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  1. #81
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    Happy New Years girls, hope you were able to have as good a night as possible.

    RE: Your period Munch. I often only have a "regular/light" bleed for 2-3 days and then only a day or two of spotting, so I kinda think you shouldn't worry, many regularly have light periods or periods that don't last many days. Ovulating...You can physically tell you are ovulating because a week or two before your period you get a kinda clear/whitish discharge for about a week or so, thinner when you're "fertile" and thicker on the day or two you actually ovulate. So if this was your normal period, in about 12 days you should start to notice the discharge I am talking about. You'll work it out! Did you have your appt with your OB/GYN? I would honestly wait until you have all your autopsy results back before TTCing. Even though your OB says she doesn't think anything was wrong with Skye, having all your answers before getting pregnant again, I think, would really help with peace of mind. I would think you only have a week or two longer to wait for those results anyways, right? Timing wise, will be great if you can figure out how to make your pregnancy work with all you want to do this next year, but keep in mind that you may not get pregnant straight away (or you may!) so timing is not always going to be perfect for all your future plans. Like with ovulating, you'll work it out!

    Let me know what you figure out with the Teddy Bear Drive and how it all works. I'd love to help and if not, at least donate some bears, or do the same for Clem or even do it together, but understand you may want it just for Skye. No worries on any front, just know that I would love to help in someway even if it's just a bear! Good idea doing it for her EDD, I may copy you for Clem's EDD!

    When I was looking for an infant urn online I came across a few websites that also had a few necklaces. Etsy also had some as well, so that may be a way to find a more affordable one since Etsy is usually affordable but then special because it's creative people hand-making things. I'm ok with leaving her at home, I think??? We don't have her back yet so maybe I can't answer that question honestly. I haven't thought about her being here while I'm at work but have thought about taking her up to Port Douglas with us (that went along with my "what if there's a fire" fears). We're engraving DH's wedding ring for his something special and then having a necklace made for me. Just a simple, small gold bar with "Clementine" on the front and Dec. 5 2012 on the back. I want it as small and "dainty" as possible because I don't really wear jewelry and if I'm going to wear it every day I want it to be simple/elegant. We haven't actually bought it yet, our jeweler is making it and I'm nervous about fully committing the money because I don't know if I'll like the finished product. I'm trying to find similar styles of necklaces to try on so I can at least see if I like how it looks on me, how it would sit, etc. I want my wedding ring engraved as well...I'll just do everything!

    I wasn't offended by you speaking about Skye's birth certificate, don't worry!

    Your therapist may have been away for the holidays so maybe just try calling her tomorrow. Had she not said anything about being away?

    Our parents are driving me nuts. They have been told more than once what we need from them and that we are communicating with others. They just keep pushing and are obviously not understanding. Since it is all by email I'm just not going to respond anymore. No matter how much I try to explain it all it's obviously not getting through to them and the constant back and forth is frustrating and draining me so I'm just going to no respond to those types of emails and hope they just leave it.

    We had a nice night last night with a few friends. I thought I would only last a couple hours but made it to past midnight and really enjoyed myself. That particular group of friends has been really great for us. But at midnight my heart broke. Everyone kept saying "Happy 2013" and that they knew 2013 would be a great year for us. They didn't say anything wrong but it just made me sad because 2013 was meant to be Clem's year and saying goodbye to 2012 and the only months I had her in my tummy felt like a really big goodbye. I had a few glasses of bubbles and felt guilty again today. This what happens, I all the sudden get really upset and think to myself "What are you doing?! You're about to have a baby and can't be doing stuff like this!" and then I realize that no, I'm not pregnant anymore and it makes me so sad. I've been a little numb today and have really wanted to have a massive cry but can't get anything out. Ugh.

    We have found a catsitter! I would have boarded them as a last result but they are both indoor cats and I thought 10 days boarding would have been really stressful for them, or any cat! But yeah! A friend sent our message out and found a friend of theirs that wants to do it so I am feeling very relieved about that. She seems like a nice girl, coming over tomorrow to meet me.

