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  1. #1
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    Default what is WRONG with me?? and what do I do?

    Im sorry, this reads very disjointed and I am not sure if I am after advise or just a vent but if anyone can help me, please do so.. lol.

    ok so DP and I have been together not too long, bit less than 2 years. We have a new baby (4 wks old) and I have a 2.5 yo and he has an older child (not living with us)
    When DP and I met and started dating he was sort of seeing an attached lady, a friend of his. Known her and been friends for years. He thought he was in love with her and would have done anything for her. I knew she would never leave her partner.. she was simply having an affair. Anyway, he and I fell in love and he told her he had met me and moved on. They remainded friends. And I was cool with that. Fast forward a few months, we bought a house together and were (are) very much in love. Talking about having a baby. We got pregnant straight away. Both of us so excited. I had a hard pregnancy, my dad passed while I was pregnant and I felt depressed. I knew he was still friends with *her* and everytime a txt msg beeped on his phone I would be paranoid it was her. One time I asked him if he still had feelings for her and he said he would always care about her and they were friends but he was with me and wouldnt be with me if he didnt want to be with me! (I probably should add that my ex husband cheated on me and this really impacted me with future relationships)
    So over my pregnancy things were good, he told me he loved me all the time, he would adore and spend time with my son (who calls him dad and thinks of him as dad) but I would still get paranoid.. and my paranoia would always turn out to be nothing. I snooped on his fb once and said he told her he had had a dirty dream about her once and there was some harmless flirting and I think I am ok with that but this depression/paranoid thing brings me down. So I had our baby, he was there with me, he cried when he was born and gave me some beautiful jewerelly, things were great. I checked his phone just after the birth and *she* had texted him saying congrats, enjoy it all, you and *insert my name* look so happy- and this cemented what he always says, that she is happy for him and us both. So I was happy, but then, the hormones/depression started kicking in with me and I started feeling down about my baby weight and my dad passing etc etc.. The other week I read his phone (I know, stupid) and he called her beautiful in a txt.. like "Hi Beautiful, have a great trip" as she was going away. It made me really upset as I was already feeling really hormonal and down (depressed?) but I couldn't confront him.
    I think at the heart of it, I know he would never cheat- he knows my history and hates my ex for what he did to me. We really have a great relationship and typing this has made me actually realise that.. I think the issue is my paranoia and depression.. Like, he kisses me goodnight everynight and says I love you.. sometimes during the day I txt him, love u babe and if he doesnt txt me back straight away.. i get upset! Crazy right? I hate feeling like this! I dont know what to do. Are we having relationship issues or is this just depression eating away at me? Do I actually have depression? sometimes, I am so happy and then I have an off day (like today) where no housework gets down and I have cried all morning thinking he loves this other woman and is secretly planning to leave me.. what is wrong with me?? I am NOT an insecure woman!

  2. #2
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    Default Re: what is WRONG with me?? and what do I do?

    Hugs xx

    I'm no expert but it does sound like you might be depressed. Have you talked to your doctor about it ?

    However I wouldn't be happy if my dp were still friends with that woman.

    Have you talked to your partner about it and told him how upset/insecure their friendship makes you ?

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  3. #3
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    Default what is WRONG with me?? and what do I do?

    Hi there.

    Sorry that you are feeling this way! It sounds like its really upsetting you and that's not doing you, or your baby any good!

    Is there someone you can sit down and have a chat to about this, or even your DP?

    I know I've had a tough two weeks and saw a picture on my DH phone of him and his workmate (they work quite close and I know she doesn't have a bf and that she's super hot, as she came to our wedding). Anyways I saw this picture a few months ago and approached him about it then (I was pregnant, hormonal and we weren't having sex more than once a week so freaking out that he might go elsewhere for that) and realised as soon as I asked him about it how silly I was being. I have every trust in my husband but for that split second I wondered if it could be... (Mind you, this picture is nothing...just the two of them at work pulling faces...)

    Anyways, I saw the picture on his phone, as if he'd been looking through his messages, last week and because we have just been through a tough time (we lost our baby at 26 weeks) I freaked out again! Approached him as I needed that confirmation yet again...he's been very affectionate to me, and looking after me in any and every which way he can to make sure we get through this time as best as we can but because of all the heartache we're experiencing right now, I had that stupid doubt again! When I approached him about it again, again I realised how silly it all was.

    I guess what I'm getting at is if you can talk to him, do it. It's better than making yourself so upset and making you feel worse. If you can't talk to him then maybe a friend or relative can help out??

