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  1. #41
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    If they bring it up and want to talk about it then I see no problem, there is nothing wrong with sharing information about these things. Maybe direct them to some resources about it and say these were things you were interested in finding out about whilst ttc.

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    Ok I've read your edited OP and I still don't change anything I'd say. When I had friends who would say that it would entirely depend on the context. Is it a throwaway line or are they wanting to start a conversation about it?

    Honestly, unless you've experienced IVF you can't really say much about it. And it's your opinion that they're crazy putting it off. They might not agree. My 20s and early 30s were spent travelling the world, moving cities, eating out, seeing live music and staying out with my friends until whenever I wanted to go home. I don't regret a day or a month of it. Am I sad we had to use IVF yes of course I am but that's my life and it's up to me how I live it.

    You could always ask them if they are concerned about their fertility or have thought having tests done to make sure they and their husbands are all good. If I'd had that done in my 20s we might have discovered DH's sperm issues but we might not have and we still would have put it off.

    At the end of the day there are probably times when it might be appropriate to raise it. As for seeming smug, I'm sure your friends won't be too envious in a few weeks when you're covered in baby spew and completely exhausted

  3. #43
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    Default Re: Leaving it too late

    Sonja it's mainly in conversations about it, lots of people bring it up with me (and DP finds the same happens with him) as we are seen as such an oddity in our group of friends for having kids so 'young' many people are curious about why we did start in our 20's, and many seem to be quite conflicted about when they want to start trying. So they ask us why I guess to find out the pros of having kids, since the norm for our group of friends is to delay a bit longer.

    And yes, it's my opinion, of course I share my opinion with my friends during a conversation

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  5. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    Sonja it's mainly in conversations about it, lots of people bring it up with me (and DP finds the same happens with him) as we are seen as such an oddity in our group of friends for having kids so 'young' many people are curious about why we did start in our 20's, and many seem to be quite conflicted about when they want to start trying. So they ask us why I guess to find out the pros of having kids, since the norm for our group of friends is to delay a bit longer.

    And yes, it's my opinion, of course I share my opinion with my friends during a conversation

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    Sorry I didn't mean to sound rude in my reply. I guess it is something I am increddibly sensitive about as I got a lot of opinions from people when we were on the path and at times it was really hard to hear.

    You've basically answered your own question though in your last post - if they're bringing it up with you, and asking you your opinion, why wouldn't you tell them? Sorry from your OP it still sounds like they were making a general remark and not outright asking your opinion - that changes everything. And that's also why I said that bit about it being your opinion that they're crazy - I hadn't appreciated the further information that they are actually wanting to have a conversation about it.

    Knowing all that I can't see why you wouldn't? Or have I missed something again?

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    Default Re: Leaving it too late

    I understand it's hard Sonja and i totally get people being defensive about it, it's. sh*tty subject. I guess I'm struggling with how much to push my opinion on people- not knowing if they really don't know how hard it could be, how much they've thought about it, whether they want me to say something different altogether. I don't know, it's really hard. When people bring it up with me I sometimes think they *want* me to convince them to just do it, but the whole other side of it is that i have no idea how their partners feel either. Like the guy at work who was telling me he thinks he wants kids one day but doesn't think his partner does, but he's not sure. They're in their late 30's and haven't even seriously discussed it yet, despite being madly in love and together over 10 years. I just think that's a big ol' can of worms I don't want to open, but this guy is a really good friend of mine, I don't want him to be 50 and devestated because they just didn't consider it in time.

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    Quote Originally Posted by missie_mack View Post
    From what I read and understood the concern is less for those needing to turn to fertility treatment to conceive but more those who turn to it and are unsuccessful. I think it is easier to say I don't regret a thing when you were able to conceive through IVF, perhaps if it was completely unsuccessful you would feel differently?
    I think that really depends on your experience of IVF. Some are lucky and get it the first or second go. Others do cycle after cycle, different procedures and drugs. For me personally, i am incredibly lucky to be pregnant and of course its worth it to have a child. I'll still regret having to do it though, its incredibly painful going through treatments that ruin your health, leave you exhausted and put a strain on your relationship. The whole thing with IVF too, is that you never ever know if its going to work. You live in hope, but you just never know.

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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    I understand it's hard Sonja and i totally get people being defensive about it, it's. sh*tty subject. I guess I'm struggling with how much to push my opinion on people- not knowing if they really don't know how hard it could be, how much they've thought about it, whether they want me to say something different altogether. I don't know, it's really hard. When people bring it up with me I sometimes think they *want* me to convince them to just do it, but the whole other side of it is that i have no idea how their partners feel either. Like the guy at work who was telling me he thinks he wants kids one day but doesn't think his partner does, but he's not sure. They're in their late 30's and haven't even seriously discussed it yet, despite being madly in love and together over 10 years. I just think that's a big ol' can of worms I don't want to open, but this guy is a really good friend of mine, I don't want him to be 50 and devestated because they just didn't consider it in time.

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    Most of the time, i think people are aware that they don't have all the time in the world. I hate to say it (absolutely NOT directed at you) but there is nothing worse than people who already have kids reminding you that you should get cracking. There is so much information out there these days, especially in the media. If people don't know that their fertility declines after a certain age and that they should be aware of it, maybe having kids isn't a high priority?

    i totally get where you are coming from, after what i know now i want to scream at my friends who want kids but think they can wait till 40. End of the day, it's their decision to make and if they miss out, it's their choice.

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    Default Leaving it too late

    I've been reading this thread with interest. I'm 31, DH 42 and we are pregnant with #1 at the moment. Of our close group of friends we are the first to start having kids, though I am insightful enough to realise that is because we are surrounded by people who are similar to us and we have lost touch with many of our friends with kids.

    We've been together 8 years and have spent those years living like Gentoo and I think Sonja described - inner city apartment, successful professional careers, summer in Europe, winter on the slopes, out for dinner every night, following bands, staying up drinking wine and solving the problems of the world with our best friends. Our life has made us the people we are today and I wouldn't have given it up for anything.

    Have I had people ask me why we were waiting? All the bloody time! It is SO rude! i would never have been so rude as to tell them they should have waited when they are crying about having to send bubby to daycare so they can go back to work. Or saving up for 3 years for a week in Bali. Or *****ing when hubby goes out to live like a bachelor cos he couldn't do it when he was 21 cos they already had a baby.
    I chose a different path and it has made me happy and I hope in turn that happiness will rub off on our children All sorts of lives can make people happy and your friend's may or may not end up including children.

  10. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by missie_mack View Post
    From what I read and understood the concern is less for those needing to turn to fertility treatment to conceive but more those who turn to it and are unsuccessful. I think it is easier to say I don't regret a thing when you were able to conceive through IVF, perhaps if it was completely unsuccessful you would feel differently?
    Obviously I can't know that because it was successful for me, but my 2 and a half years of hell I went through to become pregnant with DD2 does give me an insight. At times I nearly lost my mind, my health and my marriage. So I do think I can have an opinion looking back on what I went through.

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    I would step VERY carefully. Alot of people who are TTC say "maybe one day" to people when they ask when they actually are TTC. It could make them feel more like crap if they are doing this and just pretending they're not trying to ward off embarrassment of them not conceiving quickly.

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