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  1. #1
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    Default Insensitive friend (unintentional) whilst ttc

    Hi all,

    So here is my dilemma. I've got a friend who had her baby about 6 months ago. She found out about her unexpected pregnancy around the same time as we started ttc, so we have spent her pregnancy together having a lovely time talking babies/planning baby showers and then when the baby arrived, watching him grow. I had hoped during this time I would fall pregnant but I haven't and to be honest, all the baby chat is now something that I don't enjoy and as a result I actively avoid her. So my problem is I want to keep seeing her but I can't deal with talking baby. What do I do?

    Here are some examples of recent chat we have had, noting that she has a 6 month old baby and I have been ttc for a year and a half having done 3 failed clomid rounds, 2 failed and IUI rounds and probably just about to fail my first Icsi+PGD cycle.... So you can imagine my current mental state

    - 'what weaning technique do you think you will use?'
    - ' have you decided which stroller you want yet?'
    - 'when shall we arrange your baby shower?'
    - 'will you use cloth or disposable nappies?'

    I felt like saying, 'you know what, I'm just hoping my embryos get to day 3 stage, how and when to wean is not really in my thoughts yet, and as far as planning my baby shower goes, it's like planning a wedding when you're single!'

  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by LittleDove View Post
    Hi all,

    So here is my dilemma. I've got a friend who had her baby about 6 months ago. She found out about her unexpected pregnancy around the same time as we started ttc, so we have spent her pregnancy together having a lovely time talking babies/planning baby showers and then when the baby arrived, watching him grow. I had hoped during this time I would fall pregnant but I haven't and to be honest, all the baby chat is now something that I don't enjoy and as a result I actively avoid her. So my problem is I want to keep seeing her but I can't deal with talking baby. What do I do?

    Here are some examples of recent chat we have had, noting that she has a 6 month old baby and I have been ttc for a year and a half having done 3 failed clomid rounds, 2 failed and IUI rounds and probably just about to fail my first Icsi+PGD cycle.... So you can imagine my current mental state

    - 'what weaning technique do you think you will use?'
    - ' have you decided which stroller you want yet?'
    - 'when shall we arrange your baby shower?'
    - 'will you use cloth or disposable nappies?'

    I felt like saying, 'you know what, I'm just hoping my embryos get to day 3 stage, how and when to wean is not really in my thoughts yet, and as far as planning my baby shower goes, it's like planning a wedding when you're single!'
    could you just say straight out, I havent thought about how I will parent yet, at this stage my focus is on actually getting pregnant?

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    Default Insensitive friend (unintentional) whilst ttc

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirby star View Post
    could you just say straight out, I havent thought about how I will parent yet, at this stage my focus is on actually getting pregnant?
    Agree with this! I find it very bizarre that someone would ask questions like that to someone who isn't pregnant yet. I'm usually very calm but I would snap if I was in your shoes. I think you need to be blunt with her to get the message across ASAP.

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    Default Re: Insensitive friend (unintentional) whilst ttc

    How about "a baby shower when I'm 6 months pregnant but the way things are going I will have to get a stroller that has been tried tested with baby still in it from KMart in boganville."

    Seriously though, surely she knows how hurtful that would be.
    Last edited by DesperatelySeekingSleep; 08-12-2012 at 15:27.

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    Default Insensitive friend (unintentional) whilst ttc

    Weird... To be honest I would question what kind of friend she is to be saying such things. My best friend had a miscarriage just before I fell pregnant and subsequently took a long time to fall pregnant and I was so over cautious as not to go on about things when I was pregnant and had bubs and she didn't yet.

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    Default Insensitive friend (unintentional) whilst ttc

    Maybe she is trying to be positive by saying those things? In a "well you'll be pregnant soon so let's start planning" way. Which of course doesn't make it any easier to hear.

    Maybe just let her know that you're finding it hard to talk about those things and would prefer to focus on your ttc journey?

    Good luck

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    Default Insensitive friend (unintentional) whilst ttc

    OP, I think this is a hard one because you have been happy to talk about her journey with her, ideas, offer opinions etc and it has obviously created a wonderful bond between the two of you.

    Perhaps because of the conversations you have had, she doesn't realise how upsetting it is for you to talk about it now and could be confused as to why you are pulling back from her. I would be straight with her about it and tell her exactly how you are feeling.

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    Honestly, I get the emotional baggage of LTTTC, it sucks soooooo bad! But in this case I feel like you set up the dynamic of the relationship early on, talking about babies and stuff became what you do, and now (understandably!!!) you're changing the rules on her.

    Try and be patient in that she wouldn't immediately recognise the shift in the dynamic if you haven't discussed it with her. Try to just be honest and if she is a good friend she will adjust and be more sensitive to your needs, but don't expect her to just know what they are. I truly hope you are successful soon
    Last edited by Mathermy; 09-12-2012 at 06:04.

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    When my daughter was six months old, my world world shrunk to debates about cloth vs. disposables, which babies were doing what, comparing strollers, breastfeeding, sleeping... there wasn't a lot in my life that wasn't to do with minutiae about babies. God, I was freaking boring! But that was all that was going on in my life, and I guess that's why, for so many people, old friends drop away, and new friend's take their place.

    I'm so much better now, even though my last few facebook updates:
    the garden
    DD.
    Parenting.
    DD.
    Murders are douchebags.
    Being back in my hometown.
    DD
    News story.
    DD.

    I'm in my early 20s, so a lot of friends are still posting GETTING DRUNK TONIGHT, WHO IS IN? type posts. So yeah.

    I'm not excusing your friend being insensitive, but in a way for her, there is no other world. And you two were on a path to join the world together.

    I had a pretty frank talk with a male friend this year. We went to high school together, and we have been mates for a very long time. But he's off getting drunk and partying and picking up, and I'm all about the family. The gist of the talk was 'I still care about you, but right now, I get we don't have a lot in common. I feel bad I never comment on your facebook or talk to you, but I have no idea what to say. And I'm cool with that, because maybe, one day, we will be in a similar world again. or maybe not. But whatevers."
    It was nice. It hurt to see other people drift away, but to acknowledge that the love and history was there, just that we were on different paths, and would be for a long time, was nice.

    I had a friend who miscarried two years ago. I personally messaged her (since she is interstate) to say "Sorry I'm insensitive and I splash my daughter all over facebook." We still talk fairly often, so... I guess our friendship has pulled through.

    I hope your friendship pulls through. But I think if you just had an honest talk, or emailed her, that's the best.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mathermy View Post

    Try and be patient in that she wouldn't immediately recognise the shift in the dynamic if you haven't discussed it with her. Try to just be honest and if she is a good friend she will adjust and be more sensitive to your needs, but don't expect her to just know what they are. I truly hope you are successful soon
    I agree with the above from Mathermy.

    People who can have babies easily don't realise how hard it can be for those of us who can't, and lucky them that they never have to go through what we do. I agree with others who have said your friend is most likely trying to be really positive for you but clearly doesn't realise it's upsetting you. Just talk to her and I'm sure, once she knows how you feel, she'll reign back the 'baby talk' and be more aware of your feelings.


 

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