    If you do think its depression you are suffering from it might be best to seek professional help. The quicker that you do this the better maybe too as you don't want it to get out of hand!

    I'm sorry to blab on about my story, and for such a long post.

    I hope you find the answers you are looking for and soon.

    Xx

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    Default Re: what is WRONG with me?? and what do I do?

    He's already cheated on you hun... calling her beautiful? Telling her dirty dreams? In what world is that not cheating?

    If it were me he would have to make the choice to cut him out of her life or I'd leave. I would consider his actions cheating and he would have to agree to relationship counselling if he wanted any chance of repair. even then Id have my doubts..

    Im sorry I know this is not what you want to hear.. but it's very clear to me and I find it really upsetting that he is letting you believe this is your problem/paranoia when he is clearly emotionally cheating on you..

    He had an affair with her.. those sort of things/feelings dont just disperse to nothing.. sorry x

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    I think you are probably over reacting. But you need to talk to him.

    As far as emotionally cheating, I am not sure about that. I have a few male friends that call me beautiful, Hi Beautiful, Hi Gorgeous etc etc. They don't mean anything by it. It is just their way.

    Don't know about the Dirty dream, but I have told male mates in the past things like that.

    But at the end of the day it doesn't matter what it is that is making you unhappy, you need to talk to him. He probably doesn't think anything of it but would be upset if he thought you were upset by it.

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    Default what is WRONG with me?? and what do I do?

    Quote Originally Posted by Kiplusthree View Post
    He's already cheated on you hun... calling her beautiful? Telling her dirty dreams? In what world is that not cheating?

    If it were me he would have to make the choice to cut him out of her life or I'd leave. I would consider his actions cheating and he would have to agree to relationship counselling if he wanted any chance of repair. even then Id have my doubts..

    Im sorry I know this is not what you want to hear.. but it's very clear to me and I find it really upsetting that he is letting you believe this is your problem/paranoia when he is clearly emotionally cheating on you..

    He had an affair with her.. those sort of things/feelings dont just disperse to nothing.. sorry x

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    Seriously? I don't think so IMO, but each to their own I guess. If the OP hasn't clearly put boundaries in place about what is and isn't ok in their particular relationship I'd find it hard to consider what he did cheating and hardly an "offense" to leave someone you love and have just had a baby with over!

    Def something to talk through and understand perspectives on. If you don't feel better soon, talk to your GP, the birth of a child is life changing no matter how many times you have done it and made even more difficult sometimes when a relationship is fairy new.

    Good luck with everything!

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    Default what is WRONG with me?? and what do I do?

    I don't think he's already cheated by saying 'hi beautiful' at all but I think everyone has to decide what they consider cheating. IMO even emotional affairs aren't cheating as you can't help how you feel. Cheating is something you can control, you can't control how you feel.

    Op I agree you need to speak to him about it.

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    Default what is WRONG with me?? and what do I do?

    If my husband called someone else beautiful I'd have his balls. Not ok IMHO. And the dream thing is crossing the line too. I think you have some good advice here. Definitely talk to him and your gp too.

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    He obviously has a very close relationship with this woman.

    Have you told him how it makes you feel when he talks to her like this? Because honestly, if you haven't told him and he knows you know how close they are, he probably thinks you're fine with it and it's perfectly ok for him to do what he's doing?

    I went to my husbands work xmas party last weekend, and after the dinner, he and his workmates went down to the dancefloor. They were all drunk and chatting up all the chicks. People kept looking at me saying "where's Rob" and I'd point at him chatting up chicks and laugh. It honestly didn't bother me in the slightest, but I could see the way people were looking at me thinking "how could you not rip his head off for that?!" Plenty of women would think he was cheating, I didn't care. But if I DID care, if it DID upset me, and I told him it did... I would expect him to get up and walk away and apologise.

    If he knows it upsets you, he needs to stop. Otherwise, he is doing the wrong thing by you. If you've never told him, well how is he to know?

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    Thanks all so much.

    I know deep down that DP is not "emotionally" cheating.
    Bit of info I forgot, DP and I were friends for ages and before we got together, we went out one night as friends (my marriage was over, I was just finding the courage to leave him) and we ended up sleeping together. Then we spent more time together and eventually fell in love and started dating. We have never given boundaries other than, if you sleep with someone else I am out of here (as in we have both said that) I think innocent flirtation is fine, I guess I am more concerned of my mood swings and how I can go from perfectly happy and ok- to not ok. and yeah, DP and I have a mutual friend who always calls me Beautiful/Gorgeous etc too


 

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