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  1. #101
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    Hi ladies ...
    Sorry it was just a quickie this morning .. Had to meet a friend at 10 but I was running an hour late !! Forgot my PIN number so I had to wait for the bank to open at 9:30!!!! Wtf ... So I cld change my pin number !!!!
    Munch sounds like going to work was tough & emotional .., to be very expected .. But you've done it... You done the 2 hardest days .. The 1 st day back all planned out then the 2nd day on your own.. Glad you had the rest of the week of to recover mentally ... Emotionally .. But I'm sure your mind was/is thinking about Fridays outcome ... I'm sure like kirst your quiet anxious ... I know this sounds stupid .. But I'm kinda envious that your finding out sooo soon in comparison to the " one day when I may get some answers"
    Hope your neck is better... Maybe an excuse to get a massage ??
    And you got your ppl ... Hooray ... I physically handed over my baby bonus application on Wednesday .. She said it could take up to 8 wks ?? Wtf ?? On the phone they said 2-3wks!!!! Something else out of my control !!! Lets just keep our fingers crossed that it gets approved !!!! Munch that's funny about your issues with the birth registration/ certificate ... Because I experienced the opposite !!! But mine was due to a lack of paperwork being given to me havnt looked I into the Facebook thing yet either... Also thinking maybe I shld make another page up ?? Will get something sorted soon ..

    Munch I'm glad that your away from the fires & that family are safe .. I know what you mean about people deliberately lighting them... Like we don't have enough natural disasters in the world !!!

    Kirst .. I hope that you've arrived at Port Douglas safely .. I hope you have some nice things planned ... Or better yet .. Nothing planned !!!!
    I like you thinking about the baby boy/ girl thing and relating it to a scan, being told one sex than having the opposite.. I actually sat down this morning and looked at my scan pics.. Last time I saw my baby alive I was 12w 5 days .. Last time I heard my baby alive I was 13w 3days.. It's funny cause the baby pic in the scan looked much like the baby I have birth to.. I havnt yet been able to look at the baby photos .. I was hanging out the washing this morning and there was a butterfly around the clothes line.. Munch I was thinking of what you said to kirst about butterflies... It made me smile ..
    Well me returning to work has been ummm o k. ..... I guess ..., just the reality of this is my future.. Working ... I don't feel ready for another 12 months .. I 'm mentally tired by 6 pm.. Still unmotivated .. Maybe its a combo of the heat & feeling flat.. Tired.. Sadness .. Constantly seeing pregnant women.. Having no control in my life.. Poor body image.. Blah blah blah .. Already having work woes.. Need to get more families.. Geez sounds like I need to see a shrink .. Just wait .. I AM!!!! Well it's nearly 11 pm best head off !!!!
    xxxxx

  2. #102
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    Hi Ladies,

    It’s been a while...

    First week back at work was tough all around. Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, from 10am until 4pm....well almost... By Tuesday, as I think I mentioned in my last post, I was already exhausted, so it was nice to have Wednesday off...but I never caught up on my energy! Thursday came and went and I though, apart from being tired, everything had gone as good as could be expected...Friday though....a girl who was finishing up, who I used to talk to about our pregnancy and all, came up to collect her extension contract. I had my back to her to start with, and she came around the corner and before seeing me yelled out ‘Show us your bump!’. I was mortified, and so was she!!!! The poor thing....I started balling, her eyes welled up and I just shook my head! Because she was leaving, I didn’t think to get my boss to include her on the email about what had happened! It was lunch time so my team were out and about so she sat and had a chat with me, but from then on I basically was on the verge of tears and wanting to go home. I emailed me boss just to say can we bring our catch up forward to as soon as she returns from lunch, and we did that and then I left...So I managed to hold up the tears at work until lunchtime Friday at least!!

    Once again, dreading this week. I’ll be doing the same hours, but catching the train into work (I drove last week), and the following week I’ll either do 4 full days and keep the Wednesday off or do 10am – 4pm for 5 days then do normal hours after that week? I don’t know for sure but that’s what the plan is in my head!

