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  1. #41
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    Default Wish it was a dream...

    Sleeping isn't too much of a problem. Because we've been watching the Big Bang theory box set we have been having late nights though. Because we both don't have to be up for anything in particular in the morning we tend to stay up until we're exhausted then die in bed. Only problem is DH wakes up earlier than I'd hope for so bam, I'm awake.

    I did get some sleeping tablets. I wanted to have them there for the just in case. I didn't want to have problems sleeping in the coming weeks only to have to then go to a GP and have to explain everything all over again.

    So yeah we have them if needs be. Haven't touched them yet though so good girl me!

    As for counseling I spoke to DH about that yesterday or the day before. He said he'd definitely want to seek counseling and thought it would be beneficial for me too but his comment was maybe not this week. I know how that might sound but I think he's thinking its still early and to try to grieve as much as we need to naturally...??

    So I think we'll sort that out on Monday. Coz by that stage we'll have Skye's ashes back so that's when we can 'complete the puzzle' if you know what I mean.

    Had my best friend come over last night. First time I've seen here since everything happened. She's been hanging to come over since she found out. Just wants to do her job and be there for me. Many times over the weekend I was messaging her saying yep I'm ready and then seconds later messaging her again to say I'm sorry. I thought I was... But I'm not... Same thing happened yesterday then I decided that I'm never going to be ready, just need to make the stand and be strong so allowed her to come over.

    She's the only person/family I've allowed in besides my mum, dad, brother and sister... It was hard but I find myself putting on a strong face when people are around, the second the door closes behind them when they leave, I'm a complete mess....

    Anyways, thanks for listening. X

  2. #42
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    Hi Munch..
    just found your thread ... You sound how I feel ... Except I've been working since I came home from hospital .. I work for myself & have HAD to continue working ... All my customer are aware of my situation and have been supportive & caring.. I'm on antidepressants which I think has REALLY helped me function .. I also have valium.. just low dose 2mg, for when i get really anxious and my head just doesn't stop talking.... Like you ... I have no interest in food .. I feel like I don't need to eat cause I'm not pregnant .. Although I make myself eat 1 meal a day.. Did u look into counseling ?? I'm seeing a psychologist .. On a mental health plan from the gp so its a lot cheaper only $35 for an hour.. Think I get 12 sessions then get reassessed .. Very lucky you & hubby have been able to spend quality time together & that being your superman ... I'm still mentally going through the self blame cycle ... But my psych is trying to get me to see it as nature !!! Hmmm still doesn't sit right with me.. It seems like every where I turn there's a pregnant women ... It's depressing coming into Xmas .. We 'll just be spending it alone .. No doubt ill be crying again this xmas & new year !!!!!!I certainly don't feel cheery it's almost makes me cranky hearing/ seeing Xmas stuff!!!! It's already been 4wks since I have birth .. My head is fuzzy with plans that we were expecting another baby in the new year .. But then I look at my body & there's nothing there !!!! I shld.. We both shld have lovely bumps ... But nothing ... Except hazy memories and hazy dreams I thought I had in 2013... Very sorry I didn't want this reply to be about me.. But just wanted to let you know that I'm hear to chat .. Hear to listen ... I understand .. xxxxx

  3. #43
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    Grace, has working put your mind on other things or do you feel that it's making you feel worse?? I guess it's good that your customers are being somewhat supportive....

    I spoke to our midwife this morning - they've referred us to a counsellor. From the sounds of things they have a counsellor that must work for them in these situations - as the midwife said to me that if we are comfortable with this woman that it might be good as she can be a support person if we fall pregnant again (as we said that we would def go back to the same hospital)...I want to get this sorted ASAP, will try anything if it means I feel a bit better, but I just don't have the guts right now... I guess because I don't know what to expect....Will do it tomorrow, or get DH to give her a call...

    Everyone is trying to get me out of the house a bit though - I'd be more than happy to just be a hermit. It's such a horrible time for this all to be happening...if it was anytime between January and October, I know it still would massively suck, but at least we wouldn't have to deal with Christmas in this state! Anyways yesterday my mum and sister made me to shopping, I guess they didn't make me, but yeah... And today DH had a day off work and we went to finish our Xmas shopping - not really in the mood but it needs to be done. I think that's what makes me feel a whole lot worse, it's like life is still going on around me, why is no one else grieving....

    Anyways I could go on and on for days....had a bad day today, just thinking this is just getting worse, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and constantly wondering why? Why on earth this has happened? Everything was going so well for us, we were having an amazing 12 months, we moved into our dream house, we got married, fabulous honeymoon and then we were having a baby, all of this in literally 12 months....it was awesome....but like I say, right now, can't work out what went wrong!

