I hope your days back and work have gone ok??? Not too anxious or stressed I hope. Maybe once you get back in the swing of things it will provide a much needed distraction.
As far as therapy. It is definitely worth going a couple times on your own, and trying to open up as much as possible so the therapist can get an idea of what is on your mind and what you need. I am very open and honest with my husband but therapy is my time, that is all about my feelings and coping and being there on my own means its just me talking, saying what I need to say, it's a very selfish time. DH came with me right after we lost Clem, which was good because we both needed it, but I definitely didn't talk the way I normally do for the simple fact that he was there and I kept cutting my thoughts off to give him the opportunity and time to speak.
Munch: A doula is pregnancy, labor and birth support. So parents hire me around 25 weeks and I usually help them prepare for their birth and then support them through their labor and birth. You usually get parents that are trying to avoid interventions like epidural, etc and you just help them learn coping mechanisms to help work through the pain and provide physical, emotional, educational support through their birth, a little bit like a midwife but I can't actually deliver the baby, it is illegal for me to attend births that do not have a doctor or midwife present. So I could attend a home birth but there would have to be a private midwife present. So needless to say I had many ideas of how I imagined my first birth to go which of course ended up being far from reality. I am pretty traumatized by the birth and cannot imagine supporting anyone in any births in the near future or at all. I am also a nanny, my normal every day job and doula-ing is on the side usually.
I spoke to the midwife at the hospital that has been handling our case and our results are being faxed from Monash which means we will definitely have them in time for our appointment today. I have this weird mixture of anticipation and dread. Almost looking forward to finally knowing what happened (if there are any answers, like you guys we were told we may never know) but also petrified of the potential answers. Did I catch CMV from one of the kids I care for? Did I catch toxoplasmosis from cleaning the litter box too much even though I was really diligent about washing my hands? Is the OB going to tell me that there is something wrong with me?
I also had a panic that maybe the results will not have been thoroughly done since they seem to be coming back so much faster than everyone else's. But the midwife assured me that this is not the case, Monash would not submit an incomplete report and different waiting times vary based on different hospital's protocols and different states.
Grace: I have been really happy with our hospital and so grateful at how much the midwives have helped us even after we left the hospital. But it's a public hospital (very small tho, which is one of the reasons I think the midwife care is so great) and I think next time I will want to go private just because I will be so paranoid and will want one OB that I am dealing with all the time and who will regularly do a scan at every appointment, I'll need that reassurance. I am fairly certain the hospital I attended for Clem doesn't do a private patient/public hospital option so I will most likely have to go to a different hospital if I want a private OB. I also might be high-risk in my next pregnancy and this hospital only handled low-risk pregnancies so if I go public again and am high risk I will have to go to Royal Women's.
I've been thinking more about your baby Grace. Maybe you should think about the confusion with the sex this way...If you had been told at your 20 week scan that you were having a boy you probably would have picked a name, bought things, talked to "him" etc. But then imagine when you gave birth they were wrong and you had a girl. Not your fault that you were imagining a boy, talking to a boy, etc, but now you have a girl and you would have to name her, etc. I don't think you would feel guilty at all that you had expected a boy but got a girl instead and you shouldn't have any guilt in this situation. Have you asked your doctor why he told you you had a boy? What was his reasoning?
Re: Teddy drive, I think I'll do the link I attached before. We have so many friends and family overseas that I think a website would be better for us. Will you do something like a BBQ or picnic Munch?
I need to go eat and then pick up DH for appointment, I'll let you girls know how it goes.
Will try to reply properly tomorrow but just wanted to let you know Kirst that I'm thinking of you.
When you're ready let us know how you went today with the results...
Hi munch ...how did you go today ?? Did you go to work ... Did all go to plans your boss had helped implement ??
My day was ok.. Im still snappy & get a little frustrated.. generally with my own girls that it... I guess that's just how it's going to be for a while .. ..havnt been sleeping tooo well the last couple of nights... I get to sleep ok but keep waking up... Tossing & turning.. And my mind keeps thinking during the early early hours Been bad & having 3 cups of coffee plus a day !!!! And I still yawn constantly throughout the day !!!!!
Kirst .... I hope you & hubby are talking things through tonight after your appiont ...
think we all need one if these today :
Thought I’d post an update. It’s Wednesday, I was at work the last two days...boy was I drained by the end of yesterday. And I didn’t even do full days! It wasn’t as hard as I expected which is great. DH drove me in on Monday morning (there were still tears) and my team met me out the front and went for a coffee. After an hour we headed back to work, the good thing is that when we were walking in to work, I didn’t even realise because we were talking so much.... Going in yesterday, by myself was a lot harder though and there were tears again. I managed, didn’t like it, but managed! So today, my day off for this week, and I’ve spent it on the couch watching TV, with a damn sore neck....did something to it during the night and it’s killing me! Anyways!
Grace, how are you going with all the extra thinking your head was doing last time you posted? Hopefully you’ve been able to cope with it all. Have you been ok getting back into working?
We got our notification that our PPL is approved and going through, not in ideal circumstances but at least we can have a bit of relief with thinking about bills etc... On the same day we got another thing in the mail about Birth Registration....because I requested a birth certificate...I was so confused as I thought the hospital registered the birth....apparently not, they just do a notification of birth or something....so hopefully that’s all sorted now and we can get it soon...
And Grace, no stress about FB, I just didn’t want you to think I wasn’t extending the invitation to you too... FB is not for everyone...