    I spoke to our OB’s secretary on Thursday...I was ancy and wanting to find out if by chance the post mortem results had come in yet, but still nothing....I was all apologetic to her about calling and told her that I’d call next Friday to check in to, and she was lovely about it, no issues at all, but I feel so bad and like I don’t want to push it. He did tell us 10-12 weeks...that brings us to January 30th – 13th February...I just wish the results came back in days...I could even be ok with weeks...I feel so terribly sad to hear about people not getting the results back quickly. Kirst, you are so lucky....although not so in terms of now having to have more tests etc... I considered calling the Women’s to follow up with them directly but I don’t know...

    Kirst, with regards to Clem’s cord, did you or your husband actually see the cord? The reason I ask this is because Skye’s cord was twisted and beaded...and I wondered if having only two vessels affected the look of it...?

    Do you know what happens with genetic testing? Is it just more blood tests or something else? Our midwife asked us if our OB spoke to us about genetic testing but he hadn’t... As much as it’s easy to say, harder to do, I hope you haven’t been too hard on yourself in regards to not being able to carry a healthy baby. You cannot rule that out yet. There is still options to find out more information and you are going ahead to try and find out more. I can completely understand your disappointment about not being able to control the future, but remember that’s only for the right now...Hopefully you’ll be able to find out more from genetic testing. I think with your research and finding that it only results in stillbirth in 25% of pregnancies is a good sign for the future, if it is to recur with you.

    BTW – how is Port Douglas? I hope you’ve been able to enjoy it to some extent and you got that pampering we suggested!

    Grace, just to confirm, we have only had one follow up appointment with our OB, where we found out the results of the blood tests from me...which resulted in nothing really. I think you were thinking Kirst and I had appointments on the same day but unfortunately not.... I don’t mean that to be sounding like I’m correcting you or anything, just didn’t want you to be confused....

    The neck is only hurting when I try to stretch it right out to as far as it can go which is good....took almost a week to correct itself...I considered going to my Chairo, but wasn’t keen as it’d be the first time seeing him since baby Skye was still inside, and he knows what’s happened (I had to cancel my appointment and I didn’t want him calling me to reschedule so soon after). He’s been great though, sent me a text to say he was thinking of us. I think I’ll start going back to him soon though...maybe...

    My pay week was the week just gone...no PPL in it as yet...Actually I’m going to go and check what start date was on the letter they sent...Start date is from the date they received the forms maybe...21st December, so I have a feeling that next pay I’ll be getting the amount from 21st December to now...I’ll speak to Payroll about it tomorrow to confirm...

    I went to a Bridal Expo with my best friend today (she’s getting married at the start of 2014) and there were a few heavily pregnant women walking around...boy did that make me sad and jealous...that should be what I look like...

    Grace, how did you go after a full week back working?

    Anyways, that’s all from me tonight...stay well ladies.

    x

  3. #103
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    Default Wish it was a dream...

    Hi girls-

    I probably won't type much as I'm only on my phone. I'll just try to respond to what I can remember.

    I hope you both have better weeks next week. So hard running into those few random people that would not have heard, hopefully this week is easier.

    Port douglas is ok. We are having a nice time but I have a lot of sadness and confusion. Just trying to enjoy it but it is hard.

    As far as Clem's cord, I didn't see it, the midwife kept everything hidden and took all away with her then brought Clem back all wrapped up. The cord is not the reason we're seeing a genetic counsellor. They don't know why that happens to the cord, it just does sometimes. We're seeing a genetic counsellor because Clem had minor facial deformities and they don't know why. The cord may be the reason she died and may have caused the minor deformities or it may be from a syndrome they can't identify. We'll see a genetic counsellor first that will go over her autopsy again and take a history from us and decide if we should go on to have further testing or if they think it was just bad luck. The OB says this is for our peace of mind and that he thinks this was probably a one-off, but regardless it's making me sick to my stomach. We will have a baby but its mostly how many steps we may have to take to get one. If they find something then we'd probably have to have IVF and they would only implant an embryo that does not have whatever problem. This could add years to finally having a baby. This is all in the future tho and really just 'what-ifs' in my mind rather than actual answers or reasons but I can't help the thoughts. It's bad enough we lost Clem but now we have to worry about our future.

    I should go, we go out to the reef tomorrow which will be nice. Hoping the boat isn't full as I can't cope with having to make smalltalk with strangers...

