First loss

**knewmum** · 02-11-2006 17:47

Hello All

Firstly, I am sorry for starting this new thread, but I have read all the others, and it seems that they started sometime ago and I didn't want to bring back the sadness for others like angelickaren, morganj, lorren and becs, by connecting to those, hence the new thread. My heart goes out to you all. I just really need to get this off my chest.

Today is day three since I found out I had m/c at 7weeks and 6days. My body deceived me though, because I didn't have any bleeding, so each time I went to the toilet (sorry TMI) I felt "great that's another day down until 12 weeks" and would literally cross it off the calendar. DH and I found out on Tuesday, when we went for our very first scan at 10 1/2 weeks with the OB. I feel silly now, it was like I was preparing for a date, all cleanly waxed, moisturised and the right choice of underwear.

To be honest, as lorren asked, I think I knew it wasn't right. I just kept feeling like they would do the scan and the dr would say there is nothing there. It was a pretty overwhelming feeling. And it came true. My pg signs started disappearing from about 9 weeks, however I had cramping from day 1. As it was my first I didn't know what I was supposed to be feeling, and everyone I spoke to kept saying, "everyone is different - so your boobs don't hurt all the time, so you have cramping (that's just the baby settling in), so you don't have morning sickness - maybe you're just having a great pregnancy". So maybe the truth was, I was always going to m/c.

After all everytime someone said congratulations all I could respond with was "well we haven't reached 12 weeks yet". I didn't feel happy and excited. I felt fear of the unknown. I didn't really feel connected with the baby, in fact I couldn't even say the word "baby", I always said "it". I tried to be positive but I knew something wasn't right. I did some healing each night, in the quiet time before sleep, but I also said that it was okay if it wasn't meant to be. But still no bleeding. Each new day meant I was closer to the magic "12 weeks"...more people can get told...it's okay...surely. I feel cheated.

I had a D&C yesterday. I didn't think I could cry that much. But I haven't cried since I awoke in recovery (except for now as I write this post). I keep trying to be logical - "it's for the best. It wasn't meant to be. Pick yourself up. There are worse situations out there, you've read the posts. Don't wallow. 20% of 1st pg m/c. It was only 10 weeks for goodness sake " I tell myself.

But I still feel numb. I feel silly for telling all our family and friends. I feel silly posting this thread as "knewmum", which I picked weeks ago when I joined this site. This was the first grandchild for my parents. I feel I have let them down. I don't understand how I could feel so much for something that we had only known about for 5 weeks.

And the whole time it wasn't even something I could say I yearned for. We only tried to fall pregnant through ego and fear in the first place. I didn't want kids. My husband had to talk me round, he didn't want to be old and look back and regret not having children. I wasn't even sure I was doing the right thing. I was just closing my eyes and jumping off the cliff. What the hell kind of canyon have I jumped into!

I feel scared...and numb...and sad. I feel love for my husband. I feel my family's love more than ever. I feel weird. I feel better for writing this. I feel that things will get brighter. I feel supported. I feel it will take time. I just feel.

Thank you for helping me feel better my anonymous audience. As Scarlett says "Tomorrow is another day!"

**Ruby Slippers** · 02-11-2006 17:56

I really don't know what to say ,
I'm sorry for your pain and your loss

and I hope you will be able to smile again .

**Sassi** · 02-11-2006 18:07

I am so sorry for your loss.

It is wonderful that you have the support of your family.

Your not silly, it is only because you told your family and friends that they can help and support you. Also you haven't let anyone down, you didn't make a choice. Sadly sometimes life makes a crazy twist which is out of our control. This is one of those.

I hope you continue to 'feel' and continue to 'love', as these are things which give you life.

Good luck for you and DH. Whether you decide to ttc again or not may you both have happiness in your lives together

**cmd'smum** · 02-11-2006 18:09

Oh sweety!

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thers's nothing much to say that will make you feel better, excpet that everything you're feeling is completely normal and you have every right to feel the way you do. There's a few of us here who have also experienced a m/c and understand what you're going through.

Rememebr we are here if you need to talk.

Look after yourself

**Chicco25** · 02-11-2006 18:14

It always feels better to write it down. I had a huge 4 page journal that was repetative but helped me get over my grief.

I'm sending you lots of

. And in 4 weeks just look forward to a

. That s how long it took me after mine

and babydust to you

Anita

**dee dee** · 02-11-2006 18:58

So sorry for your loss.
I hope that time helps to heal your pain.
Take care of yourself

**empty** · 02-11-2006 20:56

I am so sorry. I know what it feels like to think youre not fussed about having kids and then to go against your own feelings and give it a "go". I never wanted to have kids and since my 2 failed pregnancies feel like i have become a maniacal watcher of ovulation dates. Please know i am thinking of you.

**angelickaren** · 03-11-2006 06:56

hi knewmum first of all

to you i know how you feel as i have had many m/c the whole time i was preg with jacinta i keep thinking i cant be happy until she is born its the strangest feeling but i have to say to you it hurts now but it goes away but i never have forgotten the bubs i have lost i have been blessed with 3 beautiful kids and i know i will have another or maybe more. i wish you all the best and if you need to talk pm anytime i am here for you anytime

**knewmum** · 03-11-2006 12:46

Thank you all for your responses. It's amazing how much better I felt after posting my first message. Sorry it was so "intense", I just read it again. It was a bit like using my "inside voice" except everyone in the world could read my diary!

I am still sad, but I think maybe I am ready to actually see other people. Although I did have an unfortunate freak out yesterday when a dear friend came over with flowers, and I am sure if I had had Carrie's telekinetic powers she would be have been blown backward and had the door slammed in her face. Instead I very unlike me asked her not stay and thanked her for the flowers. How rude! I don't know what shocked me more, my rudeness or my feelings.

Yes Scarlett was right - Tomorrow was another day, a beautiful sunny 29C. I have done some reading. I have eaten lots of junk food - all the forbidden ones when you are pg. And apart from planning to work on a tan today, I have no plans.

Once again thank you all for your kind thoughts and comments. Maybe I will visit here once more, in happier times.

**Magnus** · 03-11-2006 13:25

Dear knewmum

I just read your original post and it brought tears to my eyes as I understand the pain you are going through.

My heart aches for you...you have lost your baby and you need time to understand and heal both physically and emotionally.

Please feel free to pm me ANYTIME if you would like to talk, vent or just get another person's perspective on what you are going through.

Know though, that you WILL eventually be at peace with losing your bub...it just takes time. There are lots of moments of anger, sadness and confusion in between.

One day though the smiles just outweigh the tears.

Your Friend
Magnus