Kirst, I know you would have seen my post on the FB page, but just in case anyone else reading is interested in the TLC fundraising/teddy bear drive, they don’t do teddy bear drives anymore...they were getting too many teddies that were not acceptable....I assume colour-wise, size, etc...so I’ll be setting up a fundraising page like you mentioned so people can donate money ($20 for a teddy or $50 for a care pack like we received in hospital). I’m just awaiting posters that I can put up around dad’s work and mine... Kirst, you’re going to set up a page? Let me know if and when you do as I’d love to donate $20 for a teddy in Clem’s name...
Grace, are you anywhere near any fires? There’s one burning this afternoon in my hometown. It’s over the other side of town though so my family is ok. It’s crazy how many there are/have been. I’m just watching the news now... The horrible thing is that people light these fires on purpose...
I have nothing else to report, hoping the next two days fly, will be following up with my OB on Friday to find out if results have come in yet...I just want the autopsy results so we can hopefully work out where to go from here...
Oh, and Kirst I really hope you have an amazing holiday. I hope you relax and rest up... And go to that day spa you mentioned!
Sorry for the late reply on autopsy results, I was pretty down yesterday and googling everything so just wasn't up for responding.
Grace: I hope you're feeling better, getting some rest???
Munch: Glad work went, it sounds, as good as it could have gone. Glad you had today off as well, definitely need a break in between to recoup. Will you do that next week as well or only this week? Let me know when you get your page set up and I'll definitely donate a bear for Skye. They should take that page you had found down to avoid the confusion! I'll set up a page when we get closer to Clem's due date and will let you know when it is all set up. Have you called your OB to have him follow up your results? I think if you let them know you're still there and eager they try harder for you, we were pretty "aggressive" on that. Not "aggressive" as in rude but just really followed up and gave a date when we were going away and said it'd be really good to have them before we went for "closure." People are more willing to help then you think they are!
The appointment reviewing our results went ok. No conclusive answer to why Clem died but there were a couple things wrong, I'm just going to copy and paste my entries to the facebook group as I'm not really up for typing it all again. Here they are in bold:
Thanks guys. A lot of confusion, sadness, anger right now...They couldn't conclusively say why she died but she did have a few minor facial deformities and my cord only had two vessels instead of three. It could be that she couldn't get enough oxygen through the cord to develop properly (but some babies with similar cords are born healthy) or it could be that her facial deformities are the sign of a genetic syndrome she had although they cannot identify it. Because of this our OB has recommend we have genetic counseling before we TTC again. I feel so disheartened and worried I'll never have a healthy baby. I knew that we may not get an answer but I thought we would still leave the appointment with the green light that we could try for another baby whenever we were ready and now it's like there's a big question mark on our future. I also really didn't want anything to be wrong with Clem, I don't know why but for some reason it was really important to me that she be ok. Has anyone else had to do genetic counseling before?
Regarding my Single Umbilical Artery (what a two-vessel cord is called):
I've googled it and it is normally not looked for or picked up until the 20 week/mid-pregnancy scan. Some found it earlier but they still had to wait until second trimester for further testing. It very well could have been the problem and why she had a few minor facial deformities, but even if it had been picked up at 12 weeks, nothing could have been done except offer further testing in second trimester. She didn't have any congenital defects or chromosomal abnormalities so further testing would have come up with nothing. It's says 75% of the time the baby is healthy and survives full term but 25% of the time the baby has birth defects or is stillborn. A two-vessel cord can be the sign of a congenital defect or chromosomal abnormality but that wasn't the case with Clem. So it could have been the cause of her death or it could have just been a coincidence, no real way of knowing I guess, unless our genetic counsellor thinks it can be further tested. There's no way to prevent a two-vessel cord, they don't know why it happens, and a pregnancy that does continue with a cord would just be offered further monitoring as there's nothing that can 'fix' it. We'll just have to see, but nervous about the genetic counsellor, what they'll say, how long we'll have to wait to try again, etc.
Last night I figured out why I am upset about something being wrong with Clem:
I'm feeling very sad about our results. I really wanted her to be ok, I was desperate for something to not be wrong with her and it be something that was an "accident," like an infection or cord accident (I know none of these reasons are any more reassuring for somebody else who has experienced them). But I think it's because if something was wrong with Clem then it means it was "meant to be" that "nature was taking it's course" and she wasn't meant to live and that really hurts. I don't want the answer to be that my baby girl was never meant to live.
I've got to finish get things ready for the flight tomorrow. Hopefully this trip is a recharge that will help us. I was hoping to find some place pretty while we are up there to through some flowers on the water for Clementine. I really love her.
I may be able to check in periodically so will respond when I can but I'll be back on the 19th. Take care of yourselves ladies. xo
I'm getting nervous about the flight, being away for so long, leaving Clem behind...
She'll always be with you hun... Wherever you go...they say butterflies are those that have passed so if you see a butterfly, that'll be Clem! :-)
Just a quickie ..
kirst I'm sure these results are more confusing for you both as they are a bit hit & miss...
Kirst I hope you & hubby do a nice time away...I do hope a change of beautiful scenery brings a little calmness to you mind ..
You & hubby are are a part of Clem, you both made her body & soul She will always walk with you ... and be a part of your future ..
I'm no where near the fires ... Although we are still affected by the smoke .. It's been terrible in conjunction with the heat so I only imagine how extreme it must be at the fires !!!!
Munch you must be very anxious about your appoint tomorrow ..
Will post more later..
xxxxxx to you both ..
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