    I've done what you did, didn't want this post to go on and on about me and being so sad...

    Have a wedding on the weekend, will see how that goes, I probably would have changed our RSVP but we've paid $300 for accomodation and got all the presents....I kind of think it might be nice to get away....but then today I thought about the reasons I booked it, thought being 7 months pregnant I'd enjoy the time away to kind of relax....boo to that!

    Hope you're doing as well as can be expected.

    Do you have some family support around you???

    x

  4. #44
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    Hi sorry its been a while.. I've been busy with work & cleaning up work before I start holidays on 21st for 2 weeks.. Kinda wish I had 3 though.. Was thinking I'd have a baby in march & wld somehow take some more time off.. Work has had it's ups up... And DOWNS... I do family day care, so it's been hard.. But at least I can . stare into space ... Or zone out ... I can have a cry if I need it.. In the early days I wld have a sleep when they did.. Work has forced me to continue on with life.. Like we say our hearts have been broken our future hopes and dreams shattered .. But the world is still turning .. Why hasn't it stopped ... & given us time to go back... Why do people carry on & say stupid things to us .. Why do we have constant reminders if what we once had.. and urn sooo desperately to get back ..
    If I had a job to go to I wld have taken some time off ... Weeks .. Months ... But if I don't work .. I don't get paid.. I don't have anyone else to do my job.. But then on the other hand, I feel that I havnt really been able to grieve & sort things out in my head. . I rarely get time to myself.. Not even a walk.. So I snap at my girls .. After my mc, i give myself a week to heal emotionally & mentally.. Maybe that's why I havnt been able to be strong... After my work kids have left.. I need a quiet 5mins to myself to cry.. I want soo much to be pregnant ... Why did I get this far... Why does life have to be soooo cruel .... Why does my body not do as sooooo many others seeeem to do soooooo easily !!!!! Why can't we have sex. & get pregnant ..

    It's still very much a shock that my baby has died .. Like you I still feel pregnant, .... I go to put on my seatbelt & reach for my wool cover that u used around my belly to make it snug & not so tight... But then I see there's no big belly.. So I don't bother... I've had to head to the shops ....again I've been forced to put on a happy face in the line up to see Santa ... But I just stare into space.. Trying to avoid the bumps & bellies... But this will be my future...
    We are still in the process of burying our baby .. We had him cremated .. And holy **** is it expensive to bury someone's ashes .. $3500 to put our baby's ashes in a lawn crematorium.. We thought about keeping him at home with us but what if there was a fire???? Or it got knocked over ???
    I think it's great that you have family to support you.. I'm not close to my family .. So nooo real support ... But I'm thinking if going to a sands support group.. Maybe openly talking to other people who have been on the same situation may help.. I still can't eat properly.. It's all to do with the self blame.. Why bother eating when I don't need to feed my baby ... I'm the opposite to an emotional eater.... I went & saw a psychic ... Thoughts she may be able to enlighten me with my future ..... Hmmm wasn't able to pick up on anything major ... nothing about past mc or losing my last baby @20wks... she did astrology, read my palm. & tarot card reading. I saw her cause she was able to pick up a lot with. friend .. Sigh... Guess we are still all different ... Hubby has been a little better... Although I'm just not in the mood to argue either.. I just agree with whatever. I see my shrink on Friday ... Sooo looking forward to a good cry session
    Our baby's death cert arrived the other day.. Wld have preffered to have the birth cert 1st. !!!
    Another bloody wave of emotions !!! Cause of death.. Cord accident... Placenta accreta... I had a google about both of these....
    But then I was likd for why .. For what reason ... I can't change it for next time.. I have more regular monitoring .. There is no more !!!! With only 1tube that's scarred.. No hope .. If it hasn't happened naturally in 8 years ... I should .. Really should come to my senses ... But mentally its soooo hard ... I still want .. I still have a place in my heart for another baby .. I know I'll be stressed & frazzled at times .. But we get though all those phases & stages with a new baby .. I feel like my body is a used car.. Thrown out to be flattened.. I don't have any self confidence..
    Sooooo sorry for rambling ...
    Have you been seeing the counselor ?? Has it been helping ? Do u both go?? Or just you ??
    Hope the accommodation was nice... Did u have a few drinks ??, it's hard being happy for others when u feel soooo sad.... It must be been emotional as well as you shld have had a lovely bump to show off.. Sorry I'm rambling again.. Take carexxx

  5. #45
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    Default Wish it was a dream...