    Have a good night ladies. xo

  2. #82
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    Hi ladies ..
    Glad there were some happy moments for you during the nye..time.. Like you say it wasn't such "Happy" it was saying good bye to many things ..And like you both again being reminded of who we are missing .. Sooooooo glad the "happy" season is over!!! i have ok nye but had a big cry & was pretty sad & flat on ny day.. As I'm sure you ladies wld understand.. I still didn't even feel like drinking.. I'm sooo boring these days ..
    Well I'm hoping to send off the birth cert papers tomorrow.. And another friggin something .. I rang centalink twice .. On hold for well over 35mins.. Each time .. They have not recieved my paperwork to claim baby bonus !!! Faaaarrrrkkk

    Ill do another quick back ground oh how much I'm angry at the private hospital ... I had my baby.. No bereavement nurse after to talk to me .. About anything .. A councilor came, she just sat there & watched us.. Told me her fees are $100 per hour & where her office is, not based at hospital.. Confusion with staff as to if I has late MC or still born as baby was size of 15w but I was 20w gest.. qld goes by mothers gestation.. Nurse gave me baby bonus pack, but no one filled out birth section ( didn't realise this till afternoon of the funeral) hospital told me the furneral people was free.. Later found out when trying to organise furneral that it was going to cost over $700 WTF!!! Late mc is free stillborn is charged .. The furneral people were on the south side on Brisbane city.. I live & hospital is on northside of city.. So I organised my own furneral people ( local) charge was under $400... Hospital only gave me the sands booklet..no other breavement info.. No teddy.. No I'm sorry .. No friggin nothing !!!!!!!!! No one to tell me to sing to our baby.. Read to .. Touch.. Talk to..rock him.. Look at.. Bath.. How to make the most of our only time together.. How to love my baby when I'm in complete shock & in 120% self blame of killing my baby.. ( that's how I felt, but baby had the cord around its neck 3 times)
    I walked out of hospital with that sands booklet, & the cane basket that they put him in!!!!! I downloaded my own forms for birth reg & cert!!! Got a phone call from my obs over a week later saying that he was wrong we actually had a GIRL.. But on paper our baby is a boy.. John Robert ... No follow up call from hospital .. Only from my obs twice .. Once to tell me about our baby being a girl & another time to see how I was doing.. So that's me !!!!
    We did think about having the ashes at home with us .. But we thought it wld be toooo much for the girls ( moreso elly & myself) to not cry every time we walked past them.. And then the what if's.. The house burnt .. They got stolen ?? Sorry don't want to put ideas in your head.. She had a shrine for him in her room with the cane basket & allllll her letters & drawings she did of him & our family.. but we couldnt watch her.. monitor her grieving process as it was in her room.. we slowly took it away at the end of nov.. we put it in a folder, which she regularly adds to.. So if we kept the ashes at home, i think that constant visual reminder would be tooo much for her.. Shes 6yo & still says we are a family of 5, & still writes letters to him( we can't tell her he was a girl, think that would cause her sooo much confusion & grief) we brought her a bear to cuddle when she's sad, & let her openly talk about him when she needs to. As you ladies have been talking about getting things engraved the idea of getting a tattoo pops into my head.. As I lye awake most nights.. I've thought of something special .. "
    2 children walk with me, 4 angels fly above" or
    2 children walk this earth... 4 angels watch from above"
    ???? I don't have any tattoo's but I thought that maybe???? Really don't know.. Just an idea.. I don't know if I like the ashes in the locket idea. Wld have to get the locket sealed as well ??
    Glad you both have good plans set in place for when you return to work .. Working through my whole experience ... Having people that understand has helped the "somewhat normal life goes on when your grieving somewhat bearable ..... Hope that makes sense ..munch your got a fantastic work environment for all those people to support you..
    Kirst good idea to just ignore your inlaws n parents via email .... That the beauty of living in another country away from family hehehehe ..
    Geez munch .. Sounds like your 2013 is full on already and it's only just started .. But also sounds like you might be pregnant before you know it.. Kist sure your you'll won't be far behind munch .. Both with your number 2 baby's .. Try n think of it as adding to your family .. Not replacing your angel babies..

    Kirst, Horray for your friend .. And for the cats not to have to go to a kennel .. Maybe this holiday could be the start of your new life experience..
    Munch how wonderful you are to forward on the kind & thoughtful gift you recieved in your time on deepest sorrow .. Can I help too.. Or donate some money for you to buy a bear on our behalf as we are in qld.. Wld hate for someone to walk in my shoes empty handed & empty hearted from the stupid hospital I was at.. Or I may even try n look into something up here... Especially with my hospital in question .....
    Ladies I think I might added those to books you suggested to my reading ..thank you for providing the links kirst ..
    Well I'm back to the psych tomorrow .. Think ill continue seeing him until I pass my due date ... I'm sure in the lead up things are going to get rocky.. As it probably is the same for you both.. Want to do something special for the due date.. Just don't know what yet.. I really hope that we bury the ashes before my due date.. We are all going yo help bury the ashes.. Think it might be sentimental for us all, I know it will be emotional but I really hope the it closes one chapter & opens another.. If the ashes are buried before my due date I think we'll have a picnic by the plaque .. We have chosen such a lovely spot.. Shady, and there's a creek.. Ducks, very tranquil

    Any news from anyone's autopsy results ??
    Well ladies I hope I'm up to date with everyone .. xxx as the days roll on i really hope that you find the strength to experience life..

