Oh kirst, I wish I could hug you. And throw your phone at the wall for you.
Then buy you a new one.
I'm so, so sorry that someone out there didn't know, or wasn't thinking.....
Sent from my HTC Incredible S using BubHub
Oh kirst, I wish I could hug you. And throw your phone at the wall for you.
Then buy you a new one.
I'm so, so sorry that someone out there didn't know, or wasn't thinking.....
Sent from my HTC Incredible S using BubHub
Oh wow! That's harsh!! Do they know what you've been through with Clem (hope you don't mind me calling her that, if you do, please tell me so I don't upset you again/ more in future!)???
I'm so sorry ladies for your losses..... Xxxxxxx
They know!! They wouldn't have known that we cremated her yesterday but they know that we lost her. I know they would have had to tell us eventually and that they have every right to be excited. But 11.30 at night, two weeks after she's died? I'm much better equipped to deal with that news during the day. But night time I have my little routine that is working to get me as relaxed as possible before I wake up at 3 to go to the bathroom and remember my baby has died. My husband is the one who got the text, I don't know what he was thinking in telling me right then. Maybe it upset him and he needed to talk about it. I'm trying not to be angry at him for telling me, he feels so bad. But I just have a lot of anger in general right now and it's hard not to direct it at him. But why would they not think 'hey, maybe I shouldn't include them in my group text, maybe I should let them hear slowly thru a mutual friend, or during the day, surely almost midnight is not an appropriate time to tell a couple that has just lost their baby because they probably have trouble sleeping!' I'm so friggin' mad right now! I was doing ok, but now I feel panicky again. It's like a punch in the face making me fully realize that my baby is dead and never going to be born healthy and screaming.
Munchkin, I don't mind you calling her Clem, that is what we would have fondly called her.
Last edited by Kirst33; 22-12-2012 at 06:29.
Kirst I'm so sorry ;( one thing I've learnt about all this is that people don't think, they're wrapped up in there own lives n as much as they're sorry for what's happened to u they'll never have any clue what it's like to be you. I found communicating with my friends n family as to how things can be hurtful helped. I'm so so sorry, it's the worse thing anyone could ever go through. Hang in there and let the anger out! Big hugs xx
Kirst, How are you feeling this morning? Were you able to get much sleep? I still can’t get over that couple texting that late at night. I can only imagine they just weren’t thinking when they hit the send button. And I think SJG said, others just don’t think at times like these...they are not thinking that we will always be thinking and always be in pain in some way or another...
I have a feeling this is going to be a super long post to catch up on everything, it seems that all of our posts are super long these days...whatever it takes to help us get through this time though, I feel, is no problem at all. If it helps, I say do it.
I’m currently taking Tamazepam or something like that, but that’s the only mediaction at this point...
I read the letter Mia Freedman wrote, it was beautiful. I have started writing in this notebook, I bought it with the idea of just keeping some record and being able to write down my thoughts. I’ve found that it’s kind of been directed to Skye, and I realise how much I hate my handwriting...it’s so messy! J
That’s a nice thing to do as well, passing on the middle name to your next little girl when the time comes...we didn’t give Skye a middle name, I don’t really know why, just decided not to...As for the name Skye, we hadn’t actually picked a name before all of this happened...we had a couple of ideas, well more than a couple. I had a list for me, a list of DH’s fave’s and a list of names that we both liked (all picked form books and online etc). Lucky for us I had them saved on a USB that I always had with me as I had a spreadsheet with all pregnancy and baby info that I was always adding to at work and home...so in the hospital we asked if it was possible to print out the list and we chose from there.
And yes I got to hold Skye. When I had her, they whisked her away to clean her up and dress her, and this might be TMI and I’m sorry if this upsets any of you lovely ladies, but we were warned that she was extremely fragile. The only way I can explain our little baby was like she only had one layer of skin....she was dark, not normal skin coloured (and we are both...white)...I think the best way to explain is that we could see through her skin, and that she’d been passed inside me for a couple of days to weeks and had started to...move on...sorry if that doesn’t make complete sense, but I didn’t want to be too blunt as I didn’t want to upset anyone too much...And I don’t know if this was the same as anyone else because we were only at the 20-26 week stage...?
It’s great that you had such a great support from the midwives, I too, had a great experience for such a bad outcome. The only reason we really went private was because my mum works for a PHI company so got us on a policy with all the perks, but at the time I didn’t really have any idea what the difference between private and public would have been. Now though, looking back, I wouldn’t have wanted it any different! And I’ll definitely be sticking with private for future too...
