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  1. #111
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    Hi munch ..
    My week has pretty much been the same .. Up down and everything else all around !!!
    Very sorry to hear you've been having a bad .. Emotional week.. I have weeks.. Days.. Moments like that.. I think it totally normal to have Moments.. Days.. Weeks.. Like that during the 1st years ... Moreso in the lead up to our due dates..
    You saw the counsilor on your on ???? How did you go ??? Did you just speak ur mind although it may not have made any sense.. Or feel like you were repeating urself ?? If so ...that's good, cause that's how I am ..
    Has your boss still been supportive with you taking some more time off work ?? And other people in the office ?? Do they talk to you normally ??


    What detail do you need from me to join the Facebook group ??

    Naughty little puppies you have there !!! And that's the thanks you get for being nice when they could have been outside getting wet !!!

    When I'm sad & need a moment I listen to the songs we played during the cermony ..I love the songs!!! I find myself I entranced in the words & remembering my birth & the funnel.. Replaying everthing in my mind, I get teary but I dont mind, i want that closeness.. I'm starting to not want to forgot the memories.. I Dont want to forget anything but I cant bring myself to look at pictures..

    Still no news on the plaque .. So no burial yet elly was talking about the baby .. Asking if he wld have been a naughty boy, what would he look like? Would he be cheeky at school .. Strange how she comes out with these things sometimes.. Just out if the blue !!!

    With the ttc thing... I just don't know.. I've been told by a few psychics that I have 3 children.. Also a boy, currently I have 2 girls.. and you know my situation with my baby that I lost .. So that little glimmer if hope ... Maybe ... Just maybe ... I'll have another .. But that's where my mind.. Mental issues continue.. We conceived with ivf ,.. We aren't doing ivf again!!! Will we have a natural miracle baby ?? Geez I don't know.. How do I completely let go of not growing our family !!! Or do I need to change my thinking and Enjoy the family that I have !! Do I still need to be greedy and want another ??? But then I feel if I don't keep wanting ... contemplating .... another ... Did I really want .. Urn for my baby that I lost ???? Does that mean we/I was only destined 2 be a family of 4.. Will I forget how excited and happy I was to be pregnant ?? Sorry think I'm waffling on !!!

    Glad to hear that Obs already has a plan for you with ur next pregnancy!! So you already have reassurance there that's good, track ur cycle so you get a clearly picture of when you can actually test.. Not having any in the house also helps ..not sure how serious you wanted to get with ur tracking but there's some apps out there that can help keep every thing organised so you know where you are in ur cycle ..
    I'm sure it's daunting, stressful and upsetting that your having to go through this soooo soon after already being pregnant .. I'm sure ur head is playing mind games already !! Totally normal !!! But totally Sux !!!

    Kirst ... Hello again... Thinking of you ... Hope your getting some clear answers you need to move forward. & ttc again !!!!

  2. #112
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    Hi Girls--

    Sorry I've been MIA for so long. I've been pretty overwhelmed with everything but also I use the facebook group so much that I don't really have the energy to go over things again sometimes. So Grace--you should really just join the facebook group! There is always somebody available for reassurance or advice which is really great.

    Port Douglas was nice, it was nice to be away someplace beautiful and also just have DH with me 24/7 for 10 days. But I've had to start work since returning which has been hard. Thank goodness it is only for 3 days because knowing I only have to get through a couple days before a break is what keeps me going.

    We met with a geneticist last week. She didn't put much stock in some of the things that the autopsy had listed. She looked at a few pictures of Clem and said it's too hard to tell at that gestation that the minor abnormalities that were listed were indeed abnormalities. She did definitely have a cleft palate which can be a sign of a syndrome or it could have just happened on it's own and could have been fixed shortly after birth. She said obviously something was wrong because Clem died, but they just don't know what. Her chromosome testing all came up normal so there is no further testing they can do. If we assume she had a syndrome then there are two ways she could have got it. One: dominant-which means it's a one-off. A mutation in one of her genes happened completely at random and has nothing to do with DH or I. Two: recessive- which means she inherited an abnormality from DH and I (both parents have to be carriers for this to happen). If it was dominant our chances of it happening again are less than 1%. If it was recessive our chances are 25%. Because we don't know if it was dominant or recessive (if she did have a syndrome) the doctor put us at 10%. Which I suppose is the best answer we could have gotten.

