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  1. #121
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    I don't agree that what she is doing is ok at all. But they have been together for 4 weeks. How does he know she doesn't have an STI? Its a pretty big risk to take, to not be using a condom. I would want any new partner to be tested before I would be comfortable not using a condom.

    But regardless of that, he should know if she is planning on using him to have a baby. I couldn't not say something if it was me. I haven't read all the posts here so I'm not sure if it's already been mentioned but has she thought about what life will be like for her and her child if she separates from this guy and then he decides he wants custody? Does handing her baby over for visitation every weekend fit in with her idea of what she expects parenthood to be like?

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    I do think I'd tell the guy. Or a friend of his who can let him know.

    I really wish people would take charge of their own fertility. I hate the 'she fell pg on purpose' nonsense, and women like this make it harder for mothers who aren't with the father of their babies and fell pg genuinely, either planned with the father or genuine surprise. I have had the 'got pg on purpose' line pulled on me when in reality it was MY ex who told me HE was infertile. I've never had any sympathy, nor do I want any. Expecting others to be in control of YOUR fertility is just about the most idiotic thing I've ever heard, especially if it's a brand new relationship.

    I have taken the pill before and I tell you what it is SO easy to need a course of ABs and forget, or to get a bout of gastro, or forget to take ONE pill at the exact correct time. I think not doubling up in a new relationship is just silly.

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  4. #123
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    I think talking to her again is the best first step. Yes he should be using protection too but he believes there is something in place. Its wrong for her to dupe him like this.
    It makes me even more worried for my boys when they grow up. This will definitely be a talking point when they're older.

  5. #124
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    Quote Originally Posted by Baracuda View Post
    Theres nothing wrong with wanting a baby and 'using' a guy to get one at all IMO - if a woman goes out and has a one night stand with some intention if getting pregnant and no intention if involving him then so be it - he's an idiot for not fail-safing his protection.
    I've been thinking this over and 'using' a guy to get pregnant with the deliberate intention of not involving him is wrong amongst other things. There are other ways to go about this other than treating another human as your personal sperm donor without consent.

    This happened to my cousin. It broke his heart that when he found out he had a child and that he was cheated out of knowing her as a baby and toddler. We finally met her 2 Christmases ago.

    He went for shared custody and after years of fighting he got it. He's not an idiot either.

  6. #125
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    LifeInShadesOfGrey is offline Just a little bit silly :)
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    Default What would you do in my situation!?

    Quote Originally Posted by babyla View Post
    This happened to my cousin. It broke his heart that when he found out he had a child and that he was cheated out of knowing her as a baby and toddler. We finally met her 2 Christmases ago.

    He went for shared custody and after years of fighting he got it. He's not an idiot either.
    That's so sad that someone could do that to someone. I'm glad he got shared custody.

  7. #126
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    Quote Originally Posted by LifeInShadesOfGrey View Post
    That's so sad that someone could do that to someone. I'm glad he got shared custody.
    It's a despicable thing to do to not only him but the daughter they share. It was long, drawn out and hugely painful. These kinds of actions are hugely damaging for so many people.

    Yay for paternity testing!

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    Quote Originally Posted by babyla View Post
    I've been thinking this over and 'using' a guy to get pregnant with the deliberate intention of not involving him is wrong amongst other things. There are other ways to go about this other than treating another human as your personal sperm donor without consent.

    This happened to my cousin. It broke his heart that when he found out he had a child and that he was cheated out of knowing her as a baby and toddler. We finally met her 2 Christmases ago.

    He went for shared custody and after years of fighting he got it. He's not an idiot either.
    I'd actually like to know Barracuda's response to this situation you've shared.

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    If I were in your situation, I would be letting my friend know what a scummy, immature, deceitful thing she is doing and tell her that she should talk to her partner instead of going behind his back. If she refused, Id simply tell him, because he has a right to know that there is no safety net. My respect for her would be totally gone and I probably wouldnt be able to be friends with her anymore so I wouldnt really care too much if the friendship ended because of it.

    Whos to say that they didnt discuss STDs with each other before commencing sex without a condom? Obviously they spoke about her being on the pill so they could very well have spoken about whether either of them have STDs. Either way, STDs and whether or not he is wearing a condom isnt the issue here.

    Its the fact that she is being deceitful. So, say you say nothing to her or him, and she goes ahead with her evil little plan and gets pregnant. Say she has a baby girl. Is she going to encourage that little girl that doing these sorts of things is completely okay just because she is "desperate" for something. "Its okay honey, you can always just pretend it was an accident!" What about when the child is older and starts asking questions about why their dad isnt around. Is she going to be honest and tell them she tricked him into getting pregnant, or will she instead make him out to be the bad guy that left because he didnt want kids?

    Its really disgusting behaviour as far as Im concerned.

  10. #129
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    Ok, before I say anything I want to clarify, I do NOT think this is ok, I do NOT think there's any way she can justify her actions, I do NOT think it's right to deceive him this way.

    But doesn't anyone feel sorry for this woman? She is clearly desperate, and mentally not all there. If she can't see that what she's doing it wrong, then SHE'S not 'right' herself. I think rather than being shot down in flames, dobbed on and hated by the world, maybe someone needs to sit her down and give her some hard truths. Suggest she see a councillor. 30 isn't old, she had time to fall in love with someone who wants a child before it's too late, but obviously SHE can't see that. Maybe she can't see that using donor sperm would be a better option. Maybe she honestly has no empathy for the man's situation, maybe her head doesn't work that way and she truly doesn't believe what she's doing is a bad thing?

    She needs help. If I was her friend I'd be trying to help her.

    If what she truly truly wants is a baby RIGHT NOW, help her see there are better ways.

    If what she ACTUALLY wants is a loving family, help her to see that she is NOT too old, that she can wait and it will happen.

    You say she used to be a down to earth and cool person, and now she's turned into this crazy nutter. Doesn't that just scream mental health issue to you? It does to me.
    Last edited by CazHazKidz; 04-12-2012 at 13:05.

  11. #130
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    Quote Originally Posted by CazHazKidz View Post
    Ok, before I say anything I want to clarify, I do NOT think this is ok, I do NOT think there's any way she can justify her actions, I do NOT think it's right to deceive him this way.

    But doesn't anyone feel sorry for this woman? She is clearly desperate, and mentally not all there. If she can't see that what she's doing it wrong, then SHE'S not 'right' herself. I think rather than being shot down in flames, dobbed on and hated by the world, maybe someone needs to sit her down and give her some hard truths. Suggest she see a councillor. 30 isn't old, she had time to fall in love with someone who wants a child before it's too late, but obviously SHE can't see that. Maybe she can't see that using donor sperm would be a better option. Maybe she honestly has no empathy for the man's situation, maybe her head doesn't work that way and she truly doesn't believe what she's doing is a bad thing?

    She needs help. If I was her friend I'd be trying to help her.

    If what she truly truly wants is a baby RIGHT NOW, help her see there are better ways.

    If what she ACTUALLY wants is a loving family, help her to see that she is NOT too old, that she can wait and it will happen.

    You say she used to be a down to earth and cool person, and now she's turned into this crazy nutter. Doesn't that just scream mental health issue to you? It does to me.
    I did think about possibly feeling sorry for her for the reasons you stated but I just can't bring msyelf to. After watching how my brother suffered when his ex up and left once she was pregnant and moved to another state to get away from my brother, I just can't bring myself to feel sorry for her. If you want a family so bad that's fine, just don't use another human being and deceive them in that way. Go to a sperm bank! Less mess and you can be sole parent all you want!

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