  3. #83
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    Oh had a very quiet nye.. Had BBQ with the Neighbours .. Stayed up till midnight drinking coffee & water ...
    Had a quiet day new year day cleaning the house !!! Boring. !!!!

  4. #84
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    Default Wish it was a dream...

    Quote Originally Posted by gracec View Post
    Hi ladies ..
    Glad there were some happy moments for you during the nye..time.. Like you say it wasn't such "Happy" it was saying good bye to many things ..And like you both again being reminded of who we are missing .. Sooooooo glad the "happy" season is over!!! i have ok nye but had a big cry & was pretty sad & flat on ny day.. As I'm sure you ladies wld understand.. I still didn't even feel like drinking.. I'm sooo boring these days ..
    Well I'm hoping to send off the birth cert papers tomorrow.. And another friggin something .. I rang centalink twice .. On hold for well over 35mins.. Each time .. They have not recieved my paperwork to claim baby bonus !!! Faaaarrrrkkk

    Ill do another quick back ground oh how much I'm angry at the private hospital ... I had my baby.. No bereavement nurse after to talk to me .. About anything .. A councilor came, she just sat there & watched us.. Told me her fees are $100 per hour & where her office is, not based at hospital.. Confusion with staff as to if I has late MC or still born as baby was size of 15w but I was 20w gest.. qld goes by mothers gestation.. Nurse gave me baby bonus pack, but no one filled out birth section ( didn't realise this till afternoon of the funeral) hospital told me the furneral people was free.. Later found out when trying to organise furneral that it was going to cost over $700 WTF!!! Late mc is free stillborn is charged .. The furneral people were on the south side on Brisbane city.. I live & hospital is on northside of city.. So I organised my own furneral people ( local) charge was under $400... Hospital only gave me the sands booklet..no other breavement info.. No teddy.. No I'm sorry .. No friggin nothing !!!!!!!!! No one to tell me to sing to our baby.. Read to .. Touch.. Talk to..rock him.. Look at.. Bath.. How to make the most of our only time together.. How to love my baby when I'm in complete shock & in 120% self blame of killing my baby.. ( that's how I felt, but baby had the cord around its neck 3 times)
    I walked out of hospital with that sands booklet, & the cane basket that they put him in!!!!! I downloaded my own forms for birth reg & cert!!! Got a phone call from my obs over a week later saying that he was wrong we actually had a GIRL.. But on paper our baby is a boy.. John Robert ... No follow up call from hospital .. Only from my obs twice .. Once to tell me about our baby being a girl & another time to see how I was doing.. So that's me !!!!
    We did think about having the ashes at home with us .. But we thought it wld be toooo much for the girls ( moreso elly & myself) to not cry every time we walked past them.. And then the what if's.. The house burnt .. They got stolen ?? Sorry don't want to put ideas in your head.. She had a shrine for him in her room with the cane basket & allllll her letters & drawings she did of him & our family.. but we couldnt watch her.. monitor her grieving process as it was in her room.. we slowly took it away at the end of nov.. we put it in a folder, which she regularly adds to.. So if we kept the ashes at home, i think that constant visual reminder would be tooo much for her.. Shes 6yo & still says we are a family of 5, & still writes letters to him( we can't tell her he was a girl, think that would cause her sooo much confusion & grief) we brought her a bear to cuddle when she's sad, & let her openly talk about him when she needs to. As you ladies have been talking about getting things engraved the idea of getting a tattoo pops into my head.. As I lye awake most nights.. I've thought of something special .. "
    2 children walk with me, 4 angels fly above" or
    2 children walk this earth... 4 angels watch from above"
    ???? I don't have any tattoo's but I thought that maybe???? Really don't know.. Just an idea.. I don't know if I like the ashes in the locket idea. Wld have to get the locket sealed as well ??
    Glad you both have good plans set in place for when you return to work .. Working through my whole experience ... Having people that understand has helped the "somewhat normal life goes on when your grieving somewhat bearable ..... Hope that makes sense ..munch your got a fantastic work environment for all those people to support you..
    Kirst good idea to just ignore your inlaws n parents via email .... That the beauty of living in another country away from family hehehehe ..
    Geez munch .. Sounds like your 2013 is full on already and it's only just started .. But also sounds like you might be pregnant before you know it.. Kist sure your you'll won't be far behind munch .. Both with your number 2 baby's .. Try n think of it as adding to your family .. Not replacing your angel babies..

