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    Default Leaving it too late

    Let me preface this by saying I know this is a complex subject that touches a nerve for many people. And I'm not coming from a judgey or assumey place, but as a concerned friend.

    I have lots of friends (nearly all of my friends actually) who are in their early 30's, in stable relationships, established in good careers. They want kids 'one day' but don't really think of it as happening any time soon. Most say they will start trying in their mid 30's. I just think this is crazy, and they could potentially be setting themselves up for a lot of heartache, especially if they want more than one child, in which case they will potentially be going for round 2 in their late 30's early 40's. I really don't think many of them have thought about the possibility of it being difficult for them.
    Would you say something to them? I don't want to be that smug, annoying 'everyone should have babies like me' friend, and I know that it's likely that for some it's a lot more complicated than all that, but I honestly want to shake them sometimes and shout 'what the hell are you waiting for??'

    ETA (i said this in a later post but i think it may be getting missed by some) I would NEVER bring up the topic myself, I'm talking more about situations where friends have brought up 'putting off' having kids in conversations themselves- these are the times I wonder how much to say on the matter myself.

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    Last edited by FearlessLeader; 01-12-2012 at 16:07.

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    Default Leaving it too late

    Some just quite simply aren't ready. I was one of those. In fact I swore black and blue that I would never have a child. It just wasn't on my cards nor on my to list. I was married to my now ex husband all the while thinking I didn't want kids. That ended in divorce and 6 years later I met my now DH. We were married rather quickly and suddenly I wanted children with him. More than anything in this world I wanted to make a family with this amazing man. I am 33 and now 15 weeks pregnant with our first. I just wasn't ready up until now and I am so glad I waited.

    Sorry for the ramble. I guess I just think that some people just don't feel it in their hearts. I didn't back then and bringing a child into the world when your heart isn't in it is just cruel in my eyes.

    Now, I can't wait to meet our baby. Had you told me 3 years ago I'd be having a baby at 33 I would have told you you were insane

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    Default Leaving it too late

    I agree with you but wouldn't say anything. I'm sure your friends are pretty intelligent and know all this stuff without being told.

    Fingers crossed it works out for them. I have friends in their mid to late 30s who have had babies and some had terrible troubles and some fell pregnant straight away. There is no way of telling who will and won't have trouble...

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    I personally wouldn't leave it that long, although I think personally I had a baby too early (early 20s)...but I would never say anything. People would have to be living under a rock to not know about women's age and decreased fertility - heaven knows we hear about it enough everywhere else! My friends are a soft place to fall for me personally, not necessarily to tell me how stupid I am.

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    I was the same tbh. My cut off was 35. I had DS at 34 and it was perfect for me. I think these days, unless you're living under a rock people know the risks of decreased fertility etc and they make their choices based on lifestyle, I know that was what I did. I will be in my mid to late 30's if I decide to have another.

    My friends though, most who are single and same age as me, who want kids and just haven't found someone they want to have kids with, are who I really feel for, they would make the best parents and are so ready as well.

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    I would recommend NOT saying anything.

    I once mentioned to somebody that I wish I had started trying earlier (started at 24!!!) because I was just completely uneducated about the whole thing, and if I'd known how common infertility was and how likely it was that I'd never be able to have children that I'd have started TTC at 20.

    That person took it to mean that I thought they were a shrivelled up old hag who was too old to have kids

    People are super defensive about this stuff!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Benji View Post
    I personally wouldn't leave it that long, although I think personally I had a baby too early (early 20s)...but I would never say anything. People would have to be living under a rock to not know about women's age and decreased fertility - heaven knows we hear about it enough everywhere else! My friends are a soft place to fall for me personally, not necessarily to tell me how stupid I am.
    Must have been typing at the same time - swear I didn't poach your 'under a rock' call

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    Default Leaving it too late

    Everyone is different.
    I have had 3 kids 7, 4.5 and 2.3 and married 8 years. I'm only 29, my friends range from 27 - 41.
    I have a 40 year old friend with a son the same age as my youngest and twin girls aged 8 when I'm 40 my kids will be 18, 16 and 12.5 plus my last child 9 ish.
    I want 1 more child next year and I will be done.
    I couldn't imagine being 40 and dealing with a 2 year old. Then again I have been a very maternal person my whole life. I met love young and was lucky that I had no dedicated career that I felt I wanted to establish. Money was never an issue and I am a SAHM.
    I too can't understand it but never say a word as lives all take different paths and having had two awful pregnancy losses one at 21 and one at 28 you can't predict how pregnancy will go no matter how old you are. My last one almost gave me cancer. There is always a risk.
    I just don't understand wanting to have young kids running around you at 40-45! Arghhhhh I'd much prefer trying to make sure my boys aren't impregnating some poor girl not attempting to get my hubby to impregnate me ;-)

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    Default Leaving it too late

    As someone who left it late for a never of reasons, I would be up front to my friends if they asked me for advice but wouldn't bring the issue up first. I've been through so much more than I thought I would for this first little son of ours.

    It's such a complex and personal decision. Some women don't really have the choice to start any earlier than they do. For a whole host of reasons.

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    Actually, a lot of people don't realise how significantly fertility decreases with age and think that IVF is a failsafe backup. I have actually heard a number of people say "oh well if I leave it too late I can just have IVF".

    My sister was an IVF nurse for many years and she tells anyone and everyone she can that a lot of her older patients never managed to conceive even with many many cycles. A lot of people have no idea.

    Sorry, I'm also not trying to be insenstive. I know there are many reasons out of someone's control that means they can't try any earlier.

    FL do you think maybe they are actually trying but just don't want to share? When I was TTC DD I told everyone that I wasn't interested in having kids. I didn't want anyone to know I was TTC as it's such a personal thing.
    Last edited by shelle65; 30-11-2012 at 20:34.


 

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