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  1. #1
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    Question single mum in need of lots of advice....

    Well firstly Hello lovely single mummies!

    Firstly, an apology for the length of this post...and before I ask for advice, just a quick bit of background.
    Ive been a single mum for about 4 years now, my ex and i split because i was in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship, because my personality is very....submissive(?). it wasnt good for me, and it certainly wasnt good for my LG, my ex and i split mutually, he moved out and in with his current girlfriend (whom he commenced the relationship with a few months prior to us splitting, i have come to learn since). they moved to QLD for about 12 months when my LG was 1, and had nothing to do with her, except when i was up in brisebane for family matters. they moved back to canberra after the 12 months, and saw her intermittedly when i called and asked if he wanted to see her. There was lots of messing around, and lots of "yeah i will take her" and then retracting of statements...all that passed when she got abit older and i told him he had to start either being stable with visits, or not see her, he chose to become stable. We (now) have a fairly civil relationship, there are no court orders, as he doesn't like them, or parenting plans, just mutual agreement to a fortnightly 2 night visit (48 nights per year with some extras here and there).

    now for my dilemma
    Ive been offered an amazing job, once in a lifetime, but its 4000k's away from where i currently am, Ive been given until the end of January to decide on whether or not i want to go, and im wondering how best to approach the issue with the ex. I know the legal ramifications of leaving without consent, and i dont feel like being dragged back to the place i left, homeless, and unable to adequately provide for my LG and myself. I would ultimately like to negotiate this agreement out of court, as i dont really want to have to PROVE why moving to an amazing job, that will support my daughter and myself a lot better, in an area that i have support networks in will be better off for us, also to save time, mutual civility(?) and ultimately save everyone's wallet. Ive drafted a rough estimate of school holiday visits (My LG Will be starting primary school this year), special events (birthdays, Christmas, Easter etc) and regular visits, and it totals well over 50 days, and i am more than happy to pay for this, with my child support entitlements, and the rest out of my own pocket.

    does anyone have any experience with circumstances like this? or even with moving interstate without needing to go to court? did you succeed? Do i sound like i am being reasonable? If i did end up facing court, does this sound like a reasonable enough reason to move?

    I've turned down a few very good jobs in other states over the last 12 months, purely because i wasnt sure i wanted to deal with these kinds of situations, and questions, but this current offer is far to good for me to just blatantly say no.

    TIA for any and all help!
    <3 Seriously stressed mama

  2. #2
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  3. #3
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    You seem like your trying to do the right thing by everyone which is very hard to do but kudos for you trying to keep father and daughter in contact. I would just talk to him, see how he feels and as long as he knows you are not taking her from him he may be ok.

    I will preface this next statement as I do not collect CS and never have so what I may do may not be what others do.

    I would tell CSA we have a private agreement and that we can work it all out. I would tell him that I dont want CS from him per say but that he needs to get the money together for her to come see him on these holidays etc.

    Or you could set up a bank account in your daughters and your name tell him to have the CS payments go into to pay for getting her to him on his visits that way he knows that there is a way that she can get to him because it would be very scary for a father to hear she can visit but not know that the money is there to get her to him.

    Get this all in writing, also that if he doesnt have the money to get her to him its not your fault.

    Good luck and hope it all works out for you guys.

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    Default single mum in need of lots of advice....

    Quote Originally Posted by Lovemyfam View Post
    You seem like your trying to do the right thing by everyone which is very hard to do but kudos for you trying to keep father and daughter in contact. I would just talk to him, see how he feels and as long as he knows you are not taking her from him he may be ok.

    I will preface this next statement as I do not collect CS and never have so what I may do may not be what others do.

    I would tell CSA we have a private agreement and that we can work it all out. I would tell him that I dont want CS from him per say but that he needs to get the money together for her to come see him on these holidays etc.

    Or you could set up a bank account in your daughters and your name tell him to have the CS payments go into to pay for getting her to him on his visits that way he knows that there is a way that she can get to him because it would be very scary for a father to hear she can visit but not know that the money is there to get her to him.

    Get this all in writing, also that if he doesnt have the money to get her to him its not your fault.

    Good luck and hope it all works out for you guys.
    I don't agree. Regardless of where you live, he should pay child support. OP, using this money to get her to visit her dad is fine but I wouldn't be telling CSA you had a private agreement or anything like that, I'm not sure why you have suggested this LMF, especially when the OP has said he has been emotionally abusive in the past and that she has a submissive personality. All this will do is allow him to hold CSA over your head OP.