    Kirst, Horray for your friend .. And for the cats not to have to go to a kennel .. Maybe this holiday could be the start of your new life experience..
    Munch how wonderful you are to forward on the kind & thoughtful gift you recieved in your time on deepest sorrow .. Can I help too.. Or donate some money for you to buy a bear on our behalf as we are in qld.. Wld hate for someone to walk in my shoes empty handed & empty hearted from the stupid hospital I was at.. Or I may even try n look into something up here... Especially with my hospital in question .....
    Ladies I think I might added those to books you suggested to my reading ..thank you for providing the links kirst ..
    Well I'm back to the psych tomorrow .. Think ill continue seeing him until I pass my due date ... I'm sure in the lead up things are going to get rocky.. As it probably is the same for you both.. Want to do something special for the due date.. Just don't know what yet.. I really hope that we bury the ashes before my due date.. We are all going yo help bury the ashes.. Think it might be sentimental for us all, I know it will be emotional but I really hope the it closes one chapter & opens another.. If the ashes are buried before my due date I think we'll have a picnic by the plaque .. We have chosen such a lovely spot.. Shady, and there's a creek.. Ducks, very tranquil

    Any news from anyone's autopsy results ??
    Well ladies I hope I'm up to date with everyone .. xxx as the days roll on i really hope that you find the strength to experience life..
    Sorry for your loss, I couldn't imagine but I wanted to share an idea girl I know did on her baby's due date after a stillborn she went hot air ballooning, she felt it brought them closer to him! Just an idea xx

  5. #85
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    Hi Marttc
    Thanks for the idea .. I had planned a hot air ballon ride before kids.. But it got cxled due to bad weather it was a bit expensive back then.. But I've become more scared of heights since my younger days.. I was even freaking out when i went on the brisbane eye ( big ferris wheel in brisbane, south bank) 2 years ago !!! But will re look into it.. Might be in a different mental state!!! Maybe hubby & I.. Without the girls although I'm sure my 6 yo wld love it..
    Thanks
    xxxx

