Last night I asked my husband if we could go back to using contraception. Anyone who knows me will know that this is a massive deal. I have wanted a baby for as long as I can remember. I was 21 when my SIL got pregnant with my nephew and despite the fact that I didn't even have a boyfriend at the time, I was devastated because I wanted a baby so bad!
My plan was always to be married and have my first baby by the time I was 25. I met my husband when I was 25, we got married when I was 28 and my new goal was to have a baby before my 30th birthday. My husband, however, likes to take his time with big decisions and it wasn't until 9 months after the wedding that he finally agreed to try for a baby.
After four years of using the withdrawal method for contraception (yes, I got my hopes up every month that it would fail us and yes I was terrified that we had infertility problems because it didn't), I got pregnant our first month trying and was actually due to have the baby two and a half months before I turned 30. Unfortunately we lost our baby at 9 weeks and 2 days.
During my short time being pregnant, I used the risk of Listeria as an excuse to eat crap (hey, chips and gravy don't carry any Listeria risk!) and after I lost the baby, I drowned my sorrows in lots of fatty, sugary foods. I gained 7kgs just between the miscarriage and the start of this competition so that's a 1kg a month gain.
It's taken me so long to get to the point that I am at now. The best way I can explain it is what I said to a friend, "I need to find happiness within myself and stop trying to find it in a BFP". For so long I've thought that everything would be hunky dory and that if only I could get a positive pregnancy test, I would suddenly and magically be happy.
I think the amount of stress and pressure that I've put on myself over the last eight months in wanting to get pregnant again so bad has been part of what has stopped me getting pregnant plus my body wasn't really in the best physical condition to handle a pregnancy anyway.
I've come to realise through the course of this challenge that it is incredibly important for me to continue on with this life-changing experience. I feel so positive and slowly I'm getting my confidence back, I even wore make-up, a dress and posed for pictures when I was out at dinner last night which is huge for me! I honestly never bothered with my appearance before. I didn't feel beautiful so I didn't make any attempt to look better.
I know now that I need to become me again, the me that is outgoing and vivacious and fun. Not the girl who has been stuck in her shell for a decade.
A BFP will come for me and it will be next year. After I have found the happiness in me, the joy of finally having a baby will be so much more fulfilling. It will be an added bonus and not the only source of happiness in my life.