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  1. #11
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    I think he knows i get a bit funny about her- but i honestly think he thinks it is ok what he is doing. Well at least that is what I think until I start to overthink it and think that they are plotting to run away together. Pretty funny considering she lives in another state. And has a partner too. I know DP, I know if he didnt love me, he wouldnt tell me he does. and if he wanted to be with someone else, I doubt he would be with me. Well I hope anyway. Grr stupid insecurity.

  2. #12
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    Default Re: what is WRONG with me?? and what do I do?

    I personally think the 'hi beautiful' and the telling her about the dirty dream is wrong and disrespectful to you.

    If these things make u feel uncomftable then dont dismiss them, tell him.

    I think its a form of cheating.

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  4. #13
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    Default what is WRONG with me?? and what do I do?

    I think it might be a good idea to se your GP, you may have depression.

    I have a couple of close male friends (which are no longer even in the state now) and I have sent msg like the following to them "hey babe, how are you? Miss you heaps. Love you. "

    I adore my friends and I would say that to a female so don't see the issue saying it to a male. They are both happily married with kids and I love both wives but I don't have anything but friendship feelings for them.

    BUT knowing his history with her, I would be upset and worried. I would probably confront him about the msg but in a non attacking way.

    "DP, you know I have been feeling a bit depressed lately and even a bit paranoid, so I checked you phone and found this msg, I know it may seem like a breach of your privacy and a do apologise but I'm really feeling insecure and this has made it worse."

    Or something like that. I don't think it will help to sit on this and constantly think about it and stew about it.

    I have been in a similar situation.

  5. #14
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    Reading your post, it sounds like you're having a struggle between your heart and your head. Logically, you think his behaviour is fine, but for some reason, you're just not 100% comfortable and it's eating away at your trust in your DP. FWIW, your post sounds like you are pretty happy with your relationship. You've listed a lot of positives about your partner and it sounds like you feel good about the relationship generally. So maybe you are overthinking it a little.

    Even so, IMO, everyone has different ideas and experiences, so we'll all have different ideas about what is ok behaviour from our partner (as you can see in this thread!)

    Lots of others have given you their ideas about where the boundaries are. Now you can have a think and decide where your boundaries are and don't feel guilty about them. Boundaries are the product of your experience and knowledge and discussing them with DP is a great way for you to get to know each other better. Remember that you can tell him how you feel without blaming him for it.

    Good luck resolving it and don't think yourself out of a strong relationship!

  6. #15
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    Default Re: what is WRONG with me?? and what do I do?

    Quote Originally Posted by pleasehelp1 View Post
    Thanks all so much.

    I know deep down that DP is not "emotionally" cheating.
    Bit of info I forgot, DP and I were friends for ages and before we got together, we went out one night as friends (my marriage was over, I was just finding the courage to leave him) and we ended up sleeping together. Then we spent more time together and eventually fell in love and started dating. We have never given boundaries other than, if you sleep with someone else I am out of here (as in we have both said that) I think innocent flirtation is fine, I guess I am more concerned of my mood swings and how I can go from perfectly happy and ok- to not ok. and yeah, DP and I have a mutual friend who always calls me Beautiful/Gorgeous etc too
    You know him best and if your instincts are telling you he's not cheating, then you should trust that. But you should also trust your instincts about yourself. If these mood swings are not like you, and they are happening consistently over a period of time, then it might be time to visit the gp. If you are a bit depressed, speaking from personal experience it's very easy for the mind to latch onto something as a focus for that depression...
    Hope you get some relief soon

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    Default Re: what is WRONG with me?? and what do I do?

    I find it interesting that having discussions with someone else about dirty dreams then flirting with them, someone hes had an affair with already in the past, saying hi beautiful etc (as an amalgimation rather than a single act) all in secret and only known by OP because she found themon his ph etc, is not seen as emotionally cheating? Not having a go just I would feel very differently is all. I'm surprised I'm the only one here who thinks that..