  6. #86
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    Hi Ladies...
    How’s everyone doing? Today, me not great, but I guess not too bad... We met again with our counsellor this morning and, well I dunno, I’m still not feeling it...DH said that he still thinks I should stick with it a couple more times, so we’ll see...
    Because the counsellor is literally a couple of doors down from our OB, I popped my head in to see if any more results had come in, but still nothing, so I might call each Friday to check in. The sooner the better, we really just want to know if there was anything wrong so we can continue our grieving and moving forward...
    And Kirst, don’t worry, I know that sometimes TTC can take some time, I’m not putting my life on hold and taking a bit of a relaxed approach, I have downloaded a fertility app but not really looked into it or anything as I’m not that interested at this point....just take it as it comes...The world wont end if it takes some time...just means we have more time to enjoy our time together as husband and wife, etc...although being able to get pregnant straight away would be awesome! J
    Teddy Bear Drive, I’ve spoken to our family and everyone is very very keen to help out which is nice. My dad works for TNT (Transport company) and he said that they are big on supporting charities etc, so he’s very keen to get them on board too...I’m excited... I am still awaiting an email back, I assume because there’s been a couple of working days since I hit send that they are on holidays....I might wait until Tuesday/Wednesday of next week and still if nothing might give them a call or something to follow up. I just very conscious of dates and it would be ideal if I could send them to TLC on her due date....fingers crossed... With you guys wanting to help out, Grace I’m more than happy to buy one on your behalf if you wanted to donate. Let me know if you would like to do this (after I get the information and know what’s going on first of course!) Kirst, I am happy if you would like to be a part of it too. Let’s wait until I get the info and we can work it out from there.... Or if you are wanting to hold your own for Clem, I can pass on the initial info....We’ll work something out...
    Thanks for suggesting Etsy too... I don’t think I’m going to get one at this stage, we have said that we wouldn’t want to separate her ashes at this point, but I’ll definitely keep it in mind! I think I’m a little bit more at peace with leaving her at home, day to day is not bad, it’s just the overnight that might be a problem....don’t have any trips away until June at this point so should be ok! Even then though, I’ll be allowed to take her TLC teddy...
    In relation to your parents, maybe what Grace has suggested, give them some time, don’t reply for a little while...it’s really a lose lose situation though...my IL’s are overseas too but thankfully have completely given us our space....
    And great news about the catsitter, have you been able to meet her yet? I saw that she cancelled on meeting you the other day... When do you go away again? Is it on the 10th?
    Grace, how long ago did you send off the Baby bonus paperwork? I took mine in to Centrelink on Xmas Eve....but my PPL is paid through work so next pay is in 2 weeks, lets hope it’s in...would be nice to book our Fiji trip for my friends wedding in June...it’s also where we had our honeymoon so that should be extra nice!
    Grace, reading your story again but in much more depth....I was astounded at all the issues you have encountered and my heart breaks more for you! Are you still seeing that counsellor from the hospital? I take it you went and found someone else? Did you research the private hospital before deciding that was the one for you? Or have you done so since? To see if other women have had similar, poor experiences...Although in saying that I don’t know if that’s going to help anything... I can’t believe they didn’t fill in their part of the forms...what we’ve been though isn’t something that they’d deal with every day but come on, they should know what to do in these situations!
    And with regards to the funeral people, they only had one suggestion for you? You should have been given the choice upfront, not told just the one! That’s appalling! So sorry for you! Even if they were only suggesting the one company, they should at least give you the right information!!! Skye’s cremation and urn, along with their service was about $1200 I think....expensive I thought but what else could we do!
    And they told you the wrong sex?! At 20 weeks I don’t know that the genitals are fully formed yet, but sure if they didn’t know they should have been honest and told you so...rather than just take a guess. I really don’t know what else to say....I’m so sorry that you had such a horrendous experience....
    Ashes, I have the same thoughts about what if the house burns down, but I see her being here with us, rather than a cemetery...everyone is different though. We light her candle for a couple of minutes when we are getting ready to go to bed, and give her urn a kiss goodnight when we blow the candle out each night so that’s why it’s better for us, to have her at home.
    It’s nice that your daughter is doing so much to remember her little brother (!? – sorry, would you like us to continue as a male, or a female? Please let us know so we don’t offend you further... ) I think taking the shrine out of her bedroom is wise, as you say, you can monitor her grieving but of course still let her have some space...the folder is good, something that she’ll be able to look through (hopefully) as she grows older, and will continue to keep adding to her memories
    Grace, a tattoo is a nice idea....I really like the first one, 2 children walk with me, 4 angels fly above...I think I like this one because walking and flying are similar, if you know what I mean...I said I’d only ever hve one tattoo...I now have 3...I have my first, which was when I turned 18 and was the one and only one I initially wanted...then my uncle had a motorbike accident and died, I got one in his memory...then my husband and I were in USA and we got our starsigns, something that was together but not each others names... I mentioned that I might want another tattoo, but at this stage I’m not sure so not going to rush into anything....
    Marttc – that’s a great idea about the going up in a hot air balloon....If only it wasn’t so expensive that we could do it on all of the special occasions to be close to our angels! J I have actually been hot air ballooning twice now, it’s amazing and I love it....so peaceful, but I guess if you’re afraid of heights it maybe wouldn’t be so peaceful!
    Anyways, will close now, keep this one slightly shorter than the rest...
    Hope you’re all coping with the hot weater, 39.6 in my nek of the woods and I have a splitting headache!
    x