Speaking of the future...we had our appointment yesterday to find out the results for me millions of blood tests. I think there was about 15 pages of results there were that many done. A lot of them were to do with blood clotting but they all showed up nothing at all. The only slight abnormality was to do with antinuclear antibodies, but there was only 120 units or whatever they are measured in, and apparently that is quite low. So he wasn’t convinced that that was the reason for Skye’s death... He called the RWH to see if he could get any post mortem results or any results on the placenta testing but they said that they couldn’t give him any results as yet as it wasn’t back with them or something. I don’t know how it works! But he tried for us. So I have to call back in a month, find out if the results are in, and if they are book another appointment to chat with him again.
Sorry I should have gone into a little more detail about what antinuclear antibodies do...they fight off foreign bacteria and what not in your body to protect it...so in essence, my body might have felt that Skye was a foreign body and it had to fight her off. DH says that I shouldn’t be thinking like that as it wasn’t high enough to be the only contributing factor, but it’s in the back of my mind obviously.
Future pregnancies, based on just this information, I’ll have to take aspirin, to thin the blood, because if the antinuclear antibodies attack the placenta, it can cause the blood to clot in the placenta which could result in baby not getting the nutrients/blood they need. So now we just wait and wait until the rest of the results come in.
Kirst – you will never be alone, I’m on BH constantly, as are a lot of others, so if you ever need to vent or anything, I’ll be here to listen... J I know it might not be the same but here if you need!
It’s good that your husband is thinking of you over Christmas – they are here to protect us and they are doing amazingly! This has really brought us closer that we were before, and I didn’t think it could be possible! I always knew he was my soul mate, but seriously, now, I couldn’t imagine life without him! Soul mate, best friend, husband. Just amazing!
We had the first of our Christmas gathering’s last night. My grandparents are going to visit my uncle who lives in Singapore for Christmas so we had a family dinner with them last night. It was them, us, mum, dad, my brother and my sister, so all people I feel comfortable with and I must say I think it went well. It’s gave me some confidence that as hard as Christmas might be this year, I think I’ll get through it. Even last night and today, I’m feeling strangely ok, must be having a couple of good days...I mean I’m still thinking about Skye constantly, but the tears are limited... L The most annoying thing is the feelings of guilt for not being upset all day, which has been mentioned already...But I’m trying not to let that get too me too much!
Are you ladies doing anything special for your angel babies on Christmas or NYE? I have bought some balloons to release on the special days...
With regards to SANDS and meetings around the state, I would assume there would be different ones for different areas. I know that there’s one in Airport West as that the closest to me that my mum found out....
Grace, good on you for going to the group session, it couldn’t have been easy. I think you’re the same as me, one session, wasn’t beneficial, and it might be worth attending a couple more (if you’re comfortable) to get settled and then you might see some benefits.
And also Grace, don’t be so hard on yourself...your feelings probably have been snowballing through all of the heartache that you have been through over the last 7 years...it couldn’t be easy to go through what you mention you have. You have two beautiful children though, try to be strong for them. How old are they? How are they coping with the loss?
I am seeing the same counsellor that the hospital recommended. I will see her some more, like you said, will attend some more sessions then assess how I feel and if I’m getting anything out of them then.
I also had a meeting with my work on Tgursday too. To put together a return to work plan. I was soooo stressed out before it, in fact I think that was the last time I posted, apart from the quick post last night...the post were I had a horrible night...I think part of it was the anxiety of having to face my boss etc. It went better than I expected...I always knew they were caring, but didn’t realise to what extent. My boss was great. Our HR partner, also great. The other two in my immediate team, awesome too. They are all so protective of me and I’m so greatful for that.. We’re going to swap me and my teammates desks as I’m right along a walkway and always have people stopping to chat. So at least this way I’ll have my back to the walkway and if anyone wants to talk to me they have to actually come into our pod. I’ll also be starting back part time, 3 days a week, and only working from 10 until 3.30 so I avoid peak hour on the trains...so yeah, I’ll work my way up from that...preferably quickly so I can get back into the swing of things but yeah only time will tell. My boss said that I’m to call her on that first day back before I leave home to check to make sure I’m ok, and when I arrive, my team will meet for a coffee with me before we all head up as a team so I don’t have to walk in alone. And I requested that an email be sent to those that knew I was pregnant, to explain what happened, and that I would just like them to talk to me about normal things, not to ‘pity me’ or anything like that, It’s a massive organisation and I’ve only been there a year or two so only really the people on the two floors that we have resided on knew I was pregnant anyways!
Kirst, it’s lovely that you had a little ceremony for Clem, a way to say goodbye. And great that the priest was so accommodating for the service. And it’s so lovely that you got to hold two baby wombats too. Makes me smile just thinking about it so I’m glad you were able to smile doing it too!
