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  1. #1
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    Default suggestions for a parenting plan? Dealing with an on/ off ex? Help and suggestions

    Hey all.

    I'm putting together a parenting plan that I'll get turned into a legal document sooner, rather than later. I just want to know what points I should consider? A lot of this the ex has agreed to last year.... then half way through the year, he changed his mind and didn't want his daughter to move interstate. Now he's fine with it again, as well as the name change... although as we speak, he's trying to get time with DD tomorrow as a "reward" for letting me change her name. (Why? I don't know. But it's her Christmas party at childcare tomorrow, and she's been rehearsing all week for it. I think he likes to feel powerful.)

    As things are now, he's supposed to see her once a week for an hour on Thursday afternoons. But sometimes he will come very early, or not at all. Sometimes he will come on another afternoon. he doesn't call, ever.

    Because he changed his mind after I moved- I was halfway through my first semester at uni, and just signed a lease agreement, I couldn't move back. So my daughter has lived with her grandparents this year. They don't want to rock the boat, so they don't say anything when he's late, or drops in another day. And, whatevs, it's not a big deal, I just wish he'd tell us.

    He doesn't have much to do with his daughter, at all. Normally he drops in, plays with her, and goes off again. When I'm around, he tries to get more time with her, for longer periods, outside of my parents house, which none of us like. In the past he has accidentally hurt our daughter by swinging her upside down by her legs constantly, before she was a year old. He refused to listen to anyone who said she was too young to be swung like that. He doesn't understand why I don't want him taking her swimming at 2pm. He doesn't understand when my daughter has had enough of rough play.

    He doesn't spend much time with her, although he like to show her off. It bothers me, to be honest, that he only ever wants to take her somewhere when he can show her off to his mates and their girlfriends. I think he likes to keep up the illusion that he's a loving dedicated father. He'll drop in for a few minutes, take photos of him and his daughter playing together, then go off again. Then I'll see the photos all over facebook of "LOOK HOW MUCH I LOVE MY SUPER CUTE DAUGHTER."

    So what I want. I want to move to NSW with my daughter. I'm getting it signed this time, so he can't change his mind and screw us over. I have a new partner, who is wonderful with our daughter. life is good, we are happy, yada yada yada. In the perfect world, I wish the ex would conveniently drop down dead... but anyways, since that's not going to happen. I just want the peace for DD and DP and I to be together, without him coming along and throwing muck in our faces. I don't hate the ex, I just wish he would stop seizing any power he has, then discarding it and wandering off. he's like a toddler, honestly. He has admitted to me that sometimes, he does stuff just to be a ****.

    Like I said before, most of this is stuff he's agreed to, but then changed his mind on. Now he's changed it back. Just wondering if there's anything else I should throw in to ensure smooth running? Does anyone else have an ex like this? What do you do when he's on a power trip? I try to wait it out, but sometimes, I don't have the time to wait. I just want to go home to DP, with my daughter, and for the three of us to live under the same roof already...

    (I changed out our names to mother and father. So it reads a bit weirdly, sorry.)

    1. mother has full custody of Willow. Willow will reside with mother seven nights a week, throughout the year.
    2. Willow gets to move to NSW, or where ever her mother lives.
    3. father to respect mother's parenting wishes.
    4. father will come to see her, so long as it doesn’t interfere with her normal day to day family life, not Willow to travel to see him.
    5. In recognition of the added expense, instead of paying $570 a month in child support, father will pay $470 monthly, and mother will pay for all medical costs. This gives allows him an $1,200 towards flights to see her and hotel accommodation.*
    6. father should endeavor to give at least two weeks notice of any plans to visit Willow, or any changes in those plans.
    7. father can see Willow when he is able to.
    8. Willow to spend Christmas and birthdays with her maternal side of the family.
    9. mother has full legal rights/ parenting responsibilities in regards to Willow, ie over her name, religion, schooling, extra circular activities etc.
    10. Should mother pass away before Willow is 18 years old, her parents, automatically became her legal guardians, with full legal rights over Willow.
    11. mother and father will be upfront about who else will be spending time with Willow, ie, live in partners, or friends father brings along on visits to Willow.

    Does it sound like it could provide us with some smooth sailing? DP and I just want to have Willow with us already, and parent her already, and forget about that pesky guy who pops up every now and again and makes our life difficult. We don't mind him visiting, but I don't want to have to consult him over things to do with Willow. He doesn't have any input/ doesn't really care so long as he has a cute daughter to show off every now and again.

