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  1. #31
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    Default Re: Leaving it too late

    I am 34 and my DH 39, married for 8yrs. We hear more than our fair share of 'you'd better get cracking if you want kids'. Little do they know we have been trying since our honeymoon & have had 6 failed IVF attempts in the last 2.5yrs.
    We prefer to let them think we're leaving it 'til whenever; rather than share our personal infertility issues with them.

    If your friends are in this situation, they may resent any advice, albeit well-meaning, so I would go with PPs who've suggested it's best to say nothing.

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    With us im 31 and DH is 25 and our DD is 2, but im just not ready to have number 2 yet

    I want a 4 year age gap which if all goes to plan means ill be around 33 when i fall pregnant again. I dont want to rush it, i find one enough of a handful atm!

    Not sure whether its genetic or not does anyone know?

    Neither my mum nor sister had issues falling pregnant later in life. My mum had me at almost 40 and My sister fell pregnant naturally at 43!!

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    Default Leaving it too late

    We started TTC #1 when I was 29. In the process I discovered I have endo, DH has dodgy swimmers and getting pregnant is hard! We had a miscarriage after about 10 months TTC. It was devastating and most of our friends knew nothing about any of it. I saw them for a friends engagement a couple of days after I had been told I was going to lose the pregnancy and was waiting to miscarry. It was so hard keeping a brave face against all the "when are you having babies?" comments and remarks about me not having a drink. After that I swore I'd never make comments about having kids to anyone else ever again.

    We're TTC #2 at the moment and it's been about 5 or 6 months so far. Again, we're keeping it to ourselves.

    So I get what you're saying, I'm sure you're just looking out for your mates and don't want them to go through the pain of long term TTC. But unless they directly ask for your opinion I'd suggest saying nothing.

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  5. #34
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    I really don't think you can say anything, because you just never know, maybe they are well aware of their age. Maybe they are secretly trying and its not working and they are covering it up.

    I totally get where you are coming from though. I have a few friends who are mid/late 30's and they think they have all the time in the world. I want to scream, YOU DONT but of course i don't. Not my place. I started trying for kids when i was 29 and its taken me 3 years. We never would have dreamed my partner would be infertile. Had we started when i was 37/38 it might have been a different story.

    Its tricky, but at least if you start earlier you know if you have any problems, and you have time up your sleeve. If you wait till your late 30s to even start trying and run into problems, you run out of options very quickly. Everyone thinks that IVF is a magical cure, it is NOT. Everyone has a friend who was 41 and got pregnant the first round, in reality this is just not the case. its emotionally exhausting, draining and not to mention very expensive. it puts a huge strain on a couple. Many older women doing IVF would give their right arm to go back in time 5 years.

    I'd recommend to anyone to at least have some sort of rough plan of when they would like kids worked out in their own head by 30. doesn't mean you have to start trying, just means you know what your cut-off is. After watching and knowing so many couples go through the heartbreaking journey of not being able to have kids, i wouldn't wish it on anyone....

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    Quote Originally Posted by SimpsonDesert View Post
    I am 34 and my DH 39, married for 8yrs. We hear more than our fair share of 'you'd better get cracking if you want kids'. Little do they know we have been trying since our honeymoon & have had 6 failed IVF attempts in the last 2.5yrs.
    We prefer to let them think we're leaving it 'til whenever; rather than share our personal infertility issues with them.

    If your friends are in this situation, they may resent any advice, albeit well-meaning, so I would go with PPs who've suggested it's best to say nothing.

    Sent from my GT-I9100T using BubHub
    I completely agree with this.

    Don't say anything. As someone who technically "left it too late" I would never have appreciated anyone telling me that.

    There are some life lessons people have to learn for themselves. Having been through IVF myself I did say to very close friends who talked about waiting that that's fine but you never know what's around the corner and be prepared for whatever happens.

    But unless you're asked I would say nothing.

