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  1. #101
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    Quote Originally Posted by shhhsleeping View Post
    I would never let MY kids call his new thing mum. They are MY kids not hers.
    But what happens if they choose too?

  2. #102
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chew the Mintie View Post
    Mathermy and fluffy ducks I would love to hear more from a step child's perspective about all this..
    I guess I might have unreasonably high standards because I am now estranged from my biological mother, do not know my biological father and my step father is my significant parenting figure. I love him and am grateful every day for his strength in being able to accept two grown children from two different fathers as his own.

    To be honest my 'step' brother (I don't think of him as anything other than my blood) wasn't born until I was in high school so it was many years with just us and Dad. I'm sure new children change the equation dramatically.

    I can't say that over the years I haven't noticed some subtle differences in the way he has parented his bio child and us, there seemed to be this unconditional acceptance of my brother and his 'faults' or behaviour that we didn't receive but the further we get from the difficult childhood and teenage years this becomes less and less of an issue.

    We are currently in a situation where we are estranged from my mother but he goes out of his way to be a part of our lives and that of his grandchildren, to me this is the ultimate recognition that he truly does love us of his own accord, completely distinct from his relationship to our mother. As an adult this gives me much comfort, I can't adequately put into words the feeling of being somebodies burden.

    We got lucky in the step parenting stakes but the insecurity and self doubt that comes from being from a broken home exists regardless of even the best step parents efforts. It is the uncanny ability of a child to feel the blame of things completely beyond their control, quite the opposite to plenty of adults who accept no responsibility for their own actions and choices.
    Last edited by Mathermy; 10-12-2012 at 14:20.

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  4. #103
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    I agree Mathermy.... and I think this is the tragedy, that (some) parents don't totally realise the impact they have on children.

    I know my dh didnt realise the impact of the tattoo on his sd. How this is possible I don't know. He doesn't seem to understand his importance to her.

    Anyway this is definitely something to keep working on, of which a part is for me to let go of the reins a bit too.

    Anyway this is definitely something to keep working on.

  5. #104
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlissedOut View Post
    I had resentment towards my dad as it was his job to provide somewhere for me to live, but being my step-mothers house I was very aware that her daughters needs came before mine, so I resented him for being in a position where he couldn't provide for me. She was just doing what a parent does for her child.
    Yep, and this is a very big problem in the whole issue I think - when my step-mother moved in to Dads house it suddenly became her house and my brother and I were suddenly demoted to 'guests'. We couldn't even get a drink from the fridge without her permission. This is and has always been my sore point with her (and my Dad). She refused to recognise that it was our house as much as hers. even as a 4 year-old I thought she was so wrong to treat us that way, as though she was more important in our Dad's life than us. She was desperate for children of her own and when she had them, we lost our bedroom as well so stopped visiting.

    I never expected my step-mother to love me. I did expect some respect and friendliness though, and some space to be alone with our Dad every now and then. Just last year t my own son's first birthday, my Dad finally admitted (to my Mum apparently) that my step-mother had treated us badly as children. About 33 years late Dad! But I am glad he acknowledged it.

    I'm sorry you went through that BlissedOut.

  6. #105
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chew the Mintie View Post
    I agree Mathermy.... and I think this is the tragedy, that (some) parents don't totally realise the impact they have on children.

    I know my dh didnt realise the impact of the tattoo on his sd. How this is possible I don't know. He doesn't seem to understand his importance to her.

    Anyway this is definitely something to keep working on, of which a part is for me to let go of the reins a bit too.

    Anyway this is definitely something to keep working on.
    Honestly it pains me more that some parents just don't care. Children are always the innocent & vulnerable parties in these situations, they have absolutely no control whatsoever and yet they seem to become the whipping boy for all of the adult jealousy, insecurity, resentment and anger.

    While it might be emotionally understandable on some level, I don't think we should ever accept that it's ok or just the child's lot in life for being so unfortunate as to be born to parents who made poor relationship choices.

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    Barnaby  (10-12-2012),Chew the Mintie  (10-12-2012),Gandalf  (10-12-2012)

  8. #106
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    I agree.. I also agree life isn't perfect and that tears and hurt and difficult relationships etc are part of life... but a large part of being strong and resilient enough to cope wtih those things comes from having a secure home environment or at least secure attachments etc so if a child hasn't had those it's pretty tough asking them to handle feeling second-best.

    I'm actually planning on talking to DD about this thread in a general way..

    I found the tattoo thing to be the most heinous thing ever so it's eye opening to see that it's a common sort of thing.

  9. #107
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    Well from the step parents point of view I cant fathom why someone would even consider having a childs name put on their body that is not their child its just a strange concept even if they have been there for most if not all of the childs life. If anything ever happened then im left with this childs name on my body that doesnt even belong to me and im not with their parent? how uncomfortable

  10. #108
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    I had issues when dating with other men, I just got this 'vibe' that they weren't going to be good for DS, or treat him the way he deserves. I was never afraid to give them the boot the second my instincts told me something was wrong.

    Glad I did because I got to meet DP.

    He has never had his own biological child, so I'm not sure how he will feel when he does have one, but he always told me he only wanted one child. He wanted to stop at *my* DS. I managed to nag him into a second one, now he's adament that he wants a baby girl, because "we have a boy". He does genuinely seem to have taken DS on as his own and for this I am glad because DS doesn't exactly have the biological father of the year.

    I think DS will be okay, I would never let on that his dad is a no-hoper (he will discover this in time). But he has a home where we love him and never make him feel like he's not 'ours'.

    It can all be so messy so I'm glad it has been a breeze for us so far. My nightmare is when DS grows up, I worry he will want to live with his dad and his dad will say no.... I actually feel sick thinking about it.

  11. #109
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    I understand that, but I think he shouldn't have put anyone's name on his body rather than so blatantly stamp out his feelings.

    That's part of the deal of being a step-parent. Thinking of how things might impact on the step child.

  12. #110
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    threechooks is offline If my spelling annoys you that's your problem.... I have better things to do than proofread !
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    Thankyou FOB for being so honest. My SD is 15 and I have known her since she was two. I still don't love her. I am hoping one day to have an adult friendship in which she can be honest with me and we will get along but we will just wait and see. Her mother ensures we only see her 6-10 times per year. It's hard to like her sometimes because she reminds me so much of her mother, who I detest. I realise this is not the childs fault. That is just the way I feel. I am always kind to her and do my best to include her but unfortunately she lies a lot to her father - as taught to by her mother. This makes me angry with her, though I never tell her that.
    I can only do my best to be kind and include her in all of our family events. My mother has taken her on as a grandchild and always makes a big deal over her at her birthday and christmas. SD tells my mother stuff she probably wouldn't tell me.

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