    I agree that you are trying to come up with an idea that works for all, and by not cutting the amount of nights per year your ex sees your little one you are doing the right thing. You are still trying to accommodate their relationship while moving forwards with your own life. You can only try to approach him about it with your plan, but be prepared that if he doesn't go for it you may not be able to go. Of a certainty, you won't get before the courts before the end of jan, and if you do choose to take her and go, he is well within his rights to have the family court issue a recovery order which means even more upheaval for you both, and the courts may then rule in his favour.

    I hope it works out for you.

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    But he would essentially be paying maybe the account idea is better then the money is still coming and its there to use. Lets not assume that he is going to hold anything over her head, it seems that they have a healthy relationship now. My suggestion to get CSA out is because they can and do make mistakes there is no reason to have them involved if you can work it out on your own. They can always change it if he becomes abusive etc. You can go from private to collect at any time. He will still have to file taxes etc and they can step up to help when they are needed. Like i said just a suggestion and what I would do if faced with the same situation.

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    thanks girls! the advice is definitely appreciated!

    Just a few points -
    -His CS Is paid into a separate account anyway kind of like savings i guess
    -I get enough from him to cover MY DD Flights there and back
    -The only extra i'd have to pay would be for my own flights (My DD is 4.5 and cant fly on her own, not that i would want her to for at least another 4-5 years...i know what my daughter is like shes crazy enough on the ground)
    -The leaving and him bringing me back thing, thats what scared me the most and its why i havent tried to leave yet, and given the expiry on this job offer has such a short amount of time on it i do desperately want to avoid court waiting time, because if it comes to that it becomes a moot point

    I'm slowly figuring out my life is a walking ironic statement - I left because i didnt want to be controlled, or trapped anymore - and now, he still has the ability to control majority of my major life decisions

    Thanks again for all the advice girls! i really do appreciate it!
    I'm hoping to catch him on the weekend while hes not working and just sit down and have a long chat about it

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lanamuma90 View Post
    thanks girls! the advice is definitely appreciated!

    Just a few points -
    -His CS Is paid into a separate account anyway kind of like savings i guess
    -I get enough from him to cover MY DD Flights there and back
    -The only extra i'd have to pay would be for my own flights (My DD is 4.5 and cant fly on her own, not that i would want her to for at least another 4-5 years...i know what my daughter is like shes crazy enough on the ground)
    -The leaving and him bringing me back thing, thats what scared me the most and its why i havent tried to leave yet, and given the expiry on this job offer has such a short amount of time on it i do desperately want to avoid court waiting time, because if it comes to that it becomes a moot point

    I'm slowly figuring out my life is a walking ironic statement - I left because i didnt want to be controlled, or trapped anymore - and now, he still has the ability to control majority of my major life decisions

    Thanks again for all the advice girls! i really do appreciate it!
    I'm hoping to catch him on the weekend while hes not working and just sit down and have a long chat about it
    Dont look at it as being controlled, its doing what is best for the child and thats having a relationship with the father. Its not him per say as much as it is laws that a custodial parent just cant leave and make it so the child is refused the right to know both parents.

    I hope it goes well for you this weekend.

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    Default Re: single mum in need of lots of advice....

    I think before you speak to your ex you should seek some legal advice so you know what your rights are, and his too.

    Good luck

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    Lanamuma90  (28-11-2012)

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    Quote Originally Posted by maybenumber3 View Post
    I think before you speak to your ex you should seek some legal advice so you know what your rights are, and his too.

    Good luck

    Sent from my GT-I9100T using BubHub
    I agree with this. With court waiting times at this time of year you would not get a date until next year and you would need to have an exemption form mediation certificate as well (you would have had to attempt to mediate with your ex).

    In relation to child support I do know that if a certain percentage of your income goes towards paying to see your child then you can get a reassessment based on that fact (not that it really applies as you said you would wear the costs).

    My ex and I had an interstate agreement for a couple of years and it is expensive and hard to get flights that fit in with holidays. I travelled to and from all trips with them and it is a big day.

    Good luck, but get legal advice before you talk with him.

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    Lanamuma90  (28-11-2012),Lovemyfam  (28-11-2012)

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    Default Re: single mum in need of lots of advice....

    As bad as this sounds, due to there being no legal agreement ib place, you as primary carer can take her, he would have to go to court to get to see her, not that im saying you should do that, also id definetly go througj child support not just a private agreement, he left and didnt see her before, whats to say he wont do that again, you need to do wahats best for you and your daughter, dont let his feelings cloud your judgment on whats best, by the sounds of it he knows how to manipulate you and will end up getting what he wants
    seeing as she is almost at school age, it might be an idea instead of fortnighly visits, she saus with him half the school holidays,

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