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  1. #11
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    Default 100% custody questions

    I don't think it will happen either.

    I do think a teenager will probably do what they damn well please or be a pain in the bum about not getting what they want though. I remember being forced to see my Dad every 2nd weekend and on holidays too. I loathed them especially because it meant I was pretty much friendless during that period... I was allowed to invite friends over but not allowed to go to theirs... And why would I want them to come over to a house that wasn't mine and didn't have much stuff in it?

    Perhaps it might be easier to organise to see the girl but not for such long periods. 2 weeks of holidays will be a nightmare if she doesn't want to be there.

    I'm really sorry this is happening. It would suck to be your husband.

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  3. #12
    OJandMe's Avatar
    OJandMe is offline I am the strength my children will have.
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    Another question- What is her set-up at her dad's and your house? Does she have her own room? Her own clothes? Her own things? Is it completely set up so it's just 'her other house' or does she always have to bring things with her like she's 'visiting'.

    I would HATE that, I'd rather stay where I felt like it was 'home' too.

    If she doesn't have her own room there, maybe that's something you and her Dad could sort out- so she feels more of a connection to her Dad's house as 'her' house. And friends shouldn't be an issue... you're 2 streets away!

  4. #13
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    Has she said the reasons that she does not want to come over?

    Maybe a control issue, as in having control over her environment not having to go somewhere every 2nd weekend etc....Just an idea.

    She is at the age where her opinion counts has just your husband had a talk with his daughter? Like going out and having a coffee and having some one on one time and see if he can open some communication about the issue.

    Family court is so expensive

  5. #14
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    Default 100% custody questions

    We have a room for her, queen size bed tv DVD player, we decorated it exactly like she wanted. We also set up a desk with a computer wifi etc in there so she can do any homework she may have. We brought loads of clothes for her to keep here but they have all slowly disappeared back to her mothers.

    As for the friends, her mother texts her after they have left. Saying things like "such and such was here and you missed such a great laugh, hope your having fun at your boring dads." All childish stuff but it upsets DSD

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    Default 100% custody questions

    The only reason she gives for not coming over is she is too busy with work and school.

    The only time she wants to come here is if we are doing something like going to a theme park or the movies etc. Once she is here though she loves playing with her 1 yr old sister and 2 yr old brother.

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    I don't think at 15 there is a need for a parenting order. If she wants to come to your house she will. She's to old to be forced into going. It sounds like her mum is applying for 100% custody so that she can get more money from child support. Especially, if she has realized that the Child support payments will be stopped in a few years.

  8. #17
    2plus3equals6 is offline impatiently waiting TTC miracle number 4
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    having an 18yo DSS I suggest you just saying to your DSD that you know her Mum is putting guilt trip on her and it is making things hard for her to feel she can come around and feel relaxed at your place on 'set visits', you get that she may want to stay at her Mums cause it is easier so you will let her do that and just see her for pick up from work times etc ensuring that she knows you love her, want to be part of her life but because you love her so much your not going to use her as a pawn in a game of guilt trips, she is nearly old enough to move out and do as she pleases so for the sake of making her life a little less stressed til then I wouldn't fuss on the matter of visitation she will see through her Mum in time and letting go sometimes is the best way to bring them closer.

    My DSS's birth mother is the queen of guilt tripping, the number of times my DSS cried and stressed over the games she played was horrible so we did the above with him, at 17 he came to us moved in full time and told us that he has worked out she lied and manipulated him to make him feel bad and her get her way and he ain't playing along anymore, he is 18 now and going strength to strength and his BM can't do anything about it... but it helps that we live on other side of country now too.

    at 15 a family court will give very little time to the EXs wishes as the child is old enough to know what she wants.
    Last edited by 2plus3equals6; 26-11-2012 at 17:44.

  9. #18
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    Default 100% custody questions

    Quote Originally Posted by 2plus3equals6 View Post
    having an 18yo DSS I suggest you just saying to your DSD that you know her Mum is putting guilt trip on her and it is making things hard for her to feel she can come around and feel relaxed at your place you get that she may want to stay at her Mums cause it is easier so you will let her do that ensuring that she knows you love her, want to be part of her life but because you love her so much your not going to use her as a pawn in a game of guilt trips, she is nearly old enough to move out and do as she pleases so for the sake of making her life a little less stressed I wouldn't fuss on the matter of visitation.

    My DSSs birth mother is the queen of guilt tripping and we did that with him, at 17 he came to us moved in full time and told us that he has worked out she lied and manipulated him and how she did it was wrong and he ain't playing along anymore, he is 18 now and going strength to strength and his BM can't do anything about it... but it helps that we live on other side of country now too.
    I would be focussing on Positives at your house rather then running down the mum. Chances are if mum has been primary carer all of daughters life then her loyalty will be with mother. Bribery doesn't work either. Believe me. My father tried both. While I never heard a negative word from my mum about my father, my father ran down my mum at every chance and tried bribery to get us to want to spend time with him. Guess who is now cut from my life and who I see once a week and talk to everyday?

  10. #19
    2plus3equals6 is offline impatiently waiting TTC miracle number 4
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    Quote Originally Posted by ItWasntMe View Post
    I would be focussing on Positives at your house rather then running down the mum. Chances are if mum has been primary carer all of daughters life then her loyalty will be with mother.
    Oh sorry if my post read wrongly I didn't mean run down the Mum at all to the OPs DSD I just meant be factual about knowing she gets messages and you know it makes her feel torn between the two homes and you would rather give up some time with her than see her torn like that iykwim.

    I always told my DSS his Mum is his Mum we know he loves her and she loves him like we do and regardless of all the games and fighting or what ever had beeen going on that she is doing what she thinks is best but as he knew sometimes the way she went about things wrong and we knew it made things harder for him so he needs to focus on what makes him happier. So I did be straight up with him about what she was doing cause he knew it too but I didn't put her down just stated rather than keep putting him in the middle and him feeling torn between we would give up some of our time to make his day to day life easily, his BM was the primary carer and he felt oblidged/loyal to her over us so someone had to give a bit and to our favour we did and got so much in return in time when he was ready to 'cut the apron strings' as they say.

  11. #20
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    To be honest the picture painted makes the mother sound selfish, lonely and manipulative.

    What that usually means is the child has a period where they listen, and then they start to build their own opinion of the other parent, and are traditionally less than impressed with the manipulation from the custodial parent.

    The bottom line is too much fighting might risk your relationship with DSD considering her age and the current situation. Could you maybe see her more often for shorter periods of time so that the mother feels less threatened? Invite DSD for a movie a few hours once a week, and not make it overnight. Of course don't deny an overnight, but take the pressure off?

    I also love the idea of getting her to babysit. Even if it's when you're home, but almost nannying so that you can clean/meal plan etc etc...

    Such a stressful and painful situation. I do hope that DSD gets to have the relationship with her father and extended family that she deserves.


 

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