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    Clementine Grace  (01-12-2012),SimpsonDesert  (01-12-2012)

  9. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by shelle65 View Post
    Actually, a lot of people don't realise how significantly fertility decreases with age and think that IVF is a failsafe backup. I have actually heard a number of people say "oh well if I leave it too late I can just have IVF".

    My sister was an IVF nurse for many years and she tells anyone and everyone she can that a lot of her older patients never managed to conceive even with many many cycles. A lot of people have no idea.
    Totally agree with this, a lot of people think IVF is a magical cure and it really is not. Yes lots and lots of people have babies thankfully through IVF but the average person has NO idea how incredibly hard it is and how much strain it puts on you.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SimpsonDesert View Post
    I am 34 and my DH 39, married for 8yrs. We hear more than our fair share of 'you'd better get cracking if you want kids'. Little do they know we have been trying since our honeymoon & have had 6 failed IVF attempts in the last 2.5yrs.
    We prefer to let them think we're leaving it 'til whenever; rather than share our personal infertility issues with them.

    If your friends are in this situation, they may resent any advice, albeit well-meaning, so I would go with PPs who've suggested it's best to say nothing.

    Sent from my GT-I9100T using BubHub
    This is a really good point, which is why i think unless asked, its best not to say anything. I have a friend who has been married for 4 years and i know they have been trying since the day they got married. I see the hurt in her face when people tell them they should hurry up or why haven't they had kids yet and they say "oh we want to travel and save a bit more". You just never know whats going on in someones personal life.

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  12. #38
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    If you'd have asked me at 32 about children I would have given you an answer along the lines of "we want kids but just not now". The truth was, however, that my marriage was down the tube and H and I were heading in different directions. Whilst I was ready to have children H wasn't and I wanted to put things in place before we were TTC'ing (like moving back to Australia and buying a house) but he just dragged his feet. exH and I separated when I was 32 and it took me until 33 to be sure that I didn't want to reconcile. I was blessed by meeting DF about 4 months before my 34th birthday. We were both anxious about rushing into a relationship so we took things slow and casual but I made it clear from the start that I wanted children at some stage. We started TTC'ing only 18 months into the relationship and it took 9 months to conceive DS. Having said that I was doing a ridiculous amount of exercise at the time which I think may have impacted things because as soon as I cut back on exercise I got a BFP. We started TTC'ing for DD when I was 39 (financial pressures meant we had to wait but in the end we just said stuff it, I'm not getting any younger and as it turned out DF got a much better paying job about 2 weeks before DD was due!!). I was 40 when I gave birth to DD and as my sig says I'm now 42. If someone had broached the subject to me about fertility and age I would have really upset and angry that a person could firstly think I was so ignorant I didn't know the stats about fertility, secondly feel it there job to advise me and thirdly, to assume that I should be telling them of the intricacies of my person life.

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    Default Leaving it too late

    I've just turned 37 and I have a 10 week old DD. I lived overseas for 15 years and travelled the world but the real reason I didn't have kids earlier was I just hadn't met the right person. I met my DH less than 2 years ago and we married after knowing each other just over 12 months. He is the absolute love of my life. We thought it would be a long hard slog to fall pregnant but we managed it on our first attempt and I was 15 weeks pregnant when we were married. I always knew that by waiting it was a risk I may miss the boat so to speak but when I see my DH with our DD I knew it was the absolutely right thing to do. If only we had met 10 years ago but everything happens for a reason. As older parents we are a bit more world wise and more financially secure than we would have been a decade ago but I am still a nervous first time mum like those in their 20's. Would I have started a family earlier if I had the chance - Absolutely but I'm happy now and that's the main thing but I'm very aware that by waiting we may not have been so lucky.

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    Default Re: Leaving it too late

    Ok I've edited my OP because I'm not talking about me broaching the subject with my friends, but wondering what to say when they bring up the subject with *me* I hate unsolicited advice as much as the next person

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