    (This is actually a bribe for the move. As soon as I suggested less money he was all over the idea like a rash. DP doesn't care, and feels like once we are married, Willow should become his daughter, ie, take his last name, her father should cease child support, and he should have legal rights over her, not her father. I believe for that to happen, he would have to adopt her, wouldn't he? And her father would have to sign away his rights as a father? Does anyone know? DP and I aren't getting married yet, but it would be good to know.)

    Sorry this is long. But I haven't done this before. So advice, any advice, would be lovely.

  2. #2
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    Also, he's never had her overnight, and doesn't want her overnight. After we broke up, he got rid of all her stuff at his house, so there's nothing for her there, not even a photo of her or a high chair. (It's basically a bachelor pad, nothing there to scare off prospective mates.)

    When asked, Willow, who is 2.5, declares she wants to live with mummy, but likes daddy well enough. She doesn't seem to mind long separations between his visits, and takes them in her stride.

    Basically, if he wants to see her, I want him to make the effort to travel to see her, on her turf, where the people she's familiar with are around.

  3. #3
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    Default suggestions for a parenting plan? Dealing with an on/ off ex? Help and suggestions

    I think you'll find it difficult to get some of those points through court.

    Have you sought legal advice on them and the wording of them?

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    Quote Originally Posted by RmumR View Post
    I think you'll find it difficult to get some of those points through court.

    Have you sought legal advice on them and the wording of them?
    I agree with this.

    There is no provision for contact between visits eg phone calls etc

    There is no such thing as "full custody" these days.

    I would get the legal advice before going into mediation for a parenting plan with those points you have. I think with what you have written he would have a good chance at getting some changes unless he agrees with them and signs them as a consent order. A parenting plan would not be enforceable even if he signs a parenting plan he could go to court to get a more balanced arrangement.

    Hence why I think it is important you show this to a lawyer before putting this parenting plan to him. Unless this is what he wants I don't think a lawyer would recommend HE sign it, that's all.

    Good luck!

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    Default suggestions for a parenting plan? Dealing with an on/ off ex? Help and suggestions

    Legal advice sweetie. This is not something you can draft on your own. Your lawyer is going to know exactly how far to push and where to back off

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    Default suggestions for a parenting plan? Dealing with an on/ off ex? Help and suggestions

    Seeing as you are the one moving away, I think that you'd most likely have to pay of the travel costs for him to see your daughter. Also if you were paying for half the travel costs then you might be more likely to get the bit through about yourself and daughter being able to move where ever at your discretion. Otherwise it's not particularly reasonable to say move to the other side of the country and expect him to be fully responsible for the costs of seeing her. $1200 doesn't go particularly far when it comes to flights and accommodation.

    I also think for both of your sakes it might be wiser to make provisions for him to see the child say one Saturday and Sunday every 6 weeks or something and then add 'or as agreed upon by both parties'. That way everyone knows when he can see her, and its completely on him if he does/doesn't and you can still arrange other times for him to see her between yourselves if you want. Might cause less problems than if he's saying he'd like to see her at 'x' time and you're saying no because you have plans all the time.

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    Default suggestions for a parenting plan? Dealing with an on/ off ex? Help and suggestions

    I speak to a registered mediation organisation who can assist the two of you with coming up with a parenting plan.
    You can then make it formal and lodge it with a court.

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    Wowwwww sorry but you have NO chance of getting most of those points if he decides to fight it. Many of these points are totally unreasonable!

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    Default suggestions for a parenting plan? Dealing with an on/ off ex? Help and suggestions

    Quote Originally Posted by CMF View Post
    Wowwwww sorry but you have NO chance of getting most of those points if he decides to fight it. Many of these points are totally unreasonable!
    I don't think the intention behind most of these points are unreasonable CMF, but they need to be reviewed and modified by a family law solicitor. It's good that OP knows what she wants for her family and is able to articulate it and has put a lot of effort in. She just needs to go that extra step now

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    Default suggestions for a parenting plan? Dealing with an on/ off ex? Help and suggestions

    Wow. No way would that get through court, sorry. If your ex wants access he will get it. A lot of your conditions are unrealistic and unfair, frankly, your kid has a right to spend time with her father.

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