  4. #104
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    Hi Ladies,

    How are you both going? Grace it's been a little while since your last post, how are you coping with everything? Have you been to more counselling sessions? I haven't been able to get back in since just before starting work. She's on leave. I know everyone deserves their time off so in no way should I complain but it's just really crappy timing! I've been thinking about calling SIDS to have a chat with them in the meantime but just haven't got the courage up yet....thinking tommorrow as DH will be at work and I've got the day off work....I just have to make myself actually do it...

    Kirst, how was Port Douglas in the end. I know your previous post said that it was still all very confusing and sad, were you able to find peace out there?

    We've started our fundraising for Skye through TLC...http://tlccarepackagedrive.gofundrai...age/SkyeAshton It's only been going for 3 days and we already have so many donations! It's so nice to see the number keep going up! (I didn't put it up with expectations for anyone to donate, just so you guys can take a look at what we have done! )

    Work has been ok, except for the meeting I have with my boss each week to check in with how things have gone and what the plans are for the following week...She means well but I always end up bloody crying in this meeting! I'm still slowing trying to up the hours each week etc, but this week coming she's suggested that I have Monday off, and try for full days Tuesday to Friday. Here's hoping I get through the days, they'll be soooooo long! She has said that if I need to leave early, or come in later for whatever reason, that's no problem. So there's still flexibility but it's still so annoying being so, I don't know the word, but being so stupid about work...

    Anyways....we'll see how things are going. She mentioned about coming up to the time I am meant to be going on Mat Leave and coming up to Skye's EDD and maybe it'd be worth taking some time off around the EDD...

    Anyways, that's all from me - I'm finding that I'm rambling on a lot lately! Sorry about that!

    Hope you're both doing well.

    Kirst, you'd be returning back to work soon?

  5. #105
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    Hi ladies ...
    Sorry I've been MIA lately ...
    I have been thinking of you .. Just kinda been unmotivated to type..
    Kirst .. How are you feeling ... Have you been able to make any sense with your results ?? I hope you can at least find some peace knowing that you have NOT done anything to harm your baby.. Can't remember when you said you were returning to work but it must be close ..kirst have you seen the genetic counsilor yet ??has your family backed off & given you. & hubby space ?? I'm not close to my parents so not an issue for us. They didn't even come up the furneral, but they do live 3 1/2hr away .. hubby 's parents keep to themself..
    Munch .. You would have felt very award and sad when you saw that other pregnant lady at ur work.. and she called out.. i wld have burst into tears.. you did very well to hold off .. Sorry I thought you had previously said that you also had an appiont to get your results back .. Have you given them another follow up call ?? Did anything come of your funny period ?? I've just had mine again so this is how's its going to be ...
    I understand how you feel funny/ unsettled towards work.. Your being slightly pushed yet being told to take your time.. But ur mind is confused.. You shld he finishing work soon Not returning .. Unsettled because what you had planned in your heart/ head is now hazy... Well that's how I felt heading straight back into work .. And well to be honest that's how I still feel.. Dazed & confused What does my future now hold.. This is me still looking at preg things.. sites... ovulation.. but there is no more.. we conceived with ivf so is there any point to looking into these things. !!!! Still left pondering "what could have been" but could means the future & I have no control over the future.. Sometimes I don't know how I feel.. I feel lost in my feelings, I talk to myself in my head..feeling sorry I didn't bond enough with my baby, I don't have the bump photos, the video of me talking to my belly.. But am I just reading too much into things xx guess I'm still stuck in the same crazy mental place.. I feel fat... Don't want to feel/look fat .. If I'm not pregnant then I want to be thin.. Have body image issue.. I want a boob job !! Need to convince hubby !! Tired of wearing my double push up bras My obs rang to see how i was going i didn't answer the phone, he left a message.. i didnt return his call. i never thought about being angry ar him for any if the mixup's .. but the more i think about it maybe he is to blame.. but he's been sooo good to me over the past 8 years... how can i be upset with him !!!! Sorry to whinge soooooooo much .. Maybe I shld type more often !!! I saw there's also a journal for your loss, which I've been meaning to start up !! Hopefully I'll start sooner rather than later !!!!
    Munch have you started getting your payments yet ?? I keep checking the mail box ... Waiting for a letter but its just been over a week ..munch that sux !!! That ur counsilor is away !! Does she have a replacement ?? Or can your gp refer you to anyone else ?? Did you work up the courage to call sands ?? How did it go ??
    Sorry guys going to call it a night.. Getting very bleary eyed !!!
    xxxxxxxxx