    Sending u big big big hugs. It's just awful, all I can say is there is light further along the way. I've done lots of counseling, my husband came to a few sessions but he didn't need it like I did. I've done group and one on one n have got a lot out of both.
    Give yourself more time, if u can take a few days off work here n there, do.
    We buried Lucy in our family plot n it cost around 4000. But I like to have somewhere to go, it's lovely and peaceful there. And horrible too...
    I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. Whereabouts do u live? I'm in Perth xx

  6. #46
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    Hi SJG..

    Thanks for giving me some hope that there is light at the end if the tunnel.. I just can't see it yet.. I'm in brisbane..
    I do have some good days.. But I really feel like I'm just very worn out emotionally & mentally ... Sooo hard to process my thoughts & feeling with Xmas here... Xmas just suxxxxxx!!!!!! I know I shld be happy for the family I have & I am.. It's just right now .... I have a hole in heart.. In my mind... In family... That I feel will always be there & linger ... I know there are people who are wanting what I have .. But I want what the next person has... Am I being greedy .. Selfish ..
    Lucy is such a lovely name & I'm extreamly sooooory for your loss.. You've had an extreamly extreamly heartwrenching start to a family.. Ivf has its own struggling & emotional & mental battles ... I wish you every bit of me that you get your dreams in 2013 with a healthy happy baby in your arms .. I saw that Lucy also had. cord accident ..my friend sent me this link about cord accidents. & recurrent miscarriages .. I didn't read much if it.. Just made me more upset as there's no point.. No next time.. It goes into talk about the cord more in details.. About placement etc.. Can forward it onto you if u wish..

    I always find that Xmas .... New Year.... Always brings with it a huge wave of emotions and thoughts of self assements of what have I achieved .. What are my hopes & dreams ... Where is my life leading .. Going... Now here I find myself ending & starting the year with guilt.. Unworthiness... Self blame.... Sadness... Why why why ....
    Are u still seeing a counselor ? Or see one when u do your fet??

    Thanks for listening xxx

  7. The Following User Says Thank You to 3Rreg For This Useful Post:

    SJG  (18-12-2012)

  8. #47
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    Hi there,
    It’s almost the 21st so hopefully you get some rest and relaxation time on your time off. It really sounds like you need it. (I don’t mean that in a horrible way either!)
    Family Day Care would be a tough job to do after what you’ve been through. I guess being in your own home, when the kids are playing or whatever, you can go and have a minute to yourself if you need. I’m a bit worried about how I’ll be going back to work. January 7th is D-Day. I have to go in on Thursday of this week to sort it all out...coz they have suggested I go back part time to start with, which is great, but will still be difficult...
    Of course you will still feel a lot of shock, it sounds like you haven’t had enough time to go through the grieving process...
    We had our first counselling session yesterday and I found it so so hard. She wasn’t pushy or anything, but I felt it so difficult to open up and cry to a complete stranger. I mean I did cry, don’t get me wrong, cried my eyes out, but it didn’t feel right. So that made me unsure whether or not to go back. My husband seems to think that it will change after a few sessions, that I’ll feel more comfortable and be able to open up a bit more, and I’m sure he’s right, but it’s the whole, this is proving that something is wrong...like with my sleeping tablets, I have trouble getting to sleep, but taking my sleeping tablets is admitting that something is wrong...and I would be allowed to take these tablets probably if I was still pregnant...that’s what I’ve found with alcohol, soft cheeses, etc...I couldn’t have it while I was pregnant so I don’t want to have it now as I don’t want to admit that things have changed...
    I’m also on the mental health plan thing like you mentioned. That was difficult, to be told by the GP that the diagnosis is depression and post traumatic stress....that sucked....but what’s done is done I guess.
    I also recently saw a psychic, in fact thinking about it I saw her when Skye would have been passed, but we didn’t know. She didn’t really pick up on anything negative....that’s annoying, especially as so many people said that she’s so accurate with them! As you say, everyone is different and these powers come through differently for each of us...
    The accommodation – I couldn’t do it...it was a 40 degree day in Melbourne and we have 2 dogs, I felt so bad leaving them for two nights, on top of everything else...I mean we had someone that would come over and feed them, but I was stressing so much about them not having water or something...So we just went to the wedding and cancelled the accommodation...The wedding in itself was difficult though, there was a lady that was probably due in January, and it seemed everywhere I turned, she was there! Oh well, done and dusted now!
    Can I ask for the link you have for the cord accidents? I have a feeling that that’s what’s going to come back when we get our autopsy results back...the cord did not look like it should...
    And can I ask what FET means? I’m oblivious to alot of this pregnancy stuff! Sorry!
    Are you seeing any family / friends for Christmas??