    I consider cheating as anything affectionate/sexual (physical or not) you wouldn't do with your partner in the room... Do you see her together or does he only see her/speak with her alone? Would he say hi beautiful or discuss dirty dreams with her and flirt if you were standing right there? If the answer is no then to me that is cheating.. but of course everyone can choose to what boundaries/lines they will accept in their own relationships.. Communication is definitely key whether you regard his behaviours as cheating or not so I think its important you outline to him what upsets you, what is ok and what is not. If he is a good partner he will respect your feelings and those boundaries. I think if it is seriously bothering you still you should go to counselling together ...

    My point was that you shouldnt be made to feel paranoid or crazy in this. because you have every right to feel threatened and personally I can see why you are! Sorry if my original post seemed harsh I was just trying to outline how I would feel in that situation if I were you and let you know imo youre not crazy and what hes done isnt right or ok to me.

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  10. #17
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    I think both of you have issues with boundaries.

    You say when you met him he was having an affair with a taken woman . So he was with someone who was cheating on their partner.

    And then cheated on your husband with him.

    And now you expect everything to magically change . I think both of you should work yourselves out.

    And no I wouldn't be happy with any if that behavior from him. But you know what they say about people who cheat with you....

    I really hope I'm wrong op for both your sakes.

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    There is a certain level of intimacy that should be left for you and your significant other. Calling other women beautiful and sharing intimate details of a sexy dream is not on. It's not cheating but I would think that this is over the line. How would he feel if you were calling some bloke sexy and telling him all bout a sexy dream you were having about him?

    You've just had a baby and you don't feel all that beautiful and sexy right now...the last thing he should be doing is telling someone else what YOU need to hear.

    I don't think you're being paranoid...in your gut you know that this kind of talk should be reserved for the two of you and somehow it's not...and it's not sitting right. You are right to feel that way. He may not be cheating but he's created a setting with this woman of intimacy already and the only one he should be intimate with is you. You are right to feel insecure about it. I would! Especially when I'm feeling ugly and gross and depressed and unsure of myself. Quite frankly he should stopped this relationship with her a long time ago. It almost seems like he has her there on the outskirts for in the future if you guys somehow don't work out....his F buddy will be there! He shouldn't be thinking of her in those terms at all. And you can't be sure that he's not, no matter how sure you are about his love and affection for you.

    At the end of the day, you aren't ok with this and he needs to know. Not in a way that's going to come across as acusing but in a real honest way where you tell him how you FEEL about it. How all this makes you feel.

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You're gut is telling you something and you should listen.

  12. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by sunnyflower View Post
    I think both of you have issues with boundaries.

    You say when you met him he was having an affair with a taken woman . So he was with someone who was cheating on their partner.

    And then cheated on your husband with him.

    And now you expect everything to magically change . I think both of you should work yourselves out.

    And no I wouldn't be happy with any if that behavior from him. But you know what they say about people who cheat with you....

    I really hope I'm wrong op for both your sakes.
    No no I don't think she cheated on her ex...I think the ex cheated on her (Isn't that right OP?) I agree with you though,,,he was cheating WITH a married woman. This shows how little he thinks of marriage.

  13. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by pleasehelp1 View Post
    Thanks all so much.

    I know deep down that DP is not "emotionally" cheating.
    Bit of info I forgot, DP and I were friends for ages and before we got together, we went out one night as friends (my marriage was over, I was just finding the courage to leave him) and we ended up sleeping together. Then we spent more time together and eventually fell in love and started dating. We have never given boundaries other than, if you sleep with someone else I am out of here (as in we have both said that) I think innocent flirtation is fine, I guess I am more concerned of my mood swings and how I can go from perfectly happy and ok- to not ok. and yeah, DP and I have a mutual friend who always calls me Beautiful/Gorgeous etc too
    Oh sorry I didn't see this post. It seems that you cheated WITH him as well...and he was cheating WITH another woman. Well sorry....yeh...it's one of those things. If they cheat with you.....


 

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