Firstly, I am sorry for starting this new thread, but I have read all the others, and it seems that they started sometime ago and I didn't want to bring back the sadness for others like angelickaren, morganj, lorren and becs, by connecting to those, hence the new thread. My heart goes out to you all. I just really need to get this off my chest.
Today is day three since I found out I had m/c at 7weeks and 6days. My body deceived me though, because I didn't have any bleeding, so each time I went to the toilet (sorry TMI) I felt "great that's another day down until 12 weeks" and would literally cross it off the calendar. DH and I found out on Tuesday, when we went for our very first scan at 10 1/2 weeks with the OB. I feel silly now, it was like I was preparing for a date, all cleanly waxed, moisturised and the right choice of underwear.
To be honest, as lorren asked, I think I knew it wasn't right. I just kept feeling like they would do the scan and the dr would say there is nothing there. It was a pretty overwhelming feeling. And it came true. My pg signs started disappearing from about 9 weeks, however I had cramping from day 1. As it was my first I didn't know what I was supposed to be feeling, and everyone I spoke to kept saying, "everyone is different - so your boobs don't hurt all the time, so you have cramping (that's just the baby settling in), so you don't have morning sickness - maybe you're just having a great pregnancy". So maybe the truth was, I was always going to m/c.
After all everytime someone said congratulations all I could respond with was "well we haven't reached 12 weeks yet". I didn't feel happy and excited. I felt fear of the unknown. I didn't really feel connected with the baby, in fact I couldn't even say the word "baby", I always said "it". I tried to be positive but I knew something wasn't right. I did some healing each night, in the quiet time before sleep, but I also said that it was okay if it wasn't meant to be. But still no bleeding. Each new day meant I was closer to the magic "12 weeks"...more people can get told...it's okay...surely. I feel cheated.
I had a D&C yesterday. I didn't think I could cry that much. But I haven't cried since I awoke in recovery (except for now as I write this post). I keep trying to be logical - "it's for the best. It wasn't meant to be. Pick yourself up. There are worse situations out there, you've read the posts. Don't wallow. 20% of 1st pg m/c. It was only 10 weeks for goodness sake " I tell myself.
But I still feel numb. I feel silly for telling all our family and friends. I feel silly posting this thread as "knewmum", which I picked weeks ago when I joined this site. This was the first grandchild for my parents. I feel I have let them down. I don't understand how I could feel so much for something that we had only known about for 5 weeks.
And the whole time it wasn't even something I could say I yearned for. We only tried to fall pregnant through ego and fear in the first place. I didn't want kids. My husband had to talk me round, he didn't want to be old and look back and regret not having children. I wasn't even sure I was doing the right thing. I was just closing my eyes and jumping off the cliff. What the hell kind of canyon have I jumped into!
I feel scared...and numb...and sad. I feel love for my husband. I feel my family's love more than ever. I feel weird. I feel better for writing this. I feel that things will get brighter. I feel supported. I feel it will take time. I just feel.
Thank you for helping me feel better my anonymous audience. As Scarlett says "Tomorrow is another day!"