  7. #87
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    Hi ladies ..
    Munch In regards to your councilor ... Do you think your holding back at all cause hubby is there n your being careful in regards to his feeling & emotions ??? If your ok with hubby being there .. Maybe try someone else ... Just for compassion sake ?? At the beginning I was seeing my psych every 2 weeks so we got on top of things pretty quickly ... Now I see him every 3 weeks.. It's a good hour where I can cry.. Talk about hubby.. Babies .. Sex .. Anything.. My gp have to 3 people to try .. He was the one that could see me on a day that suited me.. I think being a male is good to.. He tells me stuff about his personal life to.. We are working on " (me not self blaming) for my babies dying .. We make small steps .. Also working on the "no more babies" thing and a load of other things going way back from our years of trying & failing .. The counsilor that I saw the day after I gavd birth was useless .. Knew I wasn't going to waste my time with her... She didn't even suggest a mental health plan as Ito may take a while to recover mentally !!!
    My obs said that our autopsy/chromosome test/ results may take up to a year !!!! and then they may still never find anything .. So I think it's amazing that you've been told that your results shld be back in a matter of weeks.. I'm sure your both holding your breath for an answer !!! Waiting to breathe or process your next steps to having a heathy baby in arms .. Glad on the other hand your having a relaxed approach to conceiving again with all your upcoming events ..
    Hopefully TLC will contact you in time for Skye's due date..
    Are u ladies getting finding that as your due date gets closer your getting more emotional ?? I'm am but I'm guessing its normal .. Still have my " what if's" ...
    Munch when I spoke to centalink they said that the baby bonus payments normal take about 2 weeks so fringes crossed you'll be booking that holiday very soon
    I sent mine off mid November !!!!!!
    So not sure where they have ended up.. And I didn't receive new one in the mail today so anxiously waiting for Mondays mail ... Was wanting to hand it back ASAP .. But again out of my control
    It was the same hospital that I've had my egg pick up's .. Transfer's &D &C's, had emerg ceaser ( at 30wks gest) there with my now 2yo.. Never had any problems.. was recommending the hospital constantly... So really really don't know what went wrong .. Well I do but put it ALL down to Poor communication .. They knew on Tuesday .. That my baby had no heart beat.. Had a scan that afternoon & the baby was the size if a 15wk old.. I saw my obs on Wednesday & he Said that your 20wks gest ... This will be a birth !!! The hospital was going off my scan NOT my gestation !!!!!!! So the domino effect of the hospital having the wrong impression started ... and things still aren't corrected .. I again blame the hospital .. I feel that if I had some guidance to wait for a blood test to confirm the sex of the baby I Wldnt be in this limbo state if mind.. I generally grieve for both a boy & girl .. I also feel detached from my baby as I don't feel like I bonded well.. Did I bond with baby boy.. John ?? It baby girl .. No name.. Or just bonded with my baby .. Who do I cry for John... A nameless girl ?? Or just a baby ?? I have trouble connecting .. If that makes any sense ??? Or shld put my anger towards my obs for making the wrong decision ?????
    But what are my choices ???
    I don't mind who you refer to my baby as .. So if I refer to " my baby " a lot that's why .. I'm confused :/
    I never thought I'd ever get a tattoo ...but now ??? and I no idea on where to even have it.. Hmmm I guess it's something I don't need to rush into.. I'm a fidgety person .. So they'd have to be pretty patient with me !!
    Munch I think that lighting the candle is sooo sweet & giving her a kiss... Must be very special & heartwarming to have that closeness & bond ..
    Munch how's your Facebook support group .. Hope they have been supporting you as well..
    Hooray ... I've managed to reply post in the same day ..
    Kirst hope your busy packing for your time away ..or are u already away.. Sorry cant remember :/ Hope you can get some pampering whilst your away with hubby ..

  8. #88
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    Hi Girls

    Munch: did you go to this website for the TLC Bear Drive? To me it just looks like you just have to start up a profile and then give your friends and family the link and they donate however many bears for you as they can. Here's the link I found, is it the same that you did?

    http://tlcbeardrive.gofundraise.com.au/cms/beardrive

    From being on the Facebook page that Munch recommended and on here talking to you, Grace, I'm really starting to think that the experience of loosing a baby in Queensland is much different than in Melbourne. Much longer waits for results and poor attitudes from hospital. I assume with the results it has more to do with that we have two main research hospitals that handle post-mortems so probably just a lot more pathologists to handle things. Not really sure why the hospital care is different. As a doula and the births I have attended I do know that your midwives pretty much "make" your birth and if you have a "bad" one on shift while you're there then your experience usually sucks. So that is really just luck whether you go private or public because the midwife is whom you deal the most with.

    I am pretty confused with your doctor though. I have not been told otherwise by anyone we have dealt with, doctor or hospital in regards to gestation of baby and miscarriage or stillbirth. Technically we have had a late miscarriage but the hospital does understand that although that is the legal term, that to us and others in our situation it is a stillbirth. They explained the legal circumstances but understand how people in our situation feel. I would have thought your doctor should be on the same page as the hospital with these "terms" and see this confusion as both their faults and not just the hospital. I also do not understand why your doctor said you had a boy when there was no way to physically tell. A baby doesn't physically show their sex until 18-20 weeks. The midwife told us with Clem that they could not tell and that we would have to wait for tests. A week later the pathologist handling Clem called us and told us she had ovaries and was a girl. I understand you're guilt of thinking of your baby as a boy. I felt inside that our baby was a girl when we held her and kept talking to her in my head as Clementine and I was so worried they would call and say she was a boy and I wouldn't know what to name him and feel bad that I had been "talking" to a girl the whole time. Maybe you could just call her Bobby (for Robert) or Johnna? That works for a girl. Maybe if you did name her you would feel a little better and less guilty? The confusion of the sex and your original name is in NO WAY your fault so don't feel guilty about what you did with the information you were given at the time. I am just really confused as to why your doctor did not just tell you that you should wait for confirmation from the testing about whether it was a baby boy or girl, even if he was under the impression from a past scan that you were having a boy he really would not have been able to properly tell until your 20 week scan and even then they can be wrong. Anyways, I guess my feelings are that both your doctor and hospital have handled this poorly and added to your confusion which then adds to your grief. I may be out of line, and you need to do what you need to do to help you cope, but maybe if you start trying to come to terms with that she was a girl you would start to feel less guilty and detached. It does not matter that you thought she was a boy at first and named her, either way you held your baby and you love your baby and that is all that matters.

