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  1. #111
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    This is from something im reading very valid.

    "Let me say this out loud: If you don’t love your stepchildren, you are not defective. There is nothing wrong with you. If you’re a stepmom that felt maternal love towards her children right away, count yourself as lucky because for the rest of us, it takes time and for some of us, it never happens. And for all of you that are shocked by that, please know that just because we don’t love our stepkids doesn’t mean that we aren’t going to do right by them. Get the images of Cinderella out of your mind, ‘cause it’s just not gonna happen."

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  3. #112
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    Default Learn your place?

    I'm a 'step mum' where my DPs DDs live with their mum full time. I'm just known by my first name n it doesn't faze me either way-whatever the girls n their family's r comfortable with. Doesn't mean I love them any less-I see them as an extension of my DP but think its easier to compartmentalise the situation as we live in different states n talk on Skype. I'm not sure how the dynamic would differ if we lived closer but I know I am a step mum, I respect they have both a mummy n a daddy who love them both very much n I can only hope when they eventually visit etc that they enjoy my company

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  5. #113
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    mummabec is offline I could hold you for a million years, to make you feel my love
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    This is a really interesting read! Honestly I was (am..long story) a step child, and hearing it from the parents eyes is very revealing, and gives me an insight I hadn't really thought of before.

    My mum repartnered when I was about 6 and then about 4 years laters mums DH's ex died and his kids came and lived with us.
    Up until this point we had all lived in relative harmony (as much as there can be in a blended family). Once his kids lived with us it instantly became obvious how differently my then Stepfather saw us.

    His daughter could never do any wrong and his son, who was an absolute little **** who would goad his dad to react, would barely get any discipline. While if my sister or brother looked at anyone the wrong way they would be severly disciplined to the point that at times it was abusive.

    I managed to not ever really be in the firing line and to this day I am not really sure why, maybe because I stood up to him? maybe I just flew under the radar (I was that kind of kid).

    My mum on the other hand treated his kids exactly the same as us to the point that when she finally left his abusive **** his son lived with her for 4 months after the separation as he preferred to live with her.

    My mum since has had 2 further long term partners all with there own issues, but I think since I was 15 when SF2 came on the scene and 22 when SF3 came on the scene they have never really tried to be fathers. They more tried to be friends and that I'm ok with.

    I would hope that if I ever find myself in a blended family I am able to find a way to love my SK's and my partner would love mine. I do understand not liking kids though (one of my BFF's kids springs to mind). I feel for all parties in these situations. It cannot be easy to walk into a kids life and start trying to take on a parental role, just as it's not easy for the kids to understand why there may be differences.

  6. #114
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    I agree with those who say that a step-parent shouldn't HAVE to love their step-child. I do think though, that how you feel and how you act need not be linked. When DP and I have children, I suspect he'll feel more bonded to them than to DD (who is not his), but I have told him in no uncertain terms that I don't CARE if he loves the other kids more... they must all be treated exactly the same way. End of story. The same goes for his parents - if they can't treat DD the same as they'll treat the children DP created with me, then they can go to hell. They don't need to love DD, but they will treat her the same, or they can stop seeing all of them.

    I dislike SIL. I dislike SIL's child. I just don't like her, she's not a good kid and is a right little brat who everyone lets get away with appalling behaviour because when she was a baby and toddler she was sick. She's not sick anymore, but they still act like she is, and let her be a horrible little thing. I like SILs son though, who is vivacious and outgoing and funny. I met him when he was a newborn. I treat them both the same though. It takes MUCH more effort to be friendly to SIL's daughter, but I still make that effort. I expect the same effort to be made for my children, if someone prefers one to the rest. I won't be accepting anything less.

    As to those saying a child won't know if they're not loved, if you don't tell them so, I'm not so sure of that. My mother was never abused. She was never hurt. She was well kept. Her parents never said they loved her. Ever. She thinks that they didn't/don't love her, even now as an adult, and her mother died a few years ago. So I'm personally not going to believe that just because you don't say, "Hey, I don't love you," to a kid, they're going to feel loved. It's not the default kids go to. I'd say they'll feel however you make them feel, and as they get older and more cluey, they'll be able to see the subtle signs that you're just not really liking that they exist.

    I imagine it is much easier to love a child you knew from a young age, than it is to enter the life of an older child, with their existing personalities and such, and form a bond that can develop into love. I have no doubt that this love could easily be minimised by having your own child. I will just never believe that your feelings should have anything to do with how that child is treated though.