    I kind of think there was nothing wrong with her. The doctor contacted me while we were in Port Douglas and told me my bloods came back positive for CMV which is a virus you catch from small children, can be symptomless or flu-like but can also cross the placenta and cause fetal death. He thinks this is the reason she most likely died but she showed no signs of infection, he said maybe the virus came on so strong her little body didn't have time to fight it and produce antibodies. He is booking us in with an infectious diseases physician who will know better how to answer our questions regarding this and who can also advice about if it will affect future pregnancies as CMV stays in you. Once you have it you are meant to be immune but it can reoccur if you're immune system is really low at some point in your life. Most adults are immune to CMV because they have had it as children. How I would not already have been is amazing to me since I have worked with small children for almost 14 years, if I didn't have it as a child how have I not caught it before? I am curious to speak to the infectious disease physician and hear her thoughts on it all.

    I have an appointment with a private OB next Wednesday to discuss TTCing again and hear her thoughts on everything that's happened. She was actually the OB at the hospital who had discovered Clem had died, I really liked her (she came and checked on me the next day when I was in labor, she wasn't working, she didn't have to, I thought that was really nice of her) so have decided to see her privately.

    The past few days I have sort of crashed again. I think all the genetics worries was a massive distraction. I was so worried about what that could possibly mean for our future that I kind of forgot I was grieving. Well that's all lifted off my shoulders and I am remembering that I still desperately miss my baby girl. Tomorrow is 9 weeks since she was born. I'm meant to be 28 1/2 weeks pregnant and having her make me uncomfortable. I so desperately want her back. I'm functioning fine but the past few days has felt like every now and then somebody is just taking their hand and squeezing my heart. I have moments where I feel like I am really going to crash but then I am able to carry on. I don't know how because it hurts.

    I'm so far behind with you Grace. I speak to Munch quite often via the facebook group but I feel like I've left you a little behind. I do think you sound as though you are slowly getting a little better. It must be hard to have to answer your daughter's questions but I do think she sounds very sweet. Is her grieving any better?

    I do think your doctors are right in telling you that you do have three children, because you do. Whether you want to go for a fourth that is really up to you. Whenever you're ready I am sure you will know and if it is what you think you need then it can't hurt to just try and see if you are blessed with a miracle.

    Munch or I just need your name and one of us will "friend" you on facebook and then be able to ask for you to be invited to the group. PM one of us and we will get on it.

    I'm sorry if I've left anything out or not answered anything, I'm just so far behind and not up for typing. I also saw a couple posts on here that I'd like to respond to. One you both have already (the mom who just lost her baby at 18 weeks).

    Hope work is going well. Speak soon. xo

  3. #113
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    Hi kirst ..
    I sent you a pm ... Did you recieve it ??
    If u did that's cool just wanted to make sure u recieved it ..
    Thanks

  4. #114
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    Default Wish it was a dream...

    Hi grace- I replied yesterday-did you get it?

  5. #115
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    Default Wish it was a dream...

    I feel like it might look like I'm jumping at inviting everyone before you Kirst... So not the case... Sorry! Grace wasn't sure if her message went through to you so sent me a message and I added her tonight....

    Did you get the message tonight from Jazz to add her??

  6. #116
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    Hi kirst .. No didn't get anything y'day..
    I'm on now ... Thanks ladies....Looking forward to catching up ..
    xxx

  7. #117
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    So....it's the day before Skye's EDD - and I just seem to have been seeing babies every single turn I take...It's driving me nuts!

    Been a tough week, although there hadn't been many tears, up until last night...boy it was hard to stop them when they started!

    I just wish she could be here, physically be here with us...she should be, and if not, then she should be so so close to joining us!

    On a good note, our fundraising is almost at the $5000 mark - it's absolutely crazy. I can't believe people are being so generous! There's a couple that I still don't know who they are, and a few Anonymous donators, which is a shame as I like to thank everyone personally but not to worry. It closes tomorrow, and when the supplies come in I have offered to help make the packs up....as there will be quite a few...and then I'll take some back to NorthPark....it will be very hard to do, but I really would like to give something back to them!

    Anyways I can't write any more - my brain is a bit all over the shop anyways so best I go and stare blankly at the TV or something.

    x

  8. #118
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    Hi munch ...
    I'm feeling your pain ... Your tears .. And my due date isn't till next month ... Have have a few s h I t t couple of weeks !! Had a good cry at the shrinks today .. And just can't stop !!! Panadole is doing nothing for my head.. it maybe a valium night!!!!
    I donated under grace s c .. Thought I cld try n claim on tax ?? Don't know .. Will donate some more... To help inch closer to the target !!!!

  9. #119
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    Default Wish it was a dream...

    Thank you Grace... You really didn't have to donate twice but thank you all the same!
    I hope you're able to get some sleep this weekend! X

  10. #120
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    Default Wish it was a dream...

    Sorry, I'm about to fall asleep and not really a great support right now but thinking of you Munch and your little lady. Hope the wombats bring a smile to your face, have you decided where you'll have lunch? X


 

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