    With what to do burial wise with Clem we were given a few options. One was the funeral home the hospital always deals with would pick her up and take her to Monash for her autopsy and then pick her up when that was finished and then bury her for free in the "baby garden" of the local cemetery. Two, the same place would pick her up to and from Monash again and we could have her cremated for a fee and a service for another fee. Or three, we could arrange our own funeral home. We chose option two but did not do a separate service and before she was cremated they put her in a quiet room in her coffin and let us go in and say goodbye to her for however long we needed. They then put everything we "gave" her into her coffin and sent her to be cremated. This was $505 for the coffin, transport services and cremation. If we had had a service I think it would have been a lot more but we just wanted us and the priest that we brought. I was happy with how it was all handled.

    I went for a walk the other day with our friend who lost her twins in August, her due date was Christmas so we were talking about how she is dealing with it and how she's felt. She has found the month leading up to her date really hard. She was doing "ok" for a little bit and then noticed in November that it was almost like she had a "phantom" pregnancy and she just desperately wanted to hold a baby. It will definitely be a hard time for us all. I am not due until mid/end of April so still have a while I guess. I really like the idea of the hot air balloon and have also thought of doing the bear drive (the link I provided above) and then also think I may want to do some sort of fun-run and set up an "Everyday Hero" donation page for SANDS for people to sponsor me. I have a lot of ideas!

    We leave for Port Douglas on the 10th, fingers crossed I handle it all ok! Hadn't thought about pampering myself, but maybe one day when my husband dives I'll go to a spa! We have our appointment for our results on the 7th. They have rushed them for us (4 1/2 weeks compared to the 6 they originally told us) because of our trip but there is a slight chance Monash may not have been able to get them finished in time and we may not have them before we leave. This is because our original appointment to find out was while we were in Port Douglas and I didn't want to cancel the appointment to find out potential answers just because we were going away. The midwives that cared for me felt very strongly that we go on our trip and have advocated for us with Monash to try and get our results before we go and the pathologist at Monash handling Clem's results has been pretty nice about it all and said he would really try for the 7th, he said it is more about prioritizing his cases rather than how long it actually takes him to finish the report and that he would try his best for us.

    Munch, I agree with Grace on therapy. Have you gone by yourself yet? As much as you love your husband, we do tend to hold something back when they're around and therapy is a chance to talk about every thought in your head whether appropriate or inappropriate so one on one can tend to be easier. If you truly don't like who you're seeing then try somebody else. I really love mine and can recommend her but not sure if you'd want to make the trek to Caulfield. She specializes in ante-natal and post-natal depression and also pregnancy loss so she is really good for this sort of thing.

    Tattoos. I have three, all done from 17-19 years old. I am over two of them and sometimes consider having them removed. They are all someplace I can easily hide with clothes though which has always been my "requirement." I thought about getting "Clem" in really tiny letters on the side of my wrist, the side right where my wrist meets my arm, just above me thumb. I don't know though as I'm not sure how I feel about tattoos anymore. A personal choice, each to their own! Where would you gets your's if you got it? I really like the top of the foot, you can always see it, it's small and looks quite cute with sandals. We have a friend with a small butterfly on the top of her foot and I really love it. It will hurt there though, with all the bone.