  6. #106
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    Hi ladies. Sorry I ended it abruptly . Was getting teary and was yawning constantly and had troubles concentrating on what to say.. Felt I just repeating myself from other postings and wasn't sure if I was making any sense.... Or if I was just rambling !!!
    Much ... that's a Great amount to have raised already .. It must feel nice to know that you... Skye was loved soooo much .. Will re read it when my head is clearer.. & see what I can do to help.. Do you just donate money ??


    I'm hoping that we bury our ashes before my due date.. Just waiting on the plaque to arrive.the lady said 4-8 wks, but I know it will take longer as I didn't post it till Boxing Day and there wld be back load of orders to get through.. I'm hoping/thinking that once I have a place to go..a place to sit & talk.. It might help??? I know I don't prob need a place .. But the ashes are my baby.. it's making ... I don't have them with me. Scan photos just make me cry... We get to help bury the ashes as well.. Was going to make it a family moment.. Just hubby & the girls.. But someone said that it wld be tooo much for my eldest.. But of think of it as us being a family of 5 in the last special moment ..to close & open another chapter of our lives.. To all touch & hold our baby ..
    Kirst.. Just wanted to send you another BIG hug xxxxxx

  7. #107
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    Hi ladies,

    How are you going? It’s been an up and down week for me last week, and I have a feeling the coming weeks are going to be quite hard. This Friday coming would have been when I was planning on going on Mat Leave....instead it’s when a good friend that I’ve made at work is finishing up. She’s only a temp, so it was bound to happen, but I’m really going to miss her! Then we have the EDD 3 weeks after that.... Not keen to say that least!

    We did find out the post mortem results though.... as frustrating as it was, there was nothing wrong with Skye... as I’ve said, along with others, it’s nice to know that there was nothing wrong, but it’s so frustrating knowing that there was nothing wrong at the same time... Moving forward, the chances are slim of it happening again, but still, there’s nothing to check on to see if anything is going to go wrong either...vicious circle! So now, back on the TTC bandwagon. I think we were so mentally and financially prepared, well sort of financially, that we kind of think ‘why not now’ sorta thing...so there’s a window of a couple of months until May, then if it hasn’t happened before then we’ll put TTC off for a couple of months, as I’m Matron of Honour at my best friends wedding and I really would like to try to avoid missing that... But after that little while, back to the TTC. I figure I was 6 months along with Skye, and was quite able bodied and comfortable to do whatever I wanted, so if I aim to be no more than 6 months pregnant on the wedding day, it shouldn’t be too bad....

    Good news is AF seems to have been normal so far this cycle...although it’s been a 30 day cycle, which I guess isn’t too bad...hopefully things are back on track..

    PPL payments – they haven’t started as yet. I got Payroll to give Centrelink a call to find out when they will be paid to my work, and they said this week coming, so our pay week is fortnightly and the following week...so fingers crossed it’s arrived then...because I could really use the money to book our flights. That makes me sound really not right, I mean I know what I’d much rather have, money or the baby....it’s a no brainer....but yeah...

    My counsellor text me the other day, she’s going to be back at work on Friday, so I’ve booked an appointment with her. I think it’s going to be a good day to see her as that’s the day I should have been finishing up at work (like I mentioned above) but I’m still unsure. I think because DH wont be coming with me, I just kind of think will I actually talk...as I don’t normally say much when I see her... I did try call SIDS, but it didn’t feel right...I think because a guy answered and don’t get me wrong, he was very lovely, but it just felt very strange as I was kind of thinking to myself, you’ve not been directly in my position, you’re a man, I can’t talk to you about this... I think going into the phone call I always knew that I would find it harder being over the phone and not face to face, but yeah. After about 6 minutes I told him I felt better and that I was going to get off the phone now...I got off the phone and cried my eyes out... I gave it a go...I considered calling later on to see if a woman answered but I didn’t want to risk getting him again so I didn’t bother...