    I also think it's absolutely important that a child feels loved by his/her father and mother figures. If DD was not in my care full-time (and therefore didn't have much to do with DP) I wouldn't be as worried about his relationship with her as I currently am. I am thrilled to watch them together, and hte little bond they've developed. He is her father figure because her father left. He's the primary male in her life, and I think it's important that she has her own special bond with him. It doesn't have to be the same as it would be if he were her dad, but a special bond is important all the same... because he's in her life full-time and her own father is not in it at all. I couldn't be with him if he didn't much like her... not with DD in my care full-time. I think she is worth far more than that.

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  8. #115
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    Default Learn your place?

    Quote Originally Posted by faroutbrusselsprout View Post
    I agree. I had no idea that I would never ever love my SS. I waited and waited and it just never happened.
    Maybe my husband was hoping the same.
    However nearly 8yrs later we both accept that it's as good as its going to get.
    I just use BH as a good venting board to let some of my feelings out that I keep so well hidden IRL!
    Perhaps you feeling the way you feel is in fact normal as in how I am more closely bonded to some of my children but not to others???

    My eldest DD I think I love her because I have to - I do not particularly like her, we have very different personalities yet my eldest DS I sing his praises constantly as I not only love & adore him I like who he is as a person!!!

  9. #116
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    Default Learn your place?

    Quote Originally Posted by ourbradybunch View Post
    Perhaps you feeling the way you feel is in fact normal as in how I am more closely bonded to some of my children but not to others???

    My eldest DD I think I love her because I have to - I do not particularly like her, we have very different personalities yet my eldest DS I sing his praises constantly as I not only love & adore him I like who he is as a person!!!
    I actually mentioned this exact point a few pages back! I totally agree. I am
    more 'connected' to one of my three children more than the other two. It's probably personality and their ages at the moment, but I do find this particular relationship just "happens".
    I love that you are so honest about it! Thank you!

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    Default Learn your place?

    Quote Originally Posted by faroutbrusselsprout View Post
    I actually mentioned this exact point a few pages back! I totally agree. I am
    more 'connected' to one of my three children more than the other two. It's probably personality and their ages at the moment, but I do find this particular relationship just "happens".
    I love that you are so honest about it! Thank you!
    I've really only talked about that properly to DH or my 2 BFFs who all fortunately feel close to DD & can see her good points. I am very close to my DSD but I think I would be just as close if she was my bio child & that if my bio DD was my step child I would again feel the same

  11. #118
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    Quote Originally Posted by faroutbrusselsprout View Post
    I actually mentioned this exact point a few pages back! I totally agree. I am
    more 'connected' to one of my three children more than the other two. It's probably personality and their ages at the moment, but I do find this particular relationship just "happens".
    I love that you are so honest about it! Thank you!
    FOBS, you know what? I honestly think your step son WILL be just fine. As long as he has plenty of people in his life who do love him a lot (particularly his bio parents), then he really truly will be fine. It doesn't sound like he's being neglected at all.

    I am a step child. My mum met my step dad when I was 12 and they are still together (I'm 35). In the beginning my relationship with my step dad was a bit tense, but that was largely MY fault as I was a moody teenager. All through that my mum and dad made sure I felt loved and despite coming from a 'broken' marriage, I did actually have a fairly stable childhood. I believe that the way my parents handled the whole thing helped me get through it without lasting emotional damage.

    I was well aware that my stepdad probably didn't 'love' me like he did love his two daughters, but honestly I felt so loved by my own parents that they more than made up for it. My stepdad has always been nice to me and we do get along better now, but it honestly doesn't concern me that he loves his bio children more. I wouldn't expect it to be any other way in fact, I see it as totally natural. Each situation is so different.

  12. #119
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    I kind of really have a problem with kids being taught that they should assume a step parent loves them as much as they love their own children. It puts an unrealistic expectation on the parent and sets the child up for rejection when (and it happens more often than not) it doesnt happen.

    I think children should be taught that no a step parent may not love them as much as their real parents and that it is PERFECTLY fine. they need to be taught why and it doesn't mean its their fault. That they have their own parents who loves them more than anybody else on the planet and that is how its meant to be.

  13. #120
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    Default Re: Learn your place?

    I have to say, I do understand that it is unrealistic to expect all step parents to love their step children like their own, but it does make Me a bit sad, my step dad and I are incredibly close and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves me. My real dad is still around and I am close to him too but I have an incredible bond with my step dad. It took a very very long time, at first we had a very strained relationship but now, as an adult, I can honestly say he treats me exactly as he does his other biological children. And I feel incredibly blessed for having him in my life.

    I guess it goes to show though that just because the bond and love isn't there to start with doesn't mean it will never be. If someone told me when my step dad first came on to the scene that him and I would end up as close as we are I would have laughed in their face. I never would have expected it.

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