    I should go! Sorry if I missed anything I was meant to respond to. Take care of yourselves ladies. xo

  9. #89
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    Hey there,
    Well it’s the last sleep before going back to work – I’m still quite indifferent about the whole situation...wish I could just fast forward a couple of weeks so I can be back into it already and be ok with going to work! Hurry up!
    Counselling, next session I think will be by myself...I don’t know if I’m holding back with DH there...I think we are pretty open and honest with each other but you guys might be right...we’ll soon find out. I just think that when I’m there I don’t really talk....so who knows... And thanks for the offer Kirst, but you’re right, Caulfield is not ideal location for us...if I get desperate it might be an option....but thank you regardless.
    Autopsy results – it’s crazy that they can take so so long! Kirst, your appointment is tomorrow, if I remember correctly...let us know how you go if you get the results back for Clementine...fingers crossed so you can go away knowing something...anything...Grace, we have also been told that there’s a chance that the results will come back with nothing...the thought of that is a bit daunting...
    Grace, due date approaching...I don’t think I’m fully thinking that far ahead...I think because I have work to think about, and then getting the results hopefully before Skye’s EDD that her EDD is the last thing on my mind right now. I completely expect to be the same as you though....feeling emotional as the date gets closer and closer...
    And Grace, with the baby bonus forms, are you able to drop the completed forms in to a centrelink officer? That way they can’t get lost in the mail...
    The FB group that we are in are a great support...they are all women that have lost a baby, whether it be before or after birth, early or late into the pregnancy.... If you have FB and would like to be added please let me know. I must warn you though, some of the ladies are currently pregnant, and others post pictures of their sleeping babies...some might find that confronting... If you don’t want anything to do with it, there’s absolutely no pressure...just leaving the option open for you.
    Kirst – I found this website - http://www.teddyloveclub.org.au/index02.php?id=288 and emailed from there... It says on that page that they can send you out flyers and posters etc...
    Kirst, what exactly is a doula and what do you do? Sorry for the ignorance...This is all new to me...
    Anyways, that’s all from me tonight – super short post compared to normal...wish me luck for tomorrow!
    x

  10. #90
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    Hi munch .. I feel your anxiety starting back at work tomorrow ... although mines a little different..Hope you sleep well tonight.. Maybe is you chose your outfit.. Get make up organised, shoes out.. Your morning maybe a little less stressful if some if these things are done. Maybe go for a walk or make yourself yummy breakfast hopefully clear the mind ... But remember you can change your mind... work is only for a few hours... You have a lot if work colleagues supporting you for each step you take to get to your desk.. Maybe listen to music with ear plugs whilst your on ur way to work to block out other people's voices.. Sunglasses a must !!! Will be thinking of you...
    Geez I'm good at giving advice .. Just not my own !!! Have been feeling a little down .. Had a few more tears .. and the conversations & thoughts... my thinking ... in my head has turned up a notch !!! Feel like taking valium to shut the voices off and just feel numb.. be spacey & not concentrate on anything.. But i havnt.
    Hearing that both your experience with hospital.. Staff etc in comparison to my horrendous experience, I realize again is just appalling !!! I want to write a letter to complain but I don't know how .. Where to start !!! Maybe my thoughts aren't clear yet that's why I can't write ..
    Back at work myself tomorrow ... I shld be fat & have hired a helper.. I shld be on the count down .. I shld be complaining about the bloody heat .. No more holidays till Christmas 2013 I do get the public holidays off though but the thought of official holidays is depressing.. I shld have given myself 3 wks!!! I don't know if I'm ready to handle another year of working on my own stresses,dealing with up to 7 kids, homework, getting kids to share/ take turns, kids yelling, yet still trying to grieve our baby .. But then I guess I did it last year.. Maybe being back at work will be the distraction I need.. Kirst I do family day care so I'm sure you can understand where I'm coming from. Munch a doula is a person who helps you one on one throughout your entire pregnancy & birth ( mentally, physically, emotionally) , a pregnancy & birthing partner ?? Can you do home birth as well or am I wrong on that part kirst. Please correct me if I'm wrong.. It's your area ..
    Kirst sounds like your hospital was awesome !!!! I hope your able to have your healthy baby in arms at that same hospital .. Your experience & choice made to you for your different needs !!!! I'm very envious .. I agree with both you ladies .. Obs shld never have given determined the sex of our baby !!!! He's the professional one !!! I put my trust in him soooo many times.. And he fails me immensely !!! Both him & the hospital are to blame.. also like you say kirst .. it comes down to the midwife !!!
    Munch thank you yes I'm going to psychically hand of baby bonus papers !!! If they don't arrive tomorrow ill give them another call.. Munch I don't really do the face book thing.. Shut down my page years ago, not sure if its a simple re activate button.. Will keep you posted on how I go..
    Kirst .. Geez I'm holding my breath for you !! I hope that your able to walk out of your appoint with some clarity, hope & peace of mind ... Will keep you in my thoughts .. Then you can go home & starting packing for relaxing Port Douglas ...
    Oh crap.. Sorry ladies better go, just realised I haven't finished setting up for tomorrow ..
    Again thinking of both of you tomorrow .. Sending you both hugs & kisses
    xxxx


 

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