We got a TLC Bag and teddy too. I hug that teddy morning and night, and every time in between than I need. She sits at the head of our bed along with a frog teddy that DH bought for me when we first started going out. The frog actually sings our wedding song. So two special teddies watch over us at night. As for the TLC bag, I’ve read all the brochures, currently in the middle of the Bonne Babes booklet, then there’s the book and the folder type book that I’ve only very briefly looked at...I might try to ready some more in the sun over this weekend. I’m guessing those two books are the ones you are referring to as having reference to the time in hospital so I might be a bit late with those – whoops! And I agree about having the photography session known about beforehand...
Grace, I’m still yet to have a good look at that cord website you mentioned – I opened up the page, say how much writing was there, and thought to my self that’s too much to concentrate on right now! I was thinking of sitting down in a quiet room and taking a look this weekend..
I type these replies up in word so I know that I can go back and forth and make sure I answer all questions etc, and today, we’ve reached the bottom of page number 3 – so sorry for making this so so long!
After I post this I have a couple of pictures that I’d like to show you, of our little area for Skye in our room and rings and some bits and pieces.
Hope you lovely ladies have a nice weekend, as nice as can be expected anyways!
I'm hoping these work. We have the area on top of our chest of drawers with Skye's urn, a candle we light each night before bed, her blanket, scan pictures and plaque.
Then there's our rings we brought and had engraved.
And our nursery wall. We had a wall sticker made up..
Hi Munchkin (and everyone who sent love while I freaked out last night and this morning)-
I am better now but had quite a big freak out this morning. I think I got upset about a few things. One: that a baby was born the day we cremated Clementine, I'll probably get upset every time (we have like 10 more friends due!) but that was a particularly sensitive day. Two: the insensitivity of the friend. And three: that although yesterday was hard we had felt that we had said goodbye to Clem in a positive and special way and were feeling a little peaceful and then the reality of a baby being born that will never be her was like a punch in the stomach and I was desperate to get that peaceful feeling back. We went to the Swedish Church today (where the priest was from) and lit a candle for her to try and get that feeling back. It worked a little. But my husband is really good about getting me out for a long walk which helps a lot. So I'm a bit better after we did that. He also let me hit him with a pillow a few times, that definitely helped .
Do you get scared to say that you are ok, because you're scared that people will think that means that you are fine and they'll forget about everything? I do. I still want people to know how much I am hurting so get scared to tell them when I am doing ok, like they'll think I'm already over it. I am a bit like you, I feel guilty about the ok times, like that means I am forgetting her and I am petrified of forgetting her.
Clem looked the same as Skye. Very red, like her skin was see through. Because she had been dead for a week or so she had deteriorated a bit, which is what I think you were trying to describe. She even changed between the first time I held her and the second, because her skin was so fragile to the air outside. The midwife did the same for me. She took her away and cleaned her up and wrapped her for us and then came in and described what she looked like first to prepare us. I have the blankets she was wrapped in and have been sleeping with them every night. I have bought frames and made copies of her hand and footprints for the grandparents and us. I decided to keep the original prints kept away because I don't want them to fade from sun, elements etc. Have you made copies of your scans or have them on a disc? The paper they are printed on fades over time so make sure you make copies. That was a tip I got while I was pregnant and now I treasure it because those are now our only pictures and it would break my heart if they faded over time too much and we lost those images of her. I am going to call the place that did my scans and ask them for all of her images on a disc. I feel like I just need everything. I will frame a copy of her 12 week scan as well, but we don't have any 20 week pictures since I delivered at 19 1/2 weeks. We were due to have our 20 week scan a few days later.
I don't think you're anti-bodies attacked her and caused this. I thought when that happened it happened earlier in the pregnancy???? Hopefully her post-mortem and tests on your placenta give you more results. The chances are though that this was a one-off tragedy and both of us will go on to have healthy babies. I just really wish Clem had that chance.
Great that your work is being so understanding. That will be a huge help in getting you back into a normal routine and learning how to cope. But remember, like my GP told me, just because you learn how to cope and carry on with day to day life and laugh, does not mean that you loved your baby any less.
Like your's my husband has been amazing. We have been together almost 10 years now so he already was my best friend and an amazing partner but now he is definitely my rock. I read the letter he wrote to put in Clementine's coffin and it made me love him more. He imagined she would be just like me (and was looking forward to it) and I hadn't known that. He loved her a lot.
I'm not really worried about Christmas as the actual holiday, it's mostly just the random family members I'll have to spend time with. Like the aunt and uncle that offend on a normal occasion, what will I have to deal with them saying to me? I have a Christmas ornament that has been engraved with her name and birthdate to commemorate her this Christmas and I am sure we will say something around the table for her.
