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  1. #1
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    Default Why I don't want a baby right now - Week 5, Day 6 - Blog 54

    Last night I asked my husband if we could go back to using contraception. Anyone who knows me will know that this is a massive deal. I have wanted a baby for as long as I can remember. I was 21 when my SIL got pregnant with my nephew and despite the fact that I didn't even have a boyfriend at the time, I was devastated because I wanted a baby so bad!

    My plan was always to be married and have my first baby by the time I was 25. I met my husband when I was 25, we got married when I was 28 and my new goal was to have a baby before my 30th birthday. My husband, however, likes to take his time with big decisions and it wasn't until 9 months after the wedding that he finally agreed to try for a baby.

    After four years of using the withdrawal method for contraception (yes, I got my hopes up every month that it would fail us and yes I was terrified that we had infertility problems because it didn't), I got pregnant our first month trying and was actually due to have the baby two and a half months before I turned 30. Unfortunately we lost our baby at 9 weeks and 2 days.

    During my short time being pregnant, I used the risk of Listeria as an excuse to eat crap (hey, chips and gravy don't carry any Listeria risk!) and after I lost the baby, I drowned my sorrows in lots of fatty, sugary foods. I gained 7kgs just between the miscarriage and the start of this competition so that's a 1kg a month gain.

    It's taken me so long to get to the point that I am at now. The best way I can explain it is what I said to a friend, "I need to find happiness within myself and stop trying to find it in a BFP". For so long I've thought that everything would be hunky dory and that if only I could get a positive pregnancy test, I would suddenly and magically be happy.

    I think the amount of stress and pressure that I've put on myself over the last eight months in wanting to get pregnant again so bad has been part of what has stopped me getting pregnant plus my body wasn't really in the best physical condition to handle a pregnancy anyway.

    I've come to realise through the course of this challenge that it is incredibly important for me to continue on with this life-changing experience. I feel so positive and slowly I'm getting my confidence back, I even wore make-up, a dress and posed for pictures when I was out at dinner last night which is huge for me! I honestly never bothered with my appearance before. I didn't feel beautiful so I didn't make any attempt to look better.

    I know now that I need to become me again, the me that is outgoing and vivacious and fun. Not the girl who has been stuck in her shell for a decade.

    A BFP will come for me and it will be next year. After I have found the happiness in me, the joy of finally having a baby will be so much more fulfilling. It will be an added bonus and not the only source of happiness in my life.
    Last edited by Apple iPhart6; 26-11-2012 at 09:02.

  2. #2
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    London is offline “I think we're losing our sense of humor instead of being able to relax and laugh at ourselves" - Betty White
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    Bravo babe. Thats a massive step and it sounds like it is absolutely in the right direction. Kudos

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    I just came across this and wanted to say that I found your post very inspiring. Good on you for realising that happiness is within. I wish you the best of luck on your finding happiness within journey

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    Default Why I don't want a baby right now - Week 5, Day 6 - Blog 54

    Thanks guys, I really appreciate your comments and support. This was a big, big thing for me and that's one of the biggest changes like you said FirstTimeMummy, realising that happiness needs to come from within and not from some kind of action or event. Getting pregnant is not a magic solution to make me feel better about myself when it wouldn't address the root cause of my unhappiness. If someone had tried to tell me this two months ago (and people did!), I would've brushed off their advice. It was a realisation that I had to come to on my own.

    London, love you as always!
    Last edited by Apple iPhart6; 26-11-2012 at 14:30.

  5. #5
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    Default Why I don't want a baby right now - Week 5, Day 6 - Blog 54

    What a brave decision!! I think the fact that you are strong enough to put this deep desire on hold is a huge achievement and a great marker in how far you have come during this challenge. It's amazing what a positive effect it is having on all of us!

    If you're happy with your decision, I am completely happy for you and can't wait to see what you look like on the other side! Bravo, you marvellous woman!

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    Default Why I don't want a baby right now - Week 5, Day 6 - Blog 54

    Thanks hun! I am happy with my decision for the first time in a long time. I still want a baby so much but I know that waiting is the right thing to do. Once I'm happier, healthier and fitter, I'll be in a better state of mind and body to take on the emotional challenges of TTC again.

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    Default Why I don't want a baby right now - Week 5, Day 6 - Blog 54

    Love this post. I have been in the exact same position you are and am sort of back in that position now. I wanted #2 close to DS but now I'm thinking I can't do that until I'm healthy. So we're not going to ttc for a while now. I still get a little pang as I am really clucky but I know it's better for me to be healthy and happy first. Your baby will love you no matter what but you have to love you too xxx

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    Yup, it's hard because I want a baby so badly but I also know that I am absolutely making the right decision. When you and I are happy and healthy and love ourselves, then the time to TTC will be upon us and before we know it we'll have bubs in our arms!

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    Default Why I don't want a baby right now - Week 5, Day 6 - Blog 54

    Goblin Queen, I'm experiencing the same thing. We have wanted a baby so bad and after 2.5 years of TTC we finally fell pregnant with twins. Nearly 19 weeks into the pregnancy lost both bubs. This happened only a few weeks ago and I am also drowning my sorrows in food. I was so careful before but I know that I have given up with the amount and type of food I am eating.

    This is so hard, like you hopefully I find that positive place soon.
    Last edited by Rachael3; 01-12-2012 at 12:00.

  10. #10
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    Oh hun, I was just looking at your signature and you've had such a rough journey. It is so, so hard when you're grieving I know but the cycle you're in of eating crap food will only make you feel worse. For me, it didn't get better until I passed my due date and I had something else to focus on. A lot of people had told me that for them it didn't get better until they got pregnant again but none of those people ever hit their due date without falling pregnant again so it was like I had this Sword of Damocles over my head and I needed to get pregnant before my due date hit.

    Go back to eating well and exercising, even though you'll still be in pain, you'll feel physically better for it. Each day is a struggle but every day it gets a little bit easier, then you'll see someone who's pregnant or you'll read a Facebook update and you'll find yourself in tears again. I had to leave Facebook the Friday before Mother's Day because I knew I couldn't handle it anymore. Eventually you'll stop thinking in terms of "I should be X weeks pregnant today" and you'll find the more positive place that it's taken me eight months to find. I'm always here if you ever need to talk to someone.


 

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