing the right thing by the kids??

  6. #125
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    I think the problem is that, in this case...it does seem to be done with malicious intent and nothing to benefit the kids.

    In our case....DS calls my DH daddy...he started it when he was 2 and I stopped him, stopped him again at 3...but when he asked at 4 and he could clearly articulate the diff between step and bio and why he wanted to...i said yes.

    Ex at that stage saw DS maybe 1 or 2 times a year.

    Now Ex does see him at least once a month....but, DS is now 8 and DH is still daddy.

    My DH would never go onto social media and laud on about "his boy DS" etc. Not because ex would see, but ex's family would as we are all friends on FB. DH would not do it because he doesn't need to be in people's face about the relationship he has with DS..,he doesn't need public acclaim to prove his stauts. He would also not do it because he is respectful of my ex.

    Now we have DD as well, DH treats them the same. And they will always be equal as far as wills and inheritance....because we don't want something stupid like money and possessions to come between them if we pass. We want them to be able to come together and grieve and support each other with no worry of one not feeling loved or equal. I don't care what happens in ex's house because DS does not see his brother and sister over there the same as his sister here.

    I found out that ex's new wife was claiming DS was her son on FB (because she kept coming up as a "suggested friend") and I called ex and told him to make her remove it. She had no right to claim him as her son....she had seen him maybe once every 6 months or so for years and he certainly does not view her as his mother. I am his mother and he lives with me! If he chose to call her mum while he was there, i would be very surprised but would have no issue. If she chose to pop it all over public media...i would have an issue.

    I do think all people need to respect each other and although blended families can be tricky...claiming ownership to some one else's child on public media sites is pretty stupid and disrespectful and a very easy thing NOT to do!

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    I think when people talk about equality for step children they are mostly referring to equality within your house when they are over. As in, not one set of rules for one child, another for the other children. A lot of step children are made to feel different or that they are visiting guests, I think this is to what people are referring.

    As for the love, as mentioned earlier, a lot of parents feel differently about their own biological children. It's up to individual families to work out their feelings... I know my DP loves DS as his own. His feelings toward DS are no different to someone who adopt a child and yes they can love them as their own depite not knowing them since day one or being involved in the birth.

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    Default Learn your place?

    My stepfather married my mum when I was two. They always tried to make my birth father part of my life but he was largely absent and uninterested.

    I consider my "stepfather" to be my father and called him dad my whole life. He raised me. I don't think having a more involved birth father would have changed that as it doesn't have to be a competition.

    Still in the case you mentioned the mother may still have some hurt feelings and lingering resentment regarding marriage break up so it's hard. Probably not the "right" reaction for the kids but worthy of compassion.

  9. #128
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    Default Learn your place?

    Quote Originally Posted by Arlais View Post
    We're trying to get my teenage (18 & 16) step children to be less "clingy," more mature, responsible and to do normal teenage stuff like visiting friends, hanging out at the shops or skate park, getting a part time job, etc.

    The problem is their mother is the primary care giver (we have them every other weekend & at other points in the year) and she doesn't allow or encourage them to do these things - she even lets them stay home from school whenever they want - which seems to be at least 1 day per week if not for several days at a time!

    My husband (their father) speaks to them every night they're not with us on the phone, and we are both so frustrated at the excuses they give for not being at school and not making an effort. We are both very much on the same page about the importance of their education, but we cannot seem to convince their mother to stop allowing them to slack off. The boys have admitted it's very easy for them to get her to let them stay home; we've asked them countless times not to - tried reward systems and everything but it continues.

    She only works a few hours a week on a casual basis (and not every week either) so her centrelink doesn't get affected; but basically lives off a combination of her single parent payments, maintenance we pay and the carers support pension she gets for our eldest who has a disability. She even has his disability support pension paid straight into her bank account. All up she gets paid around the same that I do working full time - it's such a poor example for the boys of a work ethic. And yes, with all the funding and support services she gets for the eldest, she could easily work full time herself - there are no excuses in this case.

    Obviously it's not an abusive situation and the teenagers are getting what they want (only going to school when they feel like it), but we're concerned this will negatively affect their futures. We've all heard the saying "mother knows best", but what if she doesn't and refuses to listen? How do you cope and stay sane when you feel that the bio parent isn't doing the right thing by the kids??
    Well soon she will lose a big chunk of income so she may have to work that may help make her have to work but unfortunately it may be too late kids have already learned how easy it is to live off welfare. Just keep at it there may still be hope.

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    Arlais  (11-12-2012)

  11. #129
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    Default Learn your place?

    Quote Originally Posted by Hollywood View Post
    FOBS, you know what? I honestly think your step son WILL be just fine. As long as he has plenty of people in his life who do love him a lot (particularly his bio parents), then he really truly will be fine. It doesn't sound like he's being neglected at all.
    Thanks LG.
    I completely agree. We would all be taking part in some fairly aggressive counselling if any of us thought SS was anything but fine. And the thought that anyone thinks he is neglected is actually really upsetting.
    He has a very supportive family, a wonderful step father who's family has taken him on as their own and he has a great relationship with DH.
    He has 3 younger 1/2 brothers and 2, (almost 3) younger 1/2 sisters who all
    adore him.

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    Default Learn your place?

    Quote Originally Posted by ermergerd View Post
    I kind of really have a problem with kids being taught that they should assume a step parent loves them as much as they love their own children. It puts an unrealistic expectation on the parent and sets the child up for rejection when (and it happens more often than not) it doesnt happen.

    I think children should be taught that no a step parent may not love them as much as their real parents and that it is PERFECTLY fine. they need to be taught why and it doesn't mean its their fault. That they have their own parents who loves them more than anybody else on the planet and that is how its meant to be.
    Although controversial, I agree with this post.
    I would hate my SS to one day be "shocked" at the fact that I don't see him as one of my own. I hope he is now old enough to see how the dynamics of our family work.
    I can see both sides though!
    The fact that DH sees my Ds1 as his own has just organically developed and if DS thought there was any difference with how DH felt about him, it would crush him.
    But I've never had that with SS and he seems at peace with our dynamic.


 

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