My bag doesn't have the Bonnie Babes pamphlet, is it worth a read? I bought this book earlier this week:
Which will hopefully be a good read. I read a lot anyways and am I bit obsessed with reading stories from people who have been in a similar situation. That's why these long posts are good. We are all getting everything off our chests but they will also help somebody else who is searching to read about similar situations to their own. I'll warn you about the "You are not Alone" book though, some stories include pictures which can be a bit upsetting although I now seem used them. I also find some stories upsetting. Maybe because we don't know what happened to Clem yet so reading some of the stories and what went wrong really scares me and ties in with my fear of this happening again.
I love you're wall sticker, that is a very sweet idea. Were you drawn to the name Skye because you feel she will always be watching over you?
We actually just went to the jeweler this afternoon to get my husband's wedding ring engraved and to work out having a necklace made for me with her name and date engraved on it. Something delicate and simple that I can wear every day. But I think I want to engrave my wedding ring as well since that is something I definitely wear every day without fail.
I should go. xo
I love that you can see Skye's features well in you bottom scan picture. Very special.
OMG ladies ... I've just caught up with ur posts ...hope I answer everything correctly.. Kirst .. Big hugs... For your late night rude awaking .., really don't think she was thinking.. Like the other ladies say.. People get caught up in their own world they forget that other people grieving . I know I will always grieve unable to fulfill my dream.. But I'm sure friend and family will forget my loss.. Forget when their having their babies in feb/ march that I too should be having a baby .. and their baby's birthdates will always be my constant reminder.. As time goes on I have my good days & bad days. Sometimes I give me girls extra kisses & cuddles .. Some days I'm find it hard to eveb smile at them.. My oldest is nearly 7 & like me she has her good & bad days.. She cries when she misses our baby .. She writes letters to god( no not really religious, although she goes to a Catholic school) and draws family pictures of us 5..I can't help but feel guilty ..I always wonder if she blames me for the baby dieing.. My 2 1/2 yo doesnt really understand ..I also feel guilty for crying over my lost baby when I have 2 children in my arms.. You ladies are yet to have a family .. and with the extra emotional stress & uncertainty of what the future holds.. What you ladies got given bags of info .. Pamphlets ?? and a teddy bear???Faaaaarrrrrk All I got was the sands booklet !!! We also got to take home the small cane basket that our baby was put in, the tiny blanket & beany.. Munch I Love your shrine of Skye... It's sooo beautiful, memerable & calming .. I can't bear to look at any scan photos .. We don't have any 20wk scab pics as we were due to have that scan on Friday, & by chance I had midwife appoint on the Tuesday before.. We got given my 12wk scan pics on a disc.. Hubby also has a few videos he took on his phone .. We also have a scan pic from 7, 8& 10wks & some more short videos from those early obs appointments .. I think if I looked at those photos I wld feel heartbroken & confused as all those early scans looked sooooo perfect ... Nor can I look at the photos of our baby.. They are all still on my phone & I've Accidently scrolled too far back & seen them & its made my stomach turn .. All the emotions of that day .. I did hold my baby, I don't remember kissing.. I was lucky to keep my bang overnight... Saying goodbye the next day was bloody terriable ... I got a heap if bloods taken also.. Havnt heard anything from my obs so can only assume that nothing was found.. Yes it was a rude shock to receive the death cert with cause of death, just in the mail.. I could go & see my obs.. But walking back in there... It wld be very emotional & what wld he say?? Part of me doesn't want to know anymore.. No more searching for answers.. People keep telling me that they will most likely find nothing..(chromosome testing & whatever else they test for ) but then it Doesn't matter anyways .. Can't have anymore .. It just allllll makes me Extreamly sad & somehow unsure if I've fulfilled my part in our family . O still think i failed to provide for my family.. Kirst .. Wow to cuddle some baby wombats ... Very memorable .. That's a nice idea, to light a candle. We had a very small & simple service at a chaple.. We played some beautiful songs.. They are just soo sweet and perfect for how we feel.. If your interested they are The last dance -Garth brooks
Gone too soone-Michael Jackson
There you'll be -Faith Hill
In the arms of the angels - Sarah McLaughlin
Munch... Wow your bosses sound like they really love & care for you an a very important staff member.. I'm sure that them on your side & helping you resettle into work will help ease the pain..
We are doing Christmas solo this year.. Avoiding the family ... Especially my 2 cousins who are due in feb. & march. !!!
SJG I hope your doing ok as can be in the lead up to Christmas ..
Thinking of allll you ladies & sending you warm hugs & kisses..
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