    The fundraising is going really really well....we’re up above the $2K mark now...our goal is $3500 and I’ve worked out how to close it off for February 23rd now so all sorted and just need that little bit more...I’m so happy with it, but sometimes I think back to others friends I have supported with their fundraising (for example someone I knew had cancer and did a similar thing last year) and it upsets me a little bit that they haven’t contributed to my fundraising. It’s not something that I’d take up with them...just something I’ve noticed behind closed doors... Anyways! Enough with the negativity!

    How has being back at work been for you Grace? Are you still needing to take some time out here and there? Or are the days getting easier? And how are your girls going with their grieving?

    Anyways DH is wanting some attention, he’s pacing the house as he’s bored...

    Hear from you soon.

    Hope you’re all doing well!

    x

  8. #108
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    Hi munch ...
    Just a quickie ...
    When I read ur email last night I had a little cry ..
    Very bitter sweet ....
    I'm happy that you guys get back into ttc . And get that beautiful belly growing once again .. I'd say that you may be a higher risk since you lost sky & they shld at least see you fortnightly for checkup's throughout your entire preg... If not weekly appionts .. And yes I'm sure that ur stress factor wld be much higher..
    Sorry will just post this for now .. It's taken me hmmmm 4 hrs just to type this .. Will type more soon
    xxxx
    Hi kirst .... Hope your going o k ....

  9. #109
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    Hi munch
    You've changed your pic ?? Dora ??? Is that like to get to the prize ( baby) you need to go through the different obstacles that are put in front of you?? Sorry do I read into.. Over think toooo much ???? I think I wld probably have to agree with my psych on that one .. Still seeing him.. Next appiont isn't for another 5wks then we'll see if I need to continue to see him or if I just need to work things out in my head.. I am mentally coming out if the twisted collapsed tunnel .. I'm trying to take on a little but of everyone's words if wisdom .. So feeling better emotionally .. Crying less... Not blaming myself... Still have eating issues.. Just don't want to look/ feel fat / pregnant when I'm not.. But then snacking and eating chocolate isn't helping my cause. !!! Part of me still quietly very very quietly secretly dare I not say it aloud.. Only to my shrink.. That I hope I have a micale baby !!!!! But this thought no longer clouds all my decision making ... I can think of other things.. I do also see us as a family of 4.. But I do wish envy those with a family of 5... Knowing what I've been through..
    Dd is back at school today yippeeeee
    Still trying to get motivated & back into the swing of things with the kids.. A week ago we were all sweating like pigs !!!! Then on the weekend we had constant rain !!! Wind !!!! Crazy weather !!!!! Now we are back to sweating like pigs !!!!!
    Much.. I understand how these next few weeks will continue to have its highs and lows ... I'm trying to have the motto if positive thinking !!! We it works sometimes!! and also taking things one day at a time ..Friday will be a very hard day ... Is ur work having a morning tea of lunch for her ??maybe they can have a welcome back morning tea/lunch for you on Monday ??? Maybe you could treat urself to some pampering over the wkend ?? Did you end up getting any jewelry made up ?? Another thought I had was getting a nice big thick candle made up with her name and or scan pic on it. ??
    Strange that your ppl hasn't come through yet ?? Hopefully soon... I know what you mean about the money .. Mines going towards paying for the cemetery & the rest prob on the mortgage !!! But like you I'd rather be spending the money on nappies & formula. !!!! & complaining of how tired I am !!!
    I do hope that you guys concieve soon.. Have you been tracking you cycles ??
    I think financially you always seem to get the bills payed one way or another .. You defiantly become selfless once you have kids .. Soo many cute things you want & need glad that your counsilor is back & that your going to see her.. Mayb write down some thoughts.. Why's .. Why not's .. emotions, feelings, Down so that if your stuck for words you can mention how you had been feeling .. Thinking earlier in the week .. It may even be work related ..
    With the sands thing.. Maybe ring sands and say you'd prefer to speak to a female ?? I'm sure he won't be offend .. It's always daunting ringing a helpline.. I never had the confidence .. I'd rather turn up to a meeting and see them in the real .. Strange isn't it???
    I understand what your saying about favors not bring retuned of people not supporting you.. A friend of mine had 3 months off from oct till jan.. She lives at the Sunshine Coast an hour away .. Never rang or visited me yet she wld visit her cousin that lives 15mind away from me.. Very disappointed .. Well they say in times of need you learn who your real friends are .. Well better go.. Nearly 11pm and I've got work in the morning ..kirst I saw ur reply on the "support group in brisbane" thread ... So there's been more progression on your finding ... I'm just glad that your following things up and not waiting to long to investigate things as HARD as it may be.. Hope they are being kind & sensitive in their testings & findings.. I don't feel like typing sometimes ... Just want to daydream in front of tv of a nighttime ,,,
    Still think of you kirst ..
    xxxx