  9. #48
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    Hi Girls-

    I was just wondering how you guys are doing, but I guess since you've posted recently, I know that you're doing as crap as I am.

    My husband and I lost our baby girl on December 5th at 19 1/2 weeks. So two weeks today. I hate how quickly time has passed (I thought it would go slowly) because I hate that it has been two weeks since I've had my baby girl inside me and since I've held her.

    I was just attending a routine, scheduled doctor's appointment on Dec. 4th. I got all excited because when I walked in I saw she had a scan machine and I thought to myself "oooo I get an extra sneak peak!" (we were meant to have our 20 week scan last Thursday). The doctor said "lets have a quick look at your tummy" and then was really quiet for a while and I honestly didn't think anything of it. Then she said "there's something wrong" and even then my mind was saying "the baby's not dead, the baby's not dead." But then she said she couldn't find a heartbeat and our baby wasn't moving. That she'd died. My husband came from work and we had another scan to confirm she had died and then they admitted me to the hospital to be induced. I gave birth to her 24 hours after the first dose of the induction meds. She was so tiny and fragile and because she had died a week or two before she was too small to determine sex (the doctor performing her autopsy has since called to tell us we had a baby girl, she had little ovaries). We held her for a while and kissed her and said goodbye. She looked like her dad. We named her Clementine. I was so relieved when the doctor finally called to tell us she was a girl, because we could name her and finally knew who she was, I even had a couple days where I did ok because of this. But now it is like I know who I am missing, and I know all the memories I'll never have. I know that I am missing out on this beautiful, awesome, hilarious little girl that I never even really got to know.

    I am desperate for the autopsy results to come back, to finally know what happened and why she had to die. But the doctor and midwives have told us to be prepared that we may never know, that they often can't find out a "why." Her cord was wrapped tightly around her neck though. I desperately need to know if it was my fault that she died.

    Like Munchkin, my husband and I have had an amazing year. We got married in San Francisco in April and had a fab honeymoon. We got pregnant easily and have just been so happy this year and now it feels like our world has ended.

    My work is fine with everything. I am a nanny and very close to both families I work for so they have been really supportive. Also, because it's almost Christmas, they often have a lot of time off from Christmas to some time in Jan so this isn't really messing up their schedules that much. One mom is on maternity leave until Jan. 21st and has had 4 miscarriages so she's been really good to me, they both have. I am also a doula/birth attendant but don't think I'll be able to cope with any new clients for a long time.

    I hate that because I wasn't 20 weeks yet, just a few days off, I am referred to as having a late miscarriage. If I was a few days later it'd be a stillbirth. I was in labor and I gave birth to a baby. She was tiny but she was still a tiny, fully developed baby. She even had fingerprints.

    I have days where I do ok, I am distracted for a little bit and then it hits me and I feel empty and sad and scared and vulnerable.

    I have been seeing a therapist since a couple days after it happened, I already had one since I have had depression on and off for years and she has been a great help. But she is away this week... Our friends have been amazing but I am petrified to see a really close friend that is due in January. She really wants to be there for me but I'm really scared to see her belly. I find friends easier to talk to then our parents. They have come over to go for walks with me or to just watch tv quietly until my husband gets home from work. Our parents (especially mine) are grieving and I just can't cope with their grief as well as my own. I'm so scared of Christmas this year. It's meant to be with 20 of my husband's extended family and babies. I don't know how I'm going to get through it! My family is in the states.

    We have friends that lost their twins at 20 weeks back in August, she has been a really great help since she knows everything I am feeling but just that little further along in her grief that she can give me advice.

    How are you guys coping? Have you gotten answers as to why your babies passed?

    I sleep quite heavy for about 5-6 hours, but only because I am taking the sleeping pills the doctor gave me. Waking up is really hard, I have that moment where I am ok and then I remember that Clem is gone forever and it hurts so so much.

    I'm sorry this is long. I didn't intend it to be and then I just kept typing...

  10. #49
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    Hi kirst ...
    I'm Extreamly sorry that we have shared the same heart breaking experience ..where about do u live ?? I'f by chance that ur in Brisbane .. There's a sands support meeting on tonight that I'm going to try n be brave & go to. Can't chat much now but will come back & post again soon

  11. #50
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    Hi munchkin
    I'm in brisbane & there's a sands support meeting on tonight that I'm going to try n be brave & go to. Will let you know how it goes .. I know there's going to be stories harder.. Sader than mine .. But I'm hoping to find some comfort that all our future hopes & dreams were the same.. I'll post more later but here's the site that might help you.. It is an American site but the info may hold the key ....
    irenedw.squarespace.com/was-my-doctor .. Hope the link works .. Let me know if it doesn't ..


 

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