  10. #110
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    Hi there,

    How’s things this week? I’ve been having a bit of a down week, and took today off work as it was just proving to be too difficult (the day I was meant to go on mat leave). So here I am, waiting until 4.30 to go and see the counsellor, first time on my own. And I’m so so mad! The stupid dog chewed the cord for my computer charger, and for my harddrive that I have a whole lot of tv and movies on....she usually just destroys things outside....grrr. I let the two dogs in because I was at home and it was raining outside this morning....so the little good dog is inside, and the big naughty dog is kicked outside on her own. She’s a pup, so still teething, but grrr....

    TTC – Grace, I’m stressing already, but have to tell myself to take it easy...I find that I’m tracking my cycles and things now, but being the first time, it’s still all a bit over the place and I’m still learning...I still have this sickly feeling in my stomach, I think I’ve mentioned it before...it’s the same I had when I was pregnant last time, so I’m constantly wanting to POAS but I’ve only done it the once so far....I just have to stay strict with myself. I hope I can do it... And as for appointments throughout another pregnancy, OB has already told me that when it happens again, there will be fortnightly appointments and very regular scans too... And that he wouldn’t let me go over 37 weeks, just to be safe...

    I’ve noticed that you’ve posted a couple of times in the Psychic threads Grace...and you considering TTC in the future???

    And yes, I changed my picture, sorry if that confused you...there was a thread about privacy and stuff and because I had a picture of myself, I kinda just got a bit worried if someone I knew was on BH too. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t said anything that I wouldn’t say in real life, but it’s just easier to talk on here before actually saying it out loud... So new picture, same old me! Nothing else behind it.

    Grace – positive thinking is a great way to try to move forward. I feel like most of the days, I can get through, wen it comes to night is where I struggle...there is tears almost every night, but that’s ok. I figure if I can hold it together when I’m out of home, that’s great. In my own home, I can yell, cry, laugh, mope, do whatever I want.... But I’m the same as you – try to keep positive and just be down at those bad times....after I’ve had my moment, try to get back on to the positive bandwagon... Sometimes it’s not always easy, but at least we are trying!

    I haven’t had any other jewellery made, apart from the rings we got engraved. I think before we go away in June I might try to get something. That way I can have Skye with me without worrying about having to take ashes through the airport. I’ve read that some people have done it, but I don’t want to have to explain it all etc...

    Still no PPL – Payroll said that they think I’m in this run, so I should know by next Thursday when it’s payday again...fx.

    Kirst – thanks for your donation to TLC. I liked your message, I often do think about all the angels up there playing in the clouds...puts a little tiny bit of peace in my mind, knowing that they aren’t along up there! We’re only $1000 off our target, with 3 weeks to go. Doing really really well! I’m so happy with the support we have received.

    Best get off as my computer battery is slowly dying and, well, as I mentioned before, I now don’t have a computer charger!
    x


 

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Buy 2 Award Winning Pea Pods Reusable One Size Nappies for only $38 (in your choice of colours) and receive a FREE roll of Bamboo Liners. Don't miss out, we don't usually have discounts on the nappies, so grab this special offer!
Special Offer! Save $12
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Innovations Sports Physiotherapy
Women’s Health Physios who are able to assess and treat a wide range of Pregnancy and Post Natal Issues. We offer Post Natal Pilates Classes taken by our Physios. These classes help you rebuild strength through your Core and Pelvic Floor.
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Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!